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He broke up with me and now wants to be friends?


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 13th April 2019, 10:04 AM   #16
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Originally Posted by salparadise View Post
I agree with most of what the others have said; men don't typically want to be friends just for social reasons. There is almost certainly another strategy or motivation (perhaps unconsciously) underlying this guy's behavior.

If he's texting from daylight to dark then I suspect that he has a strong motvation to maintain connection and keep you around, but had to put the brakes on the love aspect of the relationship because he's avoidant and felt like he was losing himself, trying to control it to avoid feeling vulnerable. If this is the case, he needs to keep you close but not too close. It's a defensive strategy often used by immature or emotionally stunted people who need to feel connected but can't tolerate intimacy, can't let anyone inside their hula hoop. This is what I strongly feel is going on here.

A second possibility is that he's one of those guys that all women want, and he doesn't want to limit his options. But I see this as unlikely because he'd probably be driving you nuts by hittin' it occasionally, then going incommunicado...

You don't think he has another girlfriend do you? That could explain a lot, but I guess you'd know, or would you? Guys like regular sex. You're making yourself available and he's not interested. He's either getting it somewhere else or he's an anomaly.

Regardless of the underlying reason, this guy is either unwilling or unable to have a real relationship with you. I'd give him a soft ultimatum and reduce the contact. If he doesn't come back then cut him off completely and move on. Staying friends is not going to serve you well when what you really want is a relationship.
I think it is most probably what you said first, about him wanting me close but avoiding being vulnerable.

When we were together he didn't like much to be vulnerable and would back away from disagreements.

We did have a few disagreements that were becoming exhausting.

I don't know if he is affraid we might go back to that if we get back together.

I don't agree when you said "Guys like regular sex. You're making yourself available and he's not interested."

I didn't make myself available for sex! I agreed with staying friends. He doesn't even know if I want to go back to a relationship with him.
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Old 13th April 2019, 10:09 AM   #17
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Originally Posted by Cersei View Post
If I were you I would just say something like "This friendship is not really working for me. It's too hard when emotions are involved. If you want more than a friendship call me."

Texting him like this won't help you find someone new. You can't continue this way.
I'm heading that way to say that, the only thing is that is so good to keep in touch with him. But I'm getting to a point where I feel I'm not being honest with myself.

I mean, this is not just about what he wants. He wanted to break up and I had no say in it. Then he wants to stay friends and I have to agree too? What about what I want, right?
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Old 13th April 2019, 10:12 AM   #18
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Originally Posted by smackie9 View Post
Guys like him, say friendship to keep you on the back burner to get laid later in a moment of weakness. He's messing with your emotions, and giving you false hope. It's total bs and you should move on.
The only time it's good to be friends with an ex is when YOU BOTH stop seeing each other a romantic interest and the breakup was amicable.
I think that at least before we go to the friends part, we should have a conversation about what happened at the time of the break up, because I still don't understand it totally and am lacking closure.

He wanted to stay friends and texting like all is well and like all is sorted is just ridiculous, because it isn't for me and I can't continue pretending it is and avoiding the subject.

He's not gonna get laid anyway in any moment of weakness because I don't have sex outside of a relationship.
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Old 13th April 2019, 2:59 PM   #19
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Feel free to block him if needed. I am sure he can find other friends he wasn't romantically involved with. He is treating you like an option but you are much more invested. Let go!

I have been there and done that staying friends thing. It only brings more heartache, wastes time and delays the process of moving on.
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Old 13th April 2019, 3:21 PM   #20
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Originally Posted by missgirl2019 View Post

I don't agree when you said "Guys like regular sex. You're making yourself available and he's not interested."

I didn't make myself available for sex! I agreed with staying friends. He doesn't even know if I want to go back to a relationship with him.
I don't mean literally (as in stop by for a quickie). He knows you'd go back with him because you've been willing to play along with whatever scraps he offers. He knows you're an option because of how compliant you are. This comment was in the context of wondering if he has someone else.

It would be logical that he'd be interested in staying "friends", but not sex, if he's having sex with someone else and wants to keep you as a backup. But it's not logical that he'd be wanting the emotional aspect of the relationship only if he's not getting laid elsewhere.

If he's not getting laid at all, yet wants to stay close as friends only... something seems very wrong. Maybe it's a boyfriend rather than a girlfriend and he's keeping it on the down low.

But the reasons aren't nearly as important as the fact that this isn't what you want.
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Old 14th April 2019, 5:42 AM   #21
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Originally Posted by salparadise View Post
I don't mean literally (as in stop by for a quickie). He knows you'd go back with him because you've been willing to play along with whatever scraps he offers. He knows you're an option because of how compliant you are. This comment was in the context of wondering if he has someone else.

It would be logical that he'd be interested in staying "friends", but not sex, if he's having sex with someone else and wants to keep you as a backup. But it's not logical that he'd be wanting the emotional aspect of the relationship only if he's not getting laid elsewhere.

If he's not getting laid at all, yet wants to stay close as friends only... something seems very wrong. Maybe it's a boyfriend rather than a girlfriend and he's keeping it on the down low.

But the reasons aren't nearly as important as the fact that this isn't what you want.
Well actually he's wrong if he thinks like that.

For all he knows, I agreed to stay friends and yes I do like him. It's a different story going back together as a romantic couple.

I still feel hurt with him breaking up with me and there are still things I don't understand. So is not a case of me running back to him like that.

I don't even know if I trust him enough to go back to be honest, or if I am ready to go back.

So no, I'm not an option.

"But it's not logical that he'd be wanting the emotional aspect of the relationship only if he's not getting laid elsewhere."

I don't think that's not logical. Maybe he does want to get laid with me but doesn't want to go back to a relationship, so he's dragging this along with staying "friends" and see what happens.
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