Should I break up with him

[Blutengel1995]

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 5 years. Hes sweet and dorky we have a lot in common but I feel our relationship is monotonous there's no romance/spark. We've always bickered quite frequently over really stupid things. When we fight he acts a certain way I cant quite describe, it really makes me angry but I also feel like Im overreacting that my actions are stupid. Ive honestly never felt attracted to him physically, hes cute but I guess not really my type. I dont want intimacy from him, it almost feels like a chore. Hugs and kisses are meh. I feel like were roomates or friends that go threw the motions i love him I honestly do, but I dont think I m in love. Ive thought on and off for years that I should break up with him. But I always play it off that Im overthinking that Im being selfish. And I feel bad because hes a great guy we all have our flaws and I am nowhere near perfect, but maybe hes just not the right one for me, were better as friends? But here's the thing when I think about breaking up it kinda makes me sad and my anxiety acts up. But when I think about it I also look at what opportunities I may have that i could maybe find someone that checks all the boxes. And that makes me kinda excited. And while I feel a heaviness in my heart I feel after awhile Id be ok i see all the signs but feel like its me and Im an idiot. But I also feel like breaking up is kinda right and how we are, isnt fair to either of us. But also feel breaking up isn't fair to him?

[vla1120]

Is this your first boyfriend? While five years is a long time to be together, if you've only ever been with one another, I think you should both spend some time seeing what/who else is out there, especially if you are having these feelings. He may be hurt, but you should not stay with him at your own expense for the sake of not hurting him. You can let him down easy while letting him know how important he has been in your life. You never know. He may be having some of the same feelings, but does not want to act on them for the same reason you have not acted on them. Whatever you do, don't break up with him during a quarrel or out of anger. Instead, sit down with him and have a talk about how the two of you should spend some time exploring what is out there in life.

[Blutengel1995]

Yes he is. I've had other boyfriends but they were like high school flings. I have a like you let's "date" he is my first actual boyfriend and my first love so rationally I know that why it's hard. But I have talked it out with some friends and the more I talk about it the more at peace? I am with it. Even though it makes me kinda sad. Thank you. I know what I should do.

[alphamale]

why have you been dating someone for 5 YEARS that you don't find attractive??

[bathtub-row]

Breaking up with anyone at any time is always hard and painful. But like any goal we want to reach, we must jump over the hurdles that are in our way. You don’t need to be with this guy in a romantic relationship - he’s the hurdle you need to jump over. While it may bring tears for both of you, you need to look at things long-term and think about how things will be once all the dust has settled. You can’t continuously get caught up in the present moment. It’ll keep you stuck forever.

[Blutengel1995]

I guess because emotionally I loved him. Now I'm realizing maybe it was more the idea?

[bathtub-row]

I often compare some relationships to cartons of milk. They have a limited shelf life. If we choose to ignore the expired date, we’ll end up with soured milk exploding all over the place. ?

 

The relationship was probably good for a time but because you gave yourself little time to grow, it’s time to spread your wings and fly. We continually change throughout our lives. Time to start a new chapter.

[Blutengel1995]

Thank you bathtub-row. You're very kind and for the most part seem to understand my turmoil.

[Inspire]

Have you thought about what you could do to re-ignite that spark and romance in your relationship?

 

You said yourself that sometimes you have a tendancy to overreact. Have you thought about how that makes him feel and how you might feel if the roles were reversed. I am not trying to place blame, but rather to help you look inward. Petty arguments are a great way to suck the life out of any relationship.

 

I assume you have, but I am going to ask anyway. Have you two had conversations about your relationship? What were they like? Did both of you commit to making any changes? Be specific ...

[Blutengel1995]

Yes. I've changed. I've tried so hard to make things work. The things I try to get him to work on he does for a week or two and he goes back to the way he was before. I'm not saying I over react like go off the wall. But my mind bounces back and forth and i feel like it's my fault that i caused something, when I'm not the only person at fault rationally I know this.

[bathtub-row]

This video may interest you. I think it’ll help you understand why you’re feeling the way you feel about things right now:

 

[preraph]

Life is too short. So kind of depends how old you are and how easy it would be to date again and if you are the type of person who isn't happy unless in a relationship.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, you already know what you need to do.

 

You can't really reignite a spark that was never there. It would be kinder to him to let him go so he can find someone who is into him, and so you can find someone who is better-suited to you, too.

[samjam7]

I think you should. You are not being fair to him and yourself by staying in the relationship. How long will you be able to continue like this? It will mentally torture you and he can actually go and find someone later who loves him.