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Says i'm the love of his life then dumps me?


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ballycastle

I am struggling to come to terms with a man who does that?

 

I am anxious preoccupied attachment spending years dating emotionally unavailable men.

 

After countless heartaches, last year I met a man exhibiting secure attachment. I am in my 50's so this is rare in the OLD world.

 

After many years of therapy, reading about boundaries, asking for what I wanted, letting them know my attachment style, I meet a man who is very interested. He has a history of long term relationships, presented as secure attachment, wanted a future with me, integrated into my life, treated me 'properly', dates, talking, investing in me. It was text book and we were very happy. (I thought)

 

I was starting to let my guard down. I noticed him commenting on his sexual appetite, I couldn't keep up with this, I told him due to my past, it will take time to fully give myself. We had been dating a few months and for him to be patient. I had explained my past and the work I have had to do to fully trust. He knew of my anxious attachment but my friends were my real support : if feeling anxious I contacted them for reassurance not him. Usually I was wrong and 'overreacting'.

 

Until last week he was talking in a dismissive way about us. Letting my guard down I became shocked with silence. I was hearing him say 'we might not work out.' As in usual attachment style I freaked, I was silent, couldn't speak. I thought this is the man who told me he would 'catch me when I fall,' would do that. He didn't. He let me fall at the first sign of needing his lovibg reassurance. He was angry, puzzled. I tried to explain what was happening for me. Surely he would talk me through, love me?

 

He did the opposite. The following week was emails about how unpassionate I was, became petty about my share of money (never brought it up before) and made it clear we had no future. He broke up with me last night saying, 'I'm at a more [mature] stage of my life, want someone relationship ready....we have different pasts, you present as' work'.

 

Let me be clear. I am aware of codependant behaviours and always made sure I am mature enough to self manage. It was the one time my spider senses picked up on his departing presence and days later, as detected, he finishes us.

 

He confessed I was the love of his life. Previous partners never said these words so perhaps I was blinded by them from him?

 

How do you move on from being lied to? From being told the one thing people like me rarely have? I trusted him with my past. He listened and supported me, but now it was simply to hear about it to set me up.

 

I have trust issues already, now I know I can never trust again. Anxious preoccupieds have an unsealable fate... They are going to be less giving everytike and come across as cold and unloving.

 

I will not be able to ever tell anyone my past for fear of judging. And this means having a life alone. And be undateable.

 

I'm not here for anyone to say 'I'll love again', it's really to try to understand why one human being would make you think they love you, to cut you loose when you start being yourself?

 

Who does that?

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ExpatInItaly

How long have you been dating, and were you sexually active with him?

 

You mentioned that he has brought up his sexual appetite and that you need more time to open up, so I am guessing the frequency of sex was a problem for him. I am not saying either of you was right or wrong, but just trying to clarify what the issue surrounding sex was, exactly.

 

Also, in what context did he tell you that you two might not work out? It sounds like there was some conversation leading up to this.

 

I notice that you devote a big part of your identity to your attachment style. While I understand it plays a significant role in shaping your relationships, I also can't help but gather that you have resigned yourself to this and lead with this when you date new men.

 

EDIT: I took a quick look at your past threads. Nearly all of them are regarding your attachment issues and how you aren't datable. I can nearly promise you that men who date you will pick up on the fact that you don't value yourself much and have a defeatist mentality. Having an attachment problem is one thing, but the language you use to describe yourself and your struggles say more than you think they do.

Edited by ExpatInItaly
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Why would a person say they love you then cut you loose when you start being yourself? Because they fell in love with someone who was pretending to be someone they are not.

 

While you might have tried to describe who you are, it's your actions which they grow attached to. When the real you comes out, they realise you've pulled a 'bait and switch' It's why it's so important to start out as being yourself.

 

I would also suggest that when a person starts out with a partner who presents some challenges, they will think they can manage it. But when those ideas become reality, they discover that they really aren't up for the challenge. Thinking you can do something and finding out you can't isn't a lie, it's self discovery. He found out that he needs a woman who is open from the outset.

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I guess coming from a history of long term stable relationships, he probably found women who were easy to get along with, easy to understand and who he was comfortable with.

 

You come along and he probably thought you were the same, but from what you say you were not particularly straightforward, and he summed it up rather neatly in his parting message.

 

'I'm at a more [mature] stage of my life, want someone relationship ready....we have different pasts, you present as' work'

 

I guess, he just wanted a nice, uncomplicated, loving woman he could have sex with, and who he could relax and spend time with.

He was not really interested in dealing with your "issues".

 

Dating is not about finding someone and sticking with them whatever they throw at you, it is about sussing out who they really are and then deciding whether that is someone you want to further invest in or not.

Romantic love is not unconditional nor is it everlasting.

I guess he loved who he thought you were, but as he got to know you better, he realised you were not the woman for him. This is not uncommon, it happens every day of the week. People split up to go find people they are more suited to.

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ballycastle
How long have you been dating, and were you sexually active with him?

 

You mentioned that he has brought up his sexual appetite and that you need more time to open up, so I am guessing the frequency of sex was a problem for him. I am not saying either of you was right or wrong, but just trying to clarify what the issue surrounding sex was, exactly.

 

Also, in what context did he tell you that you two might not work out? It sounds like there was some conversation leading up to this.

 

I notice that you devote a big part of your identity to your attachment style. While I understand it plays a significant role in shaping your relationships, I also can't help but gather that you have resigned yourself to this and lead with this when you date new men.

 

EDIT: I took a quick look at your past threads. Nearly all of them are regarding your attachment issues and how you aren't datable. I can nearly promise you that men who date you will pick up on the fact that you don't value yourself much and have a defeatist mentality. Having an attachment problem is one thing, but the language you use to describe yourself and your struggles say more than you think they do.

 

Hi thanks for the reply. We dated 4 months.

 

He told me last week of the issues he was feeling (he lives an hour apart) and the problem with the distance. We had talked about how we could work through this. The after it was how I wasn't living up to his sexual appetite.

 

Yes attachments are big for me. It has help me weed out avoidant men. I have done a lot of work on improving my outward confidence, but how does one any be vulnerable in a relationship if you hv to sense check everything you say? My value has increased somewhat but yes he did pick up on my language.

 

Sex - I take time to bed down with sexual confidence, I felt he was very confident and needed him to understand our different pace. Again this is what he used as a reason to dump me.

 

Maybe I am defeatist and simply defeated. It's hard when countless relationships make you more fearful to express yourself.

 

I do not want to come off as weak. I am upfront about my needs (as advised to be in literature)

 

Thanks. We were together 4 months

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I am unclear. So in the 4 months did you sleep with him or not?

 

If it's a "no" then I think this is the reason he decided to bail. Sorry he was not the right guy for you.

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I'm sorry you are in pain and I know it's difficult. Most men put sex pretty much at the top of the list when looking at compatibility. I would go as far to say if sex is hot for them pretty much nothing can make them leave. At 50 this man knows what he wants and no matter how much he cared for you he felt you weren't compatible in a major area of the relationship. He probably thought initially that he could handle your anxiety but realized he isn't as equipped for that as he originally thought. It takes a special person to understand and be supportive of that condition. I don't think he planned to hurt you. You said you have a past of being attracted to unavailable men. I'm glad you have realized your area in this and I'm sure that fed your anxiety. How long did you date him?

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I dunno..reading your post, it struck me that you sound so cold and analytical about everything.

 

I'm in my 50s, too. I'm 51. So I get it. By our age, we've dealt w a lot of s***.

 

At some point, you have to just listen to your heart.

 

But I relate to what you're going through, more than you know. It's happened to me where a guy told me "I'm falling in love with you", then broke up with me a few wks later, saying "the feelings just aren't there."

 

I think maybe this guy fit your checkboxes so much, that you were ignoring what was going on, on a deeper heart level...maybe his feelings just weren't there, although he thought they were.

 

I've dated younger men and consistently, I keep running up against them not knowing what they really want. I would expect a guy my own age to be a little more certain about what they're looking for.

 

You were only together 4 months, so I wouldn't put so much stock in this rel'ship that you label yourself "undateable." Sounds like there was just a compatability issue w this particular guy.

 

I was crushed when my guy bailed after 6 months, but I moved on and continued to have meaningful rel'ships from him

 

6 months has been a curse for me. My most recent ex..we had 6 mos of pure bliss, then everything hit the fan for him. Just totally triggered and unleashed his past trauma onto everything, which triggered MY past trauma..it's a mess.

 

It's hard to admit when you have to move on, because you can develop deep feelings for someone pretty quickly, but..this is just a case where you have to move on.

 

Maybe at some later stage he'll contact you, or you'll run into him, and he may be better able to explain where his head is at. I've had exes do this countless times.

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I'm sorry you are in pain and I know it's difficult. Most men put sex pretty much at the top of the list when looking at compatibility. I would go as far to say if sex is hot for them pretty much nothing can make them leave. At 50 this man knows what he wants and no matter how much he cared for you he felt you weren't compatible in a major area of the relationship. He probably thought initially that he could handle your anxiety but realized he isn't as equipped for that as he originally thought. It takes a special person to understand and be supportive of that condition. I don't think he planned to hurt you. You said you have a past of being attracted to unavailable men. I'm glad you have realized your area in this and I'm sure that fed your anxiety. How long did you date him?

 

Oh I dunno about that. I have had mind-blowing sex with men, and they still left.

 

As much as men like to claim we women are neurotic w tons of issues that get in the way of rel'ships..in my experience, men have been tons worse. Not being over their exes. Childhood issues. Paranoia. Insecurity. Garden-variety neuroses.

 

Perceived threats to their masculinity cuz the woman is stronger. Or smarter. Or makes more money. etc

 

Plenty of things will make them walk away from a rel'ship where the sex is phenomenal. Sometimes it's not even conscious.

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Perhaps you can spend some time working on yourself before trying to get into a relationship again? No middle-aged person (man or woman, for that matter) wants to sign up for babysitting an emotionally needy or fragile partner. It might be cute when you’re young like in your 20s, but it gets old quick at such an age. Personally, I wouldn’t tell someone I just started dating that I have such an emotional issue. It puts too much pressure on him, and I don’t see what difference it would make. The “love of his life” comment was also very odd, considering you had known each other a few short months only.

Edited by JuneL
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ballycastle
Perhaps you can spend some time working on yourself before trying to get into a relationship again? No middle-aged person (man or woman, for that matter) wants to sign up for babysitting an emotionally needy or fragile partner. It might be cute when you’re young like in your 20s, but it gets old quick at such an age. Personally, I wouldn’t tell someone I just started dating that I have such an emotional issue. It puts too much pressure on him, and I don’t see what difference it would make. The “love of his life” comment was also very odd, considering you had known each other a few short months only.

 

Hi the 'love of his life' comment comes from, I believe, 'love bombing'.

 

I have spent considerable years working on myself. In so much I recognise my triggers and why I am hardwired like this.s None of us are perfect.

 

I realise that perhaps we weren't compatible. And yes, dating is about revealing your layers one by one and hope things last...

 

But a love bomber creates the illusion of safety by saying 'I will catch you,', or 'you are my soulmate.'

 

1 in 4/5 of us have my sort of attachment. It is very common. I have learnt to know how to manage it.

 

However, if threatened, it does kick in. He was telling me in a round about way things were off. I reacted in silent shock.

 

Even if I didn't have this attachment, reacting in shock in any dynamic is NORMAL. I shouldn't be vilified being human. If a loved one reacted in that way, in NORMAL circumstances you comfort them, find out what is wrong. I don't expect you to get angry at something they say that destabilises you. I only reacted like this once in the months we were together.

 

If I was doing it every day, yes an emotional bind. But he triggered a response in his pending warning that he was leaving. Less than a week later he was gone.

 

If you are not compatible, fine, I go with that. I was simply seeing if others had been through the same. But it was the way it was done that I realise is what Narcissists do.

 

Thanks

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ballycastle
I dunno..reading your post, it struck me that you sound so cold and analytical about everything.

 

I'm in my 50s, too. I'm 51. So I get it. By our age, we've dealt w a lot of s***.

 

At some point, you have to just listen to your heart.

 

I think maybe this guy fit your checkboxes so much, that you were ignoring what was going on, on a deeper heart level...maybe his feelings just weren't there, although he thought they were

 

You were only together 4 months, so I wouldn't put so much stock in this rel'ship that you label yourself "undateable." Sounds like there was just a compatability issue w this particular guy.

 

It's hard to admit when you have to move on, because you can develop deep feelings for someone pretty quickly, but..this is just a case where you have to move on.

 

Maybe at some later stage he'll contact you, or you'll run into him, and he may be better able to explain where his head is at. I've had exes do this countless times.

 

 

Hi thanks. I don't believe I am cold and analytical at all. I do a lot of research as I am interested in behaviours. That is how I make sense of my world and the people that inhibit it. Cold is definitely not how I am.

 

But yeah, I can move on...everyone has baggage. At our age, people don't just arrive in boxes ready made...He said that he loved that I was 'real' with emotions, depth, thoughts and feelings.

 

As you get older it is harder to meet anyone who is willing to realise they have issues, recognise them and work on them. I am for all three, he alluded to, but I guess that was a rouse.

 

the more research I have done today, the more I realise he was a love bombing narcissist.

 

 

I fell for how he made me feel. Classic. then disregarded. He often talked of being in contact with his EX. That made me very nervous. Guess they are back together.

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ballycastle
I am unclear. So in the 4 months did you sleep with him or not?

 

If it's a "no" then I think this is the reason he decided to bail. Sorry he was not the right guy for you.

 

 

yes after a month or so. Then he started to complain that I wasn't sexually active enough for him due to his veracious appetite.

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yes after a month or so. Then he started to complain that I wasn't sexually active enough for him due to his veracious appetite.

 

Did you reject him often when he wanted to be intimate?

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ballycastle
Did you reject him often when he wanted to be intimate?

 

Hi no I did not. Sometimes I was tired so it was shortened, but sex is important to me too.

 

I realise his appetite and mine made us incompatible.

 

He said I was fearful in the bedroom. I was a little. It was early days, I was getting used to his sexual ferosity.

 

To him I wasn't enough. He said, 'all my previous girlfriends were up for it [more than you].

 

I started to feel inadequate. I was often compared to his exes.

 

That isnt good.

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Well at least you know now when a guy starts "love bombing" you again to take it with a grain of salt. Actions always speak louder than words and I mean many months of consistent action. I think you guys were just incompatible sexually and he left. You are right that he is probably back with his ex.

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And yes, dating is about revealing your layers one by one and hope things last...

 

I disagree with this and I think it's one of the things causing problems for you. I'm firmly of the belief that someone should start out (as much as possible given the infatuation going on) being who they are. No pretence, no layers. Thing is, if someone falls for the you which is all hidden, it stands to reason they may not want the final person who is revealed.

 

To me, a great start is with someone who is WYSIWYG.

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If you haven't experienced it in your own life before, you can read plenty of posts here at LS about people who shower "love" on someone and then disappear. Don't waste time or energy trying to figure out why (it will never make sense), just take it as a good lesson for the future.

 

The very first negative comment he made about you (about your sexual appetite or anything else) was a warning sign. So was the "love of his life" comment at such an early stage.

 

Heed those signs in the future and don't continue to emotionally invest in someone who sets off those warnings. You have to safeguard your own heart, don't expect someone else to do it just because you tell them you have attachment issues.

 

You have a lot of power through how you look at things to determine whether or not you can or will trust again.

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ballycastle
I disagree with this and I think it's one of the things causing problems for you. I'm firmly of the belief that someone should start out (as much as possible given the infatuation going on) being who they are. No pretence, no layers. Thing is, if someone falls for the you which is all hidden, it stands to reason they may not want the final person who is revealed.

 

To me, a great start is with someone who is WYSIWYG.

 

Hi interesting your take on this.

 

When you meet anyone, it is the journey travelled, conversations and experience that makes up your shared relationship journey and hopefully a great friendship. My girlfriends are the ones who know and trust me, I tell them about my feelings because that has been built up. Just like in a relationship.

 

I do not shy about who I am. However, telling someone on the first few dates about your terrible childhood, former dating disasters, your anxious preoccupied fears is NOT a way to proceed, and they would run a mile. you need to build that up as the trust grows.

 

What I mean is that you show who you are in bits and pieces and invite the response from the person. That is what you do on first dates. If the person likes you, you continue. If you allude you have had years of therapy to understand your issues after the first cup of coffee, I suspect they won't be returning.

 

Over time of listening and talking I gauged what to tell my partner and when. He listened intentally.

 

What I believe he was doing was to give the illusion he was caring and a great listener, but to later tell me when dumping me, 'We come from different relationships past.' We all do. I have done a lot of work to understand who I am.

 

I am not perfect, none of us are. He has issues, we all do. But it is the cold, calculating way he ended us, no discussion, not allowing me to respond and attempt to 'fix' what was going on for him, no wanting to work at it that is so blindsiding. 12 hours before, was perfectly loving, then threw a curveball to suggest he wanted an exit. That is what started my anxiety, and I was right to feel that way, a sense of doom as he ended it.

 

IF YOU SUPPORT TO LOVING A PERSON, YOU TRY TO WORK THINGS THROUGH

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ballycastle
Oh sorry to hear. He should not be comparing you with his exes. That is not fair.

 

Agreed! It made me not feel good, like I was never good enough. And I am. Just not with him, clearly.

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I am not perfect, none of us are. He has issues, we all do. But it is the cold, calculating way he ended us, no discussion, not allowing me to respond and attempt to 'fix' what was going on for him, no wanting to work at it that is so blindsiding. 12 hours before, was perfectly loving, then threw a curveball to suggest he wanted an exit...

IF YOU SUPPORT TO LOVING A PERSON, YOU TRY TO WORK THINGS THROUGH

 

Not if a person hits a "deal breaker", and this I guess for him was a deal-breaker, there was no working through, no attempt to "fix" anything, as your issues to him were too great. He knew he was incapable of living with them so he bailed.

He could have led you on and dumped you 3 months later after fights and distance introduced, would that have been any better? No, because there is no good way to dump someone.

Cleanly and quick is usually as good as it gets...

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I am not perfect, none of us are. He has issues, we all do. But it is the cold, calculating way he ended us, no discussion, not allowing me to respond and attempt to 'fix' what was going on for him, no wanting to work at it that is so blindsiding. 12 hours before, was perfectly loving, then threw a curveball to suggest he wanted an exit. That is what started my anxiety, and I was right to feel that way, a sense of doom as he ended it.

 

IF YOU SUPPORT TO LOVING A PERSON, YOU TRY TO WORK THINGS THROUGH

 

This was because he didn't want to "fix" what he thought was wrong he just wanted to move on. I'm sorry he hurt you. Now you know to not trust "love bombing" when it happens too soon before a man gets to know the real you.

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ballycastle
This was because he didn't want to "fix" what he thought was wrong he just wanted to move on. I'm sorry he hurt you. Now you know to not trust "love bombing" when it happens too soon before a man gets to know the real you.

 

If you haven't experienced it in your own life before, you can read plenty of posts here at LS about people who shower "love" on someone and then disappear. Don't waste time or energy trying to figure out why (it will never make sense), just take it as a good lesson for the future.

 

The very first negative comment he made about you (about your sexual appetite or anything else) was a warning sign. So was the "love of his life" comment at such an early stage.

 

Heed those signs in the future and don't continue to emotionally invest in someone who sets off those warnings. You have to safeguard your own heart, don't expect someone else to do it just because you tell them you have attachment issues.

 

You have a lot of power through how you look at things to determine whether or not you can or will trust again.

 

Thank you all for spending time reading and responding to my post.

 

Interesting I keep a diary and found my comment next to his 'I love you' on the fifth date....'That's way too soon'.

 

I need to work on trusting my own gut feeling and having the strength to walk away.

 

Having been on multiple dates, I can with others but still need to work on those I subconsciously know aren't good.

 

My sense of worth/doubt is something that will take a lifetime to overcome. I always believe, I will either a/not have the chance to ever love again or b/feel lucky to have been chosen.

 

 

Neither of them I realise are good. When I am single, I am fine and feel confident about my dating potential. However, when brave enough to date, enter a relationship, when I am in a position and my spidey 'attachment' senses are picking up on something, I am 9 times out of 10 right, but I don't trust myself enough being an anxious person to remove myself. this is common as 'we' don't always like conflict/ending relationships easily even when they aren't good.

 

A frustrating and tragic paradox.

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missgirl2019

First of all, let me say thank you to you.

 

I didn't know about attachment styles and by reading your post, I researched about it on Google and OMG! It seems like all was revealed to me about how I am and why I have been in the kind of relationships I have been, especially this last one!

 

I have an anxious attachment style too. I tend to attract avoidants. Their withdrawal, aloofness, being closed off, etc, just feeds my anxiety and keeps me in this toxic cycle.

 

I've had a similar experience to you lately.

 

I've met a guy who seemed sooooo available and open and secure in the beginning and lovebombed me too to an extent.

 

I didn't know about attachment styles at that time, but now I realise I have been looking for someone with a secure attachment for all my life!

 

When I met this guy and he seemed so open and available, I thought subconciously this is it! I found him! The secure emotionally available guy is finally here!

 

So I didn't pay attention to the red flags, and soon after the dynamic started: he revealed his true self: avoidant. And he started to avoid, withdraw, be closed off, etc. And it triggered my anxiety of course.

 

So he ended up breaking up with me too after saying I was the love of his life.

 

I understand now what happened. I guess he's also looking for that woman with a secure attachment and thought it was me. When he saw my anxious behaviour, it triggered him and he ran away.

 

We're now texting each other as friends (his idea), and I don't know what's gonna happen.

 

But I've just realised I do have to change my attachment style with myself and become secure, even before a secure partner comes up. Because it is the only way for me to be happy with msyelf first and then and to have a healthy relationship with someone else.

 

So thank you SO much for your post and for helping me on this.

 

By reading your last post, I don't think it's a question of not trusting yourself or being unworthy. It's more that you're used to a certain pattern of behaviour so you stay and don't listen to your gut instinct. Same here.

 

I'm definitely going to do something about it, because I AM worthy of a healthy and secure relationship, I've got no question about it. And my identity is NOT anxious. I am much more than that, and you too.

Edited by missgirl2019
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