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Says i'm the love of his life then dumps me?


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Old 11th April 2019, 2:51 AM   #1
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Says i'm the love of his life then dumps me?

I am struggling to come to terms with a man who does that?

I am anxious preoccupied attachment spending years dating emotionally unavailable men.

After countless heartaches, last year I met a man exhibiting secure attachment. I am in my 50's so this is rare in the OLD world.

After many years of therapy, reading about boundaries, asking for what I wanted, letting them know my attachment style, I meet a man who is very interested. He has a history of long term relationships, presented as secure attachment, wanted a future with me, integrated into my life, treated me 'properly', dates, talking, investing in me. It was text book and we were very happy. (I thought)

I was starting to let my guard down. I noticed him commenting on his sexual appetite, I couldn't keep up with this, I told him due to my past, it will take time to fully give myself. We had been dating a few months and for him to be patient. I had explained my past and the work I have had to do to fully trust. He knew of my anxious attachment but my friends were my real support : if feeling anxious I contacted them for reassurance not him. Usually I was wrong and 'overreacting'.

Until last week he was talking in a dismissive way about us. Letting my guard down I became shocked with silence. I was hearing him say 'we might not work out.' As in usual attachment style I freaked, I was silent, couldn't speak. I thought this is the man who told me he would 'catch me when I fall,' would do that. He didn't. He let me fall at the first sign of needing his lovibg reassurance. He was angry, puzzled. I tried to explain what was happening for me. Surely he would talk me through, love me?

He did the opposite. The following week was emails about how unpassionate I was, became petty about my share of money (never brought it up before) and made it clear we had no future. He broke up with me last night saying, 'I'm at a more [mature] stage of my life, want someone relationship ready....we have different pasts, you present as' work'.

Let me be clear. I am aware of codependant behaviours and always made sure I am mature enough to self manage. It was the one time my spider senses picked up on his departing presence and days later, as detected, he finishes us.

He confessed I was the love of his life. Previous partners never said these words so perhaps I was blinded by them from him?

How do you move on from being lied to? From being told the one thing people like me rarely have? I trusted him with my past. He listened and supported me, but now it was simply to hear about it to set me up.

I have trust issues already, now I know I can never trust again. Anxious preoccupieds have an unsealable fate... They are going to be less giving everytike and come across as cold and unloving.

I will not be able to ever tell anyone my past for fear of judging. And this means having a life alone. And be undateable.

I'm not here for anyone to say 'I'll love again', it's really to try to understand why one human being would make you think they love you, to cut you loose when you start being yourself?

Who does that?
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Old 11th April 2019, 5:48 AM   #2
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How long have you been dating, and were you sexually active with him?

You mentioned that he has brought up his sexual appetite and that you need more time to open up, so I am guessing the frequency of sex was a problem for him. I am not saying either of you was right or wrong, but just trying to clarify what the issue surrounding sex was, exactly.

Also, in what context did he tell you that you two might not work out? It sounds like there was some conversation leading up to this.

I notice that you devote a big part of your identity to your attachment style. While I understand it plays a significant role in shaping your relationships, I also can't help but gather that you have resigned yourself to this and lead with this when you date new men.

EDIT: I took a quick look at your past threads. Nearly all of them are regarding your attachment issues and how you aren't datable. I can nearly promise you that men who date you will pick up on the fact that you don't value yourself much and have a defeatist mentality. Having an attachment problem is one thing, but the language you use to describe yourself and your struggles say more than you think they do.

Last edited by ExpatInItaly; 11th April 2019 at 5:53 AM..
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Old 11th April 2019, 5:56 AM   #3
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Why would a person say they love you then cut you loose when you start being yourself? Because they fell in love with someone who was pretending to be someone they are not.

While you might have tried to describe who you are, it's your actions which they grow attached to. When the real you comes out, they realise you've pulled a 'bait and switch' It's why it's so important to start out as being yourself.

I would also suggest that when a person starts out with a partner who presents some challenges, they will think they can manage it. But when those ideas become reality, they discover that they really aren't up for the challenge. Thinking you can do something and finding out you can't isn't a lie, it's self discovery. He found out that he needs a woman who is open from the outset.
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Old 11th April 2019, 6:33 AM   #4
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I guess coming from a history of long term stable relationships, he probably found women who were easy to get along with, easy to understand and who he was comfortable with.

You come along and he probably thought you were the same, but from what you say you were not particularly straightforward, and he summed it up rather neatly in his parting message.

'I'm at a more [mature] stage of my life, want someone relationship ready....we have different pasts, you present as' work'

I guess, he just wanted a nice, uncomplicated, loving woman he could have sex with, and who he could relax and spend time with.
He was not really interested in dealing with your "issues".

Dating is not about finding someone and sticking with them whatever they throw at you, it is about sussing out who they really are and then deciding whether that is someone you want to further invest in or not.
Romantic love is not unconditional nor is it everlasting.
I guess he loved who he thought you were, but as he got to know you better, he realised you were not the woman for him. This is not uncommon, it happens every day of the week. People split up to go find people they are more suited to.
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Old 11th April 2019, 6:49 AM   #5
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Originally Posted by ExpatInItaly View Post
How long have you been dating, and were you sexually active with him?

You mentioned that he has brought up his sexual appetite and that you need more time to open up, so I am guessing the frequency of sex was a problem for him. I am not saying either of you was right or wrong, but just trying to clarify what the issue surrounding sex was, exactly.

Also, in what context did he tell you that you two might not work out? It sounds like there was some conversation leading up to this.

I notice that you devote a big part of your identity to your attachment style. While I understand it plays a significant role in shaping your relationships, I also can't help but gather that you have resigned yourself to this and lead with this when you date new men.

EDIT: I took a quick look at your past threads. Nearly all of them are regarding your attachment issues and how you aren't datable. I can nearly promise you that men who date you will pick up on the fact that you don't value yourself much and have a defeatist mentality. Having an attachment problem is one thing, but the language you use to describe yourself and your struggles say more than you think they do.
Hi thanks for the reply. We dated 4 months.

He told me last week of the issues he was feeling (he lives an hour apart) and the problem with the distance. We had talked about how we could work through this. The after it was how I wasn't living up to his sexual appetite.

Yes attachments are big for me. It has help me weed out avoidant men. I have done a lot of work on improving my outward confidence, but how does one any be vulnerable in a relationship if you hv to sense check everything you say? My value has increased somewhat but yes he did pick up on my language.

Sex - I take time to bed down with sexual confidence, I felt he was very confident and needed him to understand our different pace. Again this is what he used as a reason to dump me.

Maybe I am defeatist and simply defeated. It's hard when countless relationships make you more fearful to express yourself.

I do not want to come off as weak. I am upfront about my needs (as advised to be in literature)

Thanks. We were together 4 months
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Old 11th April 2019, 8:27 AM   #6
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I am unclear. So in the 4 months did you sleep with him or not?

If it's a "no" then I think this is the reason he decided to bail. Sorry he was not the right guy for you.
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Old 11th April 2019, 8:52 AM   #7
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I'm sorry you are in pain and I know it's difficult. Most men put sex pretty much at the top of the list when looking at compatibility. I would go as far to say if sex is hot for them pretty much nothing can make them leave. At 50 this man knows what he wants and no matter how much he cared for you he felt you weren't compatible in a major area of the relationship. He probably thought initially that he could handle your anxiety but realized he isn't as equipped for that as he originally thought. It takes a special person to understand and be supportive of that condition. I don't think he planned to hurt you. You said you have a past of being attracted to unavailable men. I'm glad you have realized your area in this and I'm sure that fed your anxiety. How long did you date him?
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Old 11th April 2019, 10:11 AM   #8
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I dunno..reading your post, it struck me that you sound so cold and analytical about everything.

I'm in my 50s, too. I'm 51. So I get it. By our age, we've dealt w a lot of s***.

At some point, you have to just listen to your heart.

But I relate to what you're going through, more than you know. It's happened to me where a guy told me "I'm falling in love with you", then broke up with me a few wks later, saying "the feelings just aren't there."

I think maybe this guy fit your checkboxes so much, that you were ignoring what was going on, on a deeper heart level...maybe his feelings just weren't there, although he thought they were.

I've dated younger men and consistently, I keep running up against them not knowing what they really want. I would expect a guy my own age to be a little more certain about what they're looking for.

You were only together 4 months, so I wouldn't put so much stock in this rel'ship that you label yourself "undateable." Sounds like there was just a compatability issue w this particular guy.

I was crushed when my guy bailed after 6 months, but I moved on and continued to have meaningful rel'ships from him

6 months has been a curse for me. My most recent ex..we had 6 mos of pure bliss, then everything hit the fan for him. Just totally triggered and unleashed his past trauma onto everything, which triggered MY past trauma..it's a mess.

It's hard to admit when you have to move on, because you can develop deep feelings for someone pretty quickly, but..this is just a case where you have to move on.

Maybe at some later stage he'll contact you, or you'll run into him, and he may be better able to explain where his head is at. I've had exes do this countless times.
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Old 11th April 2019, 10:14 AM   #9
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I'm sorry you are in pain and I know it's difficult. Most men put sex pretty much at the top of the list when looking at compatibility. I would go as far to say if sex is hot for them pretty much nothing can make them leave. At 50 this man knows what he wants and no matter how much he cared for you he felt you weren't compatible in a major area of the relationship. He probably thought initially that he could handle your anxiety but realized he isn't as equipped for that as he originally thought. It takes a special person to understand and be supportive of that condition. I don't think he planned to hurt you. You said you have a past of being attracted to unavailable men. I'm glad you have realized your area in this and I'm sure that fed your anxiety. How long did you date him?
Oh I dunno about that. I have had mind-blowing sex with men, and they still left.

As much as men like to claim we women are neurotic w tons of issues that get in the way of rel'ships..in my experience, men have been tons worse. Not being over their exes. Childhood issues. Paranoia. Insecurity. Garden-variety neuroses.

Perceived threats to their masculinity cuz the woman is stronger. Or smarter. Or makes more money. etc

Plenty of things will make them walk away from a rel'ship where the sex is phenomenal. Sometimes it's not even conscious.
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Old 11th April 2019, 10:31 AM   #10
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Perhaps you can spend some time working on yourself before trying to get into a relationship again? No middle-aged person (man or woman, for that matter) wants to sign up for babysitting an emotionally needy or fragile partner. It might be cute when you’re young like in your 20s, but it gets old quick at such an age. Personally, I wouldn’t tell someone I just started dating that I have such an emotional issue. It puts too much pressure on him, and I don’t see what difference it would make. The “love of his life” comment was also very odd, considering you had known each other a few short months only.

Last edited by JuneL; 11th April 2019 at 10:36 AM..
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Old 11th April 2019, 12:36 PM   #11
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Perhaps you can spend some time working on yourself before trying to get into a relationship again? No middle-aged person (man or woman, for that matter) wants to sign up for babysitting an emotionally needy or fragile partner. It might be cute when you’re young like in your 20s, but it gets old quick at such an age. Personally, I wouldn’t tell someone I just started dating that I have such an emotional issue. It puts too much pressure on him, and I don’t see what difference it would make. The “love of his life” comment was also very odd, considering you had known each other a few short months only.
Hi the 'love of his life' comment comes from, I believe, 'love bombing'.

I have spent considerable years working on myself. In so much I recognise my triggers and why I am hardwired like this.s None of us are perfect.

I realise that perhaps we weren't compatible. And yes, dating is about revealing your layers one by one and hope things last...

But a love bomber creates the illusion of safety by saying 'I will catch you,', or 'you are my soulmate.'

1 in 4/5 of us have my sort of attachment. It is very common. I have learnt to know how to manage it.

However, if threatened, it does kick in. He was telling me in a round about way things were off. I reacted in silent shock.

Even if I didn't have this attachment, reacting in shock in any dynamic is NORMAL. I shouldn't be vilified being human. If a loved one reacted in that way, in NORMAL circumstances you comfort them, find out what is wrong. I don't expect you to get angry at something they say that destabilises you. I only reacted like this once in the months we were together.

If I was doing it every day, yes an emotional bind. But he triggered a response in his pending warning that he was leaving. Less than a week later he was gone.

If you are not compatible, fine, I go with that. I was simply seeing if others had been through the same. But it was the way it was done that I realise is what Narcissists do.

Thanks
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Old 11th April 2019, 12:44 PM   #12
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I dunno..reading your post, it struck me that you sound so cold and analytical about everything.

I'm in my 50s, too. I'm 51. So I get it. By our age, we've dealt w a lot of s***.

At some point, you have to just listen to your heart.

I think maybe this guy fit your checkboxes so much, that you were ignoring what was going on, on a deeper heart level...maybe his feelings just weren't there, although he thought they were

You were only together 4 months, so I wouldn't put so much stock in this rel'ship that you label yourself "undateable." Sounds like there was just a compatability issue w this particular guy.

It's hard to admit when you have to move on, because you can develop deep feelings for someone pretty quickly, but..this is just a case where you have to move on.

Maybe at some later stage he'll contact you, or you'll run into him, and he may be better able to explain where his head is at. I've had exes do this countless times.

Hi thanks. I don't believe I am cold and analytical at all. I do a lot of research as I am interested in behaviours. That is how I make sense of my world and the people that inhibit it. Cold is definitely not how I am.

But yeah, I can move on...everyone has baggage. At our age, people don't just arrive in boxes ready made...He said that he loved that I was 'real' with emotions, depth, thoughts and feelings.

As you get older it is harder to meet anyone who is willing to realise they have issues, recognise them and work on them. I am for all three, he alluded to, but I guess that was a rouse.

the more research I have done today, the more I realise he was a love bombing narcissist.


I fell for how he made me feel. Classic. then disregarded. He often talked of being in contact with his EX. That made me very nervous. Guess they are back together.
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Old 11th April 2019, 12:48 PM   #13
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I am unclear. So in the 4 months did you sleep with him or not?

If it's a "no" then I think this is the reason he decided to bail. Sorry he was not the right guy for you.

yes after a month or so. Then he started to complain that I wasn't sexually active enough for him due to his veracious appetite.
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Old 11th April 2019, 12:56 PM   #14
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yes after a month or so. Then he started to complain that I wasn't sexually active enough for him due to his veracious appetite.
Did you reject him often when he wanted to be intimate?
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Old 11th April 2019, 2:21 PM   #15
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Did you reject him often when he wanted to be intimate?
Hi no I did not. Sometimes I was tired so it was shortened, but sex is important to me too.

I realise his appetite and mine made us incompatible.

He said I was fearful in the bedroom. I was a little. It was early days, I was getting used to his sexual ferosity.

To him I wasn't enough. He said, 'all my previous girlfriends were up for it [more than you].

I started to feel inadequate. I was often compared to his exes.

That isnt good.
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