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2 months since baby mama left me for another dude


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We have a child together, about to be 3.

 

Anyways, my ex met a guy at work, after 3 - 4 weeks of cheating on me they moved in together. Now she’s in FL, and I am in IL, so we had this weird long distance relationship due to me being a truck driver at the time.

 

She didn’t tell me about this new guy, or anything. She broke up saying we’re better off as friends, once I told her I’m moving down to FL, and we can live together again. I found this on my own since she kept pushing the “let’s be friends” line.

 

I never stay friends with exes, no matter what. I told her we can just co parent, but we aren’t friends.

 

I looked at who the new dude is, and as he may seem like an ok guy, I think he’s a pussy. When I called to speak to him, I wanted to clarify to him to make sure he understands his boundaries around my son. Only thing he could ask me is not to take my ex away from him. I told him to keep her. I didn’t say why, but I have a lot of reasons. I am better off without her.

 

I initiated LC. No contact with her, just contact with my son.

 

The plan is, once I am down there in FL(I already have a place etc) I will pick him up on Friday from daycare, have him the whole week, then she will do the same, which is great.

 

However, I never dealt with this before, it’s a twisted situation and I’m wondering what can I possibly be prepared for?

 

First, as far as her new bf, I didn’t choose him to be in my life. I look at it like he chose me cause I come with the kid, and the kid comes with my ex. I don’t see myself respecting him in any form. I see him as weak, ugly, beta, etc. This is because what he asked me about not taking my ex back, while he did that to me knowing we have a kid, but also hiding with her. These are the things that can get a person killed. I think I would’ve respected him more if they both came with the truth from the start.

 

Second, as far as my ex, for doing what she did, and other things I simply don’t find appealing about her, and I know I don’t wish to be with her, I look at her as a poor, ugly, stupid, confused little whore, not a woman I thought she was when we met.

 

I am brutally honest, I don’t have fear, I speak what’s on my mind even tho sometimes I shouldn’t. I have no guilt about anything. I am one of those guys where people can confuse my confidence for cockiness, but a lot of people (especially women) love me for it.

 

My move will be in about 3-4 weeks, and first two weeks I’ll be seeing the kid with exchanges before we kick the weekly schedule in. What do I say to her or him if they show up? I can’t help but feel like a lion and wish to tear them apart with reality, however I don’t wish to use my energy on anything. I’m not sure what to expect from them, and as far as I’m concerned I have nothing to say to the new dude since I don’t know him, and could care less about him. I don’t see him needing to be in my business. I’m worried if he is there and tries to talk, I will have to logically explain to him why he shouldn’t talk to me.

 

Bottom line is: he can have her, i don’t want her, but I can’t picture myself being a “good little boy” and “playing nice” and “fake”, with these two idiots, however I don’t wish to put them in their place.

 

Any input?

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A separation which has the best outcome for a child involves EVERYBODY playing nice. Even if it's fake nice. This involves not saying bad things about an ex or their partner within earshot of the child. In short, I can't imagine that you'd be seeing them without your child around, so what you should expect is courtesy from them and you should give it in return.

 

Lastly, these are not the things which get a person killed. A person only gets killed if a killer wants to kill them.

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ExpatInItaly

The only things you should talk about when you see them are matters related to your son. That's it.

 

You don't have to be friends with them, and I honestly doubt they truly want to be friends with you either. For the benefit of the child, however, all of you need to behave like mature adults in his presence. Bite your tongue for his sake.

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A separation which has the best outcome for a child involves EVERYBODY playing nice. Even if it's fake nice. This involves not saying bad things about an ex or their partner within earshot of the child. In short, I can't imagine that you'd be seeing them without your child around, so what you should expect is courtesy from them and you should give it in return.

 

Lastly, these are not the things which get a person killed. A person only gets killed if a killer wants to kill them.

 

Well, in a lot of places people do such things, not saying I wil do, and not saying I want to.

 

But I just can’t picture myself being kind to them in a fake way. I’m moving solely for my kid, not him, especially since they literally just met.

 

My thoughts are, if that does happen, to politely ask him to walk away and in a few weeks 3 of us can have a lunch and talk. I think he should respect that, and once 3 of us talk we can set boundaries without the child being present.

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The only things you should talk about when you see them are matters related to your son. That's it.

 

You don't have to be friends with them, and I honestly doubt they truly want to be friends with you either. For the benefit of the child, however, all of you need to behave like mature adults in his presence. Bite your tongue for his sake.

 

Of course they don’t, and that is why I told the ex I want to only co parent, not be “friends”. She didn’t accept it kindly, she sort of forcing said we have to be friends. But I find a line between friends, and conparenting. Co parenting is only discussions about the child, what’s best for the child. That’s all. Friends is more talking about our lives etc.

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ExpatInItaly
Of course they don’t, and that is why I told the ex I want to only co parent, not be “friends”. She didn’t accept it kindly, she sort of forcing said we have to be friends. But I find a line between friends, and conparenting. Co parenting is only discussions about the child, what’s best for the child. That’s all. Friends is more talking about our lives etc.

 

I have a feeling you're worrying about something that won't actually come to fruition, OP.

 

I can't see her new boyfriend trying to befriend you, and your ex will likely take the hint and keep things about the child. Going out for lunch together wouldn't make much sense if you have no intention of being friends with them. Be consistent that you wish to keep things civil but distant on a personal level.

 

Don't sweat it unless you need to. And at this point, you don't need to.

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I have a feeling you're worrying about something that won't actually come to fruition, OP.

 

I can't see her new boyfriend trying to befriend you, and your ex will likely take the hint and keep things about the child. Going out for lunch together wouldn't make much sense if you have no intention of being friends with them. Be consistent that you wish to keep things civil but distant on a personal level.

 

Don't sweat it unless you need to. And at this point, you don't need to.

 

Thank you, personally I hope things go just smooth as I want them to with little interaction but I have to prepare myself cause I am stepping into a very unfamiliar territory. I just want to make sure our child is ok, and how they two have handled things so far it gets me worried honestly. I can’t imagine introducing him to someone I haven’t known for a long time, better yet move in with them after 3-4 weeks of knowing them, while the other parent is gone away on business. So it does get me worried.

 

If it wasn’t for the child, I honestly think we would have either been done like 2 years ago.

 

I FaceTime with him and he told me that he looks like me and I look like him lol. It’s been few months since he seen me and for such a little age to say that makes me happy. He’s beautiful, smart. Healthy, tall like me and last thing I want for him is to go through mental issues due to all of this.

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Sorry but you have to place nice. You don't have to like the situation or them but for the sake of your child, hold your tongue. You be civil, nothing more, but do always use your "company manners." You want your child to grow up being a kind, self sufficient individual so model that behavior. It's going to take more strength & character to be the bigger person but that is who your son needs. He will need a good role model in you because if mommy's idea of good decision making is to cheat then move in with a man she hardly knows after 3 weeks, your kid is going to have to rely on you for how to be a mature adult. Don't let him down.

 

Best wishes.

Edited by d0nnivain
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loversquarrel

I see such a meeting devolving quickly. Be smart about this and not reactionary. What you should do is consult with an attorney concerning your rights and the rights of your child. A lot of shytty things can happen without any legal court orders to prevent it. Whatever you do don't trust her on any agreement unless it's legally binding. Be calculating and keep things short.

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Update:

 

As days came closer to me moving down and especially since I was here she started being talkative a nice to me. I wasn’t mean back. But avoided her by being short in my replies.

 

 

First meeting, we met at a book store. I asked her to keep the other child in the car or at home, to which she replied he will wait in the car.

 

Kid recognized me and everything went great with the kid.

He didn’t wanna go back to her at all. I told her to kee the other child at home for next day pick up, which she did. The other child is her BF by the way.

 

Next day kid saw me and ran to me happy, once again didn’t wish to go back to her at the end of the day. She offered for me to pick him up at daycare next Friday. Then she started texting me if I need anything blah blah blah. I told her I’ll call her if there’s an emergency to go have a fun night off.

 

Kid obviously had a great time, no issues. Next day when I went to drop him off, same thing doesn’t wanna see her.

 

She just stood there ugly like a duck and dumbfounded. I offered to rake him to the car, she agreed. I put him in his seat, kissed him goodbye like all the good stuff.

 

She stood there like waiting for me to hug her too, or to say happy mother’s day, or give her flowers. I looked her dead in her eyes and told her after this since we will be picking him up only at daycare, there is really no need for us to have any contact anymore unless it’s an emergency concerning the kid, and to please bring back the outfit he is in like I’m returning the outfit she brought him in.

 

She just said “ok”. And I walked away. Did I mean it? **** yeah! I see her in a NEW light now; very unappealing, I don’t have any attraction to her anymore.

 

I’ll admit tho, at first I did use no contact as a way to show her, but at the end I see her differently therefore my actions towards her are different. It does disgust me that we couldn’t have a normal family etc and never will, but that’s only cause of the kid. As far as I go, I’m happier, got my closure, have no more questions, and can tell anyone do NC but make progress to what you want. I wanted to be part of my kids life again, which I am, legally and in person.

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But your kid now has "warring" parents.

He will quickly suss out Daddy and Mommy do not ever talk to each other and that is a pretty big deal I guess for a kid.

It may be perfect for you, but for your kid...

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It's fine. It's not ideal but at least you are reconnecting with your son. Even if your child figures out daddy doesn't like mommy any more, him seeing you behave in a calm professional manner is still a good thing. He will learn respect.

 

One thing for next year & other holidays. Your child is young. You have to be the person who takes him to the store & pays for presents for him to give his mother on Christmas, her birthday & Mother's day. You are facilitating his ability to show love to his mom. You don't have to like her but you have to remember he loves her & you need to encourage that bond.

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Well, you've got a lot of anger and hurt to swallow there, I get it. That guy and her probably won't last because they got together too quick, but that's not so much your problem. I wouldn't care too much that he's a beta guy since that is probably okay for your son. You don't want him to be aggressive. Again, you don't really have to be around him. You know you have to keep it civilized and just do that for your baby. Anything else will reflect badly on you and might limit your rights as a parent. You know that.

 

You will have to blow off some steam somewhere private and don't go in there meeting him loaded for bear, you know. How you can show you're the stronger person of all three of them is demonstrate how you are a man in control of yourself despite the anger you have every right to feel. You must do this for your child. Don't let the name calling start because that baby is nearly old enough to understand and can certainly pick up on tension. You can't badmouth the mother's child around the child ever. It's one of those things that will get you in a lot of trouble if something has to go to court. Judges hate when you drag the kid into adult problems. It's a lot to suck up, it really is, but you're a strong man and you can show them what you're made of by maintaining control over yourself and keeping it polite and just be brief. Listen to any tips the mom has to give you about the child, but don't linger and get into a conversation. Or you can ask her to email you anything you need to know so that you can just do a quick in and out.

 

Sorry you're going through this. It's good of you to move to Florida. That's how I know you're a good man. Better than a lot of them.

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destroyedlife

ive seen this hundreds of times. flaky women never get anywhere in life. they will be in their 40s milking men. eventually no one will want them. then they will come back. your better off my friend. im sorry that you live in the states though. that might make your life more difficult

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My thing is previously after being dumped I felt anger and moved on.

 

 

This was more with the kid involved: you can’t just walk away with that.

 

So having to let go off anger, etc all at once and having to keep limited contact was something that has taught me A LOT of SELF CONTROL.

 

As the kid grows up only thing I can do is be there for him and bond as time goes by. I refuse to buy her anything; or wish her happy anything. Not because I hate her, am angry or anything. It’s for the simple fact that my time is too precious to sit there and get something for her that chances are she won’t even like.

 

As far as setting an example how to treat a woman is by how you treat his mother: well he will learn when a woman cheats and lies, you walk away, show no mercy no matter what, just let them be happy, and find your own happiness.

 

I feel the relief finally and now my excitement is seeing the kid. After seeing her 2-3 times now at exchanges I am happy she did this.

 

However, I found this website after the sick stomach feeling. Can’t think about anything, wanting to punch walls, being in disbelief, trying to go ok social media in panic like an idiot.

 

Many people are here cause they feel the same way, and forcing NC this time instead of naturally walking away I learned self control, and many others that do it will too. Self control is the biggest power we have and this is what this woman taught me. This is the lesson why I don’t hate her, but it doesn’t mean I’m going to spend a dime on her or nice words to her simply cause I don’t respect her.

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I know 3 who use the parallel parenting method.

 

It goes like this:

 

Only communicate by text. Child only. Ignore anything else

 

Never answer a phone call direct let it go to voicemail. Respond if needed by text

 

Pickup/drop offs limit to a 3 minute exchange. If you can do it thru daycare even better.

 

You have your time, she has hers. Keep EVERYTHING separate. No shared holidays, birthdays etc.

 

You can only control your side. Stay out of hers.

 

What this does is eliminate anything to fight or have issues over. It becomes two separate families.

 

Over time it normalizes. I have 2 friends with young kids and one with older teen kids. They all say it's the best possible way they've tried in this type of senario.

 

You'll hear you have to do this or that together. You must talk, be friends, etc. Nope, you don't.

 

I would be liberal with switching days etc. This will be a need for both sides.

 

Never talk bad about the X to your child. She's just his mom nothing more.

Edited by Marc878
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I know 3 who use the parallel parenting method.

 

It goes like this:

 

Only communicate by text. Child only. Ignore anything else

 

Never answer a phone call direct let it go to voicemail. Respond if needed by text

 

Pickup/drop offs limit to a 3 minute exchange. If you can do it thru daycare even better.

 

You have your time, she has hers. Keep EVERYTHING separate. No shared holidays, birthdays etc.

 

You can only control your side. Stay out of hers.

 

What this does is eliminate anything to fight or have issues over. It becomes two separate families.

 

Over time it normalizes. I have 2 friends with young kids and one with older teen kids. They all say it's the best possible way they've tried in this type of senario.

 

You'll hear you have to do this or that together. You must talk, be friends, etc. Nope, you don't.

 

I would be liberal with switching days etc. This will be a need for both sides.

 

Never talk bad about the X to your child. She's just his mom nothing more.

 

 

Amen! That’s how I’m dealing with it. She’s his mother, and I’m his father. Only thing I do is use a court monitoring app to conversation via text because she put me in jail before for something I didn’t do. So now I use this to make sure she doesn’t make things up :)

 

We had really good memories, but sadly she did a lot of stuff I forgave cause she’s the mother of my child. After this, I cannot send this woman anything but concerns about the child, and that’s emergency only.

 

It seems like it will work well. I’m sure we will go to court again down the line for something, but I’m ok with that. Money, facts, evidence etc.

 

However I was hurt, after all I did for her, what she put me through, but now I’m just happy to have legit 50/50 custody and be with my kid like I want to. I don’t want or need to send her flowers, or wish her happy whatever. For all I care she can die tomorrow and I wouldn’t notice a difference. But I do wish she finds her happiness like every person should.

 

Now her BF, the idiot, that’s something different and I have nothing to do with him. He came into my world, and my rules are my rules; don’t come around me cause you’re a insecure liar.

 

I do have to mention. I’m a business person and if I don’t see a use in you, I have no reason to see you, unless you really are dear to my heart; which is not him.

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