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Anamika0217

Hello, I'm new here. I want to express my pain and get advice as what should I do.

 

I was in a relationship with my boyfriend since 1and half year. We broke up 4 days ago. It hurts like anything. I cry listening to songs like what happened about all the dreams and promises (a Bollywood song). What I think is I took him for granted many times. My friends think that he does not accept me how I am and that's why I did it. Still I loved him. I did things to make him happy like surprise birthday party, handmade gifts, cooking all that sort. I did it from my heart. But i used to get pissed by his obsessions like he wants something and if I say no he gets angry. He wants what he wants. We had our flights too. Thought of taking breaks but never did cz no-one was ready to separate. And now we had a fight like I don't like to talk sex and he demans that. I prefer meeting. Then he compares me to other girls and says you are the only different who does not like it. But i have known people who find it creepy. Then he said don't call me. I did call him after few days but he's just this guy I don't know at all. I don't recognize him at all. He does not love me. He wants me to give up my attitude, me wearing shorts, my vegan diet... And there are 2 more things. He hurts me verbally. He says I don't know what has happened but I don't feel like before. He does not want to accept me as I am. My roommates tell me that he is not a open minded person and that wants everything under control. He used to do anything to patch things up but now he just is this guy who does not care. Has someone brainwashed him? Or anything else. What can I do? People say he's not worth me and I deserve better but i love him, our beautiful memories, the way he loved me... I cannot get over him.:(:(

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You will get over it. Break ups happen. In the 1st few days every one thinks they won't survive but we all do.

 

For now you need to grieve but don't give up on life. In time you will come to feel better. Hang in there.

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Secondplanet

really sounds like his true colours came out, I think if anyone asks their partner to change something (especially something like being Vegan, awesome job by the way its hard to stay on there as my ex was a come and go person with it) they just want to make you into what they want instead of taking you for who you are.

 

Usually if more then one friend has a concern it something that needs to be taken into account or atleast have a sit down and a good talk with them to hear why.

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Anamika0217
really sounds like his true colours came out, I think if anyone asks their partner to change something (especially something like being Vegan, awesome job by the way its hard to stay on there as my ex was a come and go person with it) they just want to make you into what they want instead of taking you for who you are.

 

Usually if more then one friend has a concern it something that needs to be taken into account or atleast have a sit down and a good talk with them to hear why.

 

How can someone fake love for 1 and half years. I don't feel that was fake. He did everything, like nearly lost his job, he came to my place which is 3 hours far to convince me not to have a break, he never.... He just isn't that guy now. I don't know why I do think that someone has brainwashed him. And yes we met and had a good talk. I asked why are you like this now? He said I don't know. All his answers are I don't know why I have changed and why didn't you try when I was the loving boyfriend?

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Anamika0217
You will get over it. Break ups happen. In the 1st few days every one thinks they won't survive but we all do.

 

For now you need to grieve but don't give up on life. In time you will come to feel better. Hang in there.

 

Yes. I know. I had worse breakup than this one. I did survive. Just this guy was really different. My ex's were jerks, this one cared for me. He accepted me as I am. Just now no he is not willing to. He was not even talking to me nicely. I tried for 15 days to get my relationship back on track. But failed and now I'm just crying and wondering that good guys do change??

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ExpatInItaly
Yes. I know. I had worse breakup than this one. I did survive. Just this guy was really different. My ex's were jerks, this one cared for me. He accepted me as I am. Just now no he is not willing to. He was not even talking to me nicely. I tried for 15 days to get my relationship back on track. But failed and now I'm just crying and wondering that good guys do change??

 

In my experience, no. Not really. I have not seen a great guy become a jerk, unless there was some extenuating circumstance such as a trauma or drug abuse or some other external factor that impacts their psychological balance. But, I don't think that's the case here.

 

It's more likely that you are now seeing who he really is, either because he previously concealed it or because you were in denial.

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Just this guy was really different. My ex's were jerks, this one cared for me. He accepted me as I am.

 

I'm terrified for you if you think this guy cared & your other EXs were jerks. You told us this guy:

  • is inflexible. He wants what he wants & gets angry if he doesn't get it;
     
  • demands that you talk about sex even though it made you uncomfortable
     
  • wants to control how you dress (no shorts) & what you eat (no vegan)
     
  • insults & hurts you verbally.

 

You had fights (plural). You thought about taking breaks. Your roommates think he's bad for you. I agree with them. I think you dodged a bullet. A good man does not do any of the things you describe. I fear that you have set the bar too low if you think this guy was one of the good ones. Let him go & work on your picker.

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Anamika0217
I'm terrified for you if you think this guy cared & your other EXs were jerks. You told us this guy:

  • is inflexible. He wants what he wants & gets angry if he doesn't get it;
     
  • demands that you talk about sex even though it made you uncomfortable
     
  • wants to control how you dress (no shorts) & what you eat (no vegan)
     
  • insults & hurts you verbally.

 

You had fights (plural). You thought about taking breaks. Your roommates think he's bad for you. I agree with them. I think you dodged a bullet. A good man does not do any of the things you describe. I fear that you have set the bar too low if you think this guy was one of the good ones. Let him go & work on your picker.

 

Well yes he was inflexible during the first stage. Then he wanted to make changes, he adjusted many things. Had fights, not huge, but yes we did have fights. About sex I think is I was his first girlfriend and he has no experience in girls as relationship education is 0 in India. And he had to do jobs and stuff as his dad passed away too soon. He actually used to buy shorts and motivated me for Vegan food. He is the opposite after he returned from his home town. He went home for a month, and came back as this other guy. He works in my hometown, visits his parents once a month. I remember telling him that he felt happy with his parents and wants to make them happy. I am moving on as I know I cannot love him anymore as he is being a jerk. My roommates think he's not worth it now. Before they were like he's the best. I don't know. This is so ****ing confusion. I asked my roommates too that was that all fake. They say no and that they don't have any clue what happened when he visited his home

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Anamika0217
In my experience, no. Not really. I have not seen a great guy become a jerk, unless there was some extenuating circumstance such as a trauma or drug abuse or some other external factor that impacts their psychological balance. But, I don't think that's the case here.

 

It's more likely that you are now seeing who he really is, either because he previously concealed it or because you were in denial.

 

Thank you so much that you guys are actually thinking about people's problems. I'm so glad to post it here. Yes even I never saw a this change coming. I'll tell you exactly what happened. He works in my hometown. I live a little away from my hometown for education. He went to his home for a month. Before he went we had a stupid fight. Then I actually thought he would convince me but he took it lightly. I was pissed and forgot that he was leaving for his home. I called and asked him how can he be okay about me being sad about something he said that hurt me. Then this went on and then after few days I ended the fight for his birthday. I talked. After few days he was romantic and I feel it creepy. I tried saying no without hurting his feelings but he got hurt and said not to call him again in frustration. I didn't call. He didn't call. We both Waited for eachother. I wasn't calling because he said don't. And he was waiting for me I don't know why. Then after that I tried to make everything alright. Called him to meet me. And then he was nomore himself. After that I kept trying but failed. And then he is hurting me, doing exactly those things which will hurt me. And when asked about why he changed and that I am sorry. He says I took him for granted when he was so loving and that he does not know why he has changed.:(

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So basically you're upset because now when you break up with him he no longer begs you back and you want to know why? It's because he has now grown bored with you and the break up dance you two have been doing. I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't have his eyes on another girl.

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Anamika0217
Well yes he was inflexible during the first stage. Then he wanted to make changes, he adjusted many things. Had fights, not huge, but yes we did have fights. About sex I think is I was his first girlfriend and he has no experience in girls as relationship education is 0 in India. And he had to do jobs and stuff as his dad passed away too soon. He actually used to buy shorts and motivated me for Vegan food. He is the opposite after he returned from his home town. He went home for a month, and came back as this other guy. He works in my hometown, visits his parents once a year. I remember telling him that he felt happy with his parents and wants to make them happy. I am moving on as I know I cannot love him anymore as he is being a jerk. My roommates think he's not worth it now. Before they were like he's the best. I don't know. This is so ****ing confusion. I asked my roommates too that was that all fake. They say no and that they don't have any clue what happened when he visited his home. Right now I'm just moving on. I'm not waiting for anything, nor do I think he's gonna be okay. Just going on moving on. Not thinking what will happen. And thank you for your support. They help me alot.
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Anamika0217
So basically you're upset because now when you break up with him he no longer begs you back and you want to know why? It's because he has now grown bored with you and the break up dance you two have been doing. I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't have his eyes on another girl.

 

Well no I don't want him to beg me back. I'm upset because a good relationship ended without any serious reason with a guy who literally did anything to keep it. I'm not looking forward or thinking about him coming back. I'm just moving on. Just sharing makes it easier because all the people in my life who knew about us are as shocked as I am.

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The loss of a parent changes people in ways that we don't always understand. His dad death factors into this somehow. I changed a lot & became overly sensitive when my parents died.

 

You need to chalk this up to just one of those things.

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Anamika0217
The loss of a parent changes people in ways that we don't always understand. His dad death factors into this somehow. I changed a lot & became overly sensitive when my parents died.

 

You need to chalk this up to just one of those things.

 

Well yes because maybe when he went home he might have realised the responsibility of whole family is onto him. His dad passed away way back, we were strangers that time. Its just that, the mentality there in his place is way too old than where I live. Maybe he just realised these things. But he should have told me rather than being rude and keeping me in this phase where I'm afraid to trust guys.

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Anamika0217

Hello. As I said he just got distant and changed after returning from his home. I got to know the reasons. He does not have a dad. All the responsibilities are oh him like his sister's wedding, his little brother, his mom, his carrier. He wants to build a house for his family. All these responsibilities are eating him. He is running behind money. When he visited there he just got struck by these things and he changed. Alot. My dad motivated him to not give up on dreams. And if he gives up and gets done with responsibilities he will never have money to get his own business and by that time he'll be 40 something. He felt good. I was scared that he has stopped dreaming. He just wants to get done with the responsibilities. I sent him a audio recording of me telling him good stuff and how he should not leave his dreams and I'll be sad to see him and that I talked to people about his situation. He felt good and told he thanks a lot. Then I asked him for our pictures. He said did I deleted them. (Souded angry or sad) and why did I want them what will I do. I told him as the relationship is gonna end I at least want the pictures. He thought then why do I need them if its gonna end (I think he expected me to say something that might save the relationship). He asked that if I was making something like a scrapbook or anything of us. I said no I just want to look at the memories and even if I was making he would not like it as it was from me. He got pissed and said bye. (Got a hint that he likes me still) He hasn't given me the pictures yet. I told him I'll be out of his hair after getting the pictures and will be gone forever. I said you want the same so just give me the pictures. And now I'm waiting for his reply hoping he'll not let me go. I miss him so badly everyday. I love him. But I don't want to be the person who needs the relationship and he does not show that he needs. I don't know what he wants. I tried to get him back but he's so changed and wants to change me and I'll not be that girl he wants me to be. What does he wants? He gives me these small positive signals but then again goes back to his rude changed person again. Should I just leave it on time? Cz I love him and cannot forget him. Every time I want to go and hug him, tell him I love him so much but then I don't wanna get hurt :( i know I'm desperate but everyone goes through this. :(

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Your bf is just a pushy lying jerk. He's just lying and lying to try to keep you doing whatever he wants. You need to stop crying over him and not idealize what you had, because it sounds quite miserable, to be honest. Have one good cry and then find yourself a nice boyfriend who doesn't want to make you feel stupid or inferior and likes you for you. You sound like a nice giving person. Don't let that tendency make you tolerate someone who just likes to take advantage and push for more.

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mark clemson
I told him I'll be out of his hair after getting the pictures and will be gone forever. I said you want the same so just give me the pictures. And now I'm waiting for his reply hoping he'll not let me go. I miss him so badly everyday. I love him. But I don't want to be the person who needs the relationship and he does not show that he needs.

 

 

It sounds like you are this though. It's very rare that you can change another person. He would have to change himself. And to do that, he would have to want to change himself. But he has other priorities.

 

It's not uncommon to fall in love with the wrong person. Many people have. I've done it myself. I may be wrong, but it sound to me like you must decide whether you want to be "the person who needs the relationship and he doesn't show that he needs" it OR a more independent you who looks for someone else.

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