Ex still having loves notes and photos all around?

[pepelillo]

Hi,

 

I left my exgf 2.5 months ago because she was doubting her feelings for me for several months and I could not bear it any more.

 

Last week I had to visit her home and to my surprise, our photos together were still on the wall. It is not only that she has not paid attention to the photos because she has added new ones (did not check wether any of them included me). Also, I used to leave here loving notes in the mornings and she kept them on the fridge. They are still there! Even she has moved some of them!

 

I cannot understand this. On of her best girl friends says it is normal as it is a part of her life but how come if she is who was saying "I love you but I think I am not in love with you?" Is this a normal thing to you? Nobody I have talked to about this considers this normal but her friend. Perhaps I am wrong considering this is not normal?

 

By the way, the psychologist told me that, in this case, she started the relationship with lots of fear (her ex left her and her child for her best friend). When we went (by my suggestion) to counseling she said one thing: "I was feeling bad because of my job. When I changed job, I still felt bad and thought about what can be wrong and the other thing I found was my boyfriend". So It seems she started to create a negative landscape around me for no reason looking for a way to fly. So it seems she was scaping, not because I was bad for her, but because of her own, internal problems. So it's been kinda weird situation and painful for me.

 

And no, two and a half months later I find the photos, the notes, she has gained a lot of weight, sleeps badly, and says needs to think but cannot and all she does is watching Netflix to avoid thinking... So it seems more or less clear I was not the problem .

 

What's your opinion about the photos, notes and everything? Has it happened to you something like this were personal problems were projected to you and destroyed your relationship?

 

It's hard.

[d0nnivain]

She may be too lazy or too depressed to move them.

[pepelillo]

She may be too lazy or too depressed to move them.

 

Don't think laziness is playing a game here as she has added new photos and changed other decoration around the house.

 

And, depressed? If I am out, and I was supposed to be a part of her unhappiness (although it will be never clear to me).. why could be depressed? If she is depressed about separation (don't think so, although I saw her sad , her friends say they see her strong and that she is well regarding us at this moment, she is not contemplating any change right now)... why to keep/add photos and loving notes all around?

 

I am depressed and one of the first things I did is remove everything reminding me about her. I had to leave, not because I wanted but because it was unbearable. It seems she reached the conclusion that it was for the best the last time she visited the psychologist (who, by the way, says she did not collaborate and refused therapy, in which case it would have worked) leaving was the clear solution... Three days after I had to take the lead and she was not happy, her gut was telling her to keep me but it was strange.

 

I have gone through various breakups before and this is, by far, the one that has left me more in that 'strange state' that something is not right.

[BC1980]

She probably doesn't care enough to remove them yet. It was a recent breakup. You can also it to mean that she's not so upset that she needs to remove the pictures.

[Commongoal123]

OP,

 

I think you should look at this situation objectively.

 

She sounds like she is in denial of her feelings and probably afraid of vulnerability. She also sounds like she projected things onto you that had nothing to do with you. You were her scapegoat.

 

Clearly, she's depressed and experiencing anxiety based off your description of her behavior.

 

Finally, she still has the photos around because she still loves you. It isn't "normal" to hold on to love letters displayed on a fridge if someone doesn't love you anymore.

[preraph]

It's either not what she's focused on or she's a bit stuck dealing with the breakup.

[shydad]

"I love you but I think I am not in love with you?" Is this a normal thing to you?

Yes, I believe this to be normal. First comes love, where you have fond feelings for your sweetheart, then when they become intense and you can't stand being apart, then you are "in love". But different people will have different ideas about this. I've felt both feelings. Not everyone has.

What's your opinion about the photos, notes and everything?

I think she has feelings for you. I think she loves you, like she said.

 

Has it happened to you something like this were personal problems were projected to you and destroyed your relationship? It's hard.

Yes, and you're right, it's terribly hard. If a person's internal problems are perceived to be caused by someone else, the problem cannot be solved. The person will remain unhappy. It can poison the relationship.

[todreaminblue]

i feel being in love with someone is more like limerence than love....its the adrenalin thing the butterflies....i think its like ...dopamine (dont know if thats the right word)....and sometimes it fades to a feeling of nothing....

 

to love someone however is more long lasting....when people say i have fallen out of love for you....in my opinion its they have lost that in love feeling...or when they say directly i love you but im not in love with you....no physical or emotional"excitement"..

 

that in love feeling being felt physically and emotionally ...actually needs physical and emotional effort to keep that intimacy and in love feeling present...again .so when they lose that feeling i see it as apathy in actually make a relationship work with simply...love...and effort......this is a personal theory though.. they have checked out basically and not willing to work on the relationship.....deb