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Damaged ego? Regret? Lonely?


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Thingsfallapart

Broke up with my ex gf last week because I didn’t feel we were compatible for a future together and she wanted to get married and have kids and I didn’t.

She joined a dating app a few days later (the one I met her on and I noticed she had been logging on while we dating coincidentally, even though she promised and swore she hadn’t...

She instigated NC because she said the whole episode of being “dumped” and arguing about the breakup was too painful...

She wrote me a nice goodbye letter, but also explained that she is lonely and sad and needs to move on quickly because she wants a happy future so she needs me to understand that she’ll always love me but because I can’t marry her or I don’t want children she has to move on...

 

This left me feeling like WTF? Because I was the dumper but I’m too upset even to start texting and meeting other people...

 

It’s been 2 days NC and I miss her like crazy.

I really miss her and I’m wondering if I feel like this because I am lonely or I really regret breaking it off or I’m jealous of the idea of other guys sleeping with her...

 

It’s so painful and confusing right now...

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Thingsfallapart

I really miss being with her but I can’t give her what she wants because I’ve already been married and divorced and I already have children. So I don’t want to rush back into these things especially someone who I’ve onky dated 18 months...

Also I never caught her cheating or texting but I always had the gut feeling that there was much that was being hidden from me and she was quite secretive with her phone sometimes. There never was anything though. Just small lies that she admitted to.

 

Maybe I’m just lonely and don’t know what to do next.

I’m giving her the NC she requested because she says every time she hears my voice she cries, but I’m confused about what I want now.

Do I?

Or is it just ego, jealousy and sadness talking?

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I'm sorry to hear you're hurting. I could have been your ex...my ex left me, because he didn't want to have children and I did.

 

In a way I understand your ex. She wants to move on and find someone who wants the same things. For me it would be way too early, but I can understand.

 

I don't think you should contact her unless you're willing to give her what she wants.

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Thingsfallapart

How can she start messaging and meeting guys already though? I can’t even imagine doing it. And she says it’s because she is sad and lonely and needs to find someone who will give her what she wants...

It makes me feel like I’m easily replaceable...

She is not just saying that to make me jealous because I can see she has been logged in to the dating app.

 

I can’t give her what she wants and even if I could, I think she has moved on too quickly and for me that would be uncomfortable and unpleasant if I found out she’d already slept with someone...

 

I suppose NC is for the best for the dumpers too

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How can she start messaging and meeting guys already though? I can’t even imagine doing it. And she says it’s because she is sad and lonely and needs to find someone who will give her what she wants...

It makes me feel like I’m easily replaceable...

She is not just saying that to make me jealous because I can see she has been logged in to the dating app.

 

I can’t give her what she wants and even if I could, I think she has moved on too quickly and for me that would be uncomfortable and unpleasant if I found out she’d already slept with someone...

 

I suppose NC is for the best for the dumpers too

 

Maybe she's just using it as a distraction. You don't know if she's meeting anyone. Maybe she just looks what's outthere. I bet she's grieving, because it's so hard being with someone who doesn't want to marry and have children (just read my thread) and give up on that person. It's you who dumped her. She wanted everything with you.

 

I bet she's not over you, but she has to do something. If you could decide what do you want her to do? Would it make you happy if she wanted to get you back?

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Thingsfallapart

I love her and I don’t think I’ll ever find someone better than her. However, I don’t want to deny her what she wants to make a happy life and future.

I’m really struggling with NC but I’ll keep it because I know it’s what she needs. I don’t want to hurt her anymore.

The idea of her with someone else really hurts me to my core though.

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She is on a mission and cannot afford to waste a single second more with some guy who is not capable of giving her what she wants.

Why did you waste 18 months of her time?

Already divorced with kids of your own, you knew it was a no go...

 

Moral of the story. Stop leading on women who want kids. It is unfair and selfish and cruel.

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ExpatInItaly
How can she start messaging and meeting guys already though? I can’t even imagine doing it. And she says it’s because she is sad and lonely and needs to find someone who will give her what she wants...

It makes me feel like I’m easily replaceable...

She is not just saying that to make me jealous because I can see she has been logged in to the dating app.

 

Because her goal of having a family overrides her pain of losing you.

 

She is being honest with you, OP. She is sad and hurt and doesn't want to waste any time finding a man who wants the same thing she does.

 

You need to go No Contact so you can heal. Stop all direct communication with her. Who she dates or sleeps with now is not your issue.

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Thingsfallapart

Broke NC by sending her the song “Someone you loved”. I didn’t expect her to reply and she didn’t.

I don’t regret it because it’s a beautiful song that explains exactly how I feel now.

 

I’ll give her NC and just try to go upwards and onwards.

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Broke NC by sending her the song “Someone you loved”. I didn’t expect her to reply and she didn’t. .

 

That sounds manipulative and is emotional blackmail. Ugh!

Leave her alone unless you want to get married and have kids.

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ExpatInItaly
How so? It’s just a beautiful song about break ups

 

Come on, dude. Have some sensitivity.

 

You don't send a song about break-ups and feelings to the woman you just dumped. How selfish of you.

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Thingsfallapart

I broke up with her and she made it final by moving on and going NC. So it feels like I was dumped to be honest.

 

That’s just my feeling.

I’m the one at home listening to break up songs, drinking whisky and crying into my hand like a loser while she is out with someone else and having fun.

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I broke up with her and she made it final by moving on and going NC. So it feels like I was dumped to be honest.

 

That’s just my feeling.

I’m the one at home listening to break up songs, drinking whisky and crying into my hand like a loser while she is out with someone else and having fun.

 

Please, read what we are writing to you. She's NOT having fun. You have no idea what she's doing, so don't make up stories. And by the way....how to you know she had a dating app unless you've one too and seen her there?

 

It's ok to be sad and grieve even though you dumped her. It's not your fault you don't want to marry again and have more kids. It's also ok you let her know you're sad about it, but now leave her alone.

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She has a ticking clock to find what she wants and needs. She doesn't have the luxury of staying home and drowning her sorrow in a pint of Ben and Jerry's.

 

You dumped her, she hurts, she made that clear. But she's dealing with it in her own way - and as has been pointed out, you don't really know what the reality is.

 

If you care about her you will leave her alone and let her find happiness with someone with whom she's better matched. Reaching out to her in any way is NOT a caring thing to do.

 

You'll get over the disappointment and hurt in time and move on yourself. The lesson here is to make sure early on in the next relationship that you are compatible with life goals.

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Please leave her alone. Stop sending her anymore messages. She is not going out there having fun. She is going out there to look for her life partner to get married and have kids with. She had wanted these things with you, but you did not. Which is fine, we all have different goals in life. The bioclock is a very real issue for women, and she just does not have time to waste on grieving a relationship that was not meant to be.

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Broke up with my ex gf last week because I didn’t feel we were compatible for a future together and she wanted to get married and have kids and I didn’t.

She joined a dating app a few days later (the one I met her on and I noticed she had been logging on while we dating coincidentally, even though she promised and swore she hadn’t...

She instigated NC because she said the whole episode of being “dumped” and arguing about the breakup was too painful...

She wrote me a nice goodbye letter, but also explained that she is lonely and sad and needs to move on quickly because she wants a happy future so she needs me to understand that she’ll always love me but because I can’t marry her or I don’t want children she has to move on...

 

This left me feeling like WTF? Because I was the dumper but I’m too upset even to start texting and meeting other people...

 

It’s been 2 days NC and I miss her like crazy.

I really miss her and I’m wondering if I feel like this because I am lonely or I really regret breaking it off or I’m jealous of the idea of other guys sleeping with her...

 

It’s so painful and confusing right now...

 

It breaks my heart just by reading it. You broke up with her. She has every right to move on and to meet people. Just leave her alone.

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Sorry you are hurting. This will get easier in time.

 

Please leave her alone. Any time you reach out her own healing will be delayed. She is just trying to move on without you.

 

Please get her number off your phone so you are not tempted to reach out.

 

 

Both of you need to heal.

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Guy checking in here: I totally get the feeling of devastation that comes with finding out that your ex is already out there looking for someone. My most serious relationship was with someone who admitted that they look for rebounds to help transition them away from the relationship after it ends. Her actions after we split showed that. I was crushed, even though I technically ended things after exhausting ways to fix things.

 

That said, she told you what she wants. You can't give it to her. She's hurt, but also knowing that her wants are time-sensitive, so she can't really spend long fretting over your breakup. It's kind of a crappy situation to be in, I'd assume, because she's probably not gonna get a chance to really process the breakup, but she doesn't have the luxury of taking the methodical way of healing.

 

Anyway, I know you're hurt, but you need to let her be. Outreach on your part is probably not ill-intended, but it is self-serving. Hard as it is to hear, she doesn't owe you anything now and she needs space to figure out the next phase of her life.

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Thingsfallapart

There you have it, gentlemen of the audience.

 

You’re not special!

 

You’re nothing more than a toaster or microwave to a woman.

 

And if you break down, she will start shopping for a replacement straight away!

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ExpatInItaly
There you have it, gentlemen of the audience.

 

You’re not special!

 

You’re nothing more than a toaster or microwave to a woman.

 

And if you break down, she will start shopping for a replacement straight away!

 

Oh, please. Let's not play the victim or paint all women with the same brush. I know you're hurt but you would be wise to keep the bitterness in check or you will never really move on.

 

You didn't "break down." You have goals that didn't align and you realized that you couldn't reasonably continue the relationship. That's all this is. She is now doing what she feels she needs to do to reach those goals. Her current behaviour is not about you. It's about her.

 

This is sometimes what happens when people break up, man. Some people take time off to be single and heal, and some don't. You can't take their moving-on strategies this personally or decide it's a barometer of how they felt about you. No, you don't like that she is already looking for someone else. Sure, that stings. But it's the risk you take when you dump someone. You don't get to decide how things should play out thereafter.

Edited by ExpatInItaly
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Saw another poster wrote this in another thread, "those who want children will always feel empty if they never have kids." Something to ponder on. It's not about you. If it was not meant to be, no point wasting time mulling over it.

 

You wouldn't want her to spend the rest of her life feeling empty because she didn't get to be a mother as she ended up with a man who has his own kids and didn't want any with her. Just go NC and let her go forth towards her goals.

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Plenty men have reacted to a break up by having a one night stand or playing the field or even by moving another women in almost immediately, it is not a gender thing.

Once broken up, it is finished, gone, finito, you have no say in what that person does any more.

Some like to believe that the hurt, the regret, the heart ache is split down the middle with both equally upset, but that is rarely true. One tends to be heart broken and the other is determined to get on with their life.

Usually when there is a clear cut reason for the split, like here, it makes it a lot easier.

There is NO future in this relationship, so your ex can take strength from that. No what ifs or buts or maybes - she can move cleanly on.

You need to do the same.

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OP you are swimming around in your own selfishness and ego. You. Dumped. Her.

 

You do not have the same life goals. That doesn't make either of you wrong, just incompatible. You aren't willing to give her children. She's not willing to give up the opportunity to have them.

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I have a feeling the "break up" was designed to get her back in line. She was supposed to say "Please don't break up with me, marriage and kids are not as important to me as being with you..." or words to that effect but when she went NC and moved on, the OP then realised she had actually gone...

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