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Four Months Post Break-up


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Old 14th March 2019, 4:56 PM   #1
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Question Four Months Post Break-up

Hello LS, itís been years. I actually nearly made a new account until I realized that I could reset my password. Anyway, thank you to everyone in the past for all your advice and support. Iím hoping you can help provide some insight once more.

I dated a man for nearly two years. The relationship moved quickly, but it didnít stop it from feeling right. We did, however, have a lot of problems. My ex continuously lied to me about things. For example, he lied to me about his sexuality, specifically his lack of any. Iím not saying heís asexual, but he lied to me about being a virgin and his general desire for sex period. Apparently he had on and off throughout the years gone to therapy and nothing has worked.

I tried to be as patient as I could be, but this became a problem. This wasnít the only thing he lied to me about. He lied to me about money and even about where he was going. The day he broke up with me in November he did it over a text, calling me a bunch of names and not even admitting his fault in the break-up. I know I provoked the break-up as I had called his father to find out if he had lied to me again. This time around, he said he had to accompany his father on a business dinner at the very last minute and given lie after lie... I honestly lost it.

Other moments of losing it include when he disregarded my thoughts and booked a trip to Europe the day after my birthday, as well as telling me I viewed him as a wallet because he helped me when I got laid off last year (mind you - I never asked him to help me). He also had the nerve to tell me I had saggy breasts. I ask myself why I even still think of this man given his behavior, and especially that, his family and I got along well until his mother randomly one day got upset with me and Iím still not sure why.

I went NC for months, but recently we have begun coinciding as we have mutual friends. I find myself still having feelings for him, he does, too, or so he says. Weíve agreed to work on ourselves and not see others, but our conversations are stale. It feels like pulling teeth. And yet when we see one another, he is jealous and follows me around like a lost puppy dog. I donít know what to do anymore. Iím seeing a therapist, apparently he is as well, but this entire situation is driving me mad.

I suffer from anxiety and Iím trying to focus on my life. Studying to go back to school mostly for a career change and working a full-time job. This is tough, and Iím sure I know what you will all say, but I needed to vent. I genuinely feel crazy. This hurts like crazy. I honestly thought we could get through anything. When we first met, we clicked and became best friends. Then somewhere along the way, we fell in love, and as time passed, it all went horribly wrong. I wish I could wake up and just not feel anything anymore, but something in my gut tells me it isnít over yet. I feel ridiculous.

If it helps in terms of context, I am 29 and my ex is 37. Thanks in advance for reading this.
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Old 14th March 2019, 6:15 PM   #2
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He's old enough at 37 to be the man he's pretty much going to be forever. He may well have some remorse, or he may just have hope that you're back and willing to put up with his crap instead of leave over it. Him lying is a dealbreaker enough, but him getting mad at you for checking his lie is dispicable.

I can't imagine it will be better the second time around, but glad you're both in counseling. People have to want to change though and it's not easy to change your inner dynamics. I don't know why when he told you you have saggy boobs, you didn't point at his crotch and say, What do you call that? If you shoot back and they don't like being wounded, sometimes they stop picking on you.
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Old 14th March 2019, 9:28 PM   #3
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I probably wouldíve said that except he beat me to the punchline. As soon as he realized what he said, he apologized, and then went on a rant about how God made it so his pipi wouldnít work. Not even kidding.

He has the tendency to be self-deprecating. He also has the tendency of lying and turning people against one another. He told my roommate one thing and me another, and well, had we not talked it out, Iím pretty sure my roommate and I would no longer be friends.

The insults heís hurled at me have been along the lines of telling me Iím scary, crazy, and dominating. I would try to talk to him nicely about what bothered me, but he just went on and on repeatedly doing those behaviors. Or he would change and soon revert back to his behaviors. It seemed that yelling or giving ultimatums worked and even then... eventually that didnít work either.

I suggested couplesí therapy months ago and he agreed. Issue is we never went and he then cited we didnít need it. It became a problem. Things continue to be problems. Iím wondering whatís wrong with me to be dealing with this. Iím used to dating men that make it clear they donít want anything to do with me. Heck, I gave him an out, but nope, heís there and says he wants to fix himself and maybe in a year we can get back together. Claims he needs to change, claims I need to change, but then throws a hissy fit because I said ďbye sexyĒ to a mutual friend.
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