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Dumped because I'm too good? Is that a thing?


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 14th March 2019, 2:44 PM   #1
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Dumped because I'm too good? Is that a thing?

Hello.

I am new to the dating scene and I seem to be having the same pattern with men.

Guy #1 - Things started great, soon realized he was very emotionally unavailable. He apologized and used the "it's not you it's me" line.

Guy #2 - Recently divorced (like myself). Seem to be on the same page on emotional availability but he equally had a lot going on. "I'm sorry but you deserve better and I can't give you what you need right now.

Guy #3 (Most painful) - Really liked this guy. He had all the right check marks, was very communicative from the beginning about where I am at and what I expect/want, had an amazing first date (he claimed the best first date he's ever had), we both agreed that we were very happy about where things were headed. He had already asked me to go to Toronto to meet his friends and family in the summer and was speaking about the future often. Then things started to shift suddenly and he announced that he "isn't ready for a relationship" even though I never asked for anything serious. "I can't give you what you need."

Before you slut shame me and go down asking if I slept with any of them too soon I will ignore it.


I have been reading that sometimes guys will break up with girls that scare them or that they are afraid to be hurt by.

All three of these guys had NOTHING negative to say to me, it was all "you're perfect" "You deserve better" and in fact in the beginning THEY were the ones emotionally investing me, asking me to be exclusive with them, making plans for the future etc. And then all suddenly flipped and pulled away.

I am aware I am probably attracting emotionally unavailable men and that there are some things I may be doing to cause this.

That's not my question, my question is, is this is actually something men do?! Do men really break up with the potential perfect girl because they are scared? Or not ready?

I am having a hard time wrapping my head around the idea that someone would do something that I would assume they would eventually regret?

Educate me people.
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Old 14th March 2019, 2:52 PM   #2
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"It's not you, it's me" is a cliché as is "I can't give you what you need" or "you are too good for me". All are said to soften the blow.

It doesn't really matter why these guys wanted out, the fact remains that relationships default to the one who wants to leave.

Take their statements at face value. Then go off & find the guy who can give you what you deserve.
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Old 14th March 2019, 2:58 PM   #3
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Man, I've heard this b.s. way too many times myself.

I was most recently dating a much younger guy and things only went south in the last week or so. Prior to that, I dated a guy closer to my own age.

After 4 months, it didn't seem like we were progressing. He hadn't even talked at all about relationship type stuff. I had no idea about his prior relationships..nothing. It's like he had a wall up.

So I finally asked if I was just a hook up. He said "you need to find a really good guy. You deserve it."

OK! Great.

Another guy, we dated for a little over a month but communicated every night, either by phone or IM for a month before that.

He kept talking about women who were great, but he wasn't in love with..and it became clear he strings women along.

When I asked him if he was going that to me..he pretty much admitted he was.

Once again "you deserve better" etc.

Sadly, I think many men will just keep you on the string to get the sex. Then when you make it clear you need to know where it's headed, they give you the "it's not you it's me" b.s.

Dating sure is frustrating.

Check out the Baggage Reclaim site. She talks about this and how to spot red flags before you get strung along too far.
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Old 14th March 2019, 3:27 PM   #4
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Hi, ChristineK.

It's difficult (and frustrating) when we recognize a potential negative pattern within ourself or our manner of relating, but cannot get honest feedback to help us figure it out and resolve it.

I don't think it'll prove terribly useful or helpful to focus on the 'what and why' of how the guys are doing their side of it; but rather to focus on the 'what and why' of your side.

This will sound unconventional, but...do you still have any type of relationship with any of those three men, which might allow you to elicit some feedback on the part you played
in helping them to decide to end things with you sooner than later?
(Your goal here would be ONLY to get some insight into you being able to do better in the future, which you could tell them so that they don't get any wrong ideas.)

Failing that, personal therapy might be able to help you uncover the root causes of your repeatedly attracting emotionally unavailable men;
or you could look at the dynamics and patterns between you and your former spouse, to see if anything jumps out at you.

Wishing you the best...this type of introspection and self-examination can be most challenging (and frustrating )...but also very rewarding.
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Old 14th March 2019, 5:14 PM   #5
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They probably just weren’t that into you. If they had been but just weren’t ready, they’d at least try to talk to you and let you know. Or even attempt to string you along.

Consider it a blessing. These men showed you who they are. Now you can go on and find the next. And if they come back (because they usually do), you can figure it out then. If not, good riddance. By the time they come back, you’ve usually moved on and are too busy being happy.

Good luck with everything!
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Old 14th March 2019, 5:36 PM   #6
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No, you're not being dumped because you're too good. All these lines simply go back to the guys being keen at first but as they get to know you, they realise that they aren't a great match with you.

Keep trying - and remember that you also have the prerogative to move on if someone isn't the right match for you.
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Old 14th March 2019, 5:45 PM   #7
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Shot in the dark: Because you maybe have standards they know they're not going to stick with and would rather have someone maybe they could slip something by.
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Old 14th March 2019, 7:07 PM   #8
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Talking

Hi, OP!

I for one, won't slut-shame you. I think you should sleep with a person at the point you believe is correct and appropriate.

Agree with the point above that men of quality who are actually worthy of your LTR commitment won't be hypocritical about when you/they "should" sleep with the other person.

I think it's quite possible that the men you dated didn't actually want a true LTR or changed their minds (for whatever reason). This might have to do with you, or with them.
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Old 15th March 2019, 1:06 AM   #9
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But why even bother with the first 2 in the first place if it was someone like the 3rd one you needed. Don't waste your time seeing people that aren't even right in the first place.
And nope what gives you the opinion of yourself that your too good.
They most likely each saw things they didn't like as they got to know you more and were just letting you down gently.
Someone can be great at first and it's all too easy to get carried away because it looks one way but later you find out it's another and it all slides down hill very fast as things come out or we put two and two together.

My guess is each would have no problem what so ever committing to the right woman.
There's stories something like this all over the place but next minutes he's engaged or very full in with someone else.
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Old 15th March 2019, 1:51 AM   #10
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Bringing charismatic energy and wit and having a job and showing up with clean breath does not mean you're ready for a relationship or want a relationship or can handle a relationship. (I'm talking about the guys you're writing about.)

The date that interests me is the one where the guy said this was the best date he'd ever been on ... I get your surprise at him pulling back ... But ... again ... dates have their own energy ... and highs ... get some wit and banter going with the right person and you can have an amazing date ... and later ... after the dopamine has dropped back to normal ... when you're back in your own messy living space with bills to pay ... you can get perspective and realize that there were some things about the other person that really are red flags. Not as in you're a disaster red flag. But more like the we are so different red flags. It could also mean, I'm used to dating needy women who think everything I say makes sense. I don't know what to do with you, since you're not needy.

You're too good means ... first of all ... anyone who says that ... definitely run! ...When women say that phrase, they more mean it ... it's a sign of low confidence. It can also be code for I think you're mildly sexy. But I got my eye on raw Joe over there.

When guys say you're too good for me ... it's complete code for ... Dang, you're not going to let me have ongoing sex without some kind of commitment. And I'm not going be able to pretend like I'm trying to commit for a few months while I'm sleeping with you--without you challenging me and calling out my b.s.

Keep going. Date more ... invest a little less hope and keep dating ... Most dates should not be successes ... because we aren't going to fit in good relationships with most people ... But you can still enjoy the heck outta dating and in fact hone your dating skills.
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Old 15th March 2019, 1:53 AM   #11
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OP I don't think men run away from relationships because they're afraid of their feelings or because they think the woman is too good for him. The only exception to this would be if you are highly educated, financially successful and come across as very independent. Then a guy might feel somewhat intimidated but even then he doesn't think the woman is too good for him, he just doesn't want a woman who he feels is never going to admire him or need him.

The "it's not you, it's me. You're great and deserve better" is just a tried and true way to break up with someone gently. Who knows what the real reason is. Could be any number of things. Maybe they met someone else, maybe they really aren't ready for a new relationship, maybe they were just it for the sex, maybe they learned things about you that they thought made you incompatible. There is no sense tormenting yourself wondering why if it's only been a few dates.
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Old 15th March 2019, 3:58 AM   #12
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I think they're just giving you the "it's not you, it's me" line because they figure it's a softer message than the real reason they didn't want to continue.

It could be something you're doing, not doing, or it could be a matter of them multi-dating and having found someone who is a better match for whatever reason.

Sure, the odd man might be afraid to commit or feel you're too good for them, but it's not likely the case with three in a row. There is something else they've opted not to be candid about.
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Old 15th March 2019, 1:56 PM   #13
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Although there is a possibility what they say is true.

From my perspective as a male, I don't care if I was good enough. If I'm interested in a relationship with someone, I would want to pursue them. I honestly wouldn't even think to compare myself like that. Perfection isn't a realistic standard. I know I'm not good enough before the relationship and not good enough during the relationship. It sounds more like the guy isn't interested. Life is about constantly moving towards a goal, and getting closer to the next achievement, as well as being satisfied with where you are at along the way. So when they say they aren't good enough, it sounds more like they aren't interested in taking the journey with you and would rather seek different personal interests.
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Old 15th March 2019, 7:01 PM   #14
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Exact same thing my now exwife said to me, It might be the same thing that she did that they did, What she actually did was found someone to replace me that i'm finding out now was someone she had a childhood crush on and he was finally available.

I just wish people would be more honest about their plans when a relationship is involved. Instead of saying the empty "Its no you, its me" thing they should just say "I don't see us having a future together" Take the blame for what they are doing instead of trying to soften the blow.
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Old 16th March 2019, 6:36 PM   #15
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Exact same thing my now exwife said to me, It might be the same thing that she did that they did, What she actually did was found someone to replace me that i'm finding out now was someone she had a childhood crush on and he was finally available.

I just wish people would be more honest about their plans when a relationship is involved. Instead of saying the empty "Its no you, its me" thing they should just say "I don't see us having a future together" Take the blame for what they are doing instead of trying to soften the blow.

In my experience, saying I don’t see us having a future together has always just led to “but why?” and offers to change. And if I explained why (if it wasn’t just a general vibe) then some of them would be mean. Why? Because you have terrible credit and a bunch of collections suits against you. God digger! Why? Because I just don’t see myself with someone with kids. Oh meet my son, he will change your mind! Why? I just don’t look forward to our time together the way I feel I should if it’s a good relationship. Let me plan a spcecial date night, maybe we are in a rut.

I love the IDEA of honesty and I don’t lie. But a vague break up is usually way easier to deal with than an honest one. Most people don’t want to know the truth.

OP- my guess is that they are interested in someone else but don’t think there is something wrong with you.
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