LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Breaking Up, Reconciliation & Coping > Breaks and Breaking Up

He left, because I want children


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

Like Tree36Likes
 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 1st April 2019, 9:22 AM   #61
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 17,970
As a woman who never wanted kids from an early age I can tell you that I knew having a child would ruin my life as well as theirs. I've never regretted my decision to not have children. I love my nieces and nephews tremendously but wouldn't want my own. Some people just know what they do and do not want. I would hate to be tricked into a decision I did not want.
stillafool is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st April 2019, 10:18 AM   #62
Established Member
 
Leigh 87's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 13,607
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wallysbears View Post
Exactly. The OP needs to speak to an RE, not someone on an internet forum and make an educated decision as to what HER best option is. Your statement about not freezing eggs may not at all apply to her and her health.
The thing is, a lot of "specialists" will just say to do whatever earns them the most money.

It is one of those things, like diets: Just as many professionals will recommend the Keto diet as the other 50% who will hate it. Same goes for fertility treatments... MANY different specialists just do things differently, there is NO one thing that they ALL agree on....

So spending time in forums with women who have no vested interest is a great way to really see what works well and what doesn't. A lot of specialists will not truly paint the whole picture and they have different beliefs anyway, it is not a one size fits all approach.

I actually urge the OP to get to seeing specialists before she is quite ready to go through with it all, to see a few different ones and get a feel of what different specialists say. Getting a second or even a third opinion is crucial when it comes to eggs, fertility and fertility treatments..... It is like finding a good therapist - same training, different approaches and different results for the same patient.....

A lot of women have told me that their specialist warned them that egg freezing has a low success rate and that doctors are not entirely honest with patients about their odds. Yet just as many people swear by the procedure giving them children and being successful.

Egg freezing is widely written about online too. Experts give opinions. You will find just as many against egg freezing as those who advocate it.

The OP should therefore do her own research and NOT just trust the one professional she sees.....It really is one of those areas where there are a lot of differing opinions.

But my opinion from reading the facts so far, are that egg freezing helps young women about to go through cancer treatment as it gives them SOME hope. Where as older women are best just go to IVF with donor sperm and get it over with - as I personally would not want to be pregnant and carry in my 40s. But that is just me.
Leigh 87 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st April 2019, 2:12 PM   #63
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2019
Posts: 38
Thank you for the advices about egg freezing. I will do some research and ask different doctors. I know that a lot of clinics are interested in making money...I also know that sometimes they reject you so you don't ruin their statistics

Right now I try to be more balanced. My body is a mess. So any advice on how to be more peaceful are appreciated.
Lost1981 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st April 2019, 2:16 PM   #64
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 17,970
Working out, take a hot bath, yoga, getting together with friends, meditation and prayer is a good start toward gaining peace.
stillafool is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st April 2019, 3:43 PM   #65
Established Member
 
Elswyth's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 27,701
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lost1981 View Post
I knew he probably wouldn't change his mind, but some men do. And you hear all that "men won't be ready before the child is acutally there" and "men sometimes need a little push" and "if he loves you, he would want to have children with you" and "he will love the child, when it's there" etc. It's easy to get confused. But I have learned now that you should really listen to what men say.
From my observation, men who explicitly say they don't want kids are relatively rare, so you should absolutely believe it when they say it. Men are more likely to be neutral than women are, true - that's probably where those statements are coming from. But they only apply to men who are neutral and would go either way. Your ex was most certainly not neutral.

The good news is that, as I said, such men are rare IMO, so it's likely that any other man you meet would at least be neutral. I'm a woman who doesn't want kids (so no need for them to lie to me) and I've only ever managed to pair up with men who are neutral. I'm OK with that, but it does make me wonder where all these men who apparently DON'T want kids are, because I haven't really met any of them.

I think women are more likely to feel strongly either way. Which makes sense to me because our lives are affected much more profoundly by it, for good or bad.

Quote:

By no other alternative I meant that he wasn't open to that he would love the child when it's born and will not regret it. He just said to himself that a child would ruin his life. Period. He didn't KNOW if it would ruin his life, and he didn't want to change that mind set. That's what I mean by no alternative.
I don't understand your train of thought here. Having a child is an irreversible decision. You don't make these kind of decisions on the off-chance that "you don't know if it will be that bad....". Even if there was a 50% chance that he'd change his mind, would you really want him to go ahead with it? What happens when he doesn't change his mind?
__________________
~Perfection is about accepting that we cannot control everything and letting go of some of our preconceived notions.~ -Spiritofnow-
Elswyth is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd April 2019, 1:10 AM   #66
Established Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Antipodes
Posts: 13,117
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lost1981 View Post
I also know that sometimes they reject you so you don't ruin their statistics
To be fair, if a woman is likely to 'ruin their statistics', it means there's a low probability of success. In situations such as this, it would be highly unethical to take them on without being transparent about the costs vs odds.
basil67 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd April 2019, 8:13 AM   #67
Established Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 83
Some people know exactly what they want or do not want and don't need to waste energy, time and effort to try it out to prove to themselves and others that they were right all along.

Having a child is a HUGE and irreversible investment. It's a rest of your life (or miserable life) kind of thing. Not something you want to take a chance on especially when you are pretty darn sure you don't want them. You can't exactly return the kid if it doesn't work out and you end up hating and resenting that kid for stealing your life for the rest of yours and the kid's life.
assertives is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th April 2019, 7:51 AM   #68
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2019
Posts: 38
I'm so tired of the one step forward two steps back. I have felt ok this week, but yesterday and today are awful. The thought that it's over is driving me crazy...I miss everything, our daily life, our holidays. It's like I only remember the good things right now...what a terrible phase!

I can't give up my dream and besides he's moving to a new place next month, so getting back together is not possible no matter what. But sometimes I feel like I can't live without him. The pain is so overwhelming.
Lost1981 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th April 2019, 10:07 PM   #69
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2019
Posts: 159
I mostly agree with Elswyth, a lot of men tend to be very neutral. I also think that age does play a factor too and that hasn't been discussed.

If you meet a guy who is 40 and doesn't already have kids, how does that affect their desire to want to have them. Let's face it, having kids when your 40, isn't the same as having a child when you're in your 20's or even your 30's. Unfortunately, that is another hurdle some have to face when deciding yes, or no to the ultimate question.

Have you thought about how you would feel dating someone with children? I'd imagine having your own would be the best possible outcome but is helping to raise someone else's child something that interests you?
Inspire is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th April 2019, 11:11 AM   #70
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 17,970
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lost1981 View Post
I'm so tired of the one step forward two steps back. I have felt ok this week, but yesterday and today are awful. The thought that it's over is driving me crazy...I miss everything, our daily life, our holidays. It's like I only remember the good things right now...what a terrible phase!

I can't give up my dream and besides he's moving to a new place next month, so getting back together is not possible no matter what. But sometimes I feel like I can't live without him. The pain is so overwhelming.
Every time he enters your mind try replacing it with the face of the baby you want. That might help. What you are feeling is a normal part of the break up process. Just keep moving forward.
stillafool is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14th April 2019, 2:11 PM   #71
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2019
Posts: 38
Quote:
Originally Posted by Inspire View Post
I mostly agree with Elswyth, a lot of men tend to be very neutral. I also think that age does play a factor too and that hasn't been discussed.

If you meet a guy who is 40 and doesn't already have kids, how does that affect their desire to want to have them. Let's face it, having kids when your 40, isn't the same as having a child when you're in your 20's or even your 30's. Unfortunately, that is another hurdle some have to face when deciding yes, or no to the ultimate question.

Have you thought about how you would feel dating someone with children? I'd imagine having your own would be the best possible outcome but is helping to raise someone else's child something that interests you?
Before my ex I tried to avoid men with children. I thought I couldn't handle being a stepmom. I don't know about now...I guess it will be hard to find a man over 40 who hasn't children, so it is something I have to deal with if/when I start dating again.
Lost1981 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14th April 2019, 2:16 PM   #72
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2019
Posts: 38
Quote:
Originally Posted by stillafool View Post
Every time he enters your mind try replacing it with the face of the baby you want. That might help. What you are feeling is a normal part of the break up process. Just keep moving forward.
Thank you. The baby is my biggest and only motivator now. But I still miss him and it still hurts so much that sometimes I don't know how I will survive. I feel like I had to give up my dream of a relationship, a wedding etc., because I want a baby. I'm so sad that I couldn't have both a loving husband and children. I worry so much about the future
Lost1981 is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Children or no children - that is the question? bwidger Dating 23 2nd January 2010 3:12 PM
Married w/ Children VS no Children ednadean The Other Man / Woman 20 9th June 2009 12:57 AM
If one of your children murdered another of your children... moimeme Parenting 15 7th July 2005 11:25 PM
To have children.....or not to have children....that is the question!! dreaming4ever Family 32 9th November 2004 8:59 AM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 7:08 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2018 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.