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He left, because I want children


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 22nd March 2019, 8:01 AM   #46
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Why don't you see a professional to find out if you can have children rather than stressing about it. At least your mind will be at ease.
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Old 22nd March 2019, 8:21 AM   #47
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Why don't you see a professional to find out if you can have children rather than stressing about it. At least your mind will be at ease.


I've already planned that. I have an appointment next month.
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Old 23rd March 2019, 8:10 AM   #48
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I'm a mess today. One minute I miss him, the next I hope I'll never see him again. One minute I watch "how to get your ex back"-videos and the next I want to go on Tinder. This morning I kept thinking that he probably never loved me. That he just wanted to be on his own all along, and that he faked the whole time. And that he probably is happy now or will be very soon.

I don't feel like crying or contacting him, but I just want peace. I want to be happy again.
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Old 25th March 2019, 11:05 PM   #49
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All of these feelings are perfectly natural and its part of the healing process. Peace comes in time and time heals all wounds ...
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Old 26th March 2019, 9:12 AM   #50
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All of these feelings are perfectly natural and its part of the healing process. Peace comes in time and time heals all wounds ...


I really hope so. I know why we can't be together, but I miss him so much that it hurts. I've never missed someone like that before. I try to focus on moving on, but I still have some stupid hope that one day (maybe if I don't get a child) we will be together again. I can't really accept it's over.
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Old 26th March 2019, 9:17 AM   #51
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It's over. Acceptance is the first step to healing.
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Old 31st March 2019, 7:33 AM   #52
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Today is the first day since the break up where I can listen to happy songs again and enjoy them

The sun is shining and I feel positive about the future. I'm getting used to live alone here. We have talked and met, but I didn't feel anything. No love, no sadness or anger. I miss him, I miss the things we used to do together, but I know we can't be together anymore. I can make new memories on my own or with someone new.

Sometimes I feel like he gave up too soon….it was always me who tried to find solutions and couldn't give up on us. I'm tired of that. I don't want to be the one who fights for the relationship. I want someone who wants the same things as me...with me.

Oh, how I hope this mood will last!

Last edited by Lost1981; 31st March 2019 at 7:37 AM..
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Old 1st April 2019, 12:49 AM   #53
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Thank you all for the replies. I will definitely research about egg freezing. In my country you have to be under 38. I'm 37 so I can't waste more time.

My emotions are still all over the place. I have to accept and move on. It just makes it hard, because I still love him. The feelings are not gone, even though the anger (both at him and myself) makes them smaller.
I am with a Mr "neutral" on having kids. My husband never needed to have kids. He is having them because I want them AND - because, although he is not all excited about it prior to it happening, he CAN see that he would likely feel it to be the best thing to have ever happened to him AFTER the fact.
Some men freely admit they would prefer an "easier" life to that of having children, while at he same time acknowledging that they also see how deep and rewarding the love would be. Men can be whatever about having kids, while at the same time "knowing" they would still love it IF it did happen.

As ET said - egg freezing is useless. .. Especially after age 35. And actually, egg freezing is a pretty crappy way to preserve fertility in general - it only tends to work when you have donor sperm and an actual frozen EMBRYO - merely freezing eggs along is NOT... and I repeat, is NOT a good vale for money type of deal...

Go and get pregnant with a sperm donor. Tomorrow. Do it asap. True love is hard to find.... IF you rush it, you will end up "settling" for the sake of needing to have everything you want in life - you do not get everything you want in life, very few people do. You cannot just wait around to get everything you want. Sometimes, you can have the things that you want but in a different way - you can get the love of your life still and you can go out and have a kid if you act soon - you CAN get what you want, but you cannot be stubborn and sit around, waiting for a miracle.

At this stage in your life - you will be lucky to get a child and also some great love story - be it a bio father to your child or not, not everyone gets children AND the amazing partner they always dreamed of. But you can still have a go of it, albeit you probably won't find him before you bio clock expires.

I hate to be a Debbie Downer here - but I do not know many instances of women who get everything they want out of life - most women and men I am friends with are:
- married but in a loveless marriage albeit, yay they got kids...
- are with the love of their life - but one of them is infertile, so they chose true love over the ability to have children...
- they met later in life and managed a miracle baby - YAY for them!
- more often - they met later in life and needed 10 rounds of IVF and or an egg doner - before getting their miracle, later in life miracle baby. Double yay, right?!

Not many people meet the love of their life, and go on to be married and have children and live happily ever after. Not many people get a free pass, "vacation" life......Actually - my parents got all this, to a point.... married young, love of each others life, still very in love almost 50 years together......had great jobs and lots of money........... But hey, my dad became disabled at age 41 and mum had to work two jobs and move overseas to save us from financial hell and I grew up with my dad - without my mum living in the same country. Not many people get everything they want and when they do, other crap always goes "wrong" for the majority.

Please consider getting donor sperm and going it alone - you can find the love of your life, but love like this does not just fall into our laps and it almost NEVER happens when we want it.

I do understand your conundrum; love or pursuing a family. My partner and I both never considered whether or not we wanted children when we first got together at age 29/30. I eventually got hit with the biological clock too. I now realise I am supposed to be a mum, and no amount of travel, career or friends will fill the void.

I get it.

I am 32 atm and if suddenly single in my mid 30s or beyond - I would absolutely hit the sperm bank and get knocked up solo. I would not "wait" for Mr right.

Do you think that the dream of parenthood with the bio father is always amazing? A outlined above - very, very few married couples are blissfully happy and loving life together. Over 50% divorce and go on to find the right partner with someone they DID NOT have children with. It is not all it is cracked up to be to HAVE to have your children with a long term partner. Look at Brad and Angie - they were a great love story, had kids - then broke up, and they did have a great love story even, and even then it did not work out forever.

The majority of married couples I know are unhappy and cannot stand each other, I really mean that.

I have noticed a few types of men:

- type one: just plain do not want kids. Period.
- men who want kids, period.
- Mr neutral type one: does not care if he has kids or not whatsoever. Is easy going and would prefer to remain in his easy life, but is not against kids either but would "prefer" to not bother.
- Mr neutral type two: is not phased whether he has kids or not, but can see the merit to it all and he knows and can communicate to his partner that " yes, I can see how after the kid was born, I can see how it would be the happiest thing in my life... but as I am already content in life, it just is not something I can be exited about before it happens"

Your ex partner seems to not feel any possible joy to having a child nor any appeal to it, period. Where as a man can be un - excited about having kids, yet still *feel* that it would likely be a very special time (but are just content living the easy life as it is).

My husband was neutral until he met me and I wanted kids. He describes it like this, (I just asked him for you)

" I could not really care less whether or not I have kids, but when I do think about it, I do know that after it happened, I do see that it would be the happiest experience of my life but only AFTER the fact, cos as it stands I am very content with sleeping in and having an easy life and I do not yearn for more..... it is just not something I can get all excited about before pregnancy even occurs, but after you get pregnant of course I would be excited"

Some men can go with or without children. But can see the merit of having kids. Where as some neutral men cannot really see themselves as "happier" after kids and it would be purely for their partners. My dad was exactly the same but ended up very happy he got to experience having me. He would never have sought out a partner just to have kids and would have been fine without.

Please try and grieve your loss of partner while you also pursue your own, individual dream of parenthood. You have until about 40 before you will be the woman who needs 20 IVF cycles all for nothing.
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Old 1st April 2019, 5:36 AM   #54
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Please try and grieve your loss of partner while you also pursue your own, individual dream of parenthood. You have until about 40 before you will be the woman who needs 20 IVF cycles all for nothing.
Thank you for your long reply. I really appreciate it.

About freezing eggs. I would really want it to be my first option, because I don't feel ready for starting the treament, pregnancy etc. right now. I'm not in a good place mentally and physically and I'm also scared it won't end with a good result, because I feel and am so unhealthy. At the same time I feel like I don't have much more time to waste.

For a long time I thought that my ex would change and when the baby would arrive, he would be happy he did it anyway. But it was a risk/chance he wasn't willing to take. He was scared that he would regret having the baby. He wasn't open to any other alternative.

Today I feel sad, confused and well...lost, even though I was in a good mood yesterday. It's hard when all is happening at once and I have some tough decisions to make.
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Old 1st April 2019, 7:31 AM   #55
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Sometimes I feel like he gave up too soon….it was always me who tried to find solutions and couldn't give up on us. I'm tired of that. I don't want to be the one who fights for the relationship. I want someone who wants the same things as me...with me.
I don't think he gave up as much as he realized that the two of you want different things and aren't compatible. If you look at it as giving up so did you by deciding you want kids over the relationship with him. Neither of you are wrong you just want different things in life.
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Old 1st April 2019, 7:55 AM   #56
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For a long time I thought that my ex would change and when the baby would arrive, he would be happy he did it anyway. But it was a risk/chance he wasn't willing to take. He was scared that he would regret having the baby.

I am really concerned that you thought this was a good idea!!! There is a HUGE risk that he would not "change his mind" - and then your baby would have to grow up with a dad that clearly does not want him/her. Can you imagine how that would be like for the child? Living every day with a dad who doesn't care about him/her and doesn't want anything to do with him/her? How awful for the child to grow up like that, it's far worse than having a single parent.

Your ex did the right thing. I understand that the biological drive is strong for you but you cannot let that override common sense and the welfare of your child. Go and have the baby solo now if you must, but do NOT push a man who is clearly against having kids to do so.


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He wasn't open to any other alternative.

If you cannot (or will not?) adopt, what other alternative is there?
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Old 1st April 2019, 9:08 AM   #57
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Thank you for your long reply. I really appreciate it.

About freezing eggs. I would really want it to be my first option, because I don't feel ready for starting the treament, pregnancy etc. right now. I'm not in a good place mentally and physically and I'm also scared it won't end with a good result, because I feel and am so unhealthy. At the same time I feel like I don't have much more time to waste.

For a long time I thought that my ex would change and when the baby would arrive, he would be happy he did it anyway. But it was a risk/chance he wasn't willing to take. He was scared that he would regret having the baby. He wasn't open to any other alternative.

Today I feel sad, confused and well...lost, even though I was in a good mood yesterday. It's hard when all is happening at once and I have some tough decisions to make.

Rather than just freezing eggs then, it would be a lot better to just do IVF with donor sperm - freeze the gametes and get hem transferred when you are ready.

Of course you are going through a very intensive grieving and mourning process. I get it. Right this moment is clearly a bad idea! Plus the drugs used for fertility related egg freezing and the like - will only serve to mess with your already fragile state even more! So yes, great idea to wait until you are feeling more stable.

I myself am waiting until I am a little older before I start trying for kids myself for medical reasons (I have a rare sub -type of a condition where I have TOO MANY eggs left, 9 times the amount as the average woman and need to spend 2 years ovulating them out before the crap quality ones clear)

I will be 34 before I start "trying", as if I try any earlier I will keep having early losses... so I totally understand the biological drive and the time running out thing.. I really do and I am not comfortable with it at all but I just figure that we do not always get everything we want so... I Just focus on counting the blessing I do have.

What helped me was seeing a specialist and also making online friends with women of my age and who have my particular condition - the first friend I made with my exact condition actually got pregnant recently on her very first round of fertility treatment So having buddies albeit online buddies who know what you are going through fertility wise is a huge thing now days - the internet is just swarming with support groups for older first time mothers who need support in going it alone!

I just found that none of my friends nor family members are really in a position to offer any real support regarding my infertility, therefore women who are also like me proved to be the best. Not that you even suffer from infertility (most likely you do not!) but there are still support groups for women who are in your position.

I would also look online at forums that contain mostly women who missed the boat on kids due to circumstances in life (rather than infertility). I would read about how they felt about it, and you will then feel motivated (or not) to act in one way or another.

All the best, and so sorry about your break up, especially at your age it is just plain unfair how life ends up sometimes
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Old 1st April 2019, 9:13 AM   #58
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As ET said - egg freezing is useless. .. Especially after age 35. And actually, egg freezing is a pretty crappy way to preserve fertility in general - it only tends to work when you have donor sperm and an actual frozen EMBRYO - merely freezing eggs along is NOT... and I repeat, is NOT a good value for money type of deal....
Please do explain where you are getting this data. Because it is not scientifically valid. Many women successfully freeze eggs and then have them later defrosted to use for IVF. With the sperm of their partner OR via donor sperm.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 1st April 2019 at 7:02 PM.. Reason: fixed spacing
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Old 1st April 2019, 9:15 AM   #59
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I am really concerned that you thought this was a good idea!!! There is a HUGE risk that he would not "change his mind" - and then your baby would have to grow up with a dad that clearly does not want him/her. Can you imagine how that would be like for the child? Living every day with a dad who doesn't care about him/her and doesn't want anything to do with him/her? How awful for the child to grow up like that, it's far worse than having a single parent.

Your ex did the right thing. I understand that the biological drive is strong for you but you cannot let that override common sense and the welfare of your child. Go and have the baby solo now if you must, but do NOT push a man who is clearly against having kids to do so.





If you cannot (or will not?) adopt, what other alternative is there?

I knew he probably wouldn't change his mind, but some men do. And you hear all that "men won't be ready before the child is acutally there" and "men sometimes need a little push" and "if he loves you, he would want to have children with you" and "he will love the child, when it's there" etc. It's easy to get confused. But I have learned now that you should really listen to what men say.

By no other alternative I meant that he wasn't open to that he would love the child when it's born and will not regret it. He just said to himself that a child would ruin his life. Period. He didn't KNOW if it would ruin his life, and he didn't want to change that mind set. That's what I mean by no alternative.

Last edited by Lost1981; 1st April 2019 at 9:18 AM..
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Old 1st April 2019, 9:20 AM   #60
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Please do explain where you are getting this data. Because it is not scientifically valid. Many women successfully freeze eggs and then have them later defrosted to use for IVF. With the sperm of their partner OR via donor sperm.

I suffer infertility albeit a mild version and I will probably have kids. But I have been around infertility forums for a good couple of solid years and I have read all about where people are paying the money for treatments based on the effectiveness.

From my own research I personally believe that using donor sperm and freezing an embryo - rather than just freezing and egg, alone - is a better bet, success wise. It is just my own interpretation on the matter.

The OP should really go and read her own information of course, as I would recommend anyone does before investing so much money.
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