LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Breaking Up, Reconciliation & Coping > Breaks and Breaking Up

He left, because I want children


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

Like Tree36Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 15th March 2019, 4:58 PM   #16
Established Member
 
preraph's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 24,132
You shouldn't be angry with him. And you shouldn't ever try to get someone who doesn't want kids to have them. That's only thinking of yourself, not the welfare of the child. A father who didn't want the kids to begin with? Bad choice for a father, and you'd have been left with ALL the work and childrearing. I always hear about that biological clock thing, but I never got it. I never wanted kids or had them on my life plan, but I kept hearing that I'd change my mind and kept an open mind, but nope, never felt any of that biological clock stuff. I've always thought that must be more about being surrounded by your old friends and relatives who all have kids and won't stop asking why you don't and feeling left out, but I was lucky no one in my inner circle ever tried to make me feel like a failure for not having them, because they know me too well.
__________________
"I care not much for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not better for it." -- Abraham Lincoln
"The greatness of a nation & its moral progress can be judged by the way in its animals are treated." -Gandhi
preraph is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th March 2019, 6:08 PM   #17
Established Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Antipodes
Posts: 12,121
Quote:
Originally Posted by alphamale View Post
adoption sister
Depends where the OP lives. It's virtually impossible to adopt here in Oz
basil67 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th March 2019, 5:44 AM   #18
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2019
Posts: 38
He's living at a friends house now while searching for a permanent place to live, so I'm living in our apartment alone now. It's so hard to look at his things. I want them out asap, but I know I will break down the day I see the apartment half empty.
Lost1981 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th March 2019, 6:19 AM   #19
Established Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 79
If the apartment depresses you, consider moving. I know it's hard, but try to remind yourself that this is for the better. Don't blame him for not loving you enough to have kids with you. Wanting or not wanting kids is not dependant on how much he loves you or does not love you enough. Some people really just don't want kids, and don't want or ever see themselves becoming a parent. He may never wants kids regardless who he dates or settle down in future.
assertives is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th March 2019, 7:00 AM   #20
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2019
Posts: 38
Quote:
Originally Posted by assertives View Post
If the apartment depresses you, consider moving. I know it's hard, but try to remind yourself that this is for the better. Don't blame him for not loving you enough to have kids with you. Wanting or not wanting kids is not dependant on how much he loves you or does not love you enough. Some people really just don't want kids, and don't want or ever see themselves becoming a parent. He may never wants kids regardless who he dates or settle down in future.
At some point I probably have to move out, because the apartment is too expensive for one person.

I try not to blame him, but at the same time you hear about men who don't want children with one women, but want them with another. I can't help taking this personal. I'm scared he'll find a younger woman some day and have children with her. I know I shouldn't torture myself with these thoughts, but it's hard not to.
Lost1981 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th March 2019, 7:22 AM   #21
Established Member
 
elaine567's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 16,951
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lost1981 View Post
I'm scared he'll find a younger woman some day and have children with her. I know I shouldn't torture myself with these thoughts, but it's hard not to.
Sometimes it can help if you process that before the potential traumatic event, so when or IF it happens you are prepared and can cope better.
Face it head on and overcome it.
You have absolutely no control over what he does, so you need to get your head in order beforehand, so you are prepared for the worst.

Of course some cope better with the head in the sand approach, "It's not going to happen and I will face it if and when it does... "
Different horses for different courses.
elaine567 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th March 2019, 11:23 AM   #22
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2019
Posts: 38
I miss him :-( I try to stay strong and focus on why we can't be together and on my baby project...but I miss him and all the things we used to do. Everything reminds me of him.
Lost1981 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th March 2019, 11:53 AM   #23
Established Member
 
Happy Lemming's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Sunny Southwest
Posts: 2,290
I don't know if this helps or not, but here goes.

When I was in my mid thirties, I met and started dating a woman also in her mid thirties. Very early on in the dating relationship (about a month) she mentioned wanting to have kids. She asked me my views and told me not to lie as she didn't have a whole lot of time left for her biological clock. (She was a very intelligent nurse practitioner and I guess she knew a lot about her personal reproductive system). I told her I didn't want kids and I should probably leave, which I did. We parted company in a friendly way.

About six months to a year later, I was reading some local health news articles and I saw her name, this time is was hyphenated, though. A few google searches later and I found out she had gotten married. I can only assume (from there) that she got pregnant and had the family she so desired.

It is a good when a man tells the truth about not wanting children or doubts wanting children.

Just my two cents...
__________________
All of my posts are my opinion based on my own experiences. Feel Free to disagree with me, this rodent has thick skin.
Happy Lemming is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th March 2019, 1:36 PM   #24
Established Member
 
Elswyth's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 27,052
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lost1981 View Post
Thank you all for the replies. I will definitely research about egg freezing. In my country you have to be under 38. I'm 37 so I can't waste more time.

37 is definitely doable for egg-freezing. Your odds won't be as high as that of a 30-yo or even 35-yo, however they are not nonexistent.


Please don't be angry with him. IMO, he did nothing wrong. He was always aboveboard about not wanting kids, and even tried to "figure it out" for you. Unfortunately his "figuring out" resulted in him realizing that it would be best for him to leave, but he has not lied to you or misled you. Lots of people of both genders don't want children and there is nothing wrong with that, nor does it say anything about you.
__________________
~Perfection is about accepting that we cannot control everything and letting go of some of our preconceived notions.~ -Spiritofnow-
Elswyth is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th March 2019, 2:05 PM   #25
Established Member
 
preraph's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 24,132
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lost1981 View Post
At some point I probably have to move out, because the apartment is too expensive for one person.

I try not to blame him, but at the same time you hear about men who don't want children with one women, but want them with another. I can't help taking this personal. I'm scared he'll find a younger woman some day and have children with her. I know I shouldn't torture myself with these thoughts, but it's hard not to.
Well, if he does, it would probably be because she "ooopsed" him. And she's still have a nonfather and no one to help with the kids.

You should change apartments and get on with your life asap.
preraph is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th March 2019, 2:30 PM   #26
Established Member
 
Elswyth's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 27,052
Quote:
Originally Posted by preraph View Post
Well, if he does, it would probably be because she "ooopsed" him. And she's still have a nonfather and no one to help with the kids.

This is true. There isn't really much difference between having an uninvolved partner, and being a single mum. The only difference is that in the latter case, you get to choose the donor sperm, and you still have the chance of finding an involved stepfather.
Elswyth is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th March 2019, 2:53 PM   #27
Established Member
 
Mrs._December's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 546
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lost1981 View Post
I try not to blame him, but at the same time you hear about men who don't want children with one women, but want them with another. I can't help taking this personal. I'm scared he'll find a younger woman some day and have children with her. I know I shouldn't torture myself with these thoughts, but it's hard not to.
Yeah, I saw a lot of that when I was doing online dating.

Men who were over 50 years old and newly divorced - with two or three kids all under the age of 6. The ones I talked to (and turned down) were just like your ex boyfriend - they went through life not wanting to have kids and then at the 11th hour, decided to find themselves a younger wife so they could spit out a litter of their progeny. I wanted no part of dealing with child custody schedules and constant cancelled plans at the last minute and angry ex wives and custody battles and kid drama and everything else. Oh HELL no.

If he does end up having kids late in life, it will probably be when he's getting up in his 40's, not so much right now. You won't care by then, you'll already have your own.
Mrs._December is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th March 2019, 3:44 PM   #28
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2019
Posts: 38
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mrs._December View Post

If he does end up having kids late in life, it will probably be when he's getting up in his 40's, not so much right now. You won't care by then, you'll already have your own.
I hope you're right (about the last part).

Today has been a hard day. I feel lonely and I miss him. I hope he's hurting too. It just feels unfair...he got what he wanted (freedom and peace) while I have nothing. He didn't even seem upset when he left. He just looked foreward to live on his own.
Lost1981 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th March 2019, 3:50 PM   #29
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 17,351
Quote:
Originally Posted by preraph View Post
You shouldn't be angry with him. And you shouldn't ever try to get someone who doesn't want kids to have them. That's only thinking of yourself, not the welfare of the child. A father who didn't want the kids to begin with? Bad choice for a father, and you'd have been left with ALL the work and childrearing. I always hear about that biological clock thing, but I never got it. I never wanted kids or had them on my life plan, but I kept hearing that I'd change my mind and kept an open mind, but nope, never felt any of that biological clock stuff. I've always thought that must be more about being surrounded by your old friends and relatives who all have kids and won't stop asking why you don't and feeling left out, but I was lucky no one in my inner circle ever tried to make me feel like a failure for not having them, because they know me too well.
Same here preraph, never wanted them and no regrets to this day. Some women really want children and those who did but don't have them always feel somewhat empty without them and full of regret. So if you really want children remember you can get another man but there's a short window for a child. Go towards your goal.
stillafool is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 17th March 2019, 3:56 PM   #30
Established Member
 
preraph's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 24,132
There's a lot more men out there who want kids than don't, so it's really just up to you to know when to walk on someone who doesn't. But keep in mind, there are hardly ANY men out there who want to be rushed into it just because your clock is ticking. Chill out and move at the normal pace. Rushing into have a kid with someone you haven't known long enough is just as bad as having them with someone who doesn't want them, almost.
preraph is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Children or no children - that is the question? bwidger Dating 23 2nd January 2010 3:12 PM
Married w/ Children VS no Children ednadean The Other Man / Woman 20 9th June 2009 12:57 AM
If one of your children murdered another of your children... moimeme Parenting 15 7th July 2005 11:25 PM
To have children.....or not to have children....that is the question!! dreaming4ever Family 32 9th November 2004 8:59 AM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 11:22 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2018 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.