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"when it stops being fun"..ughh


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 13th March 2019, 2:41 PM   #1
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"when it stops being fun"..ughh

Background:

I'm 51. He's 26. We met IRL 2 yrs ago, but were really only acquaintances and FB friends. I cyberstalked him and really wanted to spend more time with him, because he is adorable, and I liked his posts. And I fell in love with his writing (he writes plays and movies.)

We had an amazing time on our first date, but the age diff did make me wary (been there, done that, before, all throughout my 40s and it never ended well, tbh).

He told me up front that if we got into a rel'ship it would have an expiration date (but probably not for a few yrs). I thought I could handle that.

Here's the one thing he said tho, that bothered me--"I figure we'll just bail out when it STOPS BEING FUN."

i let it go tho, cuz I liked him and thought he'd come around about that.

We got very serious. Serious to the point of, he was telling his family about me (his dad and brother, they didn't even care about the age gap.) he was reluctant to tell his mom tho. For obv reasons.

Everything was going wonderfully. We had a couple of minor blips--some things he said were hurtful. He apologized as soon as I made them known. I thought he was more mature than other much younger guys I had dated.

We had the most wonderful time ever, then the next day he went out of town. Stayed w his parents. That next night, he was in a bad mood. I tried to be supportive and help him talk it out.

After that, things got weird. He got very weird and cold with me.

I was the one who had to push for a rel'ship talk, to see what was wrong.

He was very scared to tell me because he was afraid I'd be mad, but he had a list..his complaints about me were kind of ridiculous, and vague..I had "too much negativity and drama around me" (?? I really don't, actually)..when he came to me with problems, I made him feel worse (I guess that's why this all started after the Fri night call).

He could not however give me suggestions of what I could be doing better.

I told him maybe we needed space..he could take time away to try and think if it's something I'm doing (cuz he didn't seem sure), to give me constructive suggestions for improvement. We were supposed to talk on Monday.

2 things in that convo gave me pause, tho. HE ONCE AGAIN REITERATED THE "when it stops being fun" comment. He also said something about if we broke up, he'd feel lost without me in his life and hoped we could be friends.

I was very unsettled the next day. Talked to a male friend of mine. His theory was my bf wanted to break up with me but was too scared to do it, so he was hoping he could push me to break up with him.

I then asked my bf if that was what was up..he said no. I expressed my frustration that, the "drama and negativity" comment really threw me for a loop. I was honestly ready to end it right there, tbh, because I felt like my friend was right. Instead, I gave him the space to think about things.

I was feeling anxious. I IM'd him on Sunday asking when would we be talking the next day? He blew off all my IM msgs.

I even expressed frustration that i felt like he was ignoring me. Crickets.

Sent a text the next morning: "Why didn't you reply to my IMs?"

Nothing.

It really wasn't like him to blow me off like this.

After a few hours of hearing nothing, I msg'd him: I'm done. You can come and get your stuff that's here, or I can mail it.

Of course, he seemed shocked..said he was sad..at a loss.. "I was waiting til I got on the train back home to respond" (really? so weird)

But he didn't really fight for me...just said it was "sad."

I'm upset. I haven't cried this much in a long time. But I know this is for the best.

He wants to talk, and I'm willing to talk one more time, but..I'm not gonna get caught up in this trainwreck of "I know what I want"--get back together. "Oops I don't know what I want"..break up. Been there, done that.

I feel like he needs to go out there, have more experiences, figure out what he wants, and grow up.

I guess I just want validation that, it was degrading for him to say "I'm gonna bail when it stops being fun." I am not here for anyone's entertainment, and that sure is a lot of pressure to put on anyone

The weirdest part of all this is, after our phone convo where he said "when it stops being fun"..THAT'S when he decided to tell his mom about me..

talk about mixed messages

Last edited by sandrawg; 13th March 2019 at 2:43 PM..
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Old 13th March 2019, 4:27 PM   #2
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Not entertainment per se, but - he's in a very different phase of life than you. The being fun may be what dating and relationships are all about to him at this point in his life. One has to expect that sort of thing with a big age gap to a certain extent, no?

You may not like hearing this, but it's possible you jumped the gun with the breakup text. Texting can be tough - if one is feeling like the issue is very important a delay can feel almost hurtful. Meanwhile the other person simply hasn't looked at their phone all day - battery was out, too distracted, whatever the reason. Or they want to give the answer in person. You never know what's happening on the other end.

Ultimately though, it does sound like this was drawing to a critical juncture where it either needed to end or get serious. Seems like ending what was in the cards, so you ultimately ended up avoiding prolonging the inevitable.

Maybe it was just time for it to end. Hopefully the next time around it can be more lasting. It's your life, but consider if a lower age gap could help with the longevity.
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Old 13th March 2019, 5:58 PM   #3
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Originally Posted by mark clemson View Post
Not entertainment per se, but - he's in a very different phase of life than you. The being fun may be what dating and relationships are all about to him at this point in his life. One has to expect that sort of thing with a big age gap to a certain extent, no?

You may not like hearing this, but it's possible you jumped the gun with the breakup text. Texting can be tough - if one is feeling like the issue is very important a delay can feel almost hurtful. Meanwhile the other person simply hasn't looked at their phone all day - battery was out, too distracted, whatever the reason. Or they want to give the answer in person. You never know what's happening on the other end.

Ultimately though, it does sound like this was drawing to a critical juncture where it either needed to end or get serious. Seems like ending what was in the cards, so you ultimately ended up avoiding prolonging the inevitable.

Maybe it was just time for it to end. Hopefully the next time around it can be more lasting. It's your life, but consider if a lower age gap could help with the longevity.
Yeah..I've dated guys closer to my own age, and that hasn't gone well either. They've actually been more likely to keep having sex with me without it going any further..til it gets to the point where I have to call them out. That happened w the last 2 guys I dated who were close to my age.

In any case..yeah, I dunno why he ignored my messages. You know how you can see on FB if someone has read your messages? He totally read them.

He told me he didn't reply cuz he was "busy", and thought it was "no big deal."

That's just not like him.

I feel like he wanted me to break up with him, just like my friend said.

Welp..he got what he want, if that is indeed the case.

Thanks for the feedback!
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Old 14th March 2019, 12:35 AM   #4
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Last phone call.

I had my last phone call with him.

I am so devastated. I can barely breathe. I lost it on the phone with him.

I'm the one who broke up with him, and I know it was the right thing to do..but then of course, when you have the man you are crazy in love with on the phone, your heart just wants what it wants, and it wants to ignore your head.

I mean, I knew it was the right thing to do, even during the phone call, cuz of his perspective about how everything went south.

He said he had been mad at me, last Friday, and I honestly don't even know what for..he said the past week was him trying to work things out, but honestly it was a trainwreck of mixed messages and me feeling distance from him. (you can see my post under "when it stops being fun" uughh...he couldn't even explain that comment, really..)

He feels like he was really trying, cuz he told his whole family about me, and I had asked for that. But...I just couldn't see myself moving fwd with the communication problems and lack of maturity.

I know he has some growing up to do.

But OH MY GOD THIS HURTS.
It hurts so bad.

He wanted me to check in with him..I think he wants to be friends because he doesn't want to lose touch with me , but I told him I can't. He said, maybe 2 yrs down the road? Or whenever..

I can't even think about that. Everything just hurts. So much. I can't stop crying
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Old 14th March 2019, 12:40 AM   #5
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I'm so sorry, sandrawg.
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Old 14th March 2019, 12:44 AM   #6
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Thank you.

I'm sitting here making a list of reasons why we can't be together, so I won't be tempted to try to get back together with him.

All the list does, is make me more depressed, tbh.
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Old 14th March 2019, 1:33 AM   #7
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I think that "until it stops being fun" comment was reflective of what he wanted from the relationship and also probably what he sees relationships to be at this stage of his life. From your other thread, he even told you that if he gets into a relationship with you, there will be an expiration date. So at his life stage now, a long term serious relationship is probably not what he's looking for and even if he was, it was not going to be with you ultimately.

As for what he said in that phone call, I think he was just trying to turn this on you to make it seems like it was all your fault and not his to make him feel better that the end of the rs was not because of him.

Seriously, I don't suggest getting back with him unless you know very clearly what you are intending to get out of this rs, otherwise, you will be hurt again when the fun inevitably stops.
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Old 14th March 2019, 8:50 AM   #8
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Sorry but it's not him that needs to grow up , yet.
He's half your age he's where he's suppose to be now, but your not.

The writing was all over the wall from day one but l think he was more aware of that than you were that's why he said it.

Last edited by chillii; 14th March 2019 at 8:54 AM..
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Old 14th March 2019, 9:04 AM   #9
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Sorry but it's not him that needs to grow up , yet.
He's half your age he's where he's suppose to be now, but your not.

The writing was all over the wall from day one but l think he was more aware of that than you were that's why he said it.
How many relationships DON'T have an expiration date?

At some point, the person either leaves, or one of you dies. Face it.

That doesn't mean I wanted to be treated as if I was disposable, and he could leave once it stopped being "fun." We both went into this looking at it as something that could last for years, at least..not 6 months.

You act like that's something I should have just accepted simply because he was half my age.

Or maybe you think people with big age differences shouldn't date?
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Old 14th March 2019, 10:21 AM   #10
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Or maybe you think people with big age differences shouldn't date?
As a general rule, I use 10 years as an appropriate age difference for dating (especially if one party is 50+).
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Old 14th March 2019, 3:01 PM   #11
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As a general rule, I use 10 years as an appropriate age difference for dating (especially if one party is 50+).
I know studies and all that say that is the most ideal age gap, if you're gonna be in a relationship with someone.

But bigger than that CAN work. Mary Tyler Moore was married to a guy 30 yrs younger for 33 yrs. It only ended because she died.

Just saying.

My latest rel'ship..we knew each other IRL for quite a while before dating. By then we didn't care about the age gap.
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Old 14th March 2019, 6:46 PM   #12
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But bigger than that CAN work. Mary Tyler Moore was married to a guy 30 yrs younger for 33 yrs. It only ended because she died.
And sometimes people win the Powerball lottery... vast majority don't.
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Old 14th March 2019, 7:18 PM   #13
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"I figure we'll just bail out when it stops being fun" and the discussion that there would be an expiration date set the framework from the beginning. I give you credit for going into it anyway and for ending it when his behavior signaled the end. I'm so averse to breakups and pain I wouldn't have had the courage. I'm so sorry it hurts. Take care of you.
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Old 14th March 2019, 9:41 PM   #14
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I guess your idea of an "expiration date" and his may not be the same. Honestly, it sounds like his idea of an expiration date particularly when it's stated up front before the relationship even started is that this was just going to be a short term one and it's just supposed to be fun. Not a serious, long term one where you settle down and grow old with. It does seem he already knew what he wanted out of this relationship from the get go.
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Old 14th March 2019, 10:10 PM   #15
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when it stops being fun...so a honeymoon guy...when the relationship gets to be a slog and some elbow grease he would be abandoning ship...sounds like he isnt really sure of what he really wants from a relationship yet........and he is young....and maybe he doesnt want to eventually be a younger guy with an elderly lady....hence expiration date.....he isnt for you and im sorry that you are grieving the end....you were right to end it.....and i know it hurts ....but you would just be wasting time you have with him...


find a guy who is in it for the long haul ...younger or older......a guy who has a realistic expectation of putting in effort..... relationships, any relationship isnt just all about fun....you can have fun all through a relationship but you have to have some grunt in there too with out abandoning ship as soon as it gets real.....or fun turns into regular date night......make sure that they have the same life plan and beliefs when it comes to relationships as you do ...same path same goals....same reality......and i wish you well.....deb
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