canadianheart Posted March 13, 2019 Share Posted March 13, 2019 Yall, I can't believe I'm hurting over this but I am. To keep a story short, I met my ex almost a year ago through mutuals. The man spent months chasing me while I pushed him away. He was too forward, I wasn't feeling it. After a while, he broke me down and eventually I went on dates with him and it took months after that for me to fully commit to being in a relationship with him and even longer to being intimate. He wanted so badly to be part of my life that he would accompany me any time I was with friends. It was honestly stifling. As my walls came down and I became sweeter, he started to change. He'd be on me quite a bit and then when I called him out on it, he'd say I was starting arguments even though I knew this wasn't true. Slowly he went from wanting to see me every second of every day to a few times a week then being kind of a jerk when we were together. After a while, I told him if he was feeling anything other than sweet about me, he needed to let me know. He told me he knew he could not be anyone's partner or make any commitment to anyone and that he felt guilt for hurting me. He basically vanished. He will not return my texts about returning my belongings and knowing I've tried to get a hold of him for this, he has turned on his read receipts so I can see that he has read my messages and hasn't responded. This man spent sooooooo much time building me up and then told me and our mutual friends he has the utmost respect for me and knows I am the one who he would have been all in with if he was able to get past commitment. To say my feelings are hurt is an understatement. He chased. Knew I didn't want to fall for anyone. Pushed. Pushed. Pushed. And then retreated and is now giving me radio silence and being petty in the process. I know partially, I need to look inside and ask myself WTF happened to let this man into my life and how I could be sad about this.... but I cannot wrap my head around any of it let alone being ignored. WHAT. Link to post Share on other sites
sandrawg Posted March 13, 2019 Share Posted March 13, 2019 A lot of times when someone comes on real hot with you, they will break away equally as COLD, as they were hot. I know..it's a weird thing. It leaves you feeling manipulated. I am always always wary of anyone who treats me like the greatest thing since sliced bread, or bends over backwards to pursue me, cuz I usu feel like I'm just a conquest. i'm gonna be discarded once the person gets what they want. Link to post Share on other sites
sandrawg Posted March 13, 2019 Share Posted March 13, 2019 Also I will add, that once you 100 pct pull away from him..that's when he will come back, and the chase will start all over again. You gotta say no. I hope your stuff didn't have anything important. But you can probably get it back when he comes sniffing around again. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted March 13, 2019 Share Posted March 13, 2019 This sounds borderline-y or avoidant attachment style-y to me. Or maybe he gets a kick out of "the chase". Or maybe he wants to play the field, despite what he says to your friends. Or just not that into you after all. Or maybe just plain WTF weird. Although analyzing and speculating can be interesting, the important things IMO are to let him go and move on. It will hurt for a while. Probably longer than you'd like or is convenient. Process the hurt - you have to get through it, but it will fade in time. At some point, it will probably be best to have him out of your life completely. He's sounds much of the way there now. Get your stuff back and then let him finish that process. He's saying he's not ready for commitment and his actions back it up. Let him go, process the pain, and move on to the next phase of your life. Link to post Share on other sites
vinnyfl Posted March 13, 2019 Share Posted March 13, 2019 I had my first fiancé breakup with me after 5 years. I was crushed at the time. However, it turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me. She went on to get pregnant by some guy in a commune. Then she married a guy to support her and her baby. She divorced him as soon as his last college tuition check cleared as she gleefully told me and then married her girlfriend. She became an anti capitalist and thinks angels talk to her and allow her to tell the future. She is also bi polar. At the time I thought my life was over but now it turns out that it was the best thing to ever happen to me. My life would not have been as great as it has been had I married her. So be sad and keep in mind that the next guy may be whom you are really meant for as my wife was for me. I saw her on a train and 3 weeks later we were engaged and now married 47 years. You never know how heartbreak can be the best thing in your life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author canadianheart Posted March 13, 2019 Author Share Posted March 13, 2019 This sounds borderline-y or avoidant attachment style-y to me. Or maybe he gets a kick out of "the chase". Or maybe he wants to play the field, despite what he says to your friends. Or just not that into you after all. Thanks so much Mark, I know you're correct. He has had two girlfriends that were both long distance in several years, both relationships ended when the person wanted to remove the distance. Additionally he is known in our small town for being super hot for a couple of days and then running away right after. I guess I thought that after the months he put in he was sure of what he wanted. His sister is one of our mutual people and has said everyone was worried he wouldn't be able to go forward with me. The way she put it was "its like a door he just can't go through and he will likely always be alone" Personally, I'm a far bigger fan in this case of nicely returning things so we can remain on decent terms. BUT to be fully ignored is so hurtful. Link to post Share on other sites
Author canadianheart Posted March 13, 2019 Author Share Posted March 13, 2019 Also I will add, that once you 100 pct pull away from him..that's when he will come back, and the chase will start all over again. You gotta say no. I hope your stuff didn't have anything important. But you can probably get it back when he comes sniffing around again. Luckily I didn't beg etc for his to return....so lucky for me this means he will likely slingshot back. Siggggggh Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 13, 2019 Share Posted March 13, 2019 He's just one of those people who just likes the chase and chases people who usually won't reciprocate, and then he can't handle a mutual relationship, I think. Maybe he is one of those who won't join any club that would have him. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 13, 2019 Share Posted March 13, 2019 Yeah I agree with preraph. He likes the chase, the capture and the honeymoon stage of a relationship. Once reality hits, the first argument and he's looking for the door. You should go NC, hope he never contacts you again and just write off your stuff. Why would you need to end on good terms with a man who was so willing to move on from you and not even answer your messages? Just move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author canadianheart Posted March 18, 2019 Author Share Posted March 18, 2019 Hey Guys, Probably all part of the process of grieving the end of the relationship but I'm feeling much better. In this process my ex has done some extremely questionable and shady things including reaching out to a male friend he was uncomfortable with and driving by my home several times. Glad those locks are changed, I've deleted his number. Won't be getting my things back, but will be getting my piece of mind back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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