Breakup after 3.5 years, still a chance?

[truf]

Hi everyone,

 

I just found this forum and after reading some threads decided to post my own story. Due to it being longer than expected, I also added a TLDR.

 

TLDR:

-Breakup after 3.5 years (2 years living together)

-Breakup due to losing physical attraction (or the "spark").

-Breakup due to her messaging other guy behind my back, interested in dating (and me blocking him secretly).

-Our relationship has always been deep on an emotional level, and much physical intimacy (hugging, kissing, touching).

-During breakup I acted weak.

-During her moving out I regained strenght and she thought it was special.

-I've stayed in contact, but never directly showed weakness/sadness.

-When she was picking things up, we had a good connection but she mentions the friends thing.

-Starting NC today, but will contact her after a few hours/day.

 

 

My ex and I split up 6 days ago. We've been together for 3.5 years and lived together for 2 years. I would describe the relationship as something deep, a strong emotional connection to each other. However, the last 1.5 years the physical attraction faded away. I think that has to do with my insecurities, as I was rather curious about her past relationships and her meeting up with guys (as friends). I never was too controlling, but controlling enough that it became frustrating to her.

 

She broke up with me 6 days ago. I didn't handle it very well. I was emotional (I cried), but in the end I accepted it. I didn't plead or beg, but was just full of sorrow. I couldn't really believe she would leave me as she even said the week before she loved me very much and wouldn't be interested in dating other guys and starting a new relationship. The context was that we (she) went on Tinder and we would look at their profiles. However, 1 guy got her attention and they started texting and e-mailing. We talked about that, I wasn't really okay with it. However, if she would just let him know she had a boyfriend I would be okay with it (yes, needy I know...). A few days pass and as I had to use her computer I saw they emailed back and forth. She never told me about this and never told the guy she was in a relationship already. This made me mad and I blocked him, without telling her. She found out a few days later and was furious, but also understanding. She asked for forgiveness and I asked if she could forgive me (we both did). In the evening, she broke up with me.

 

However, the lies weren't the reason for the breakup. She told me she had decided to breakup the day before. This was due to her "not feeling it any longer", we were just friends. I believe this is just a narrative she forged for herself. Yes, our sexual attraction was low but our emotional and physical (hugging, touching etc.) has always been very high.

 

The next day she moved out (this was planned for a month due to her needing a quiet place). I was still rather emotional in the morning and she told me not to have hope. I helped her move out during the day and we both felt a very special connection. I was feeling strong and confident in the afternoon and the evening. We has a last meal together and she finally cried. I left and she wanted me to contact her when I got home. We had some fun and light texting and she went to bed.

 

The next day I called her (we planned that the day before) and I was confident and fun. She told me once again how special it was that I behaved like this. She told me she misses me and I told her calmly that I missed her as well. I told her that the breakup is chance for a new relationship, whether it friendly or something else we would have to see. Then we had 2 days of no contact and I phoned her to arrange her to pick up a few things. This was a short conversation and I was a bit anxious.

 

The next day she came over and we talked a bit. Once again she told me how special I behaved, by being strong and energetic. However, she also told me she thought I didn't know the relationship was over. I told her I did know, but that it paves the way for a deeper relationship in the future. She asked me: "As friends?", upon which I responded that I don't know. Maybe as friend, however I'm focused on the connection between the two of us. All the while, I couldn't help myself from touching her lightly (her hands, her knee etc.) and looking deep into her eyes. Although she didn't touch me back, she didn't say I couldn't (and she would if she really thought it wasn't okay). She also maintained eye contact, longer than would be comfortable with friends or strangers (also, her pupils dilated). We also talked a little bit about the breakup. I told her I understood and that I behaved stupidly. The breakup was something that made me realise how I shouldn't behave and that I understand it was frustrating for her. She thought it was special that I made such a 180 degrees switch after the breakup. She left and messaged me about some random thing, upon which I (stupidly) replied immediatly.

 

That brings us to today. I have decided I'm going into NC. She'll be coming over next week to pick up some more things, but I won't contact her. I have the strategy to really try and change some core values of me. Those are my self-confidence and emotional strength. I let those shimmer through in our conversations. However, due to me having been in contact I don't think it really gets to her. So, the ball is in her court now (which I find very, very difficult. I keep thinking about her). There is also the issue about the other guy, which I won't ask about nor will I ever acknowledge.

 

This is my last resort to get her back. I'm willing and starting to transform myself, not just for her but also for myself. Although I'm really wondering if I could light that sexual fire again. I think that is the only thing that was missing. And that sexual attraction was mainly linked to my insecurities and emotional dependency on the breakup.

 

 

So, my questions are:

 

How should I proceed?: No contact at all until she reaches out to me?

 

Accept friendship?: I plan to stay in touch when she reaches out and I'll keep on flirting.

 

Is there a chance at all?

 

Thanks so much for reading and if you have any comments, I'd gladly hear them.

[Mrin]

Answers....

 

How should I proceed?: No contact at all until she reaches out to me?

Right. No contact. Period. And when she reaches out to you respond cordially but only in a friend manner. Do not get all warm and fuzzy unless she does first.

 

Accept friendship?: I plan to stay in touch when she reaches out and I'll keep on flirting.

That's up to you. Friendship will be a very hard road my friend. Imagine not loosing your mind when she starts dating and appearing on social media with other guy but still wants to call you up and chat.

 

Don't flirt with her when she reaches out. Let her start it. Not you. Otherwise you're just her ego stroke.

 

Is there a chance at all?

Realistically? No. Maybe a 1% chance. She might look you up for some ego stroking or perhaps some sex but I honestly don't see a relationship continuing here.

 

Best thing you can do is go NC and work on yourself.

[ExpatInItaly]

However, the lies weren't the reason for the breakup. She told me she had decided to breakup the day before. This was due to her "not feeling it any longer", we were just friends. I believe this is just a narrative she forged for herself. Yes, our sexual attraction was low but our emotional and physical (hugging, touching etc.) has always been very high.

 

Unfortunately, this was not a narrative she forged. This was the plain truth. The lack of sexual attraction is a reflection of her deeper feelings for you, which aren't romantic anymore. Touching and hugging are affectionate, but generally not all that sexual. I know it is hard to hear, but if she wasn't having sex with you, it is indeed because she no longer wanted to. She wasn't lying when she said she sees you more as a friend than anything else. I've been in her shoes and it's not easy to admit to someone you care about that you don't want to be their intimate partner anymore.

 

Yes, you would be wise to go No Contact now. It is not going to be fun to watch her go on dates and meet up with different guys now that she is single. Maybe, someday, you could be friends again but it won't be until you reach a point of relative indifference about her love life.

 

I think that, sadly, the warning signs of an impending break-up have been sounding for a little while now but perhaps you've been in denial. You say she had already planned to move out for a month now, and conveniently the night before she does, she officially ends the relationship. I don't think this was just about her wanting a quiet place - what for? Are you particularly loud? She has been planning to end this at least since she found her new place, my friend. She didn't tell you exactly why, but it seems quite clear now. Given that, I think the chances of reconciliation are low. She has been wanting out longer than she actually let on.

[truf]

Thanks for the replies! I broke the NC rule though, but it might not be that problematic.

 

I'm starting to feel good. She left a breadcrumb last night and I decided to ignore it. However, this morning she called me 3 times and was wondering why I wasn't answering her. She was worried about me. I laughed it off and told her there is no reason to worry about me, I'm doing great. Learning about myself, picking up lost hobbies etc. She seemed rather confused and a little bit sad. I actually felt rather powerful in the situation. Making her laugh and shrugging off her attempts to make me feel guilty (why didn't you answer?). The conversation felt good and I realize I'm in control of myself and therefore can influence the situation. We ended the phone conversation with me telling her I'll hear from her again, with her eagerly responding "yes, yes of course".

 

I really think in this situation Limited Contact is better than No Contact at all. I don't need to take time off to sort out my feelings. I'm in control of my feelings and actions, and it's up to her what she wants to do with it. Our breakup was rather amicable and she lost a wonderful companion. I'm starting to feel like a better version of the guy I was before our relationship started. I have learned from the situation and I'm becoming stronger due to it.

 

I'm not sure if all this is the best course of action, but I feel rather strong and good about myself. She doesn't want me? Sucks, but her loss. She wants me back? Whatever, you made a mistake.

 

All of this is subject to change of course, but I feel in control and rather at peace and what more could I want?

[elaine567]

You feel good and powerful as she is still contacting you and you think she really wants you back. SHE broke up with you, it is unlikely she wants you back

 

Once she stops the "in contact" stuff and she truly has moved on, then it will hit you that she really is gone.

No contact is less hurtful in the long run than this "friendship" type stuff.

Dumpers tend to do rather well on remaining friends, dumpees tend to just get very hurt.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm not sure if all this is the best course of action, but I feel rather strong and good about myself. She doesn't want me? Sucks, but her loss. She wants me back? Whatever, you made a mistake.

 

All of this is subject to change of course, but I feel in control and rather at peace and what more could I want?

 

A reliable way to cope once she stops reaching out and you feel the pain crash back into you full-force.

 

We see this a lot here, and I would say most of us have been there at some point too: the dumpee feels a rush of self-control and confidence after a break-up, largely because any contact from the ex gives them hope that maybe things will come back together. On of the high of that hope, they genuinely do feel they can shrug off their ex and try to tell themselves they're quite okay now.

 

But that tends to change quickly when days of silence pass with no further word from the ex.

 

I would brace yourself for that possibility, and start developing ways to manage the highs and lows ahead as you become used to life without her.

[Marc878]

Don't make the mistake of projecting. I still love her so she must love me too.

 

She dumped you. Her actions and words have told you where she's at. Don't make the mistake of not believing her.

 

Being friends? Why? Do you really want to see her dating other guys? Make no mistake that's what shes going to do.

 

Trying to hang on and living on hopium won't get you a thing except a longer stay in limbo.

 

No contact is your only good path. Trying to be friends, hanging on is a weak path.

[Normm]

Dude this new found energy and independence that you feel? The belief that if you play it cool she'll come back sooner or later, that this approach is "working"? That spark, that light, that glimmer of hope you see in the distance is actually the high beam of a freight train with the word REALITY painted across it's front grill and it's headed right at you. Brace yourself.

[truf]

Yes, you're all right.

She has been stringing me along the past few weeks and I feel like she went into a rebound (just 2 weeks after breakup). I can't be 100% sure though and I'll be damned if I ask her directly.

I told her I don't want to be friends and she keeps contacting me once in a while with random messages; Hey, have you seen the Michael Jackson documentary?; Hey, we need to talk about the relationship (and then mentions what I did wrong); You are so special, spiritual, deep etc..; I thought we would be together forever.

Screw this, not sure how people can act this way after years of deep connection.

 

This, coupled with the fact that she has been orbiting guys during our relationship it's best to just close this chapter. I have to see her how she is, a loving, caring girl who unfortunately cannot be trusted long-term and doesn't communicate her issues.

She has been in 10 relationships before the age of 23 (when I met her) with the longest one lasting just over a year and that should have been the first big red flag. The second big red flag being her keeping guys in her orbit.

 

Time to focus on myself and find someone better in the future. This doesn't mean it's not difficult as I keep thinking about her the majority of the day. But focusing on her bad traits seems to lessen the sadness.

Edited April 7, 2019 by truf
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[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, you need to stop letting her contact you for a good, long while.

 

Continued communication from her is only going to give you continued false hope. If she was the type to seek out attention from other guys while she was with you, then I hate to break it to you that you have now become one of those guys, too.

 

Cut her off and let yourself really heal.

[truf]

Alright, so after 3 days of no contact she suddenly sent me a message on WhatsApp. It's a picture of a drawing she did of me. She's done this in the beginning of the relationship as well, and that was to "win me over".

 

Let's look at this from 2 perspectives;

Hopium: She might miss me, tries to indirectly tell me she still likes me.

 

Non-hopium: It's either platonic or keeping me hooked.

 

I don't want to ignore her as I'm trying to implement the advice of Craig Kenneth. Focusing on personal growth and interpersonal understanding. He teaches the no reaching out method. In any way, it's all in her court now. She has to earn my respect. But damn it, it's still quite difficult to act rather indifferent/slightly positive and not reach out or keep the conversation going.

Edited April 8, 2019 by truf
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