Dated my Best Friend of 5 years, now we have broken up

[Bjong123]

So I was best friends with this girl I’ve known for 5 years. She’s a family Friend and my family absolutely loves her and she loves my family too. She’s the sort of girl that matured Super early in her life due to not having her dad around and she was the Father of the family, taking care of her siblings and mom. I’ll call her G in this story.

 

So some history on my past relationship, I was in a very toxic 2.5 year relationship with someone that she knew I loved a lot. As my Best Friend, she was always there for me through every rough patch and she knew I was a good guy, which I really was. And she always told me I was her ideal type. In my heart I always knew she was my ideal type too because I like independent girls like her. We did not fall in love until October 2018 when my grandpa passed away and my ex gf broke up with me during the funeral, but she was there for me and we sparked a connection but obviously I still loved my ex so I did not cross the line. Long story short, I find out my ex has been cheating on me since October and we officially ended things on Christmas Eve, which was the day I caught her outside with someone else.

 

So me and G were always close and friends and we loved each other as friends a lot. After the breakup, we spent almost Everyday together hanging out and we fell even more in love with each other and decided to try things out even though we knew I just broke up. I know, it seems fast, but G totally made me forget the sadness I had from my ex cheating on me, call it a rebound but we genuinely were so happy that I forgot all the sadness associated with being cheated on.

 

So throughout January to February 2019, we celebrated her birthday, we had a few misunderstandings along the way which made me want to leave her and stay as friends because she started to show her princess attitude and stuffs like that, but she still chased me back and pulled us back together. Everything was going fine, we spoke till 5am every night, we felt so in love, we had the best sex and loved every minute of being with each other.

 

She told me she fell for me because she knew I was goal oriented, I cared for her a lot and gave her a lot of security.

 

Then February hit, and she realises how much she was lagging behind on her studies due to being so crazy with me. Her exams are in April next month. And her grades slipped because of me and she was feeling so anxious. Keep in mind, her mother expects a lot from her to do well and she pressurises herself a lot to do well so that she can take care of her family in future, like I said, she’s a woman with goals and knows what kind of future she wants. On Feb 10, she started to focus on her studies more and we didn’t meet as much. She told me she wanted to remain friends first so that in the Long run we could be together, she said she wanted to marry me and no guy had ever given her the security that I gave her. I told her I understood what she meant but I begged her not to leave and she said she wasn’t leaving, just putting our feelings on hold first. Even though I understood what she meant, I went into panic mode and started behaving crazily. I didn’t want to lose her. Even when she was so stressed up with her studies, I constantly texted her things to convince her to stay and told her we could balance things and work things out. This happened for 2 days, and on 12 Feb onwards she became really really cold to me, I Guess because she knew she had more important stuff to focus on. I knew I shouldn’t have been so crazy and she told me she couldn’t focus but I just couldn’t bring myself not to talk to her or see her because we met Everyday. I was suffering from so much separation anxiety and I texted her Everyday how much I missed her, and how much I want to see her, and all the lovey dovey stuff u can imagine. On Valentine’s Day i went to her school to pick her up and I even gave her flowers, made a box of cards for her and gave her chocolates to ease her stress from school. This behaviour of mine carried on until Feb 28, where I decided that it was only right to stay friends for now because I know she still had hope in me. By then, she was already so tired of me pestering her and I have already pushed her so far away from me. She started harping on negative things like the way we fought in the past and how I threatened to leave her and she said she doesn’t want a guy that leaves so easily. Which I admit, was my fault to gain her attention. The more she harped on the negative stuffs, the more it pushed her away. We started to meet less and less, maybe 2 times a week, and now once a week.

 

My family owns a restaurant that we both used to work at and have many memories together, and throughout this whole time I was childish and got drunk often at my own restaurant and always told Her how sad I was and do stuff like took a picture of our favourite red wine that we used to love drinking together. I was so sad and always drunk that she said I was so childish that I had to make my parents worry about my this way, because she loves my parents so much and she said I was immature and didn’t know how to think better for them. Which yes, looking back I admit I was so childish and she was the wiser person.

 

Last Sunday, I screwed up. We were both drinking at seperate bars and we were drunk and I drunk texted her how much I wanted her back. As usual, she didn’t reciprocate and ended up scolding me and was still harping on our bad moments when we were together, and she said I was weak and she doesnt love me anymore because she doesn’t know who I am. I know I’ve become someone that wasn’t the person she fell in love with. She said she doesn’t love a weak guy. We ended up fighting over the phone and I told her nasty things like how I shouldn’t have put in so much effort for her, and I know it really hurt her. She blocked me on Telegram after that.

 

That night, I couldn’t sleep. I decided to text her on WhatsApp saying I was sorry and that I realise it was my mistake that I’ve hurt her so much in the past and on that night. I told her that I realised how understanding she was towards me, that even after she wanted to be friends first, she still cared about me to text me and cater to my needs throughout the whole period of February but I kept persisting and pushing her further away without realising. G called me on Monday after my mum called her to ask her what’s going on, and she was really angry and said she was sick of caring for my needs and that she hates that’s I’m such a needy person, and she said that we just don’t match emotionally because I’m needy and she’s independent. She called me and was really cold and angry and told me to leave her alone and that she doesn’t love me anymore, and that she felt I was a really nasty person after that night and she said we couldn’t be friends anymore. I apologised so much but yesterday she said “thanks for the memories and the smiles, we can still be friends”. She’s currently studying for her finals, and we aren’t texting anymore, but I’ve sent her a lot of texts saying how much I want to keep the friendship because I really treat her like family and I love her a lot. And I know I have to regain her trust as a Friend again first so that’s I can win her heart back. I know I shouldn’t be texting her so much because it’s pushing her away, and I’ve done it for a month now.

 

I just want to know what I should do now to win her heart back, and I don’t know my chances of ever winning her back. I know I have to grow first because she told me to be more mature, but she also told me that it’s now impossible between us because I’m not her type anymore. I’m stuck between letting go and not giving up because I know she’s been abandoned before by her ex and she told me she’s afraid of being abandoned and that’s why I keep trying to win her back.

 

Please let me know what I should do

[assertives]

You went from someone who was goal-oriented, gave her security and her ideal type of guy to an obsessive, needy, immature and frankly, crazy guy in a matter of a month. You need to back off and give her space. She wanted to focus on her finals and chase her goals, so she asked you to put things on hold, but instead of supporting her, you acted obsessively to distract her even more.

 

From all that you have described in your post, I can see why she realises you are not her type after all. No matter how much she reassured you she wasn't leaving in the beginning, you continued to beg, pester and emotionally guilt tripped her.

 

You cared only about yourself, your feelings and your needs, but did not care about what she needs. Even though you know her mother expects alot from her and she is under alot of pressure to do well to take care of her family, you couldn't even begin to respect, empathize and understand (or rather don't care) how important her exams was to her and her needs to refocus/recalibrate.

 

You really need to give her space and respect her boundaries, if not, you would end up losing her as a friend too.

Edited March 13, 2019 by assertives

[Bjong123]

Have I totally lost all chances of being with her? I am set to pick myself back up again and in fact, she knows I was doing well in the month of Feb when I actually gave her some space and tried to focus on my own stuff. I could tell she gained more confidence in my then. But I screwed up by drinking and fighting with her

[assertives]

From your description of her as an independent, goal-oriented person who knows what kind of future she wants, she was probably already done before that drunk fight and maybe haven't realised it yet. That drunk fight helped her to realise it sooner. The kind of behavior one would tolerate from a friend vs a life partner is very different.

 

You didn't screw up by getting drunk and fighting with her. You screwed up with all your emotional blackmail, tantrums, guilt-tripping, obsessive, and needy shenanigans before that drunk fight. Regardless, I think she put up with you because you and her were friends first. If you were someone she just met, she would probably have checked out sooner.

 

Also, perhaps you should spend sometime to think about this. It seems like you were hanging on to her as a life bouy to cope with the betrayal and end of your previous relationship. If your behavior wasn't always like this, it could be that you were projecting all your pent up regrets, grief, longing and expectations from your last relationship on her. It doesn't seem you are in a good emotional state to be in another relationship.

Edited March 13, 2019 by assertives