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Left wondering why...

Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 12th March 2019, 7:57 AM   #1
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Left wondering why he left... (someone else)

So looking for some impartial advice. I do have a good RL support system but I do wonder if they just agree with me/say I done nothing wrong to make me feel better.

My story - me (F/31) and my ex (M/32) were together just over 7 years and lived together for the past 5. He asked me to marry him at the beginning of December. We were looking at buying a bigger house mid January.

Background to our relationship - we were best friends, very similar interests, I thought same values, we could be silly together. I was always the 'adult' in the relationship though (looking after bills, booking holidays etc) as he was terrible with money. He was more the outgoing one and I was the quieter one but it seemed like we complimented one another. Everyone thought we were so well suited.

Anyways no relationship is perfect and we did have ups and downs. One down being me being diagnosed with having depression at the end of 2017 which I sought help for and have been working since to try and get back to 'the old me'.

We also had a few issues with money which at the end of 2018 were resolved and I felt we were moving into a good place.

I can now see on reflection we both hadn't made much of an effort in the last couple of months although we were still having sex (including on the day we broke up). We were still affectionate but had become lazy in keeping things exciting. I was aware of this and because of the money situation being improved we had 3 things coming up including an overnight stay (which was to celebrate our engagement).

Anyways I have always trusted my partner and due to how often he told me he loved me and the little things he did for me I thought I was his number 1. Whilst i'm not comfortable with PDAs etc I did show affection when it was just me and him and often told him how much I loved him.

He started a new job Aug 18 and he seemed happy (he hated his old job) and I was happy for him and very encouraging. He went for drinks with his colleagues just before Christmas and apart from that he had not socialized with them until he went to a house party with them at the end of January. His last message to me that night was that he loved me and that his phone was going to run out of battery. That seems to be the last time I saw/spoke to the person I once knew.

I was expecting him home that night but he didn't appear till 4.30pm the next day by which point my emotions were all over the place. An argument ensued, which in reality was just me shouting at him and I know I said some hurtful things including what was the point in us getting married if he was going to carry on like this. Long story short after our argument I saw he was messaging a girl from his work (I had his passwords and vice versa) who was at the party and whilst it didn't look like anything had happened the messages did cross a line to me. We had another argument and he said he wasn't sure how we could move past this which completely blindsided me but we both discussed what had happened and to me both sides were keen to move on from this and draw a line under it.

For 2 weeks my gut kept telling me something was up and he was being shifty with his phone which was completely out of character for him. I told him I was feeling paranoid and he comforted me but never said much. I then asked to see his phone which he gave me and could see he had been messaging this girl over the past 2 weeks albeit again looking like nothing had happened but flirty and obviously trying to get her attention.

I confronted him and he told me he didn't think this (our relationship) was what he wanted. I immediately panicked and guess you could say I went into the begging stage. For 2 days he kept telling me he didn't know what he wanted before I asked him outright that must mean he didn't want me and he said that's how he's feeling just now. That was 4 weeks ago. During that time I also wrote him an email about all l the stuff I loved about him which he ignored (maybe a week after breakup).

Since then we've tried to talk as we jointly own a property, finances and have shared contents but the conversation doesn't seem to go anywhere. The last 2 times I got no answers and he appeared to treat me with contempt. The last time I tried to speak to him about the house he seemed more concerned about finding a jacket for a night out (which is one I bought him for his most recent birthday). For the record I haven't been asking for him back, I've maybe just been teary when I saw him but trying to put on a brave face.

I then found out he started seeing that girl about a week after we finished (or at least that's when he started telling people, could've been the next day for all I know), after him telling me he wasn't ready to move on and then flat out denying he was seeing anyone when I asked. Apparently he felt there might have been something between them at that party. He then transferred money to her from our joint account (his money though) as he had lost his bank card. It just felt really cruel, like he was rubbing my face in it.

He has started hanging around with this new group from work and from what I hear from others partying every weekend with them. I believe it to be a generally young crowd although this new girl is the same age as me.

So now I am trying to move on but I can't seem to move past how everything (including him) appeared to change so suddenly and how I have been replaced so quickly. He never told me of any issues he may have had with our relationship so I feel we never got a chance to see if we could work through them if any. He just seems to have walked out the door and not looked back which is the last thing I'd thought he'd ever do. I'm just so hurt and having a hard time adjusting to him not being in my life anymore. He was so loving and now he seems so cold and is only interested in getting his possessions from the house.

Re being engaged he came across as being super excited and I didn't turn into bridezilla - we both jointly discussed when and where and that's as far as we got. I now feel that was sham and why did he even bother asking me although I'm told by his mum he's said that's how he felt at the time. I wonder how he became so fickle.

Its also crushed my self esteem. Whilst I don't think she's particularity attractive (i'm aware this is just a small part of liking someone and he obviously must find her attractive) after initial social media snooping which I've since stopped she does appear to have hobbies etc, things I've stopped doing over the years and now can't help but wondering if I lost myself too much.

Because we shared so much in interest, especially music, day to day is tough.

I keep going back to that argument and wonder if I drove him away or if he just used it as an opportunity to get out. It has definitely been the worse month of my life.

Thanks to anyone who took the time to read this.

Last edited by feelslikeabaddream; 12th March 2019 at 8:59 AM..
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Old 12th March 2019, 9:41 AM   #2
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I think part of it was he got scared. Your relationship wasn't in a good place. He proposed because it was time & this was the next step. He may have thought that ring would magically resolve all the problems. When it didn't & temptation was right there in the form of the co-worker, he got GIGs.
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Old 12th March 2019, 12:49 PM   #3
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I agree with donnivan. He probably felt that it was time to get married because of your ages but later regretted asking you. The truth is that if he wanted to marry you, he would have done it years ago. Living with a guy for 5 years is not a good indicator that he wants to marry you. It really suggests the opposite.

You're both in your early 30s. When you turn 30, you start thinking that it's time to get serious about marriage and kids. His proposal to you made it real, and he didn't want to marry you. I'm sorry. This has happened to a lot of people. When you move on from this, I think you'll find out that you're better off. Staying with someone who isn't 100% in is so damaging to your self-esteem.
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Old 13th March 2019, 8:32 AM   #4
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Thanks for your replies. I guess I never really thought about the length of time we were together without a proposal - all our friends/siblings were in long term relationships before getting engaged/married and I was never desperate to get married, I just thought it was something that would happen in time when we were "older".

I guess I'll never really know but can assume he had mentally left the relationship before telling me.

I just wish he would be more co-operative in trying to sort out our logistics so I can be full NC and properly move on since he has been able to no problem.
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