My gf dumped me, and I'm unsure if it's my fault.

[Citrus1]

I made the mistake of snooping into her public social media I’ve been filled with regret that has been me eating away. As a background, me (33M) and my ex (29F..LDR x 5 months) had an imperfect relationship, but I was committed to make it work within a realistic time frame. Most of the times she got upset over me with miscommunications and our personal differences, but I loved her and believed we could achieve a happy, healthy relationship and start a life together.

 

Anyway, one evening she called me, and told me she was going to be at work very late, and was going order food with her co-workers. We would typically call and speak with each other every night. Just after midnight she got home , we texted goodnight.

 

Things felt odd. I don’t have Instagram, but she does, and has public profile which I occasionally checked up on, including her public stories, on 3rd party websites. There were three photos: one of the downtown area, one of her dinner at a restaurant, with button down men’s shirt across from her, and one of a concert that was held that night. I was crushed.

 

The next morning, I asked a friend of mine (who she has met twice already and had been following her on Instagram among her thousands of followers) to do me a favor and let me know what she posted. I didn’t explain anything to him – I just wanted to create a footprint that he viewed her profile’s story, so I could confront her about it later without looking like a stalker.

 

I called her that evening, and casually asked her about her prior night – she held onto her story about staying at work late, actually told me she went out to a restaurant with co-workers at some point, and went home -- no mention of concert. When I told her something seemed odd and asked if there’s anything she would like to tell me, she said no.

 

So I told her my friend asked me this morning if I were at the concert last night. She looked very nervous. Her initial reaction was to just say how weird it was my friend was following her on IG. She was laughing madly. I’ve never seen her like that. She hung up the phone and I called back. Her explanation was that her friend sent her the video clip and she re-posted it, and asked if I wanted to talk to her co-workers to confirm – I said no of course. I told her I believed her, but it was very bizarre. I didn’t sound convinced. She told me she would call back after seeing with her roommates.

 

When she called back, she told me she was upset in how I approached her with this information instead of being more direct. I asked her, to just clear everything up and just send me a screencap of her friend’s message of sending her the concert video. She got even angrier. She told me she could, but wouldn’t. I asked if she was still coming to visit me the following day, she said no, she doesn’t need this in her life, and I assumed at that point we were broken up.

 

So, I had the breakup conversation with her which was entirely courteous – I told her how I enjoyed the time we were together, I complemented her throughout, and re-stated my good intentions. I told her it was unfortunate it had to end over stupid social media. She kept asking me why I didn’t believe her (and I told her I believed she wasn’t cheating) and she told me I was taking the breakup very lightly. I promised her I was hurt and will miss her. We kept talking, and eventually she got me to breakdown and cry when I told her I had her Christmas tree I was helping to store in my closet , and we were talking about how nice it would be put it up together again this year. I said goodbye, but she told me not to go. We continued on in convo, now more emotional, but she wouldn’t let me say goodbye. Eventually, I asked her again if she wants to come over the next day and she said yes.

 

I never brought the concert incident up again and always tried to be optimistic and look forward. The relationship dragged on, with a few glimmers of hope, for 2 weeks, but eventually she pulled away far enough for me to just withdraw myself. I didn’t contact her for 5 days when she was overseas visiting her family. When I eventually broke no contact, she told me it was unacceptable how i "disappeared", and she broke up with me the next day. She told me some of the reasons she’s ending the relationship was how I handled the concert situation, how she was creeped out my friend was following her (reminder, she met him a couple times and was part of a vacation we planned..i doubt she was more familiar with her average follower), in addition to me not contacting her for 5 days...and of course our fights (silliest fights) and “differences” which she never was able to elaborate on.

 

Was this my fault? Did she lie to me about the concert? How could I handled this better? Was I wrong in how I confronted her about the concert and how I gave her space those 5 days? I never apologized -- should I?

 

 

 

TL;DR: I very likely caught my ex-gf in a lie. She eventually withdrew from relationship. When I backed away/went into NC for 5 days, she got angry, broke up with me, and blamed it on me. Was I wrong? I don’t know how I could done it differently. Is she expecting me to apologize? I want her back more than anything.

[smackie9]

you don't get along, you wonder if she lied, and I have to say I think she is a good manipulator to divert the attention onto you. She made sure you broke down... it's so vindictive and cruel. like who does that? someone who doesn't care. Sorry but when they make you question things and make you go cray cray, that's gaslighting...It is what it is....this isn't the right girl or the right relationship for you.

Edited March 10, 2019 by smackie9

[Kelliousme]

No you didn't do anything wrong. Her profile is "public". So why can't you or your friend view it? Perhaps yeah you should've confronted her about her lies directly, but why did she lie? How come you don't trust her? The relationship just sounds so unpleasant. She pulled back so you withdraw. She could've contacted you throughout those 5 days yet she gets mad that you didn't contact her. Yeah, she's not worth your time.

 

I don't see why it's your fault. Find a better girlfriend who doesn't lie/play games.

[Citrus1]

you don't get along, you wonder if she lied, and I have to say I think she is a good manipulator to divert the attention onto you. She made sure you broke down... it's so vindictive and cruel. like who does that? someone who doesn't care. Sorry but when they make you question things and make you go cray cray, that's gaslighting...It is what it is....this isn't the right girl or the right relationship for you.

 

thank you. I feel horrible for looking at her public social media, but I was definitely suspicious of her staying at work past midnight and I guess i entered the rabbit hole.

 

As a premise, I swear I NEVER previously asked her who she was with or what she was doing. I gave her full trust, so it wasn't like being controlling or untrusting. It was just weird, and I was compelled to look.

 

Could I have approached her better with the probable lie? If she was pulling back at the end, isn't it right by the book to give her the space?

[smackie9]

When you have an honest partner, they will volunteer full detail of what their plans are. She didn't do that....you know if it doesn't feel right then it's not. I know in your heart things didn't feel right. Even if you didn't confront her it wouldn't have saved your relationship. Things were already taking a turn, which led you to this anyways.

[Citrus1]

No you didn't do anything wrong. Her profile is "public". So why can't you or your friend view it? Perhaps yeah you should've confronted her about her lies directly, but why did she lie? How come you don't trust her? The relationship just sounds so unpleasant. She pulled back so you withdraw. She could've contacted you throughout those 5 days yet she gets mad that you didn't contact her. Yeah, she's not worth your time.

 

I don't see why it's your fault. Find a better girlfriend who doesn't lie/play games.

 

I really don't know why she would lie... I ALWAYS encouraged her to have her own life, go out, and even travel with friends. That's why I disheartened to find out she was lying -- I suspected there was something bad she didn't want to tell me. I truly trusted her and gave her my full confidence. That's why I feel bad to go out in her mind as someone untrusting and controlling when I did everything not to be. I made the mistake of snooping on her social media when there was some smoke and found a lie.

 

After I re-established contact, she said it was me withdrawing the week prior to the silence, but objectively, scrolling through my phone, I initiated 75% of the conversations, she called my phone 0 time that week..and the 4 nights we were last together, she gave me "cold bed" treatment.

[Citrus1]

When you have an honest partner, they will volunteer full detail of what their plans are. She didn't do that....you know if it doesn't feel right then it's not. I know in your heart things didn't feel right. Even if you didn't confront her it wouldn't have saved your relationship. Things were already taking a turn, which led you to this anyways.

 

You're right, I was miserable through all the downturns in the relationship throughout. She had total control, and I was at her mercy. If she was mad at me for whatever reason, I was broken.

 

Yet, I still very much miss her and wish I could get her back and just do things differently (if it were in my control). This weekend was rough because I finally had a full weekend off work. I've been doing extra shifts at work to get my mind off this.

 

Thanks for telling me what I should know.

[smackie9]

You're right, I was miserable through all the downturns in the relationship throughout. She had total control, and I was at her mercy. If she was mad at me for whatever reason, I was broken.

 

Yet, I still very much miss her and wish I could get her back and just do things differently (if it were in my control). This weekend was rough because I finally had a full weekend off work. I've been doing extra shifts at work to get my mind off this.

 

Thanks for telling me what I should know.

It would make no difference if you did things differently. Your problem is you blame her behavior on yourself....dude that's unhealthy. This relationship was wrong because of her not you. When time passes, it will all become clear when the emotions have lifted.

[Lobouspo]

You did nothing wrong. If its a public posting on social media it's fair game. Like you said, the issue isn't her going out with friends to a concert, it's the dishonesty. Leave this fish in the sea and go forth. Billions of others on planet earth to focus on

[Citrus1]

It would make no difference if you did things differently. Your problem is you blame her behavior on yourself....dude that's unhealthy. This relationship was wrong because of her not you. When time passes, it will all become clear when the emotions have lifted.

 

I wish the emotions would go away I previously dated her a few years ago, for only a couple months before she broke my heart the first time. In the interim, before she reached back out to me, I never fully got over her, and couldn't replace her in my mind. It's funny how things work out -- just when I was actually getting over her, she started seeking me over a year later. It's like she could sense it from a distance away.

 

BTW, I know LDR are tough, but this had a realistic outcome of her coming to my city for work, and if not, me coming to her. My career gives me near unlimited flexibility (i'm a radiologist and can even work from home).

[smackie9]

You are a glutton for punishment.

[Citrus1]

You did nothing wrong. If its a public posting on social media it's fair game. Like you said, the issue isn't her going out with friends to a concert, it's the dishonesty. Leave this fish in the sea and go forth. Billions of others on planet earth to focus on

 

She was angry my friend was following her on instagram...but she has like 2000 followers and many I doubt she even met in person. She had already met my friend twice in person and we were planning a trip together with him+his wife and another couple.

 

She was upset that he was following her without her knowing, and that he was "spying" on her. He would occasionally joke around with me if he said me on her instagram story or whatever -- never malicious spying. I only asked (tricked) him into her viewing that story, to create a footprint to make me look less like a stalker.

 

I really don't care if she went to a concert...whether it was with female friends or platonic guy friends. I don't think she went with a guy she was romantically interested in anyway, because for all I know she's still single.

 

I really should move on. Nothing good will come out of dwelling on the past. I'm about to leave the time period where she could have changed her mind and come back. I believe it's over for good and she'll never speak to me again (I last messaged her "Merry Christmas" to no reply... it was a mistake on my part, I know)

[Gretchen12]

You are in the wrong relationship when you don't like who you are (have become) in that relationship. Now it's the time to forgive yourself. Her judgement is not abosolute. You two broke up, now you are the only one you should answer to. Yeah if you ask me I'd say she was caught doing something she felt she should not tell you. You shouldn't feel she dumped you because of the social media. Things were already on its way out.

[Simple Logic]

What is sad is she didn’t feel at ease with just telling you she was going out and having fun. Lesson for the future, She is not a pet on your leash.

[Citrus1]

You are in the wrong relationship when you don't like who you are (have become) in that relationship. Now it's the time to forgive yourself. Her judgement is not abosolute. You two broke up, now you are the only one you should answer to. Yeah if you ask me I'd say she was caught doing something she felt she should not tell you. You shouldn't feel she dumped you because of the social media. Things were already on its way out.

 

Occam's razor is usually applicable.

 

I agree -- she was probably caught doing something she knew was wrong and things were definitely difficult and on the edge almost the entirety of the relationship. I just wish I could have another shot and not make the same mistakes (e.g., being too guarded early on in relationship, not snooping her social media, being more relaxed and confident). In her mind though, she's probably convinced I was bad to her and it's over.

[Citrus1]

What is sad is she didn’t feel at ease with just telling you she was going out and having fun. Lesson for the future, She is not a pet on your leash.

 

She had no leash, I swear. I NEVER previously asked her who she was with or what she was doing before this incident, and after it, I still gave her full confidence and was not at all untrusting or controlling. As I mentioned above, I encouraged her to have her "own life" (in those words), travel with friends, have fun, and see friends on her own -- even when she was visiting me in my own city! That's why it's mind boggling to me why she would hide going to that dinner->concert. I feared the simplest explanation was the most likely.

[Citrus1]

As an aside, I cross posted this on reddit/relationships, and I unanimously got ripped for snooping her public social media and not confessing to her how I found out she was lying to me.

[Normm]

When she called back, she told me she was upset in how I approached her with this information instead of being more direct.

 

 

You were clearly afraid of her. A woman wants her guy to be strong and protective. It's instinctive. Weakness is unattractive and you reek of it.

 

 

A guy like me, if found in the same situation would have been like "WTF were you doing going to a club and lying to me about it? You got one chance to lay it out exactly as it happened or I am gone. I might be gone anyway depending on what you have to say but we'll get to that."

[Highndry]

She's a liar and a cheater. And, looking at her public social media account isn't stalking or doing anything wrong. If you took her phone or logged into her computer that would be something totally different.

 

Rather than make up some elaborate lie about how you found out, you should have just told her what you saw on her account. If she got an attitude you say "are you freaking kidding me? I'm your boyfriend, yet I'm not supposed to look at your social media?"

[Citrus1]

You were clearly afraid of her. A woman wants her guy to be strong and protective. It's instinctive. Weakness is unattractive and you reek of it.

 

 

A guy like me, if found in the same situation would have been like "WTF were you doing going to a club and lying to me about it? You got one chance to lay it out exactly as it happened or I am gone. I might be gone anyway depending on what you have to say but we'll get to that."

 

I hear you. When I confronted her, I was not ready to lose her, and I wasn't (and still not) 100% sure she was lying. Her explanation, as ridiculous as it was, isn't impossible. There's other situations where I can prove my ability to be strong and provide protection -- this wasn't the best time, IMO.

[Citrus1]

Rather than make up some elaborate lie about how you found out, you should have just told her what you saw on her account. If she got an attitude you say "are you freaking kidding me? I'm your boyfriend, yet I'm not supposed to look at your social media?"

 

I thought about this. I was ashamed of myself for checking on it -- although it's public. It would have immediately raised the issue if I didn't trust her... and I do trust her, but she was being sketch that night (e.g., preemptively calling me to tell me she wouldn't be available to talk that night ... coming home TOO late past midnight)

 

Do you think she was cheating on me when she went to the concert? She had to be hiding something because I created a very easy-going relationship in which she should have had no issue volunteering her plans to me... early on the relationship was partied on a guy's boat and traveled overseas with female friends -- I never pressed her or anything -- I trusted her!

Edited March 11, 2019 by Citrus1

[Marc878]

I thought about this. I was ashamed of myself for checking on it -- although it's public. It would have immediately raised the issue if I didn't trust her... and I do trust her, but she was being sketch that night (e.g., preemptively calling me to tell me she wouldn't be available to talk that night ... coming home TOO late past midnight)

 

Do you think she was cheating on me when she went to the concert? She had to be hiding something because I created a very easy-going relationship in which she should have had no issue volunteering her plans to me... early on the relationship was partied on a guy's boat and traveled overseas with female friends -- I never pressed her or anything -- I trusted her!

 

From what you've posted she was out on a planned date. She put some effort into hiding it as well. It just didn't happen.

 

I wouldn't waste any more time on this.

 

You weren't snooping as much as questioning your gut feelings. Which turned out to be correct.

 

Snooping for the truth is a good thing. If it is impacting you which it was.

 

Dating is a tryout. She failed. Don't look back on this. You've probably saved yourself a lot of future pain.

[Marc878]

I thought about this. I was ashamed of myself for checking on it -- although it's public. It would have immediately raised the issue if I didn't trust her... and I do trust her, but she was being sketch that night (e.g., preemptively calling me to tell me she wouldn't be available to talk that night ... coming home TOO late past midnight)

 

Do you think she was cheating on me when she went to the concert? She had to be hiding something because I created a very easy-going relationship in which she should have had no issue volunteering her plans to me... early on the relationship was partied on a guy's boat and traveled overseas with female friends -- I never pressed her or anything -- I trusted her!

 

Why? It's never a good idea to trust 100%.

 

Snooping is bad when you have a reason to? Very doormatish behavior.

 

Be glad you found out early

[Citrus1]

Dating is a tryout. She failed. Don't look back on this. You've probably saved yourself a lot of future pain.

 

Thanks.. I thought about this being the silver lining to the cloud. I'm getting older now (33), and I want kids and a family soon. I would have pushed to get engaged within half a year living together (sometime this year, after her work situation sorted out). God forbid she would have abandoned me at a later time, she would have destroyed me in divorce. I would have been the archetypal divorced doctor

[Highndry]

My friend, there is absolutely NO HURRY for you at age 33. You don't have a biological clock ticking, so speeding through a relationship with an end goal rather than carefully proceeding with your eyes wide open and a healthy dose of skepticism is going to end in bitter disappointment. Further, have a good prenup if you have any assets. It's ugly out there.