Everything was great but then...

[Jojojogiallo]

Hello! I (29M) started dating this girl (29F) towards the end of January, and she knocked my socks off. I’ve never met someone so amazing. Everything was great, aside from her having several depressive episodes, and when she told me she was diagnosed with Cyclothymia (mildLy Bipolar) when she was 15 it all made sense. I told her I’m okay with it and that I’m here to support her, I did quite a bit of research myself as to how to better support her.

 

2 weeks ago, she sent me a message saying that it would be best to continue our relationship in a platonic manner due to her having conflicted feelings. She asked if I wanted something more casual, and said she doesn’t think I’d be down for that because I’m so caring and amazing. I asked if something happened in particular that changed her mind, because she was crazy about me prior to this. She even said that she hasn’t thought about dating someone long term in ages until she met me, even planning to go to events together, basically she seemed invested. I told her that I’d be okay with making things casual/slowing things down, and she responded saying that she’s afraid things are moving too fast and It takes time to get to know someone. I told her I couldn’t agree more and that we should meet up to talk, she agreed.

 

The next day she sends me a message apologizing for being a jerk lately and invites me to sleep over at her place. I go over to her place and she tells me that 2 hours prior to me arriving she was crying on the phone with her mom for 30mins because her mom’s boyfriend left her. She also said she’s been having a rough week, and I could tell by her expression she was emotionally exhausted. Before I got to her place I was expecting we’d have sex but from her expression I just wanted to comfort her. We did kiss but that’s it.

 

The next morning I leave her place, and a few hours after I left she sends me this message:

 

“I’m so sorry for having to be this blunt, but last night confirmed my concerns. I don’t think we’re sexually compatible and after the incident that happened during out last sexual encounter I’ve lost that type of attraction to you. I know it’s really harsh to put it in those words but I don’t know how else to say it. I wish it wasn’t the truth because you’d be an amazing partner but I can’t fake those feelings. Thank you for everything. I’m sorry I’m a coward and am doing this by text. I really hope you find someone who makes you happy.”

 

The incident she speaks of happened 3 weeks ago - we were having sex and she asked me to ejaculate on her face at the end. When I was about to orgasm, I tugged on the condom but it was so tight it snapped back, some lube from the condom went on her face we both laughed and I ended up ejaculating on her stomach. She seemed perfectly fine with it, and the rest of the night was normal. She was still flirting with me and even wanted sex a second time.

After seeing this message I honestly panicked and tried calling her a few times to talk, she didn’t pick up and she blocked my number. She blocked me on Instagram as well. We didn’t speak for a week after that, so I sent her a message on Facebook last Monday, she doesn’t have me as a friend on there, she just ignored my message. It’s now been almost 2 weeks since we last spoke.

 

I don’t know if this is relevant, and just to give you an idea of what kind of person she is, I should mention that she’s only been in 4 relationships. All of which the men have cheated on her. The first relationship she had was 7 years and it was emotionally and sometimes physically abusive according to her. When I took her out for Valentine’s Day, she said I’m the first person in her life to take her out on this day.

I eventually found out that she's incredibly kinky, she has toys, costumes, has been in a threesome, obviously way more sexual experience than me, but I was okay with that. We spoke about it and she said she's okay with me being inexperienced, and I told her that I'm down to try anything. She did say that she's only orgasmed twice in her life, and the first time wasn't even from sex. I came to terms with that and didn't let it affect my performance, but I can understand why she's so kinky based on that fact, she's been exploring all these ways to attain an orgasm.

 

I’m honestly incredibly confused by this entire situation, does this have anything to do with her being cyclothymic? Or is it really just the reason she gave me? She just seemed so into me, we were bonding so closely. Any help would be much appreciated, thanks!

[preraph]

Uh, sounds like she has some kinks that she's letting run her love life. That's not healthy-- and it's also not particularly unusual in bipolars, or variations of it.

[d0nnivain]

Between the diagnosis & her poor relationship history she's a wounded bird. She may be too messed up to date. She recognizes that is pushing you out before you can hurt her.

 

She has to figure her own stuff out before she can be a part of a healthy couple. As much as you like her & would like to help, you just can't. Fixing her is not within your power no matter how much you care.

 

If you can back off & tell her you are OK with casual but keep on doing what you have been doing, without talking about "what are we" because those labels are freaking her out, she may stick around but can you handle the word limbo?

[Commongoal123]

Duuuuuude....

 

Dude.

 

From one guy to another who has dated 4 girls in a row in the past few years who were eerily similar to each other, each with either own weird quirks leading back to broad common traits...

 

Stay away.

 

Run away, and stay away.

 

She sounds like she has way more than just cyclothymia/mild bipolar. Honestly, she sounds like she is more like Borderline Personality Disorder.

 

Borderlines are really exciting when you first meet them. The seem amazing, and the sex is ****ing awesome. They often show red flags that guys like you and me would ignore because they're "just so awesome" and we are so willing to accept their shortcomings because "nobody is perfect". This is a wonderful trait for us to have, however it is also their way in to infiltrate our heads and **** us up.

 

In your post it looks like she was sending you mixed messages. It also looks like she is projecting her own **** onto you (i.e., she thinks she isn't good enough for you and probably feels stupid for asking to have her face ejaculated onto, and have the mishap occur the way it did... so she blames it on you passive aggressively).

 

It also looks like she is trying to put the responsibility on you for how things unfolded when you went to her house (and in general). She put the vibe out there for sex, and then engaged in crazy making. She was crying over her mom breaking up with someone, and that ruined the evening with you? Please...

 

Stop chasing her. Immediately. It is booting her ego. And when she sees that you have stopped she will likely contact you eventually. But don't wait for it to happen. Move on.

 

As for having only 4 partners and being cheated on.... let's look at this objectively....

 

She has had a threesome, and she is really kinky.

 

Does "only 4 partners" and the rest of all that fit together rationally?

 

At the age of 29?

 

I'd bet every penny I have that she may have been cheated on, but she sure as hell has also cheated on someone.

 

You're making excuses up for her because she can't get off, and she has likely had way more sexual encounters than she is admitting to.

 

And holy ****... blocking you? Are we teenagers here, or adults?

 

Please take the pain and psychological damage that I have experienced by dating women like this, and get the hell out.

 

It's only been, what, a few weeks since January, and you're already confused and feeling panic?

 

I am here to tell you that it won't get clearer for you and the panic will continue.

 

She's a ground apple.

 

Let her spend time with the maggots, worms, and roaches like she deserves. And save yourself from more emotional pain than you've ever known.

 

Trust your instincts, and trust me. Stay the **** away. Do not contact her anymore, and do not respond if she contacts you no matter how bad you want to stick it in her or get sucked or how sad she is or how bad she needs or wants you.

 

Trust me.

Edited March 9, 2019 by Commongoal123

[Jojojogiallo]

Whew thanks for all the replies! Not sure how to quote multiple people in the same reply, so I’ll just type out my thoughts to the three that have replied.

 

Uh, sounds like she has some kinks that she's letting run her love life. That's not healthy-- and it's also not particularly unusual in bipolars, or variations of it.

 

Yes I actually researched Cyclothymia and people with it can have abnormally high sex drives when they’re riding that high, they also may do drugs to supplement that high. She used to be addicted to coke, but she still does ecstasy occasionally.

The reason she gave me for leaving me shocked me because we connected on so many other levels, but if she lets her kinks run her love life then it makes sense, I guess. I keep trying to find other reasons for dumping me, like something I did wrong, because it’s hard for me to believe.

 

Donnivain, unfortunately I can’t contact her because she’s blocked my number and Instagram. I tried to contact her on Facebook a week ago saying I’ve made peace with her decision, thanked her for her honesty, and would like to be friends, but she never responded. I regret sending that message now, I just care about her and want to talk to her. I’ve only reached out once since she’s ended things with me. She knows that I want to talk to her, she needs to make the effort now.

I told her I’d be okay to take things slow before all this **** happened, I never said I loved her or asked her to be in a relationship with me, so it’s not like I was rushing her. I guess I showed too much affection for her, but she was doing it too.

 

Commongoal123, thanks for the honest and detailed reply! I see all the red flags, trust me, and she’s definitely had more sexual encounters than she’s admitting too. I think I’m so hung up on her because I’ve never connected with someone like this before, I don’t care much about the sex (which was great), we were just similar in a ton of ways. I’ve dated tons of girls and this is the first girl I’ve felt a strong connection with.

 

I’ve got a problem, there are a few musical events happening this month that I know we’re both going to. If I happen to run into her, should I ignore her or say hello?

[Commongoal123]

Commongoal123, thanks for the honest and detailed reply! I see all the red flags, trust me, and she’s definitely had more sexual encounters than she’s admitting too. I think I’m so hung up on her because I’ve never connected with someone like this before, I don’t care much about the sex (which was great), we were just similar in a ton of ways. I’ve dated tons of girls and this is the first girl I’ve felt a strong connection with.

 

I’ve got a problem, there are a few musical events happening this month that I know we’re both going to. If I happen to run into her, should I ignore her or say hello?

 

Another experience I've had dating borderlines is that we "click on so many levels". The worst of them "we clicked on so many levels".

 

If you run into her, ignore her. Be ready for a guilt trip.

[Highndry]

...I asked if something happened in particular that changed her mind, because she was crazy about me prior to this...

I agree with the above poster, this gal's issues probably go far beyond Bipolar. She sounds like she's got BPD at the very least.

 

I know of a BPD woman who devalued and dumped a guy because she didn't like the kind of windows he chose for a house.

 

She's nuts. You dodged a bullet.

Edited March 9, 2019 by Highndry