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Thinking out loud


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 9th March 2019, 12:06 PM   #1
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Thinking out loud

It's been 2.5 months since my ex and I broke up. just a mere month shy of the entire duration of our relationship. I've had relationships in my life before, much longer, but this one, I don't know how it did to me, what it did. For the first month I wrote every day, I cried all the time. i found myself wanting to call his number and go to his house and act in totally irrational ways to find out WHY.

To figure out where the misstep was. If any of you are reading this who have read my previous posts you know it wasn't a good ending. My gut wrenching inside of me about his secrets, to find some secrets, and was left after I confronted him and open up about my current state of depression. When we first started dating, we did talk about depression, he told me his brother struggled with it and I told him I had in the past. Our failing relationship, me living in a new place, alongside having minimal friends in said new place and working on an oncology unit as a new nurse, to say I had stress in my life would be an understatement. When I moved here I met him so fast, I clung to him.

Every moment I wasn't in the hospital, I was with him, or making secure plans that made me feel safe because in my heart, I knew something wasn't right. And I can admit that I lost myself in it. Only for a short time, but I felt so sure that he was IT, that the mere thought of losing him, made me someone Im not. Do I feel I pushed him away? Sometimes. Other times, I am saying **** you for sending nudes of your abs to the 20 year old bartender while I watched your dog for a week. I go back in forth. Between blaming him and blaming myself. Maybe it's safe to say we both had our part in it.

I put blinders on, ignored the fact that I found him dull on the first date, refused to follow him on social media nervous that I would see something I didnt like (which I did), foresaw my meeting of him and my parents as awkward, and hated how I found myself comparing my conversations with him, to the fluidity I had in previous relationships while feeling a definite lack. His sociopathic morning workout routine, and self grooming tendencies. All things, I'd make fun of or critisize if it were a friends boyfriend. But I didn't do that, I molded to him and his life and smiled and laughed at things I didn't find funny and clung to the only thing I felt I had in this place, and in the blink of an eye, he left.

He left 24 hours after I cried to him asking if he wanted our relationship to work and he held my hands and kissed my forehead and said of course and if he ever didn't want something he'd be honest and tell me. He left, well techinically i did, 24 hours later from his house and he stared at me out the window as I cried my way to my car. I simply could not understand how it was over, this magical, thing, this person who i dreamt about loving and who I swore was falling in love with me. And then the cascading thoughts of, was any of that ****ing real? Another thing I battle with, the validity of it all. I never found him to be the type of person who would do anything he didn't want to do.

And where as he didn't want to be together in the end, for reasons that come down to being a ****boy who can't talk about his feelings or hard conversations so they boil up and they flee like a coward, he did, in the begininning, and for most of our time together. I know, that those mornings were real. And whether or not the other side of him won, I don't think I can sum it up to being meaningless. I wonder if he misses me. I haven't contacted him since the night after the breakup when I was still a blubbering mess. I told him I was devestated, heart broken, pissed off, but that I couldn't ever be with someone and make them love me. I wished him the best, in an articulate way with the small amount of pride I had left. And I haven't said a word since.

I have started dating again and slowly I am starting to feel like myself again, but I always wonder what he'd say or do or what I'd say or do if I saw him. If the meaning that I'm feeling while writing this is polar to my life, and I'm just some obsessed ex who can't face the reality that it's really over. Anyways, if anybody has thoughts, please, bring them forward. Opinions, relations, anything.

I appreciate it as this has become a part of my healing journey back to myself.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 9th March 2019 at 5:32 PM.. Reason: paragraphs, please use them
meaghans1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th March 2019, 12:40 PM   #2
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Try not to glamorize the relationship. You were together around 2 months you hardly knew the guy even if you think you did. In the beginning we only see the best of the person, it's all about being caught up in the excitement of being with this new person. He really wasn't as great as you thought he was.
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Old 9th March 2019, 2:49 PM   #3
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sometimes i want him to come back. Other times I want to get over him. Most of the time I'm caught in this cyclical thinking pattern that I can't ever get out of. researching narcissism and discarding and then cheating hints, you know, anything that tries and helps justify. Then I realize in doing this, all I am trying to do it protect my ego when In reality my ego, i guess, needs to heal. But looking for reasons, it just feels like another way of holding on. And i so desperately want to let him go.
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Old 12th March 2019, 4:14 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by meaghans1 View Post
sometimes i want him to come back. Other times I want to get over him. Most of the time I'm caught in this cyclical thinking pattern that I can't ever get out of. researching narcissism and discarding and then cheating hints, you know, anything that tries and helps justify. Then I realize in doing this, all I am trying to do it protect my ego when In reality my ego, i guess, needs to heal. But looking for reasons, it just feels like another way of holding on. And i so desperately want to let him go.
Sums it up, nothing else can beat this explanation, only if you can realize itís actually
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