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Day by Day Account of No Contact


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 7th March 2019, 12:49 PM   #1
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Day by Day Account of No Contact

Hey all,

Brand new to these forums, but have been reading several posts recently to try and help me through my breakup. I particularly helpful thread was from a few years ago where someone (Nuala83 back in 2015) documented their feelings and progress through the no contact period. I found this really helpful, so Iíve decided to do the same for 2019. At this point, I have just failed on my fifth day of no contact (sent a WhatsApp message which has been read and ignored). As the clockís been rewound back to day one, I will give my first update on this tomorrow. But for now, my story is here:

My ex pretty much moved into my house after about three dates Ė well, she just never stopped staying over (before we made it a formal arrangement), fast-forward another four months and we have a dog together. We were so in love it was ridiculous Ė we literally did not spend a day apart for the first 4/5 months. After the year mark, things started to drift a little and I became a bit anxious with other things in life and put my walls up. As Christmas 2018 passed, we ended up in a situation where tensions were so high and arguments began until the point where she left me at the start of January. I then panicked and spent the next two months desperately trying to fix our relationship, but in turn I was basically pushing her away further and making things worse. I was blind to see that she was actually trying to make it work too, but her indecision on asking whether or not she wanted to be with me was usually answered with ĎI donít knowí or ĎI need spaceí or ĎI donít know what I wantí. After two months of this, I pushed her into making a decision five days ago, fully knowing what would happen, but in the hope that it would free me from the constant misery of living in limbo. Obviously I am devastated at the end of this relationship as I truly wanted to marry this girl and had even been to the jewellers back in November to pick out a ring (I still have the card with the model number etc. at home, ouch). I also wish I could have had more patience as it was essentially my doing that led to the breakdown of our relationship, however, after two months of no certainty I felt that I was on a path to nowhere. The sad thing about all of this is that she does still love me and is still in love with me (or so she says), but she feels I am unable to change and that we donít have a healthy relationship.

Our last phone call and texts were a disaster and resulted in me asking her to block me on WhatsApp about 10 times without reply (she didnít). I also asked her to tell me she was completely done and that she never wants to be with me. She told me she was 100% done but wouldnít say the rest, not reading too much in to that, but thatís just what it was.

Initially, I thought no contact may help to bring her back, but now having broken the first initial cycle today by messaging her just to say I hope sheís doing ok and is happier and apologising for asking her about ten times without reply to block me, Iíve come to realise that no contact is purely for yourself and to try and move on. So, for anyone who wants to follow me on this process, stay tunedÖ
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Old 7th March 2019, 1:02 PM   #2
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Ok, so before we hit day one again tomorrow, Iíll just summarise how I felt on the days in my first failed attempt at no contact and also what I consider to be the ĎrulesíÖ

Rules Ė no contact! No checking WhatsApp time online etc, no social media checking. Absolutely zero information about her life.

Day 1) Feeling truly terrible with myself and my life, this breakup is not what I want at all. My only option is to turn to no contact and just hope it brings her back or it helps me get over it. Whist feeling rock-bottom, I have a commitment to something that Iím hoping will help take away the pain. The day goes by fairly quickly and I feel some very slim sense of achievement.

Day 2) I had a dream about her during the night, it left me feeling pretty upset when I woke in the morning as well as feeling pretty remorseful. I refused to check her WhatsApp or any social media, managed to get through ok but felt pretty dismal by the end of the day.

Day 3) Actually feeling like this venture is purposeful, although feeling extremely upset about things Ė I donít feel I have much of a purpose in life at the minute.

Day 4) My worst day. It feels rotten. I have a hospital appointment and Iím devastated to be there and knowing she doesnít know Iím there and isnít there to give a **** about me. I struggle all day. I get home and struggle some more. Iím extremely tired but I get myself to bed and hope for a brighter start on day 5.

Day 5) BROKE NO CONTACT FFS! Today started good Ė I felt genuine optimism about the future and moving forwards Ė something Iíve not felt for nearly two months. It was going great until I read some stuff about no contact and considered that the way that we left our breakup might make no contact just be favourable to her and not for me. I checked her social media, which instantly made me feel rotten and then decided to text my apology and hope sheís doing ok. I instantly felt regret for all of these actions (they were done in a whim after about five minutes of thought). My two WhatsApp messages have been read but I have not had a reply. Iíve archived the chat again so Iím not exposed to seeing anything. Iím doubtful of a reply anytime soon, however, one will have to come eventually as she has a LOAD of belongings still in my house. I feel she will wait until sheís over things before making arrangements to collect them.

As for me, itís back to day one tomorrow. Iíll update you then.
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Old 8th March 2019, 6:21 AM   #3
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Day 1)

Alright, back to day one we go. Inevitably, no reply came to my sent messages yesterday. I checked the Ďonlineí status a few times last night Ė I felt the damage had already been done for yesterday so there was no harm in dragging out the pain for the rest of the day. Iíve woken up feeling somewhat upset and anxious today. I STILL canít comprehend how someone can tell you they still love you and are in love with you yet will do whatever means necessary to cut you out of their lives. I get I broke the trust by not being my best self (nothing extreme happened i.e. physical or mental abuse, infidelity etc. I just stopped becoming the best version of myself), but I suppose if you love someone you will fight to make it work rather than walk away. I donít know.

Anyway, back to the point of the thread Ė day one. Do I want to be doing this? No. Is it my only option now? Yes. Do I think itís going to miraculously bring her back to me? No. All I want is to heal and get stronger to the point where I am able to move on and I can face her collecting her belongings whenever that time may come. I want to be a better me and get back on track with following my life dreams. I have no intention today on checking any social media or WhatsApp etc. I know I will pass today with flying colours Ė weíll see how things pan out over the weekend Ė I find these are the worst times for wondering what sheís up to, whoís she with etc. All negative thoughts that really donít help.

Finally, without looking for some sort of acclamation, if anyone finds these updates please do comment. I plan on doing them regardless of any comments or not for my own progression. If it helps anyone else along the way then thatís a bonus
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Old 8th March 2019, 6:39 AM   #4
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I think it would also be worth remembering why this relationship didn't work when you're struggling to maintain No Contact.

It sounds like it moved at lightning speed and you two didn't take the time to really get to know each other. Essentially, you zoomed right past the courtship phase and into the cohabitation phase. Think about why you allowed that to happen; use this time and space away from her to reflect on your own choices. Consider how you'll modify your approach to dating in the future.

I would also encourage you to think about whether you truly miss her and your former relationship, or if a lot of this refusal to let go is more about a fear of being abandoned. I would imagine it's a combination of both, but considering how fast you two moved in together, it would also lead me to wonder if you (and her) were trying to soothe some deeper anxiety and fear by diving in.

Good luck on your journey through this bumpy phase. It does get better.
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Old 8th March 2019, 7:30 AM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ExpatInItaly View Post
I think it would also be worth remembering why this relationship didn't work when you're struggling to maintain No Contact.

It sounds like it moved at lightning speed and you two didn't take the time to really get to know each other. Essentially, you zoomed right past the courtship phase and into the cohabitation phase. Think about why you allowed that to happen; use this time and space away from her to reflect on your own choices. Consider how you'll modify your approach to dating in the future.

I would also encourage you to think about whether you truly miss her and your former relationship, or if a lot of this refusal to let go is more about a fear of being abandoned. I would imagine it's a combination of both, but considering how fast you two moved in together, it would also lead me to wonder if you (and her) were trying to soothe some deeper anxiety and fear by diving in.

Good luck on your journey through this bumpy phase. It does get better.
I think you've possibly hit the nail on the head with that overview, thank you for feeding it back. There is definitely a large element of abandonment fear as I'd put my all into this relationship and at 33, had my heart set on this being the last new relationship I would have to enter. That said, I do love her more than I've ever loved anyone or anything before and am brimming with remorse with the way things panned out. If I had been patient during the past two months there was a chance we could have rekindled things, instead I became a nuisance demanding decisions as I felt I had been in limbo for too long.

I now need to focus on the no contact to heal and somehow move forwards. She will definitely need to get in touch at some point to gather her belongings - I don't know when that contact will come. Presumably when she feels like she's over everything and is able to face things.

One thing I've learned is we both have issues with self-worth, pride and stubbornness and essentially we have both allowed those factors to become more important to us than our actual love for each other. Maybe in time that will just show it wasn't real love. Who knows.

Thanks for your reply
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Old 8th March 2019, 5:01 PM   #6
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Drastic turn of events tonight. I came home from work and she was there collecting her remaining belongings. We argued. We spoke. We hugged. We kissed. We went our own way. I have suggested cutting off contact for a month and seeing where we are both at then as she initially wanted to cut off contact completely. She has told me that right now she doesn’t see us as an option and that she will not put her life on hold to consider us an option and finally that she doesn’t think it will change.

So, the relationship is dead. No contact has formally been agreed. Back to day one (again). Back to feeling the utter pain and dejection that life can throw at you. I will continue to post updates about no contact, however, I’m completely disheartened and unsure what there is to benefit from it now other than total healing.

Today is the hardest day I’ve encountered and I’m trying to figure out what purpose there is to my life right now. I’m 33 and feel I’ve blown my only chance of happiness. I just hope no contact can help with the healing.

Speak tomorrow (and hopefully more positively).
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Old 9th March 2019, 5:05 PM   #7
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Day 1 (again)

So, after yesterday evening, Iím back to day one again. Feeling hopeless today and not even feeling like doing no contact is a choice any more than it is a reality. Iíll try to commit to daily updates if not for anyone else, then at least myself. Hopefully a more positive outlook tomorrow.
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Old 9th March 2019, 5:11 PM   #8
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I think you're making it harder on yourself by making daily updates.
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