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Have I done a terrible mistake?


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Isthisloveordream

A week ago I broke up with my fiancé and I feel absolutely heartbroken.

I am still very much in love with him, so the decision to break up was very difficult and very painful. I feel so sad and heartbroken since the breakup.

Our backgrounds:

-me-31,divorced, 1 child+psycho ex husband

-him-30, never married, no kids and no baggage from the past

Our relationship:

-duration: total 8 months

-we shared common views on some important things in life (we’re both family oriented people who adore kids)

-his family wholeheartedly accepted me (wonderful people)

-he absolutely accepted and developed a wonderful relationship with my son (that’s when I fell in love with him for the second time)

-problems (from my point of view, he said he saw no problems):

Having frequent fights about my job and me having to go on business trips

Me communicating my boss or any male colleagues outside of work hours

Me having any verbal communication with ex husband, he threatened to break up if I picked up or called ex husbands to arrange matters related to my child (once he walked away from me in a cafe because he thought I picked up a call from ex husband)

At the end of almost every fight he would threaten to break up with me, only to change his mind within a few hours

Him pushing for marriage and kids before I felt ready (engagement is ok, but planning the wedding after 8 months was a bit too much for me)

Him stonewalling whenever he didn’t like something in our relationship

His ambitions and drive don’t match mine (he seems content with a very modest lifestyle), maybe this is due to our significant difference in education (I don’t mind him being less educated, but wanted him to be more motivated and driven)

 

At the moment I am facing the following:

-health problems (stomach/digestion) due to huge amount of stress

-several court cases against my ex husband because of him constantly harassing me for years since our divorce and especially since he learned about my relationship

-my child started having behavioral problems due to his father’s behavior

-I have financial problems (working on a low paying job despite having a degree)

-tension in the relationship with my employer because of my non-availability outside work hours (I did that to avoid fighting with my boyfriend)

-part of my family doesn’t think fiancé and I were a good match and all of my family members think marriage and child in my situation would be equal to suicide (I agree)

 

Having all this in mind, I decided to take control of my life and focus on my health, child and finding a better more stable job before even thinking about dating.

He took it really hard and he said he would adapt and accept a life without marriage and kids if that’s what I want. He was ready to accept everything and anything for me just to stay with him. I didn’t give in though, but I must admit that I feel absolutely heartbroken, devastated and sad. In part, I even feel guilty because all of this happened after the engagement was official. I feel like I disappointed all of his lovely family and brought embarrassment to him and them (we live in such a community that this is viewed as an embarrassment).

 

I feel at loss because this man was really loving and for the most part treated me wonderfully (except for the jealousy part) and he accepted my child. On the other hand I am tormented by thoughts that we are too different for things to work out in the long term. He would be unhappy for me dedicating to my career and I would be under a lot of stress about it.

 

Somehow, in all this grief, I hope life might reunite us at some point in the future when both of us have matured a bit (him) and I have put my life in order.

 

My question for you dear people (I’m sure you as bystanders could see more clearly and objectively) is whether I should forget about him forever or is it healthy and realistic to hope life might reunite us. Do I even deserve to have such hopes in my heart?

I didn’t give him any false hopes or promises but I cried so much when he said that he will go abroad for work and will not share his contact information with me.

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Reading the problems, you've done exactly the right thing by moving on. Your fiance was more than jealous. He was also controlling and lacked the ability to have a disagreement without throwing a tantrum. Honestly, if you continued with him, I think you would have ended up with TWO psycho exes.

 

When dating, make sure to have a list of dealbreakers in place which sit above how nice the person is otherwise. Most of the behaviours you've listed here should be automatic dealbreakers.

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mark clemson

^^^^^^^ agreeing with the above.

 

Way, WAY too controlling. Think you dodged a bullet. Don't look back...

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Wallysbears

You made the right choice. He was controlling and insecure and that’s not at all what you need.

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CautiouslyOptimistic

It is very difficult for someone without kids to date someone with kids. Even the most non-selfish people will find themselves always feeling like a low priority and having to compete with the kids, the ex, etc. He's shown you he's not the type that will handle this well. You have made the right decision. You sound like a great lady. I'm sure if you find someone who also has kids you will have a different dating experience.

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You made the right choice, for all of the reasons listed above.

 

And if I may, eight months is not enough time to get to know a man before becoming engaged, particularly when you have a child. Slow it down, and take your time when introducing your child to a man. It’s not fair to your child to let him become attached to a man who is not a good man and/or not going to stick around...

Edited by BaileyB
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emeraldgreen

I think you did him a big favour. For a single mom with a low paying job, psycho ex-husband, no work boundaries and an opinionated family who compare marrying this guy to suicide, you sure come with a long shopping list of must-haves for your new guy. You're entitled to of course, but you have very different expectations to him and it's better to move on for both of you. It seems like you had fewer negatives to accept than he did.

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I think you did him a big favour. For a single mom with a low paying job, psycho ex-husband, no work boundaries and an opinionated family who compare marrying this guy to suicide, you sure come with a long shopping list of must-haves for your new guy. You're entitled to of course, but you have very different expectations to him and it's better to move on for both of you. It seems like you had fewer negatives to accept than he did.

 

Emerald, give me a low paid single parent any day over someone who's jealous and controlling.

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emeraldgreen
Emerald, give me a low paid single parent any day over someone who's jealous and controlling.

 

I think they're both bad options and need to work on themselves before getting involved again.

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Isthisloveordream
Reading the problems, you've done exactly the right thing by moving on. Your fiance was more than jealous. He was also controlling and lacked the ability to have a disagreement without throwing a tantrum. Honestly, if you continued with him, I think you would have ended up with TWO psycho exes.

 

When dating, make sure to have a list of dealbreakers in place which sit above how nice the person is otherwise. Most of the behaviours you've listed here should be automatic dealbreakers.

 

Thank you for your insight, I was right to think “strangers” might be able to look at my situation more objectively and calmly.

For me, there are still too many emotions involved to be able to accept and follow through with my decision without looking back and questioning it. This is why I needed external support, from people who don’t know us.

 

Thank you basil67 for your honest opinion, it hurts very much, but I know what you’re saying makes a lot of sense. I was so focused on his good sides (him being a benevolent man with lots of love for all children) and was turning a blind eye to his jealousy and controlling behavior.

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Isthisloveordream

Thank you mark clemson and Wallysbear for your opinions. You both wrote similar things and you both focused on the problems in his behavior toward me as his girlfriend.

I don’t have a history of cheating or any kind of similar behavior, so I really think I didn’t deserve to be under constant stress and fear if some male colleague would send me a WhatsApp message (related to work, of course) while I am with my boyfriend.

I don’t think it normal to cut communication to colleagues, family and friends just because you’re in a relationship. That’s on the other hand exactly what he did and he said that in this way he was showing his loyalty to me. He didn’t cut communication to his friends completely but he significantly reduced it, to a bare minimum. I didn’t support such decisions and I always encouraged him to contact his friends and hang out with them regularly.

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Scorpion081

I think you did the right thing here! Sounded like he was too insecure to relax and trust you enough, and those were hints that eventually would not end well, so better now. Feel good about your decision and focus on your self, child, health, and important issues at hand.

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Isthisloveordream
It is very difficult for someone without kids to date someone with kids. Even the most non-selfish people will find themselves always feeling like a low priority and having to compete with the kids, the ex, etc. He's shown you he's not the type that will handle this well. You have made the right decision. You sound like a great lady. I'm sure if you find someone who also has kids you will have a different dating experience.

 

Thank you for your insight, I really appreciate every opinion. You are focusing on my status of a divorced mom here as the core “problem”. From my point of view (and maybe I wasn’t able to analyze the situation in a more long-term sense) the child wasn’t an obstacle to us having a harmonious relationship. I never, not once, noticed he was “jealous” of my kid being my absolute priority. And you know why? He knot it is childish and abnormal to be jealous of a little innocent child and the second reason is that I was dedicating all my free time to this man and nurturing or relationship. He said himself that he never felt neglected.

Though he never felt neglected, he had a lot of insecurities about himself (his weight, his level of education), so he couldn’t help feeling threatened by any (and I mean ANY) male having any connection to me or being near me.

Once I had to go on a business trip of 2 days with a male colleague. He was so distressed by this information even after I told him that this colleague and I don’t get along outside of work and this collaboration is strictly professional and of course needless to say we were going to use separate accommodation. His answer to this was:”what if next time you go with a male colleague you like? I’m sure you’ll be thrilled”

The above situation and countless situations like this over a shot period of 8 months led me toward the decision to break up. The only males he wasn’t jealous of were my dad, brother and my son. Everyone else looked like a threat to him. I really hope he will find the mental strength to work on this issue because if he doesn’t all of his future relationships will be doomed. I think he would be a great dad.

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His answer to this was:”what if next time you go with a male colleague you like? I’m sure you’ll be thrilled”

 

Those absolute deal breakers I mentioned earlier? A statement like this should override all the good and be the death knell for a relationship.

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You are experiencing a break up version of buyer's remorse. It's like when you make a big purchase then second guess yourself. You are wondering if you did the right thing. It does not mean you didn't. It just means change is scary. You might have been in love with your FI but he was not a good match for you. His desire to control you was unhealthy & dangerous. Your own body was screaming at you in the form of digestive problems to get out of this situation so it's a good thing you listened

 

Now you need to sit back & look at the pattern of the men you chose. You describe your EX-H / baby daddy as "psycho." Seriously, this guy isn't much better. So what is it about these unhealthy types do you like so much? You have to figure that out before you embark on relationship # 3

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Isthisloveordream
You made the right choice, for all of the reasons listed above.

 

And if I may, eight months is not enough time to get to know a man before becoming engaged, particularly when you have a child. Slow it down, and take your time when introducing your child to a man. It’s not fair to your child to let him become attached to a man who is not a good man and/or not going to stick around...

 

I couldn’t agree more, 8 months indeed is a short time. I was postponing the introduction as much as I could not wanting to hurt my boyfriend, but it’s my fault I eventually let things move too fast.

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Isthisloveordream
I think you did him a big favour. For a single mom with a low paying job, psycho ex-husband, no work boundaries and an opinionated family who compare marrying this guy to suicide, you sure come with a long shopping list of must-haves for your new guy. You're entitled to of course, but you have very different expectations to him and it's better to move on for both of you. It seems like you had fewer negatives to accept than he did.

 

Well, everyone has the right to have their opinion. I sure have a lot of problems and come with a lot of baggage and partly because of that I made the decision to break up. I didn’t want him to go through what I had to go through...

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Isthisloveordream
I think you did the right thing here! Sounded like he was too insecure to relax and trust you enough, and those were hints that eventually would not end well, so better now. Feel good about your decision and focus on your self, child, health, and important issues at hand.

 

Thanks for your opinion. All of my family members said the exact thing. If so many people say it, however hard it is, I must accept that it is for the best.

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Isthisloveordream
You are experiencing a break up version of buyer's remorse. It's like when you make a big purchase then second guess yourself. You are wondering if you did the right thing. It does not mean you didn't. It just means change is scary. You might have been in love with your FI but he was not a good match for you. His desire to control you was unhealthy & dangerous. Your own body was screaming at you in the form of digestive problems to get out of this situation so it's a good thing you listened

 

Now you need to sit back & look at the pattern of the men you chose. You describe your EX-H / baby daddy as "psycho." Seriously, this guy isn't much better. So what is it about these unhealthy types do you like so much? You have to figure that out before you embark on relationship # 3

 

Well, neither of them showed their bad side early on, it was months into the relationship it started showing. Unfortunately, in the first case I fell pregnant and married, all within a year of meeting each other. Way too quickly for us to get to know each other properly.

In this second relationship I saw lots of red flags and I also saw that things were moving way more quickly than I’m comfortable with. If I screwed up my life once, I should at least be smart enough not to do it twice.

What attracted me to both of them was their willingness to commit and readiness to have a serious relationship.

I was so blinded by that and I let things move way too quickly...my fault and theirs too.

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Hang a list of all his negatives on the fridge. Read it when you need to feel at ease with your decision.

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If I screwed up my life once, I should at least be smart enough not to do it twice.

What attracted me to both of them was their willingness to commit and readiness to have a serious relationship.

I was so blinded by that and I let things move way too quickly...my fault and theirs too.

 

Everybody makes mistakes & the occasional bad choice. It sounds like you know what to look for now & you are more self aware. That should help a lot going forward.

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Commongoal123

Male here. In his 30s.

 

I got halfway through your paragraph about him pushing for marriage before you were ready at 8 months.... and didnt need to read anything further.

 

You dodged a bullet. Big time. And considering your 1st ex husband was psycho, I wouldnt be surprised if this relationship went a similar route. We all tend to repeat patterns with relationships.

 

Don't let your son be a reason why this man stays in your life. He will ultimately be bad for both of you.

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Heartbrokenguy92

Let me offer another perspective.

 

Im kinda like him. We are insecure and controlling as we iffen have this idea of our partners in our head that we want them to be perfect. Thing is, nobody is perfect and unhesltgt obsession is not the answer to that. I stonewalled my ex occassionally when she did things i didnt like, and called her out on her talking to a colleague she had a crush on orevioisly, i even looked at her convos to check on her messages, get angry when she prioritized others over me. On hindsight it was very unhealthy. Though i never got to the extent of rushing a wedding or storming out of cafes and theeatening breakups, i think i would eventually escalate to that stage if i didnt work on it.

 

I agree with your decision to leave him, but maybe when he fixes all this a year or so later and comes back to you, i think you can take him back if he showed that he changes. We arent psycho we just need abit of reassurance and communication. A break up would do us some good to work on our selves. Our main flaw is that we look to others for our happiness and if that came from within, we would be much more comfortable and open in a relationship.

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Isthisloveordream
Male here. In his 30s.

 

I got halfway through your paragraph about him pushing for marriage before you were ready at 8 months.... and didnt need to read anything further.

 

You dodged a bullet. Big time. And considering your 1st ex husband was psycho, I wouldnt be surprised if this relationship went a similar route. We all tend to repeat patterns with relationships.

 

Don't let your son be a reason why this man stays in your life. He will ultimately be bad for both of you.

 

Thank you for your opinion. Many people here pointed out that pushing for marriage at an early stage is a huge red flag.

I knew myself that it was a red flag, but I gave in and accepted his proposal. I gave myself the luxury of making this huge decision for fear of losing him. I certainly shouldn’t have done that.

I think you’re right, the kid shouldn’t be the primary reason to keep a man in my life while otherwise there are big problems and issues.

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Isthisloveordream
Let me offer another perspective.

 

Im kinda like him. We are insecure and controlling as we iffen have this idea of our partners in our head that we want them to be perfect. Thing is, nobody is perfect and unhesltgt obsession is not the answer to that. I stonewalled my ex occassionally when she did things i didnt like, and called her out on her talking to a colleague she had a crush on orevioisly, i even looked at her convos to check on her messages, get angry when she prioritized others over me. On hindsight it was very unhealthy. Though i never got to the extent of rushing a wedding or storming out of cafes and theeatening breakups, i think i would eventually escalate to that stage if i didnt work on it.

 

I agree with your decision to leave him, but maybe when he fixes all this a year or so later and comes back to you, i think you can take him back if he showed that he changes. We arent psycho we just need abit of reassurance and communication. A break up would do us some good to work on our selves. Our main flaw is that we look to others for our happiness and if that came from within, we would be much more comfortable and open in a relationship.

 

I think you gave a pretty good diagnosis of his problem. I can tell that you can relate, from the way you described things. I don’t think he’s a psycho (unlike ex-husband), but he is very very insecure. Before our relationship, he had a long relationship (6 or 7 years) so I don’t really think he’s a psycho or anything like that. If that were the case, his ex would have left him after a short time.

I am sure of one thing though, I am going to go with my decision and will not go back to him. I plan to stay single for as long as needed to sort my life out. It will take over a year for sure. After that, we’ll see if he has done any work on his behavior.

But, knowing him, he’ll probably rather move on than try to change. But as you suggested, he might surprise me positively just as well.

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