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Have I done a terrible mistake?


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 7th March 2019, 3:35 PM   #16
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Originally Posted by BaileyB View Post
You made the right choice, for all of the reasons listed above.

And if I may, eight months is not enough time to get to know a man before becoming engaged, particularly when you have a child. Slow it down, and take your time when introducing your child to a man. Itís not fair to your child to let him become attached to a man who is not a good man and/or not going to stick around...
I couldnít agree more, 8 months indeed is a short time. I was postponing the introduction as much as I could not wanting to hurt my boyfriend, but itís my fault I eventually let things move too fast.
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Old 7th March 2019, 3:39 PM   #17
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Originally Posted by emeraldgreen View Post
I think you did him a big favour. For a single mom with a low paying job, psycho ex-husband, no work boundaries and an opinionated family who compare marrying this guy to suicide, you sure come with a long shopping list of must-haves for your new guy. You're entitled to of course, but you have very different expectations to him and it's better to move on for both of you. It seems like you had fewer negatives to accept than he did.
Well, everyone has the right to have their opinion. I sure have a lot of problems and come with a lot of baggage and partly because of that I made the decision to break up. I didnít want him to go through what I had to go through...
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Old 7th March 2019, 3:53 PM   #18
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Originally Posted by Scorpion081 View Post
I think you did the right thing here! Sounded like he was too insecure to relax and trust you enough, and those were hints that eventually would not end well, so better now. Feel good about your decision and focus on your self, child, health, and important issues at hand.
Thanks for your opinion. All of my family members said the exact thing. If so many people say it, however hard it is, I must accept that it is for the best.
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Old 7th March 2019, 4:05 PM   #19
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Originally Posted by d0nnivain View Post
You are experiencing a break up version of buyer's remorse. It's like when you make a big purchase then second guess yourself. You are wondering if you did the right thing. It does not mean you didn't. It just means change is scary. You might have been in love with your FI but he was not a good match for you. His desire to control you was unhealthy & dangerous. Your own body was screaming at you in the form of digestive problems to get out of this situation so it's a good thing you listened

Now you need to sit back & look at the pattern of the men you chose. You describe your EX-H / baby daddy as "psycho." Seriously, this guy isn't much better. So what is it about these unhealthy types do you like so much? You have to figure that out before you embark on relationship # 3
Well, neither of them showed their bad side early on, it was months into the relationship it started showing. Unfortunately, in the first case I fell pregnant and married, all within a year of meeting each other. Way too quickly for us to get to know each other properly.
In this second relationship I saw lots of red flags and I also saw that things were moving way more quickly than Iím comfortable with. If I screwed up my life once, I should at least be smart enough not to do it twice.
What attracted me to both of them was their willingness to commit and readiness to have a serious relationship.
I was so blinded by that and I let things move way too quickly...my fault and theirs too.
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Old 7th March 2019, 4:09 PM   #20
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Hang a list of all his negatives on the fridge. Read it when you need to feel at ease with your decision.
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Old 7th March 2019, 5:25 PM   #21
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Originally Posted by Isthisloveordream View Post
If I screwed up my life once, I should at least be smart enough not to do it twice.
What attracted me to both of them was their willingness to commit and readiness to have a serious relationship.
I was so blinded by that and I let things move way too quickly...my fault and theirs too.
Everybody makes mistakes & the occasional bad choice. It sounds like you know what to look for now & you are more self aware. That should help a lot going forward.
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Old 9th March 2019, 1:29 PM   #22
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Male here. In his 30s.

I got halfway through your paragraph about him pushing for marriage before you were ready at 8 months.... and didnt need to read anything further.

You dodged a bullet. Big time. And considering your 1st ex husband was psycho, I wouldnt be surprised if this relationship went a similar route. We all tend to repeat patterns with relationships.

Don't let your son be a reason why this man stays in your life. He will ultimately be bad for both of you.
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Old 10th March 2019, 5:45 PM   #23
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Let me offer another perspective.

Im kinda like him. We are insecure and controlling as we iffen have this idea of our partners in our head that we want them to be perfect. Thing is, nobody is perfect and unhesltgt obsession is not the answer to that. I stonewalled my ex occassionally when she did things i didnt like, and called her out on her talking to a colleague she had a crush on orevioisly, i even looked at her convos to check on her messages, get angry when she prioritized others over me. On hindsight it was very unhealthy. Though i never got to the extent of rushing a wedding or storming out of cafes and theeatening breakups, i think i would eventually escalate to that stage if i didnt work on it.

I agree with your decision to leave him, but maybe when he fixes all this a year or so later and comes back to you, i think you can take him back if he showed that he changes. We arent psycho we just need abit of reassurance and communication. A break up would do us some good to work on our selves. Our main flaw is that we look to others for our happiness and if that came from within, we would be much more comfortable and open in a relationship.
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Old 13th March 2019, 1:38 PM   #24
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Originally Posted by Commongoal123 View Post
Male here. In his 30s.

I got halfway through your paragraph about him pushing for marriage before you were ready at 8 months.... and didnt need to read anything further.

You dodged a bullet. Big time. And considering your 1st ex husband was psycho, I wouldnt be surprised if this relationship went a similar route. We all tend to repeat patterns with relationships.

Don't let your son be a reason why this man stays in your life. He will ultimately be bad for both of you.
Thank you for your opinion. Many people here pointed out that pushing for marriage at an early stage is a huge red flag.
I knew myself that it was a red flag, but I gave in and accepted his proposal. I gave myself the luxury of making this huge decision for fear of losing him. I certainly shouldnít have done that.
I think youíre right, the kid shouldnít be the primary reason to keep a man in my life while otherwise there are big problems and issues.
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Old 13th March 2019, 2:21 PM   #25
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Originally Posted by Heartbrokenguy92 View Post
Let me offer another perspective.

Im kinda like him. We are insecure and controlling as we iffen have this idea of our partners in our head that we want them to be perfect. Thing is, nobody is perfect and unhesltgt obsession is not the answer to that. I stonewalled my ex occassionally when she did things i didnt like, and called her out on her talking to a colleague she had a crush on orevioisly, i even looked at her convos to check on her messages, get angry when she prioritized others over me. On hindsight it was very unhealthy. Though i never got to the extent of rushing a wedding or storming out of cafes and theeatening breakups, i think i would eventually escalate to that stage if i didnt work on it.

I agree with your decision to leave him, but maybe when he fixes all this a year or so later and comes back to you, i think you can take him back if he showed that he changes. We arent psycho we just need abit of reassurance and communication. A break up would do us some good to work on our selves. Our main flaw is that we look to others for our happiness and if that came from within, we would be much more comfortable and open in a relationship.
I think you gave a pretty good diagnosis of his problem. I can tell that you can relate, from the way you described things. I donít think heís a psycho (unlike ex-husband), but he is very very insecure. Before our relationship, he had a long relationship (6 or 7 years) so I donít really think heís a psycho or anything like that. If that were the case, his ex would have left him after a short time.
I am sure of one thing though, I am going to go with my decision and will not go back to him. I plan to stay single for as long as needed to sort my life out. It will take over a year for sure. After that, weíll see if he has done any work on his behavior.
But, knowing him, heíll probably rather move on than try to change. But as you suggested, he might surprise me positively just as well.
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Old 13th March 2019, 2:29 PM   #26
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I just broke up with my bf of 6 months..for different reasons than you did.

But I am also experiencing the same remorse. I've been through enough breakups, though, to know I will get past it. You will, too.

8 months is DEFINITELY not enough time to know someone well enough to get engaged, and this guy was giving off major red flags.

I know you're probably tempted to believe the posts of the idiots who say, you shouldn't be so choosy cuz you're a single mom but that is WRONG.

You should be even CHOOSIER.

(hugs)
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Old 13th March 2019, 3:09 PM   #27
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Originally Posted by sandrawg View Post
I know you're probably tempted to believe the posts of the idiots who say, you shouldn't be so choosy cuz you're a single mom but that is WRONG.

You should be even CHOOSIER.

(hugs)
Fortunately, Iím not tempted to believe that and I didnít take such comments personally. In this difficult situation I found myself in, at least my self confidence wasnít bruised and I am well aware of my qualities as a woman.
Despite being a single mom, I have a lot of qualities such as being a genuinely benevolent person, highly educated and with a decent earning potential in the long run, above average looking and hardworking. My ex was and still is well aware of this.

Youíre totally right, we all should be even choosier.

(Hugs) to you too and thank you
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Old 13th March 2019, 3:53 PM   #28
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Originally Posted by Isthisloveordream View Post
Fortunately, Iím not tempted to believe that and I didnít take such comments personally. In this difficult situation I found myself in, at least my self confidence wasnít bruised and I am well aware of my qualities as a woman.
Despite being a single mom, I have a lot of qualities such as being a genuinely benevolent person, highly educated and with a decent earning potential in the long run, above average looking and hardworking. My ex was and still is well aware of this.

Youíre totally right, we all should be even choosier.

(Hugs) to you too and thank you
Sounds like you're very mature with a good head on your shoulders! You will find someone who appreciates you some day
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