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She loves me, she loves me not?


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Hi, I'm very new to forums, so please be gentle - I feel this is my best place for answers.

 

It turned out to be a very long post. The first part is background which is well worth knowing, however the main issues begin at "******" about half way down.

 

I'm a 40yo M and I've been in a relationship with a 40yo F for 6 and a half years. The relationship started rocky (I was at the end of a very long relationship, and she was single but had a casual thing going on). There were trust issues on her side. We had to work at it, there were many arguments where I admit I would get very heated (it never once turned physical, or emotional) however the relationship grew and became great. A few years ago I began suffering from depression due to a conflict at work, and eventually left my job. My gf was understanding, but was not happy that I was no longer working. Not long after, my gf had issues with her work, which ended up at an employment tribunal. Being unable to afford a solicitor, and with myself being quite good with legal issues - I fought and won the case for her. From start to finish, it took roughly 2 years. During this time, we had agreed that it was best for me to stay off work to concentrate on the tribunal. Obviously at this point, my gf needed a new job but wasn't confident and had no CV. I created one for her, found her a job, coached her for the interview - and she got the job. Early on the job became difficult due to a mean boss, so we agreed I'd stay off work "just in case". After a few months, she found herself unemployed again. I set to work once more on her CV and interviews, and again she finally got something (where she remains today). She's only been there a few months and is yet to pass probation - but she's concerned (she's a terminal worrier) so I said I'd hang off finding a job until she gets taken on permanent.

 

******

So.. Over the last few weeks she's been distant from me. Not calling me on her way to/from work as she usually would, and didn't have much if any time for me (we do not live together). This came to a head with me when she decided to spend valentines day with her friend rather than me. Concerned, I left it a few days then asked her if anything was going on. She just told me she'd call me tomorrow. I pressed her, which got nowhere except me finally asking if she actually wanted to be with me. Again she said she'd call me tomorrow. I drove to her house to demand answers, but she refused to answer the door, only telling me from the window to leave and we'd talk tomorrow. I said I wouldn't leave until she answered if something was going on, and she said there wasn't - so I left. Once I got home, I thought that she likely only said nothing was going on to get me to leave, so in a moment of frustration, I messaged her saying that I feel she's lying to me. I got an immediate reply telling me we were over. She wouldn't answer any calls or messages for the rest of the night. The next day we spoke where she told me that she's fed up with the relationship as it had gone stale. She said I was perfect in so many ways, but awful in others. Her list was; me being unemployed for so long and lazy (I admit that I did get lazy as I was used to being home all day etc) - I wasn't very presentable (I basically live in joggers and tshirts) and my house was untidy (which it is).

She then also began listing issues from when we first got together, and said she's fed up of seeing customers walk into her place of work coming holding hands, smiling etc, as she does not get that from me. Feeling she was clutching at straws, I asked if there was someone else. She said there wasn't, but she said that working where she does now, she's getting a lot of attention, being asked out etc - and she'd like to be single to maybe start seeing other people. She said she feels that there has to be someone who would be better for her than me.

This basically turned me to mush, and I went into full on pleading mode - promising I could change. She said it's too late, but I insisted. After a few heartfelt messages, she agreed to give me a chance. I pulled my finger out and within an hour, I'd found myself a job where I could start in a few weeks, however the hours and pay aren't very good. She was pleased with this, and we began speaking properly again. The next day I had arranged another interview for a much better job. She was over the moon and we discussed plans for a joint income.

The next day I gave her and her friend a lift home from a night out, and it worked out easier to drop my gf off first, then her friend as she lives closer to me. Her friend asked me what had gone on between me and my gf during our drive back. I said that I'm sure she knows everything as they're best friends, but she insisted she knew nothing - so I told her what my gf had told me. She asked what I'm going to do about it, and I said I'm going to pull my socks up and make some changes to make my gf happy again. She then questioned "what if it's more than what she's saying". I said if that was the case, I'd want to know, no matter how far it went as i wouldn't want any secrets or for something to come out later which could ruin things. She then told me a few things that my gf had moaned to her about, which my gf had already told me anyway.

The next day, the morning was fine. But then in the evening, my gf called me telling me that it was over. She said she shouldn't have given me the chance because she no longer loved me. After a tearful exchange, it turned out that her friend (who it turns out does know everything) had told my gf that I was digging and prying for information on what had happened - and this is what had upset her. I tried explaining what actually did happen, but she just cut me down saying I'll just try to talk my way out of it, but she's finally decided it's over - and I have no right asking about her to her friend as she'd already told me everything. Upset, I stated that I didn't believe her, especially cosidering her friends odd comments and questions - and asked her outright if one of these guys who had paid her attention had actually turned her head - o asked if there was someone else. She said there was. She said that nothing has happened with this particular guy yet, but she wants it to. She then went on to say it was all my fault because of the list of issues she has with me. She said she knows she'd never find anyone like me as I've got a lot of great points, however she can't go on without the things that are missing - and that she thinks this new guy can provide them.

I sent her a message that evening, saying I was sorry that I'd let her down, I truly love her, and only want a chance to make her happy. She replied that she'd speak to me in the morning.

I had no sleep and was physically sick during the night - concerned that the call in the morning will be the "calm call" spelling out the end of the relationship for good.

She called me as promised. And it was a normal conversation - the kind we had hundreds of times before. I didn't want to upset the apple cart, so I went along with it. She got to work and we had a laugh about one of her colleagues who is a bully, and I joked that I wished that I worked there. She replied saying "well there's two vacancies, you should apply". I was in stunned silence for a moment, then asked if she'd be OK with me working there, and she said yes - in such a tone that it was a silly question with an obvious answer. Again, I was stunned. Before I could say anything else though, she said "although I'm not quite sure how it would go down as I'm still on probation - and because you're my partner".

Since then (this morning) we've just had our normal occasional message, and all seems right again...

 

So please.. Is there anyone out there who can shed any light whatsoever on what the hell is going on here.?

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PegNosePete
Is there anyone out there who can shed any light whatsoever on what the hell is going on here.?

Yes there sure is someone! Her new man. I'm sure he could shed a whole lot of light on what's going on here. Because, sure as there's feathers on a chicken, she has got a new man and has been seeing him for a while and has been intimate.

 

It's a dead giveaway what her friend said in the car. Why do you think she refused to say anything until she found out what you know? Because she didn't want to give anything away! And when you revealed that you didn't know about him, she knew to keep her mouth shut.

 

There is 100% another guy in the picture here and it's not just that she wants to give him a try. You can bet your bottom dollar that they have already given it a try and decided they want to make a go of it.

 

The best thing you can do here is to move on. The relationship is over and she's moved on already. There's no sensible option for you except to do the same. Don't work for the same company either, that would just be all shades of awkward.

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She has admitted out-right to you that there is another man. I'm positively sure she was with this man when you went over to her home to demand answers and she didn't answer the door. Don't embarrass yourself anymore, man. She doesn't want to be with you and forcing it will only make her less interested in working things out with you. Take this chance to work on yourself for your own sake.

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I can't believe you are using her work issues as YOUR excuse to not get a job? Please. You could help her and still keep a job. So that alone, to me, is enough reason not to stay with you.

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PegNosePete
I'm positively sure she was with this man when you went over to her home to demand answers and she didn't answer the door.

Yes, that's pretty much spot on.

Why else would she refuse to answer the door?

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PegNosePete:

I appreciate your comment (although quite presumptive).

As for there 100% being anoyher guy, I can only agree - simply because she told me there was. She says that nothing has happened between them - and you believe otherwise, unfortunately I don't have any evidence or any lean towards one way or the other at present. I appreciate from the outside looking in (as per my original post) it seems likely, however knowing more details regarding her living situation etc, I'm inclined to think otherwise - although I'm not absolutely discounting the idea.

I believe her friend said and did exactly what she would have been expected to say and do. She obviously would keep her mouth shut, would she not.

And don't worry my friend, I absolutely would not plan on working at the same place as her - it would be far from ideal even if we were the model couple. However this does bring me on to my final point - which is more specifically what I was asking in my original post (apologies if I didn't get my question specific enough).

You state that they have already given it a try and decided to make a go of it. Then why would she suggest that I work at the same place, and refer to me as her boyfriend.? That's what is really confusing me.

I had suspicions, we had a bust up, she ends it with me, she said she's considering seeing another (specific) guy, she calls me the next morning and everything seems normal, refers to me as her boyfriend and recommends that I work with her. Very back and forth.

As an update, we have been in regular contact since my original post, and if it wasn't for what had happened over those few days, it's as if nothing has changed in our relationship. I may have a theory as to why she's more receptive to me now - which I will be addressing in a reply to another comment.

Thanks again..

Edited by oOBuckyOo
To add to whom the reply was directed
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Neuralgia:

Thanks for the comment.

I'm extremely doubtful she was with this guy on that night. I know it sounds cliché, but there is obviously more that I know about her and her living situation which delivers me to this doubt.

Although I could obviously be wrong.

1) I know all the cars on the street. There were no new or out of place cars. It's also nearly 100% unlikely that she would have brought someone back in her car. So only someone walking would fit the bill - but that seems unlikely.

2) Her next door neighbour (door and bedroom side) is a very close friend of mine. He or his wife would definitely tell me if they believed something was going on. I also believe she simply wouldn't take the risk of me easily finding out.

3) She came to the window with no makeup on. It may not seem very significant, but without makeup she is not anywhere near as attractive as when she's wearing it. She's "very makeup" and wouldn't be seen dead without any on.

For her to be comfortable with a man to see her with no makeup, it would have to be a long term relationship. Something I simply know is impossible.

4) She had to be up for work at 6am, and I was there around 11:30pm. She wouldn't answer the door because she was angry with me, and rightfully knew that I'd have been there a very long time demanding answers and wanting to talk.

 

You're right, I shouldn't embarrass myself with such actions. I have since calmed down, that evening and few days were very difficult for me and I was running on pure emotion.

Finally, and referring to my previous reply - if she doesn't want to be with me, then why are things seemingly back to normal now, why would she encourage me to work with her, and why does she refer to me as her boyfriend still?

Thanks again!

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Preraph:

Hi.

When I first read your comment, I admit it upset me and I immediately set out to refute it by giving my reasons. However on reflection, they would be excuses - exactly what I was doing in my relationship.

You gave me food for thought.

After a lot of soul searching, I've realised that whatever is going on, it seems it was initially down to her no longer being attracted to me - and this was my own doing. I thought I was being very supportive of her, and I was, but being unemployed and all that goes with it is not an attractive trait - especially when she's meeting new colleagues and talking about their relationships etc. I understand fully how her head may have been turned.

I am making changes however. I've ditched the joggers and batman tshirt, I've rejoined the gym (not that I needed to, it's more for my own kick up the backside and confidence) and I was successful in my interview yesterday - I start my new job on the 18th.

As I mentioned in previous replies, we've been talking since I originally posted and it's as if nothing had happened. She wants me to work at the same place as her, she refers to me as her boyfriend. She's very happy that I'm making these changes and so soon. She seems very excited by the new me. So who knows.

I don't really know what is going on in her mind, and I don't know what happened with this other guy - who now seems not to exist anymore. Hopefully, we'll talk about it soon. But either way, even if she's spinning me a yarn in an attempt to drag me out of the hole I was in for my own good, and has no intention of being together in the long run - I've accepted this and will bow out of her life gracefully. I'm comitted to turning my life around. If it's too late for her - I'm sure the new me will have no problem meeting someone new (and I've learnt a valuable lesson here - not to take a relationship for granted, and keep the attraction alive).

Thanks so much for your brutally honest reply!

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Thingsfallapart

I think to put it bluntly, she was monkeybranching and the other branch broke so she has swung back to your branch.

I.e she probably met a new guy, liked him, tried with him but got used so has now come back to you now that she knows the other guy played her

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some_username1
I think to put it bluntly, she was monkeybranching and the other branch broke so she has swung back to your branch.

I.e she probably met a new guy, liked him, tried with him but got used so has now come back to you now that she knows the other guy played her

 

That's exactly what happened. In some ways you can't blame her- it hurt my eyes to read all the excuses about why OP couldn't get a job.

 

That being said, life is all about chance and opportunity. She tried to snag a better deal and failed. In doing so she has given OP the motivation to sort himself out. She now has to bear consequences so I would be using that motivation to be the best person I could be amd that would mean that the door would be closed in this woman's face from now on. You tried, you failed, too bad so sad. I would be fairly confident that even being single I would automatically be better off than with someone who operates like she does.

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PegNosePete
You state that they have already given it a try and decided to make a go of it. Then why would she suggest that I work at the same place, and refer to me as her boyfriend.?

Because she wanted to keep you on the back burner in case things don't work out with the new guy, she can come right back to you and pick up where she left off.

 

And that's exactly what happened. She gave it a go with him, it didn't work out, so she's back to you.

 

You should never allow yourself to be anyone's plan B!

Edited by PegNosePete
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Thingsfallapart:

Although not hearing that term before - I agree that this seems the most likely scenario.

Thanks for your comment

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some_username1:

I am now the first to admit that I screwed up here. Although at the time I'd have said I was doing it all for her, the truth is that I was looking for any excuse to stay off work as I'd got comfortable being lazy. Yes, my depression was a big factor in this - but again, this is still an excuse, and I could have done something about it. So yeah, it's obvious I was no longer attractive to her - so I too can't blame her.

 

You're right, this has motivated me to change. I have a great new job which I start soon, I've already updated my wardrobe and I've burst out my shell. Before all of this, I was always very confident and would take control to get things done - I feel I'm back there now.

 

You say that the door should be shut in her face now - would it not be worth considering a reconciliation, considering I know that ultimately this was all my doing? Before my first step down this path, the relationship was as close to perfect as one could hope.

 

Thanks for your logical comment!

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PegNosePete:

Absolutely, I 100% agree that nobody should be anyone's plan B.!

 

With that being said though, this only came about because of my actions. It's clear for anyone to see that I drove her to look elsewhere. The philosopher in me would argue that the other guy was plan B.

If the shoe was on the other foot, it's possible that I'd have done the same. So although she "did bad" - she did so because it it was natural, something we'd all likely do.

Plus, with her actions in this, it's helped me get out of the rut I was in and has made us both notice each other again.

Do you believe that reconciliation is simply not an option?

 

Thanks for your regular input.

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some_username1
some_username1:

I am now the first to admit that I screwed up here. Although at the time I'd have said I was doing it all for her, the truth is that I was looking for any excuse to stay off work as I'd got comfortable being lazy. Yes, my depression was a big factor in this - but again, this is still an excuse, and I could have done something about it. So yeah, it's obvious I was no longer attractive to her - so I too can't blame her.

 

You're right, this has motivated me to change. I have a great new job which I start soon, I've already updated my wardrobe and I've burst out my shell. Before all of this, I was always very confident and would take control to get things done - I feel I'm back there now.

 

You say that the door should be shut in her face now - would it not be worth considering a reconciliation, considering I know that ultimately this was all my doing? Before my first step down this path, the relationship was as close to perfect as one could hope.

 

Thanks for your logical comment!

 

Easy for me to say as I don't have the sense of attachment you do. It all comes down to how much you value your self worth vs how much you feel for this woman.

 

She flat out told you that there are things that you can't provide that she *thinks* this other guy can (bear in mind she also said that nothing had happened yet but she wanted it to- it all sounds very presumptuous and my guess is this guy wasn't interested full stop or pumped and dumped her once). She had probably good reason to say there are things that you can't provide whilst you had no job but from.the way you describe it doesn't sound like this was all done with much empathy for you. She sneaked around first of all, then finally told you how it was and now is acting like you are still a couple? She has handled this very badly and you will know that if you fall on hard times in the future she will be looking for better. You would be better off getting a dog than dating this woman. At least the dog will stand by you and not be touting itself to new owners when you are in trouble.

For extra snark the next time she calls you and refers to 'we' and 'us' calmly and politely tell her that after thinking sbout it there is no more 'we' or 'us' because you have decided there are some things that she doesn't provide and that you think most of the female population will- namely openness, honesty, warmth and empathy.

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PegNosePete
this only came about because of my actions. It's clear for anyone to see that I drove her to look elsewhere.

This is a common line of thinking but ultimately flawed.

 

Yes your actions may have initiated a loss of attraction in her but her response was to drop you like a used tissue and shop around for a replacement behind your back.

 

The failure of your relationship was on both of you. Any decent person (male or female) would talk to their partner before looking elsewhere. The failure of the relationship was 50/50 but it was 100% HER decision to try out another man. Nobody held a gun to her head.

 

If the shoe was on the other foot, it's possible that I'd have done the same.

And if the shoe were on the other foot right now, there is no way in hell she'd even be thinking about taking you back for one second!!

 

Do you believe that reconciliation is simply not an option?

I believe that if you do reconcile, she will most likely never be honest with you about what happened with the other man, and will very likely cheat on you again in the future. She has shown her colours. It would be foolish to ignore them.

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Thingsfallapart

Your girlfriend is a very willful girl. A rather naughty girl, if I may be so bold.

 

Perhaps she needs a good talking to, if you don't mind my saying so. Perhaps a bit more...

 

The question is; are you happy knowing that your girlfriend is only with you because she got pumped and dumped when she tried to replace you?

You should correct her!

Edited by Thingsfallapart
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