What's Wrong With Me?

[helloladies21]

After getting over my ex-wife in 2017, I went on a bit of a dating rampage. I'd guess maybe 35 first dates in 5 months. Mostly from online dating. I had never had so much success dating in my life. I learned a lot about girls and dating from this. I met some great girls, but none I considered long term options. I felt pretty great about myself and where my life was in general.

 

At the end of the year I was about to shift my focus from online dating to meeting girls in person, as this is where I believe I've gotten the best quality of girls, when I met my ex-gf. I sensed she was a bit on the crazy side, but we had great chemistry and things went fast. A week later, we were together. We dated for a couple of months until she spontaneously put up walls and pulled away from me emotionally. I sensed it immediately we split up over the next 2 weeks. She tried to blame me for the break up, saying I was too tough on her. I don't/didn't believe it and told her she most likely has abandonment issues from her difficult childhood and being left my her ex-husband 3 years ago.

 

I was very hurt, as I had emotionally committed to her. She had a lot of the qualities I was looking for. She stood out from the rest. I saw a future with her. So I stayed out of dating for a few months until I started feeling better. I felt like I had gotten over her in June and I started talking to girls again. I don't know if this girl has some type of radar, but she rushed back into my life and we got back together. Things were fine for a few weeks until she put up walls and pulled away again. I let it go for a couple of weeks as I wanted to see if she would break through whatever ails her during this time. No luck. After being ignored and having her be dis-affectionate with me for those two weeks, I decided it was ruining me too much, so I tried talking to her about it on two separate occasions. The conversations were pretty convoluted on her end. At first, she went into denial that she was being distant. Then she admitted that she still wasn't over her ex and worries that everyone leaves her. I ended it as I don't have the time to wait for someone who's emotionally unavailable.

 

I went back into dating as I felt that I had wasted enough of my life on this girl. I went on a bunch more dates from online. A few girls seemed like potentials, but things didn't work out. I reached out to my ex a couple of times letting her know I still wanted to work things out. My last contact was at the beginning of October, when I sent her a letter letting her know that I still care about her and understand she has issues that would have to be worked through if we would have any chance to make things work. No response. I randomly found out on Facebook that she's got a new boyfriend. I then got swamped with work and started dating less. I shut down my online profiles in December and have been concentrating on work for the most part.

 

I haven't spoken to this girl since the end of July. The last time I reached out to her was 5 months ago. I would imagine that I would be over this girl, who I dated so briefly, by now, but she continues to weigh on my mind. My heart isn't heavy like it used to be, but I think about her a few times a day. I don't predict that I'll ever hear from her again and I certainly have nothing left to say to her. And if we did somehow get back in touch, I don't see her having what it takes to get over her deep rooted issues. I can't have any hope that we will ever get back together. Maybe only a fool's hope? But if I am to be honest, I do still hope that we would get back together one day. It doesn't make any sense to me.

 

I think part of the problem is that I'm not really dating these days. I'm determined to start approaching girls in real life (versus online) as soon as things calm down at work, which will happen very soon. It's never been a strength of mine and I feel like it's the last real hurdle for me to conquer as everything else in my life seems to be pretty well set. I refuse to believe that she was the best that I can get. I know there's better for me out there. I just have to meet enough girls to find her.

[FMW]

Don't get involved with fixer-uppers. It's unlikely they are going to change.

 

Try to just enjoy dating, don't look for something serious right now. If it happens, it happens, but stop looking for a while.

 

As an aside, you telling her that she had issues and that you could work through them together wasn't endearing. Whether or not she does have issues and owns up to them, she doesn't want someone else pointing them out, especially not as what is wrong with your relationship.

[mark clemson]

This sudden on-off thing sounds like someone with borderline tendencies. You may wish to research this a bit. When someone has full-fledged BPD it's a big deal that causes lots of problems for them and those around them. Not sure that's the case here, but generally if you're attracted to "complicated" women, as some men are, you want to avoid these types as they're way too complicated.

 

The thinking about your ex multiple times a day sounds like residual limerence to me. There's not too much you can do about it other than keep yourself distracted, unfortunately. But time WILL eventually heal it. Your continued resolve to have nothing to do with the ex will help keep it to the minimum (which is months, but your months are in progress, so just keep at it!)

 

Think you should focus your efforts on looking for the next one. You're almost ready I bet.

[Fair]

We always want what we can't have. Let's face it, you're hurt because she didn't want you and that's what's keeping you hooked, it's not that you cared that much about this particular girl. You only think you did.

 

Keep dating, keep looking forward. You won't get anywhere by chasing someone who is emotionally unavailable to YOU.

 

Now... when you meet someone who actually wants you watch out for the way you behave. People who like emotionally unavailable people tend to be emotionally unavailable themselves, and when they finally meet someone who wants them they find it 'boring' and push the person away.

 

DON'T do this. Be self aware, and maybe do some research online to find out if you really are emotionally unavailable, because you may have to do some serious work on yourself before you start dating.

 

If I missed a lot of key points it's because I didn't read the whole post... I just skimmed it. way too long for me...

[Fair]

I just went back to your post and read you still want your ex back. I was right. You ARE emotionally unavailable and have no business dating. Get out of the dating arena and go clean up your past... do the grief work and get your head on straight or you're going to end up hurting someone who doesn't deserve it. Plus your own life isn't going to go ANYWHERE unless you deal with your emotions. I don't care how many women you meet online.

 

BTW... dating that many women a month just REEKS of a guy who is running away from his pain. Don't be that kind of coward. Go clean up your past. No unsuspecting woman deserves to be used by a guy like you who just wants someone around as a distraction. They deserve someone who cares about them and not his ex.

[helloladies21]

Don't get involved with fixer-uppers. It's unlikely they are going to change.

 

I wish it were a choice, but we don't control who we fall for. Emotions are reactions, not choices.

 

As an aside, you telling her that she had issues and that you could work through them together wasn't endearing. Whether or not she does have issues and owns up to them, she doesn't want someone else pointing them out, especially not as what is wrong with your relationship.

 

This type of reasoning is so funny to me. So many women complain about guys who lie and hide things from them. They want an honest man. Then they complain when a guy is honest, but the truth hurts. Is the lesson to tell the truth, but only when it feels good? Tell me the truth no matter how much it hurts - that's what I'm looking for. I'm not so weak.

 

I told her that she has issues and they are what separate us because it's the truth. What's the alternative; to go into complete denial about it and point to something else? Like a scapegoat? That makes no sense. I'm not good at sweeping things under the rug. It's unhealthy for an individual and the relationship. Get things out in the open and discuss them. I see no convincing argument to the contrary.

[helloladies21]

This sudden on-off thing sounds like someone with borderline tendencies. You may wish to research this a bit. When someone has full-fledged BPD it's a big deal that causes lots of problems for them and those around them. Not sure that's the case here, but generally if you're attracted to "complicated" women, as some men are, you want to avoid these types as they're way too complicated.

 

I'm certain she has mental issues. Her mom and brother committed suicide and she tried a long time ago. After her split, she said she was heavily medicated. She stopped cold turkey shortly before meeting me. Maybe it's BPD. Maybe bi-polar. I think mental health is still poorly understood, even by experts, so I might never know the answer.

 

The thinking about your ex multiple times a day sounds like residual limerence to me. There's not too much you can do about it other than keep yourself distracted, unfortunately. But time WILL eventually heal it. Your continued resolve to have nothing to do with the ex will help keep it to the minimum (which is months, but your months are in progress, so just keep at it!)

 

I had to look up this term limerance. I don't think that's it though. I don't want her back. My feeling is of disappointment. Like I felt so convinced that she had what it takes, then I was let down. I predict she'll never be ok. She'll keep bouncing from guy to guy. And I don't think I could have done anything to fix her. She's too broken.

 

Think you should focus your efforts on looking for the next one. You're almost ready I bet.

 

I appreciate the positive words. I do feel like I'm right on the edge of breaking through.

[gringoloco]

I just went back to your post and read you still want your ex back. I was right. You ARE emotionally unavailable and have no business dating. Get out of the dating arena and go clean up your past... do the grief work and get your head on straight or you're going to end up hurting someone who doesn't deserve it. Plus your own life isn't going to go ANYWHERE unless you deal with your emotions. I don't care how many women you meet online.

 

BTW... dating that many women a month just REEKS of a guy who is running away from his pain. Don't be that kind of coward. Go clean up your past. No unsuspecting woman deserves to be used by a guy like you who just wants someone around as a distraction. They deserve someone who cares about them and not his ex.

 

I was a bit like you trying to run away from the pain of the breakup when it happened. Got really involved at work, done some insane deals, met some girls who might have wanted more from me than i could give them, until one day the pain struck me hard. It was one of the most difficult experiences of my life. Litterally like experiencing the death of someone. The pain is horrible, but the only way to feel happier in the long run is to face your emotions. Grieve. Then go back at it once you re ready.