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My girlfriend ended it after one year. Need advice (Long post) **Updated**

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Old 1st March 2019, 12:53 PM   #1
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My girlfriend ended it after one year. Need advice (Long post) **Updated**

I'm looking for some advice as me (28) and my girlfriend (27) have broken up. She decided it was best 'for now' to break up, those where her exact words. I'll try to give as much insight as I can. I appreciate your time in reading this and any opinions or advice.

Previously to the breakup. We were together for just over one year, I had been single for a 18 months (my last ex cheated on me). My current ex from what I know now, bounced from relationship to relationship (she was dumped by both), she had two relationships (we will call these ex's A and B) that I knew of in the space of a year until she met me, I feel this has made her insecure and needy. She also has an issue with her mum and feels she's the least favourite between her two other sisters, she was also the rebel child. Her mum and dad are still married but I never seen them been affectionate towards each other, they always sat apart whenever i was around, I think they loved each other though. (I'm not sure if you needed to know that but it gives some more insight).

When I met her, everything was flowing smooth, finally I felt like it was going somewhere with her. After 4 to 5 weeks of dating, we made it exclusive (looking back maybe this was too soon). 3 to 4 month in everything is fine until I find out she's still in contact with her ex A's family and I don't mean 'Hi how's things' every once in a while, these where weekly and even daily conversations. Her been in contact with her exes family was uncomfortable for me, it felt as if she was leaving the door open to the possibility of rekindling things, she never volunteered to ever show me their conversations. Having been hurt in the past and cheated on, my guard naturally goes up, I give her the cold shoulder and just generally off with her to protect myself from been hurt and I pull back. (i never said anything at this moment as I just kept and eye on things, as I said some people do keep in touch, knowing what I know I should of talked to her openly).

Before we were exclusive, I remember ex A been on her snapchat and she wanted a picture of us together and in her words 'it will make him jealous and he will go away' I was driving at the time and I just forgot this happened until recently (major red flag looking back). I think this was the moment I began doubting things, was I in a rebound relationship? Did she actually like me in the way she said? Was I been used to get back at ex A who dumped her? who knows.

She mentioned ex A a couple of times at the start of the relationship and this prompted me to look on her phone to see if she was over this guy (I know this was wrong and it never happened since). However, this is how I found out she was in contact with ex A family a lot, dad, sister, mum, aunties, everyone more or less. Ex A mum even sent her a message asking her to meet up near where they lived while we were exclusive etc i'm not sure if she ever did or not. I never seen any contact between her an ex A though but there was messages between her an Ex B but they were more her breaking things of with him.

It gets interesting when I see a conversation between my ex and her best friend. My ex had messaged her best friend to talk about ex A new girlfriend and how she missed what she had with ex A, this was about 4 or 5 months in to our relationship. She also mentioned things to her best friend like what does ex A's new girlfriend have that I haven't etc. She also sent ex A's mum a message to congratulate his new relationship and she hopes that they could still talk but she was happy with me in our relationship (I know I shouldn't of looked at her phone but this caused even more issues regarding my behaviour towards her, again my guard is up and I'm been off and cold with her I really didn't know what to make of all this at this point).

I ended up confronting her about this and she said it was a hard breakup etc and she was really angry that I went on her phone. She explained that was what best friends talk about and she was happy with me and wanted to put this behind us. I decided to go to counselling at this point and work on my issues and it helped massively to the point where I eventually learnt to trust her and I couldn't be rocked by ex's or guys hitting on her in a bar. She did begin talk alot recently about guys hitting on her an ex B who recently contacted her etc.

We had some arguments like every couple does but we always resolved them after having a day or two of cooling down. The repeating argument before my counselling was usually when ex A family were talking to her it would make me uncomfortable after seeing what I seen on her phone and I usually reacted in the same way been cold and off with her, it just felt as if there was something more to it and she never volunteered to show me the conversations (I know now this was probably turning her off emotionally).

Cut a long story short, we were out valentines weekend and we had a great time until I seen on her snapchat which she opened up in front of me a totally different ex's name from a few years ago who supposedly cheated on her, there were messages that had been exchanged between them. Again, I found it hard to understand why she would have an ex on snapchat who cheated on her, it doesn't make sense and to be quite frank I was annoyed and felt disrespected as sinister or however innocent it may have been. A year into a relationship it's not something you expect to see, if she valued me, why not just tell me about it or just delete him? I was cool about the other times guys have sent her a snapchat etc. I confronted her and again my guard goes up and she said he was just trying to sell her some tickets for a game and their amicable. I needed time to think things through logically and things I learnt from my counselling. We ended the weekend pretty short on that Sunday, we hugged and kissed and went home.

We texted after we where home and she was trying to be nice but I still needed time to get rid of any negative thoughts in my head. The next day I was fine and dropped it, however she never. She was upset by how I reacted and in her words it was emotionally draining and we needed to talk.

I tried to meet up with her on two occasions and she rejected both before finally agreeing to meet up a week later. In the mean time, I felt the need to apologise for my actions and how I dealt with the situation, I explained that I invalidated her feelings and I wanted to have an honest an open conversation with her so she could understand the situation from my eyes and work together to put this behind us once and for all.
We meet up and she basically ends it with me, she said I needed time to work on myself and the best thing right now is to separate. She said I was paranoid and it was emotionally draining. I disagreed with the paranoid comment it was more me been uncomfortable, which I know she would of been if this was the other way around. She said she was surprised I remembered her telling me about her ex who cheated on her and that as soon as I seen his name on her snapchat and the exchanged messages, she knew I would be off with her and cold with her. Her best friend who's also recently single told her that his is how control freaks start out and this would be worse in a years time. I've not once stopped her going out or rang her to ask where she is or told her she cant do something. She never really addressed my feelings either even though I took the time to understand hers, it felt as if it was all my fault. I explained this was a step back for me and it was a reaction in the heat of the moment. I accepted the break up and never begged or pleaded, I explained that I understand her decision even though I don't want to end things, I loved her and I hope she takes care of her self. I know my worth and I'll never stoop that low and resort to begging and second chances.

I went out the next night and had a good time and she seen this on instagram through a mutual friend. As soon as she seen this she deleted a valentines status about us, changed her facebook relationship status to single and went out herself and uploaded tons of selfies.
I'm not sure if she was expecting a reaction from me from the breakup, whether it was just a test, was she trying to teach me a lesson or if she just wants me to chase and stroke her ego and keep me as a back up plan, who knows. I know she loves me and we did have loads of great times too, I'm just highlighting what I feel was the main issue here. I feel this has been a massive communication issue on both sides.
The last thing she has done has deleted some pictures of us on instagram but not all of them, I'm not bothered and have not reacted to this but I just don't understand how you can be talking about moving in together, going on another holiday, she even mentioned marriage! and now we're just strangers, it hurts. I have gave 100% in this relationship and it feels like i've just been swept under the rug.

Thanks for your time in reading into my situation any advice would be great. If you need to know more just ask, I've tried to be as honest as I can and give as much detail. It's currently day 5 and we still have not spoke.

Last edited by Innerbloom; 1st March 2019 at 1:00 PM..
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Old 1st March 2019, 3:32 PM   #2
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I don't think she was ready to date yet when you two got together, OP.

It very much sounds like she had lingering feelings for Ex A and your discomfort with her close relationship with his mom was your gut trying to tell you something. Her whining about her Ex A's new girlfriend to her best friend was another red flag. I agree that going though her phone to find this information was not the best way to handle your suspicions, but can't change that now.

While you might have had issues with insecurity, it also appears she has issues with letting go of her past. She is minimizing her role in the break-down of your relationship, because it means she doesn't need to look at her own behaviour and how it influenced the dynamic.
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Old 2nd March 2019, 1:10 AM   #3
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Originally Posted by Innerbloom View Post
I went out the next night and had a good time and she seen this on instagram through a mutual friend. As soon as she seen this she deleted a valentines status about us, changed her facebook relationship status to single and went out herself and uploaded tons of selfies...
The last thing she has done has deleted some pictures of us on instagram but not all of them, I'm not bothered and have not reacted to this but I just don't understand how you can be talking about moving in together, going on another holiday, she even mentioned marriage! and now we're just strangers, it hurts.

My sense on this specific point is that (1) she broke up with you, (2) it appeared from your friend's posts that you were starting to move, and so (3) she felt like she'd better go ahead and do the same thing. Some people are uncomfortable being alone when the former partner has found someone new, so perhaps she doesn't want to risk finding herself in that situation.

You could consider contacting her and saying you'd like to try to reconcile before you start looking for someone else. I doubt it would work though. Possibly she will contact you in time if neither of you move on. You don't seem like the type to wait around for that, though, and I wouldn't be either.
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Old 2nd March 2019, 12:25 PM   #4
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Thanks for your replies and you're point of view on things. I'm pretty upset by the whole situation and looking back I feel if given a second chance, things would be different but I'm not reaching out, if she says she's sticking to her decision it will only open upon the wounds again and I'll lose my self worth chasing her.

Her dad has also unfriended me on social media, not sure what to make of that as we really got on. Maybe she's painting me in a bad light to justify her actions and as the previous poster said, push the blame all on me, but who knows.

It's a real crap situation to have to go through again.
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Old 3rd March 2019, 2:08 AM   #5
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I feel for you friend. The coldness hurts the most. At one time you had this amazing connection with someone and the next day you just don't talk anymore. It takes time for your mind to cope with that one. With break-ups some people do the slow fade, others do it like a band-aid.

To be honest, while it was wrong to look through her phone, your hunch was right. How do you know for sure that was Ex A mom? Couldn't she just list it as his mom in her phone, but really be the ex?

I think she has Alpha Widow syndrome. This is basically where once a girl has had a true alpha, she always secretly pines for him, unless you are able to spark those same emotions.

She's not the needy one. You are however, kind of needy. She is shady though. But neediness is probably the number one attraction killer for women (not saying this from a position to belittle you; I've learned this the hard way myself). You can work on neediness. Neediness isn't immoral, it's just an anxiety-driven behavior you can learn to control. Shadiness in a relationship is immoral and you have to ask if you can really trust her, or if you even want to continue on with a woman like this.

You have to act like you would be happy to have her in your life, and just as happy if not. Snooping through phones, always suspicious, are needy behaviors. If you feel she is crossing boundaries, you need to clearly set those, and then if she violates them, you need to break up. Some people have this weird thing about keeping exes in their lives. They don't see it as anything wrong. However in this case, if she felt that way, she should have let you know the extent of it and should have no problem letting you see all the texts. In the back of her mind, she probably does wish the Ex would have worked out. Were you a rebound? Maybe, maybe not. You had a chance to be her number 1, but your neediness removed that possibility.

When I say needy, I'm not saying you were wrong to find those behaviors shady. I know I would. As you correctly stated, you gave her a relationship way too fast, before establishing your boundaries or even knowing that she has extensive ties to her ex's family.

You handled the break up text book perfect. She's probably kind of shocked. Your best bet is to keep doing what you are doing. You have the right mindset and behaviors. All you can hope is that she sorts out her feelings and if she tries to come back, I would accept nothing less than cessation of all contact with exes. 100%. It's either you, 100% and 0% exes, or vice versa. She can live in the past, or live in the future with you. If she comes back, and there is anything less than that, you will break up again. I wouldn't keep apologizing when you get upset about the exes. If she knows it will upset you, her actions should be not to do the behavior, not hiding it from you. You are allowed to have boundaries. And if she wants a relationship, I think your boundaries are totally reasonable. Don't apologize for having standards and definitely don't let her get away with violating them. If she wants to cling on to a cheater, then let her. Have at it, is my attitude. Her loss. All she had to do was show some basic respect and you could have had something great. That mindset must be your attitude.

If you are on social media together, don't be surprised if she tries to use that to get under your skin. As hard as it is, try not to analyze what pics she is deleting/keeping and all of that. Your brain will try to connect dots based on limited information and you'll drive yourself nuts. Myself, I always delete exes off social media. I advise the same. If they can see your life on social media, they still have a small foot in the door and can see what is going on in your life. If they can't see it, its all a mystery and they'll miss you more. They never truly feel the pain of missing you if they can have a small glimpse into your life. But I digress.

Doing things like showing you have a life is totally fine. I'd recommend using it to showcase how you are improving yourself. When we are in a relationship, we tend to neglect things. Liking going to the gym, starting a new hobby (or even giving up one you had before the relationship), taking a class, trying to move up in your company, or what have you. To show you are becoming a better version of yourself. If you want her back on some level, I wouldn't advise posting pics with other women. Women can pull guys much easier and she'll up the jealousy game many times over. Especially since you knows you are kind of a jealous guy anyway (nothing wrong with that and she is shady).

What are some things you can do to improve your life? I would showcase those on social media. But my general recommendation is to block so you don't look at her materials and also she doesn't have any insight into your life.

Good video you may want to watch (good channel content about red pill overall):

How To Get Her Back? - Is it Worth Taking Her Back?
If I have seen further than others, it is by standing upon the shoulders of giants. - Newton

Last edited by TheFinalWord; 3rd March 2019 at 2:18 AM..
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Old 14th March 2019, 4:17 AM   #6
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Thanks for all the replies, especially @TheFinalWord. That response and that video opened up a door I never knew existed. I've even watched more of those videos and it has really helped. It's strange how once you get feelings for a woman how easily you soften up over time and how easily you end up doing things to turn her off. Anyway, I thought I'd give you guys an update as it's coming up to a month since we parted ways.

While she initiated the break up 'for now' in her words, we didn't speak for almost two weeks. Most of her family deleted me off social media apart from a sister and an aunt, which was strange because I hadn't really done anything wrong and I got on well with all of them.

She had also began talking to another guy and liking each others pictures on social media, I ended up blocking my ex off everything from this point. Maybe this was why she broke up and thinks the grass is greener on the other side. It's just strange how you can be planning a holiday, happily holding hands etc and a month later they're already talking to a new guy and possibly even dating. I've got enough self respect to walk away from someone who can monkey branch that quickly. She got pissed at the fact I had removed her from social media and ended up texting me as soon as she realised asking to be friends but I rejected her offer and explained that whats done is done and if she doesn't want to work things out then I'm moving on, I done it as classy as possible and thanked her for the lessons and that was the last I've heard from her in weeks now. It almost felt like that was the actual break up. I'm no plan b or back up option, I've made enough mistakes to know my worth.

Right now, I'm just working on my business and maybe one day soon I'll start dating again but for now I'm enjoying my own company with friends and family.

Thank you all, once again.

Last edited by Innerbloom; 14th March 2019 at 4:22 AM..
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Old 4th April 2019, 4:22 AM   #7
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My ex contacts my friends and family?

So for anyone who never read my last post which was quite long, I'll give you a brief breakdown...

We were together for a year, she kept in touch with her ex's family a lot, this prompted me to check her phone to see what was actually going on, I see some messages between her and her best friend how she misses her ex and what they had and she was jealous over his new girlfriend. I confronted her and we talked about it and managed to put it behind us, cut forward 6 or so months later she had a totally different ex on her snapchat and they had been chatting, we had an argument and she ended it, she said I was paranoid etc (read my other thread for the full story).

Anyway, since we've broken up I noticed she had already began speaking with someone else in the space of 2 weeks, I had to remove her from all social media and block her because I just couldn't sit around and watch that happen (maybe this was to prompt a reaction from me).

It's been over a month now of no contact and she's not reached out directly to me but she has reached out to my mum, dad, best friend and his girlfriend. She was basically asking how I was and what I was up to etc. This was spread out over 4 weeks but my dad said she was very interested in getting information about me.

It's been a hard 4 weeks but I've not reached out but I'm so tempted but I know if I do I'll lower my value and she'll lose even more respect for me. I guess it's just hard not knowing if there was something going on more sinister, I'm kind of hoping that there was then it would justify all of this and I could move on, if there wasn't then my irrational thinking has caused me to lose a good relationship.

Could I test the water and she how she feels, or do I stay no contact? it's a tough one. Maybe she hasn't reached out directly to me because she's scared of me rejecting her? I don't know.

I'd appreciate some advice on this, thanks for your time, it's much appreciated.

Last edited by Innerbloom; 4th April 2019 at 4:25 AM..
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Old 4th April 2019, 8:14 AM   #8
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I think if she is contacting all of your family and friends then she is still interested in you. Honestly who can be bothered doing that otherwise?

Plus she did the same thing with exA whom she was obviously not completely over.

But I don’t know if you should go back to her after all her shifty behaviour, why would you want to?

If I was you I might msg her and say “ stop bothering my family and my friends, if you have something to say just say it to me directly.”
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Old 4th April 2019, 2:24 PM   #9
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Sounds to me like she needs to decide whose family she wants to be a part of. Hanging on to exes' families to get info from them and worm your way into the family and back with the ex is a big red flag. The exes' families ought to know better, too. I'd be so mad if someone did that to my family! It's stalkerish.

I don't know what to tell you. I think she still has a thing for her last ex. Lots of energy being expended there trying to make him jealous, trying to get his family on her side, etc.

Now she's talking to your family. I'd put a stop to it.
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Old 4th April 2019, 6:34 PM   #10
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What I'm honestly seeing from this, is just how destructive social media and a life based round our phones could be.

What I do on a date, or spending time with a gf, is switch it off. Our minds are all over the place, and this obsession with social media is destructive.

I know this doesn't seem like much of a help, but I do think your obsessing over a reality that may not have been there in the first place.
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Old 4th April 2019, 8:45 PM   #11
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Would you really be able to trust a girl who, halfway into your relationship, was confiding in her best friend about how much she misses the ex?

That would make me feel like she was never 100% emotionally present and that you were plugging a void for her.

Whether or not she ever got past that would be difficult for me to trust that person again and their sincerity and interest in me.

I would let this one go but I do think she's sniffing around because she's not good at cutting any kind of emotional tie...
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Old 5th April 2019, 3:56 AM   #12
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I'm just confused at the moment, did my insecurity cause all of this to unfold?

I just don't understand how someone can introduce you to all their family, start saving up for a house etc but not be 100% emotionally invested? I never got the impression she never made the effort to love me. Is that a normal feeling to have when an ex moves on? Like I said, I never seen any direct communication between them, this all could of been a big **** test?

My best friends girlfriend has just told me she's in contact with her every other day now, asking about me, how am I doing, she misses me etc and that I need to unblock her off social media?
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Old 5th April 2019, 4:20 AM   #13
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She's acting like a high school girl. Why would you want all that drama?

I'd let her be someone else's problem.

She not relationship material.

I can guarantee you there is a better match out there
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