Jump to content

my ex is probably a narcissist


Recommended Posts

sunflower24

Hi, I haven't posted here in a while. Last time I did I was getting over a recent break-up with someone I had dated for two years. I was the dumpee, and I was pretty heartbroken because the entire situation really blindsided me. I swore that even if he ever wanted to get back together, I wouldn't. But then, after 4 months, suddenly he did, and I agreed. Mostly out of guilt -- I truly had begun to move on, but it seemed as though he was still so in love with me. He cried, he made promises. To me, there was just not a good enough reason for me to justify not taking him back, so I did. In the back of my heart I knew we weren't meant for each other and that I was no longer in love with him, but I truly did want to be...and I thought maybe if I gave him a second chance I could get there again. So I agreed to work on things.

 

This lasted 2 months (dec-feb). I couldn't do it anymore. Even though I was no longer in love with him, I kept trying to make it work because I didn't want to hurt him. But to my bewilderment he was seemingly putting in even less effort than ever before, while I did absolutely everything. I was literally carrying ALL of the emotional burden while he was carrying none of it. I was frustrated and so overwhelmed and it began to cause me such excruciating anxiety that one morning I just poured everything out to him.

 

Word for word, I told him this: "I just feel like you’re really secure in our relationship again, and because of that you don’t see yourself ever losing me and therefore don’t feel the need to do certain things to ‘keep’ me, for lack of a better word. You know I love you and I think you take advantage of that by thinking that you never have to worry about me breaking up with no matter how little effort you put in. But sometimes I think you forget that I didn’t have to give you a second chance and still don’t. I know that’s a little harsh but it is the truth. You are the one who determines the future of our relationship now, not me."

 

His reaction was NOT pleasant, and eventually his replies got so ridiculous that I couldn't take it anymore and broke up with him. He began projecting, deflecting, positioning himself as the victim, threatening to break up with ME, and a whole slew of other things. One quote I really loved was, "your attitude during this whole thing is really turning me off," and that I was "coming off as self-absorbed." He had NEVER spoken to me with such mean-spirited words and such ill-intent before. He kept saying that I was being "demanding" when literally all I had explicitly asked for was respect, matched effort, and for him not get impulsively defensive.

 

We finally talked on the phone after texting like this for two days (he was not concerned enough to even call me once during the entire conversation) and I, very nicely, asked him to simply tell me reasons why he loved me (because he NEVER did). A simple ask I would think for someone you have been in a serious relationship with for two years. He REFUSED. To him this was just another one of my "demands" and he yelled repeatedly, "No. I'm not going to do that." I also asked him to tell me about my childhood and he could only name two things--where I had lived and that I "had a dog that got hit by a car." Which was wrong. I didn't. It was absolutely ludicrous. He knew nothing about me.

 

I know now that he most likely has NPD. Our entire relationship was never two-way conversation. Everything was always about him, and on an exceedingly superficial level. He could talk about himself for hours, and I would listen attentively and ask questions. He was never interested in me; he never asked me questions about myself. Everything he knew was from me volunteering the information myself, but even then he rarely listened.

 

It all makes sense to me now. The enormous ego, the obsession with grandeur, attention, appearance and personal success, the victim-blaming, the constant minimization of my feelings. Our entire relationship our emotional connection lacked immensely (the source of a lot of issues pre-first breakup), and it makes total sense why now. He just doesn't have the emotional capacity. His emotional maturity and intelligence, from my perspective, is nonexistent.

 

I'm not sure why I'm writing this. Maybe for some answers? I don't miss him. He isn't the person I once loved. I haven't talked to him since (he hasn't reached out and neither have I in the 3 week period), and I absolutely refuse to ever speak to him again unless he makes an apology first -- which I am definitely not holding my breath on. I guess what I'm just struggling with most is knowing he is most likely speaking really poorly of me now to all of his friends and family. And that makes me so sad, because I truly was the kindest person to him he probably has ever (and might ever) meet. I was so loving and caring, and I did not deserve how he treated me. I do consider myself a pretty big empath, so I psychologically get why our relationship went on for so long (as all the research says, I was an extremely "good supply").

 

I guess my question is, if he does indeed have NPD, do you think he TRULY believes all the terrible things he said about me? Or did he just say them to hurt me?

Link to post
Share on other sites
mark clemson

Not sure about the NPD, but certainly possible. From what you write, I think the things were said just to hurt you. I mean if the guy doesn't even remember major details you told him about your childhood, does he know you well enough for his insults to based on real understanding? Probably not.

 

Be glad you've pushed this guy away. You were right to do so. From what I understand, the longer you stay the more they just suck you dry of time, effort, emotional energy, and often money as well. Steer clear.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic

I highly doubt he is truly (diagnostically speaking) narcissistic, and I even more highly doubt he's speaking poorly about you to his family and friends. This is just your own insecurity about yourself and possibly your wrong-doings in the relationship speaking.

 

It's a relationship that didn't work out and it's not more dramatic or unique than any other relationship that doesn't work out.

 

Just my opinion.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
sunflower24
I highly doubt he is truly (diagnostically speaking) narcissistic, and I even more highly doubt he's speaking poorly about you to his family and friends. This is just your own insecurity about yourself and possibly your wrong-doings in the relationship speaking.

 

It's a relationship that didn't work out and it's not more dramatic or unique than any other relationship that doesn't work out.

 

Just my opinion.

 

I do not agree, as he, to this day, speaks very poorly of his ex before me and about most females in general. But thank you for your opinion. I am not claiming to know if he is narcissistic or diagnosing him in any way; however, I know his behavior better than anyone and have done my share of research on the various forms. :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
I do not agree, as he, to this day, speaks very poorly of his ex before me and about most females in general. But thank you for your opinion. I am not claiming to know if he is narcissistic or diagnosing him in any way; however, I know his behavior better than anyone and have done my share of research on the various forms. :)

 

It doesn't matter how much you Google, leave the NPD diagnoses to professionals.

 

My biggest pet peeve - ordinary people going around, diagnosing others. Mental illnesses are a bit more serious than that.

 

 

 

For reference: "I know now that he most likely has NPD"

Edited by Cornputer
  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
littleblackheart
In the back of my heart I knew we weren't meant for each other and that I was no longer in love with him, but I truly did want to be.

 

This, to me, was the biggest hurdle in your relationship. You faked it, he felt it.

Link to post
Share on other sites

The operative word being "ex".

 

Why are you cluttering up your mind with this?

Stop it.

I, like others, doubt he was a certifiable narcissist.

The two of you were incompatible, it happens.

MOVE ON.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
sunflower24
This, to me, was the biggest hurdle in your relationship. You faked it, he felt it.

 

Sigh. Did he though? 1) he broke up with me after 2 years with little to no explanation 2) when we did get back together, he failed to put in any effort. I had to beg him to spend time with me. I had to guide him like a child in how to treat me. I had to ask him to call me more, had to BEG him to tell me why he loved me because he never told me. During our entire 2 year relationship prior to the break up, he never once said the words, "I'm in love with you." Only, I love you. To me, a pretty big difference. He didn't remember pretty much anything about my childhood??? (Which I talked about quite a bit -- this really did leave me flabbergasted.)

 

I could write 100 examples of this, and why I believe he has traits in line with that of NPD, but that would take up pages.

 

I may not have been deeply in love with him anymore, but I loved him as a person with my entire heart. I tried and I fought and I fought for our relationship, even when he planted so many seeds of doubt in his love. But he, on the other hand, never had any doubt. He never once had to ask me to put in more work or voiced issues of me being a poor partner. He KNEW I loved him and took advantage of that by thinking he could get away with doing the bare minimum. I'm a little frustrated because I think I made my love and care for him pretty clear in my initial post.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
sunflower24
You faked it, he felt it.

 

Also — the claim of me “faking it” really bothers me. Partners fall in and out of love all the time. To me, real love is a choice and to be with him again was a conscious choice out of love. I truly did hope that taking him back would ignite being in deep love with him again. I wanted to be with him, I just needed him to show me through his actions and changed behavior that he was the man I should one day marry. And when I finally told him so much, he thought I was being crazy, “mentally unstable,” and outrageous. That, to me, raises a lot red flags about someone’s mental perception of reality.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
sunflower24
The two of you were incompatible, it happens.

MOVE ON.

 

I agree — we were definitely incompatible. I am moving on. I’m allowed to have questions and voice them though. Isn't that the sole purpose of this website?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Of course you're allowed (and encouraged) to ask questions.

 

I'm kind of curious though, if you weren't really in love with him why did you want to hang on, why did you put in all the emotional work when you felt he wasn't doing his part?

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
sunflower24
Of course you're allowed (and encouraged) to ask questions.

 

I'm kind of curious though, if you weren't really in love with him why did you want to hang on, why did you put in all the emotional work when you felt he wasn't doing his part?

 

For this I would have to reply with what I just said to @littleblackheart. I wanted to be in love with him. I thought there was a chance I could get there again, as I believed he was going to prove his place in my life and put in the amount of effort I always had. He promised he would work on himself. I thought I owed it to the both of us to give him that chance to do so. But he did just the opposite instead. I believe the reason for this was that me taking him back was purely an IMMENSE ego boost for him, and it signaled to him that I was weak and he could take advantage of my love and attachment to him. Realizing this is what allowed me to finally leave.

Edited by sunflower24
Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't think he has any of those conditions either and I agree those types of diagnosis are best left to professionals. It sounds like not only were you no longer in love with him but he was no longer in love with you either. You guys tried to fix a broken relationship and it didn't work. You should have never gone back to a man you were no longer in love with but moved on. What is the purpose of trying to make something work with a man you are no longer in love with? I can understand loving someone as a person but realizing you don't have "in love" feelings to make a relationship. This happens all the time and people just move on somewhat sad that it didn't work out.

 

Even if he had worked on his issues the fact was you were no longer in love with him.

Link to post
Share on other sites
littleblackheart
Also — the claim of me “faking it” really bothers me.

 

Well, you said you knew you weren't meant to be together, that you weren't in love with him but that you wanted to be so I'm just taking you at your word...

 

He may well have been a total monster but surely you can see you had a part to play in it too? I think you are cutting yourself too much slack here, tbh.

 

He left after 2 years with no explanation, you took him back despite him not being particularly invested in your relationship (by your own admission and for your own standards - not telling you he was in love with you, not remembering things from your childhood, having to beg him to spend time with you...).

 

You both agreed to rekindle your relationship in December, no? What reasons did he give you to agree to start again after leaving the first time without warning?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
sunflower24
I don't think he has any of those conditions either and I agree those types of diagnosis are best left to professionals. .

 

Again, I am not trying to diagnose him. I do, however, believe that narcissism lies within repetitive daily behavior, which none of you guys have experienced. I could write a very long list of specific behavioral examples that point to abnormal personality traits congruent with that of narcissism, but that would be a waste of time on here. I am not claiming that he 100% has NPD, so I would appreciate y’all not making the claim that he doesn’t. I spent nearly 2 and 1/2 years with him and know what I have experienced, observed, and learnt about him throughout that time. Thank you for your opinion. :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
sunflower24
Well, you said you knew you weren't meant to be together, that you weren't in love with him but that you wanted to be so I'm just taking you at your word...

 

He may well have been a total monster but surely you can see you had a part to play in it too? I think you are cutting yourself too much slack here, tbh.

 

He left after 2 years with no explanation, you took him back despite him not being particularly invested in your relationship (by your own admission and for your own standards - not telling you he was in love with you, not remembering things from your childhood, having to beg him to spend time with you...).

 

You both agreed to rekindle your relationship in December, no? What reasons did he give you to agree to start again after leaving the first time without warning?

 

I take full responsibility for taking him back. I totally did that, I’m not denying it. It was a very confusing time for me. I never thought he would come back, but then he did. My emotions were everywhere. I truly didn’t know whether I was still in love with him or not — but I did acknowledge that no, my feelings weren’t as strong for him as they had been 4 months prior. And that no, maybe he wasn’t the person I was meant to be with since 1) he had caused me such pain and 2) we did have clear incompatibilites at this point (his huge ego, obsession with superficialities, poor ability to express his emotions, etc). I took him back because of the belief that my feelings could regain strength, based on his promises that he would work on these various elements of himself. And at that time, I thought it was possible for him to get better about these things. I had no idea until the very end when he became so enraged that they were so deeply embedded into his personality that they would never change. He absolutely denided their existence. That’s when I realized how very, very low his emotional intelligence is and no longer had the energy to continue going back and forth with him.

 

Also, for the record, I don’t think he is a monster. Not at all. I think he has deeply rooted emotional issues that have deeply affected aspects of his personality. I always believed he was a good person at heart which is why I never wanted to give up on him — and which is why the **possibility** of him having a form of narcissism is hard for me to accept, but I truly believe it is a very strong possibility. That is all.

Edited by sunflower24
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Again, I am not trying to diagnose him. I do, however, believe that narcissism lies within repetitive daily behavior, which none of you guys have experienced. I could write a very long list of specific behavioral examples that point to abnormal personality traits congruent with that of narcissism, but that would be a waste of time on here. I am not claiming that he 100% has NPD, so I would appreciate y’all not making the claim that he doesn’t. I spent nearly 2 and 1/2 years with him and know what I have experienced, observed, and learnt about him throughout that time. Thank you for your opinion. :)

 

Well you definitely know him better than us. If the above is true I can't imagine why you would have even entertained the thought of going back to him. Especially since you weren't in love. It makes no sense whatsoever but fortunately for you you corrected the course and it's over.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
sunflower24
Well you definitely know him better than us. If the above is true I can't imagine why you would have even entertained the thought of going back to him. Especially since you weren't in love. It makes no sense whatsoever but fortunately for you you corrected the course and it's over.

 

You're right; as a matter of fact, I am very glad I did take him back because none of this would have come to light otherwise. Had I not, I am sure I would still be pining for some sort of closure and wondering every day if it could have worked out. I absolutely have that answer now, and I feel that I do have the closure I need -- as I said, I am fine never speaking to him again.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
sunflower24

Explaining my feelings and the reasons behind my actions, however, was not my intent for creating this post. I simply asked if anyone, who might have a strong knowledge of narcissism, could tell that that IF he were to have a form of the disorder, what might his behavior/thoughts be now, given all of the information on him I provided. That is literally all I was hoping would come from this post, but thank you all for your opinions anyway.

Link to post
Share on other sites
littleblackheart

4 years of therapy and 2 therapists who told me my exH was most likely a malevolent narcissist have told me that the label doesn't actually matter.

 

Before I got to that point, I tortured myself mentally endlessly about feeling guilty and a complete dumbass for not seeing what he was like and for not believing both his family and mine warning me off him.

 

I wish I could help you fast track to the point of realising that him being a narcissist or not ultimately doesn't matter.

It would be disingenuous of any of us to answer that question for you.

 

What matters is your mental and emotional health, and looking at what you will do differently with the next guy.

 

For me, I learned to act faster and to trust my gut; less benefit of the doubt, if you like.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
sunflower24
What matters is your mental and emotional health, and looking at what you will do differently with the next guy.

 

For me, I learned to act faster and to trust my gut; less benefit of the doubt, if you like.

 

Thank you. Now, I can very clearly see all the warning signs and red flags back from even when we first began dating. Within hours of me breaking up with him and reflecting on the behavior I had just witnessed, every odd behavioral trait he had exhibited during our time together finally began to add up. He had always believed he was exceedingly better than others (in intelligence, appearance, wit, social interaction) but never had he so plainly projected that onto me. I was absolutely flabbergasted. Because I typically am such an obedient and undemanding person, I think he had always perceived me as the "perfect" partner. He could dump his life onto me every day, and I would listen and support him in every way I knew how. Out of pure love on my part, but it did nothing but continuously stroke his ego. He never viewed me as a threat and never believed I would have the courage to call him out on his actions. So the moment I did, he lost it. To me, it was pure narcissistic rage. But, that is also just my opinion.

 

Our relationship was most certainly a learning lesson, and I will actively be smarter about trusting my gut and believing patterns, not apologies.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Again, I am not trying to diagnose him. I do, however, believe that narcissism lies within repetitive daily behavior, which none of you guys have experienced. I could write a very long list of specific behavioral examples that point to abnormal personality traits congruent with that of narcissism, but that would be a waste of time on here. I am not claiming that he 100% has NPD, so I would appreciate y’all not making the claim that he doesn’t. I spent nearly 2 and 1/2 years with him and know what I have experienced, observed, and learnt about him throughout that time. Thank you for your opinion. :)

 

I was with someone who was diagnosed by a professional with NPD. It doesn’t matter how much you search online or how many years you’ve known him for, you clearly have no right to suggest someone has a disorder of that extent.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
sunflower24
I was with someone who was diagnosed by a professional with NPD. It doesn’t matter how much you search online or how many years you’ve known him for, you clearly have no right to suggest someone has a disorder of that extent.

 

Okay. Thank you for your opinion. :)

Edited by sunflower24
Link to post
Share on other sites
SunnyWeather

good to see you are starting to recognize your role in this unhealthy dynamic- it takes two to tango.

 

the minute you cut off the life source to one with those personality traits (and that includes the real estate it consumes in your thinking and attention), the sooner you realize that it is your choice to not participate in that dance anymore.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...