bloodorange Posted February 25, 2019 Share Posted February 25, 2019 I've been with my boyfriend for a year. He is an only child, with parents who made him feel like he wasn't good enough his whole life. I was with him through the dissolution of their relationship, him moving out of their house, and eventually, him reaching out and meeting up with his dad to begin to reconcile. Because he was raised in a pretty explosive household (no physical abuse, btw), his reaction to things not going his way is anger. This could be anything from traffic to a restaurant getting his order wrong to being cut in line. He never physically acted out, but he would get seriously pissed and say sometimes hateful things about the people to me. I am NOT like this and do not respond to it, so he would then react in one of two ways: either he'd shut down, or when I tried to calm him down and tell him it doesn't matter, accuse me of "not being on his team" or always taking "their" side. I loved him so I pushed it aside a lot, especially knowing what he's been through with his parents. In November, however, he got really mad at me over me talking to an ex boyfriend who I ran into at a bar (completely no feelings left there for me), and basically demanded an apology. I refused to give him one because while I understand occasional insecurity, I wasn't going to let him tell me who I can and can't talk to and honestly didn't understand why he was doubting my commitment to our relationship. I told him after that fight that though I love him, I really can't accept the unchecked anger because it frankly scares me and is something I can see as only getting worse with age. He seemed to get it, and we moved past it. The past few weeks however have been really tough - he works incredibly hard and his anger at any inconvenience returned worse than ever. I broke up with him on Monday (2/18) after we tried to discuss why he was acting in anger, and he basically said "thats just the way I am". The breakup was REALLY unexpected and completely shook me. When I got home post-breakup, he sent me some long, nice sounding texts about how he wants to pursue therapy for his anger an dparent issues, something he always told me he didn't have time for because of his work schedule. I was glad to hear it, but at the same time I told him he should do that if it is really something he wants to pursue - not for me. A week later, I'm feeling like I made the right choice but I also feel HORRIBLE about leaving him. I am still in love with him, but I am not so sure he is a good match for me long-term, and I don't want to play games, waste either of our time, or ask him to "change for me" and wait around for something that might not happen. Today he texted me for the first time since just saying good morning, and i replied gm, wished him a good week, and told him I'm not quite ready to talk yet. He responded well- said he understands and respects my feelings and would be there for when I'm ready. I'm really really worried that he is thinking that this break up is short term, and I am going to go back to him to help him through his anger issues. The last thing I want to do is go through ANOTHER gut-wrenching break up with him. I feel horrible, selfish and guilty. Just looking for some perspective outside of my ow skull. Link to post Share on other sites
Garcon1986 Posted February 25, 2019 Share Posted February 25, 2019 Welcome to LS! I think you did the right thing for your safety and sanity here. You deserve better than a man who knows how to cope with only rage. He needs to prove to the world that his anger is being fixed, and you don't need to help him with it - you've already tried on your own. In the meantime, heal, be with girlfriends, and do lots of happy things. Much worse things have happened to the citizens of Loveshack. You've dodged multiple bullets. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Highndry Posted February 25, 2019 Share Posted February 25, 2019 He's willing to work on his problems. You're unwilling to support him while he works on his issues. You don't love him enough to support him through the ups and downs, so he deserves somebody better, as apparently you do, too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bloodorange Posted February 25, 2019 Author Share Posted February 25, 2019 (edited) Not sure where on my post you saw him taking actionable steps towards working on his problems. If to you "someone better" is a girl who will stay silent during his angry outbursts and subsequent neglect to do anything about it, then I believe we have very different outlooks on what makes a good relationship. Edited February 26, 2019 by bloodorange 4 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 26, 2019 Share Posted February 26, 2019 (edited) He's willing to work on his problems. You're unwilling to support him while he works on his issues. You don't love him enough to support him through the ups and downs, so he deserves somebody better, as apparently you do, too. He wasn't willing to work on the issues while the were together. Saying he'll do it after the break up is too little, too late. Edited February 26, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator leading off topic 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wallysbears Posted February 26, 2019 Share Posted February 26, 2019 Good for you! He needs to realize the world and people don’t care how “Hard” his life was...he doesn’t get to be mean and angry to people. No one will put up with it long. Link to post Share on other sites
assertives Posted February 26, 2019 Share Posted February 26, 2019 I don't think you are being selfish. At the end of the day, you are not his mother, and you are certainly not responsible for his well-being. Also, nobody can help him except himself. He needs to want to work on his issues himself and his motivation needs to come from within. The last thing you want is for him to say he's only going to therapy because you made him to. If you do choose to continue with him, you could encourage him, but don't enable his bad behaviors. If you have decided no, this is the end, you should also tell him up front and not lead him to think it's just a temporary thing. From your post, it seems like he may be only going to therapy to win you back. Link to post Share on other sites
The Dude Abides Posted February 26, 2019 Share Posted February 26, 2019 Bloodorange You have done the right thing. If you are uncomfortable or frightened by the angry outbursts then that alone is enough to end it. You expressed concern that your xBF would interpret your statements about the break up as being a temporary step in his process of dealing with his anger. I can certainly see a scenario whereby he conveniently hears only those words that support his plan to get back together. So I suggest that you let him know via email or text (important that it is in writing) a concise and unambiguous statement that you consider this to be a break-up and you wish him well as he gets therapy, etc. And if there is any possibility of getting back together, that is TBD by you only after some length of time has passed and he has improved his behavior so that you feel comfortable . In other words, no guarantees or expectations on your part or his part, and his only focus should be on himself and his pursuit of treatment. Best wishes and take care of yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 26, 2019 Share Posted February 26, 2019 You've done the right thing, OP. Don't listen to those who tell you didn't love him enough to support him. Malarkey. He showed you a side of him, repeatedly, that justifies you walking away to avoid further pain and fear. You are looking out for yourself now and choosing the best path toward self-preservation. His anger is his to deal with. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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