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Not proud of what I said during the break up


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Unfortunately I just came out of another failed relationship.

 

Dated my ex (27) for around 8 months. Everything started ok with her. I'm 34.

 

It went downhill pretty fast. It started when she invited me to a party and her ex would be there too. No big deal, till the guy offended me. I ignored it, but made it clear to my ex I didn't appreciate what he said. She got upset and started to cry, and asked me to leave, which I did.

 

From that moment on it started to go south. Few major arguments I can remember:

 

1. She invited me for a drink with her family. We asked for the bill, I wanted to pay, but her brother did. My ex got furious, she started to yell that I'm a cheapskate, etc. This all in front if her family. All the way home she kept on yelling at me. I was tired of it and said the B word to her. Yes, completely wrong of me, I kept myself calm after she insulted me for hours. The last 'cheapskate' was too much. One day later she apologised for her behaviour. Damage has been done, I lost respect and attraction towards her. I'm not cheap, have a 6 figure salary and I'm a generous person. Whenever we went on a date I paid in 90% of the time. I paid for flights, hotels, etc.;

 

2. I was browsing my phone and she saw a picture of my ex. I didn't even open it. She saw it and said 'why do you still have pictures of your ex?'. She opened her phone and showed a picture of her ex kissing. She didn't talk to me for a few hours. I was the one who had to apologise. I didn't even show that picture on purpose. I have 1000's of pictures on my phone, I don't bother deleting them;

 

3. Went on weekend trip. After numerous fights the days and weeks before, I lost attractions towards her, we had no sex for the entire weekend. On the last day we only had a few hours to explore the city. I told her to hurry up, but she kept on lagging behind. I said 'you are the slowest girlfriend I've ever had'. Her response was 'At least my ex could bang me all day'. I was upset for a few seconds, but I knew that I was not really attracted to her anymore;

 

4. Went for a hike, and I took a picture of the view from the mountains. Put my phone away and she yelled 'you never take a picture of us, with your ex's you did that all the time'. Again, I had to apologise;

 

5. Multiple arguments in public. She yells and screams in public. Leaves me alone in a restaurant. Random strangers and waitresses came to me and said 'don't worry we heard everything, let her go. If the arguments were handled in a mature way, no big deal. She yells for hours, demands an apologise from me.

 

6. She forced me to do an STD test, although I knew I was clean. She knew my past (sleeping around a lot), so I did it. Test was positive. I asked her to do a test and she freaked out. During that argument she said she had an STD in the past, I was obviously angry. In the end she did the a STD test;

 

7. Pissed off that I wanted to change my profile picture in just one of me;

 

8. We had a conversation about that I was not that happy with my current employer, and the city where I live (I'm an expat). She told that if I don't like this world, I should kill myself. Weird ****;

 

9. Some of her friends told me some negative things about her. I told her, and she said 'do you believe them or me'. Obviously another fight for a few hours;

 

10. We were talking about marriages and divorces. I said something in line that people who come from a broken family, have a higher chance to divorce as well. I didn't mean anything bad with it. She comes from a broken family, so she was furious;

 

All the arguments we had took for hours, longest was 7h, till early morning. She yells, swears, insults, etc. She forces apologises out of me. Once she said 'why can't you be the man that I want you to be'. That was weird.

 

I'm not blaming everything on her. I name called her a couple of times, after she insulted me and provoked me. Once I told her to shut up in front of her friend. She was again picking up an argument before that. Not very proud of those moments.

 

I never had any strong sexual feelings towards her. In the beginning it was ok, but the sex was just without emotion. I was thinking what the issue could be, seeing this was totally new to me. With my previous ex, we had 4 times sex a day. From all the fights, insults, etc., I just couldn't have sex with her anymore. Never thought that this was possible.

 

With my latest ex, it was just terrible. I had to force myself to have sex with her. It became worse and worse. I had to make excuses that I didn't feel good, busy with work, etc. First time in my life that I couldn't have sex with someone.

 

This week we broke up in a terrible way. We booked a holiday a few weeks ago. Past Monday we went to the airport. After check in, I said (in a not so nice way) that she should have put her laptop in her hand carry and not checkin luggage. I apologised for my attitude, but she started another argument for hours. Kept on insulting me. I had it, and said 'it's over, I'm cancelling my flight'. Unfortunately I couldn't cancel my flight seeing my bag was checked in under her name.

 

She kept on arguing on the plane and raising her voice, other passengers were looking and were annoyed. She insulted me numerous of times, with the result that she provoked me. I said the most hurtful thing you can say to a woman. I will not repeat my exact words, but I basically said 'the reason why I can't have sex with you, is because you are not attractive. Not physically and your personality is ****'. Yes, totally wrong, no excuse. The argument on the plane was just too embarrassing and I had enough. We landed, and we went separate ways.

 

I never introduced her to friends and family. They knew the situation, and they all said to leave her. She was also the first girlfriend that I didn't want to introduce to my family. I planned to do it, but cancelled it a few days before the actual date. My family told that if she overreacts for little things, what will it be if you marry her and divorce her. She will ruin you.

 

One of the last things she said was 'You will regret in a few months that you left me, I'm the best girlfriend that you will ever have'. Sure...

 

She also told that she never had any arguments with ex boyfriends. I know how she broke up with her ex, also a lot of drama. I saw how she fought with her family. I just can't stand it that she makes it sounds that I'm the bad guy.

 

Do I feel bad that it ended, yes and no. I felt bad of what I said on the plane, and was considering to shoot her a text to apologise. But what's the point, she probably doesn't feel bad of all the things she said. I still think about her everyday, but not sure why. Do I want to call her, yes. But I know I don't love, probably because I feel lonely at the moment.

 

I do feel bad seeing I haven't name called some one since I left College.

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This relationship was extremely unhealthy. What you said upon breaking up with her was craptacular, but it was not the main problem. Apologizing, or not, isn't going to make a lick of difference.

 

My ex sounds very similar to her. One of the best things I've ever done was to leave that relationship in the dust. There is no future with such toxicity.

 

Spend your time now reflecting on why you hung around so long in spite of the enormous red flags.

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Name calling wasn't great but from what you posted, only name calling showed great restraint. This woman was a nightmare. Good riddance.

 

Going forward, before you start to date again, clean out the photos on your phone. Save the ones with EXs to the cloud or a thumb drive if you can't bring yourself to delete them. I have this one picture that one of my EXs from grad school (decades ago is in). When people ask why & tell them to look again. He's off to the side; the picture is actually of an octopus The EX & I were on a trip & I had never seen an octopus in the wild before. It was before digital so I can't cut him out without scissors. lol

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Thanks for the replies.

 

Besides the name calling, I also hit her on purpose with my shoulder against her shoulder. Not hard, just on purpose. It was after she humiliated me in front of her family calling me a cheap skate and stingy.

 

I don't feel that bad about the break up. It's been five days, and I still think about her every day. She was nice to me and did a few things that no other girlfriend did before. It's just the yelling for hours that I couldn't stand.

 

Also the sex part was weird. I just couldn't sleep with her anymore. No matter what she did, I just couldn't have sex with her. I have a high libido but whenever I saw her, my libido was below zero.

 

I'm not planning to hookup with someone right away. I passed that stage. I have to figure out myself. Its not the first time that I stayed in a toxic relationship.

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OK so work on yourself to never intentionally hit an SO again. This wasn't a punch in the face. You lost self control. It happens. If it's a pattern, that is bad. Once isn't great but one mistake is not the end of the world.

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Also the sex part was weird. I just couldn't sleep with her anymore. No matter what she did, I just couldn't have sex with her. I have a high libido but whenever I saw her, my libido was below zero.
This isn't weird. When you're in a bad relationship, sexual chemistry is often deeply affected to the point that we lose our desire. The same happened with my ex. He is an objectively very attractive man, but I just couldn't bring myself to be intimate with him anymore. I was so turned off by his rude and nasty attitude toward me.

 

I'm not planning to hookup with someone right away. I passed that stage. I have to figure out myself. Its not the first time that I stayed in a toxic relationship.
Good idea. You both engaged in toxic behaviour, it sounds like. You need to figure out what attracts you to that and why you don't walk away from it.
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Of course not. I've never hit anyone in my life, not even a guy.

 

I didn't hit her, just my shoulder against her. Which is still unacceptable.

 

Hopefully I will not contact her. This week will be a bit difficult, but the week after I'm on holiday, so that will help me to process this relationship.

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I just can't stand it when she told me on the plane that I'm abusive. I'm not the easiest person to be with, but I'm not the one who yells and insults for hours.

 

Also when she said 'You will regret in a few months that you left me'. I mean, two weeks earlier she told me to kill myself. Yes, I will definitely regret it (sarcasm).

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I just can't stand it when she told me on the plane that I'm abusive. I'm not the easiest person to be with, but I'm not the one who yells and insults for hours.

 

Also when she said 'You will regret in a few months that you left me'. I mean, two weeks earlier she told me to kill myself. Yes, I will definitely regret it (sarcasm).

 

This rings very familiar to me, OP. A lot of what you describe mirror things my ex said to me, right down the accusations of abuse. I never once abused him in any way, shape or form. It was the other way around.

 

Do you happen to know if there is history of mental illness in her family? We cannot and should not armchair diagnose people, but my ex had been diagnosed with a specific personality disorder (though he refused treatment of any kind) and I am wondering if there is something deeper underlying her behavior with you, too.

 

PM me if you would like to talk further.

Edited by ExpatInItaly
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Hmm, I don't want to go into detail, just in case she is on this forum.

 

Mental illness, I don't think so. Broken family yes, her dad divorced a couple times. He controls her with money, work, etc. One thing that was off, was that whenever she yelled, her eyes and noise twitched.

 

I dated a sociopath a couple of years ago. My last ex was not a sociopath. Thanks to my lovely sociopathic ex, I can easily see who is sociopath (at least I think so).

Edited by DSLR
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Hmm, I don't want to go into detail, just in case she is on this forum.

 

Mental illness, I don't think so. Broken family yes, her dad divorced a couple times. He controls her with money, work, etc. One thing that was off, was that whenever she yelled, her eyes and noise twitched.

 

I dated a sociopath a couple of years ago. My last ex was not a sociopath. Thanks to my lovely sociopathic ex, I can easily see who is sociopath (at least I think so).

 

I am not referring to sociopathy. This is not the condition which afflicts my ex, either.

 

In any event, stay far away from her. This isn't a relationship that you want to try to revive. As your emotional attachment fades, you will find it easier to resist getting in touch with her.

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I tried to PM you, but don’t see the option to send a message.

 

I don’t understand why I feel so bad. When I was with her, I was making excuses to leave. In 8 months time I never said that I loved her, which I don’t. Now I have an urge to contact her. Hate this feeling.

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Sorry for all the posts, need to get it out. My friends are tired of hearing it.

 

She always treated to find someone else right away. She told me multiple times that she deserves better than me. Obviously it’s her right to start dating right away. Will it make me jealous, not sure.

 

During one argument I told her that her only ambition in live is to find guy, which is true. She doesn’t really work, she ‘works’ for her dad’s company. She is not happy there and promised me half a year ago that she will find something else, which never did. All my other ex’s were bankers, engineers, architects, lawyers, etc. Career driven people. My last ex career was finding a dude.

 

When I met her she just broke up with her ex two weeks ago. I should have waited a bit before dating her. Her last relationship ended up pretty bad. The guy basically left her in a foreign country after an argument.

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CautiouslyOptimistic

You're putting too much emotional energy into this breakup with someone you didn't even like, let alone love.

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Yeah, you are not the first one who told me this.

 

Maybe I did like her more than I thought. I know I can't go back, I will loose respect from my family and friends.

 

I did like her in the beginning. I liked her more than vice versa. After awhile she got more attached to me, and started to change me. She was more emotionally involved than me towards the end.

 

How could I still like someone who insults me on a weekly basis. Some of the arguments were my fault, she just overreacted. For example, I dried my hands with her towel, Christ we argued about that for 2-3h.

Edited by DSLR
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That sounds like an absolutely dreadful relationship. You don't miss her, you just miss having somebody.

 

I am not a doctor, but it sounds like she has a mental illness. Her behavior screams that something's seriously wrong. No "normal" person acts that way period, let alone in public.

 

That being said, it's no excuse for you to lose your cool and sink to her level, saying terrible things to hurt her feelings. In the future, you'll feel better refraining from doing that.

Edited by Highndry
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I’m not sure if she has a mental illness, I would not push it that far.

 

She is used of being spoiled, because of her dad. She thinks she can get everything she wants, she denies this though. I know other spoiled people, but they would not react like she did.

 

I’m not going totally free either. I said low things to her, and being provoked can’t be an excuse. I’m not the most carrying person, but will always try to show respect, which I didn’t towards her.

 

Another argument that I can remember was that we planned a 10 today holiday (basically last week and this week). Two weeks ago I told her that I want to come back one or two days earlier, because of work. The week after I’m heading out again, so I felt guilty towards my company that I take three weeks off. She got furious in public again. I understand that it’s not nice to hear to shorten the holiday, but it was only for one or two days.

 

Thanks for everyone pulling me through this. It should not be that hard, but for some reason it is. A friend just told me something wise. I’m currently thinking that I should have worked harder, maybe I did love her, not nice enough, could do better, etc. My friend said that these are the typical break up feelings. There was a reason why I couldn’t have sex with her, why I didn’t want to introduce her to family, etc. My friend is right, if I loved her, I would have told her, I would not have tried to avoid her, etc.

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Yeah, I should have left her after she called me ‘cheap’ in front of her family. I actually did leave her, but she came back with an apology. No idea why I forgave her. My family and friends were not pleased with that.

 

I still feel like ****, it’s getting worse. Few year ago I would go out, get wasted and hook up. Unfortunately I can’t do that anymore. I learned that hooking up right after a break up does more harm than good.

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Once she said 'why can't you be the man that I want you to be'

This is the core problem.

Not only that, you were also "the rebound".

She only split up 2 weeks from her ex when she met you.

She tried to put you into her ex's shoes and when you didn't fit them, she got frustrated, annoyed and angry with you, and probably with herself too.

She was trying her hardest to push a square peg into a round hole and when it was obviously not working = meltdown.

 

Maybe the ex was her "ideal man" and she is still cut up about losing him, but maybe he just didn't match up to her expectations either.

 

She is likely one of these people who thinks that it is possible to find someone somewhat unsuitable and change them into the person they really want.

It doesn't work.

Edited by elaine567
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I wish you didn’t tell me this, but obviously this was in the back of my head since I met her.

 

Her ex was indeed her ‘ideal man’. They met in a very romantic way, she was totally in love with him. She acknowledged that, we had a few arguments about this as well.

 

Her ex was a bit of A hole. She flew over to his country. They had an argument and he left her in the middle of nowhere. They only dated for two months though. I don’t really see this and having a relationship, she did.

 

She always told me that she moves on fast. I never saw any signs that she was still in contact with him.

 

I had a few rebound girls as well, but was never close to them. This girls did actually nice things for me. She also introduced me to all her friends, family, etc. I would never do that with a rebound.

 

This hits hard, damn.

Edited by DSLR
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Her ex was indeed her ‘ideal man’. They met in a very romantic way, she was totally in love with him. She acknowledged that, we had a few arguments about this as well.

 

 

Never get involved with people who are still closely involved with their ex, or who are obsessed with their ex, or who are still in love with their ex, or who hate their ex, or are not really over their ex in some way or other, especially those who have been dumped. They are in no position to date anyone and you will always be the one that gets hurt.

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Hmm, she never brought the guy up. I started to talk about my ex (she was the one that got away), after awhile she mentioned her ex. I talked a bit too much about her in the beginning.

 

She did compare me with him a couple of times.

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