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Getting cold and disrespectful to get me to break up first? **Updated**


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 11th March 2019, 10:46 AM   #106
hp1
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Thanks so much. Really appreciate the support. I think I'm analyzing so that if I find an answer I can apply it fix it like a lawn mower. Feelings don't work that way. Hers changed and no matter how I slice it or dice it result is same. She won't feel same way again. Attraction is gone and love was prob never really there. But for sure attraction is gone. I can't solve this and make her want me or act in ways that I wish she did.

I remember today a girl I lost feelings for when I realized we had little in common and some things she did my attraction just plummeted. Didn't even want to have sex anymore. I made excuses and tried to avoid spending time with her too. Felt so bad because she was so loving and sweet but I grew bored of her and I lost interest. She did nothing wrong. So I stayed with her far too long out of guilt. I cheated on her and she never knew. Again karma. The cheating didn't lessen my feeling for her it was a result of it. And the person I did it with was so much more my type it made it even more clear we were not a good match. My current ex says this towards the end (nothing in common).

My old flame did nothing wrong. I just changed my perception of her and nothing she could say or do could make me feel attracted again. Ironically she broke up first (which I should have in this case) and my desire for her skyrocketed but it was just reaction to having control taken away.

So perhaps this is karma coming to pay a visit in a strange way.

Need to be more proactive in moving forward and stop trying solve something that is unsolvable. Feelings. She isn't going to call and even if did because missed certain parts of our past doesn't mean wants me back. Just as I could never go back with that woman.

Last edited by hp1; 11th March 2019 at 10:50 AM..
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Old 11th March 2019, 1:34 PM   #107
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There is no way to avoid the pain or fast-forward through it. Some people jump right into a new relationship to try to mask it, but that doesn't really work.

Viewing her loss of attraction through your own lens and experience with that is the right way to look at this situation. Put yourself in her shoes the next time you want to make contact, and imagine it's a woman you're not attracted to trying to do the same with you. It becomes an annoyance, and that's the last thing you want to be.

I am sure she did initially find you attractive and what not, but her feelings changed based upon the entire experience. That's not unusual, that's why they call it "dating." It's also why I know that if you would have shared your depression, it would have just been another nail in the coffin. You were not to a point in the relationship where this woman was part of your support structure and would have been there to help you. Quite the opposite.
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Old 11th March 2019, 11:10 PM   #108
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Thank you for that. New medicine and therapy not helping much.
I've placed her in this elevated status above me where all her faults she saw in me I've internalized and agree with. In my mind I wasn't successful or interesting enough for her and she lost interest. I'm deducing that I couldn't hold on to an attractive, confident, smart, sexy woman. I never even considered all the options she had since thought she rested loved me regardless. I was naive. Hypergamy is new word and concept for me. Late in life to learn it. Now I imagine her with this other successful guy who is confident and he is getting her laughs, her body, her attention. My confidence is so low now that I hesitate to even smile and chat with women because feel without solid career and social life who would be interested?

She isn't thinking about me at all and that makes me really sad. After all we shared and did together. She'll never see me as that confident, attractive guy again no matter how many changes I make. That makes me sad too.

Bit down today obviously. But haven't contacted.
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Old 12th March 2019, 8:44 PM   #109
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Feel frustrated and bit angry today. Mostly at myself but also at the situation. No matter how much I want to be working right now the things I'm going after are aren't panning out. This is the time when I could really use a break and would help lift me up. People who know about this who previously supported me I guess got sick of hearing about it or judged me in some way for not walking away so now are shunning me from the social circle I once enjoyed. I've stoped talking about this issue and try be cheerful and engaging but it's like they won't accept me back into the group so to speak. That makes me mad because I'm the one in pain why should I be shunned? Then with her just keep getting images of her with someone with normal and good job who she respects and is laughing and having fun, glad she escaped this guy with no direction and friends who acted weak. I don't want to wake up with these feelings and thoughts. So frustrated at everything. And many things about it I can't change or control. But still wanting things to be different nonetheless. So many mistakes I made with handling this whole thing. It's like I blew up my life.

No one sees me the same anymore and I can't undo it. I'm angry at her for causing all the problems but I know ultimately it's my fault getting into this vocational problem and letting relationship affect me too much.

Last edited by hp1; 12th March 2019 at 11:53 PM..
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Old 13th March 2019, 2:31 AM   #110
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Given the way you describe your life - depression, no friends, no job, no hobbies - I think being in a relationship (or being dumped by someone) is the smallest of your problems.

Not trying to be mean but I think you should really focus on getting better at those things. There's always something to be done to improve your mental health (therapy, meditation, reading), your physical health, your education and career prospects.

I know it all sounds a bit scary to go after all these things but given you see yourself at the rock bottom, the positive side is that you can become better more quickly.

If I were you I'd completely forget women exist (unless maybe for some quick sex to satisfy your needs) and would focus on your life and how to fix the problems you mention. Or just at least try to get involved in things you like to do, try to get some satisfaction out of your daily life. Even if it's just a movie, cooking a healthy meal, etc.

To me it seems that you think a relationship will fix all your problems but that's not the case as you notice it first hand. Your extreme focus on her and who she might be with is just useless. It will only contribute to your demise, not your success.

Just try to become at least a little better everyday and you may be on your way to being happy and more accepting of yourself. If you don't accept yourself an your shortcomings (we all have those), you'll never be happy. Not even a relationship with a hot, confident woman will change that.
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Old 13th March 2019, 5:44 AM   #111
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thank you, great viewpoint and reply. So let me paint a clearer picture.

depression: wasn't before but started during the relationship. of course its much worse now she dumped me.

friends: havent had real or good friends in years. just people from gym or coworkers etc. Because I talked their ear off with this and I didnt follow their advice, now even those people avoid me like a lepper. Just when need friends the most.

job I tried having my own business here so its not like a lost a job, but I did lose clients and income. Now I am looking for a regular job but am still doing some clients on the side.

hobbies never had a lot outside of fitness. I exercise every day and it used to give me a good bump but now I dont notice any difference my mood.

Eating before her (and during a little bit) used to cook for myself and eat very healthy. After she broke up and got back with me, I decided to take her out all the time to keep her entertained. once depression started I stopped cooking and am eating junk all the time. except for breakfast.

met with therapist today. will work some of those things. hard to do even laundry but I have to make changes and stop trying figure out who she with and what happened as you say. it just bring me down more.

I can see now how much I depended on her to feel good about myself. way way too much. now she gone so her rejection is my rejection. Im not sure how to become more accepting. Right now I just feel lower than everyone I see on the street. Self esteem never been this low. Ill try small things.

For one thing at least I know a woman can not save me. I guess unconsciously I thought she could. Thats big part of why she left I guess.

The worst part? im left with this nagging feeling that she is better than me and was right to leave as I dont have much to offer (passive, boring, fear, clingy, lack of drive and clear goals, immature thinking /naive (she said this) ...etc)., I do have some good qualities but these really kill attraction.

Last edited by hp1; 13th March 2019 at 5:57 AM..
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Old 13th March 2019, 2:44 PM   #112
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Quote:
friends: havent had real or good friends in years. just people from gym or coworkers etc. Because I talked their ear off with this and I didnt follow their advice, now even those people avoid me like a lepper. Just when need friends the most.

job I tried having my own business here so its not like a lost a job, but I did lose clients and income. Now I am looking for a regular job but am still doing some clients on the side.
I remember a time over 20 years ago when an old friend from childhood lost his girlfriend. She broke up with him because he was basically a loser, for lack of a better term. He wasn't working and he was smoking pot and drinking all the time - not traits most women find attractive.

At first, all of us friends were consoling him, trying to help him, etc. In the beginning, it seemed normal for every conversation with him to be dominated by the breakup and how great she was and how much he missed her. But after several weeks of this turned into months of incessant complaining about the loss of her, we'd all heard it too many times and we were tired of it, especially since he heeded none of the advice we all tried to help him with. We started talking among each other about how draining it was, and we stopped hanging out with him as much. He was a real downer.

This guy spent the better part of 2 years lamenting the loss of this woman, and by gawd were we all sick of it. We had offered him all the best support we could muster, but nothing resonated, and he wasn't making any changes in his life to address the reasons he lost her. Any human being will tire of this crap.

I am not comparing you to him, I am merely speaking from the standpoint of somebody who has been in a situation where a friend was really affected by a breakup. I don't honestly think his pain was any worse than anybody's when they go through a breakup, he was just outwardly verbal and wasn't challenging himself to make changes and better himself.

Eventually, he moved on and found another girlfriend, and he didn't talk about the old one anymore.
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Old 13th March 2019, 9:47 PM   #113
hp1
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I appreciate your intention but I'm not sure what to say to your post. You didn't directly compare me to your friend but loosely you did to make the analogy. Did you have to use the word loser and associate with being jobless? Im feeling bad enough as it is. I'm not a drug user or drinker and I'm also in a serious depression for months having been with a shady person who eroded trust snd my sense of self. If I had stronger boundaries I would have left but I wanted it to work out and thought if loved her enough she might change. Naive I know.

The friends I spoke with was not for 2 years. Maybe 5-6 times in total over 2 months. Problem I made is they were not good enough friends to be hearing all this despite their eagerness to help and listen in beginning. The fact I was not in a place to be strong enough to take their advice (to leave) doesn't mean I didn't agree in some part of my mind. They said nothing is changing so not much more they can say. But even after telling them she broke up with me, they continue to ignore me instead of being there as friends to help me get through this. I dont even mention her anymore and just try be cheerful but it's like they made up their mind and created image of me they don't want to let go of.

I know your point is to show me how annoying it is to be the listener, but I'm not close to being in your friends case. so because someone is not in a place to take good advice for whatever reason (fear, attachment) he should be forever shunned? The mistake I made was thinking these people were actually friends rather than just people I know from a class. They offered support and I took them up on their offer.

Anyway, if I had more friends I wouldn't have to rely on semi-strangers for this kind of support from them.

I'm struggling to keep hopeful and my head above water each day looking for some reason to get up. I'm alone in this and trying not to go under.

Some days I feel stronger and I feel angry at her and blame her for not communicating these issues earlier and not working on our issues together. Other days I blame myself entirely for not being stronger to do what I needed to do and not heeding the signs. She was unhappy for last 4 months of our 1 year relationship and probably just stayed out of guilt because I had done nothing wrong per se and she probably my liked the security but felt trapped. I guess this is why isn't contacting me and must be happy now to be away from me and out getting new validation and attention from guys she deems higher value.

She is social to the point of extreme and tons of guy friends and I'm a bit introverted and not many friends. I didn't think this bothered her but I've since learned about this idea of "social proof" and "dating value". I guess I thought people just love and accept you for who you are. Naive I guess as I said. I know exactly some things I did killed her attraction (too availabl, needy, not challenging or standing up to her, not having interesting life) but I'll never know how much other things like I don't have same level of fashion/style, money, or her just never being committed from the beginning played a part.

I know it's impossible to know exactly and I guess that's why people get stuck after being left. I doubt I'm the only one based on how many articles and posts about this, on this site alone.

I want to make these changes and know I need to. I'm looking for jobs, contacting old friends, seeing career coaches, therapist, tried medication but decided not for now. I mediated 2 days in a row and did 2 loads of laundry. For me this is some progress.

I notice 2 voices in my mind. One that wants to move out of this and make good choices and the other that feels it's hopeless and wants to give up.

Last edited by hp1; 13th March 2019 at 10:01 PM..
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Old 14th March 2019, 3:43 AM   #114
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I know tryin to help and appreciate it. Just a bit sensitive I guess because of my outlook right now. I get your point. Im not talking about it anymore with those people. We will see if they can forget in time.

Havent contracted but still getting pangs of feeling wronged by her and uncomfortable with this lasting image she must have of me now, instead of a more balanced one. Especially if with someone now who has more of what looking for or generally more balanced. Keep having trouble accepting she really didnt love me that much or was ever truly invested.
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Old 14th March 2019, 6:43 AM   #115
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Today I only spent 1.5 hours reading abiy breakups instead of whole day. Thought about her of course. But today managed to
- meet with recruiter for advice
- think of ways promote my business
- contacted realtor about find new space
- talked to 1 stranger
- asked someone at gym if like to have lunch sometime
- had hard workout
- smiled more
- brought my lunch and less junk.

It's a start
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Old 14th March 2019, 10:48 AM   #116
hp1
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Starting to feel angry more now. What I wish could say to her is "after all we have been through and as well as I treated you, you can't even give me a straight and honest reason why leaving? Your kid is not the reason. It's bull****". And so she gets to walk away from this without having to face the shame of going behind my back (probably) and lining up another and cheating (most likely)? She can just waltz right into next relationship leaving me with lies and trauma as a consolation prize. Well I guess it's a rude awakening to how some people operate. Will never trust a woman again, not after this it's not worth the risk and pain. **** I'm an idiot
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Old 14th March 2019, 10:57 AM   #117
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OMG, this apple is rotten inside, I will never eat another apple for as long as I live...
Madness eh?
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Old 14th March 2019, 8:24 PM   #118
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If you got terribly terribly sick from the apple then yea..it makes sense to steer clear of apples (serious relationships). I see your point and I know there are good people out there. But seems my picker is off so I don't trust my judgement. At least now

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Old 15th March 2019, 6:11 AM   #119
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As a dumpee, how handle regret, anger, and desire to know why?

Been 1 week NC, 2 weeks post breakup (was dumped as many of you know).
1 year relationship, she dumped me before (this is 2nd time). Treated me like crap to get me to end it, but eventually she did it. Shady behavior from her the whole time which kept me always off balance.

Have not looked at her social media or reached out so 7 solid days NC. Still struggling a lot and not sure how to process or let go of these things feeling and thinking. Keep swirling around in my head most of the time.

Any other dumpees have advice how to make progress with the following.

REGRET that...
- was clingy and smothered her the more she pulled away
- didnt make effort to maintain my own identity and that killed her attraction
- didn't stand up for myself as she got more disrespectful.
- didn't heed the signs to either change my approach or just end things myself.
- I wont get another chance to show my best self to at least know I did my best

ANGER at
- even I did all I could to show her love, I wasn't enough for her.
- She treated me so badly at the end despite how well I treated her
- she didn't care enough about rel.to talk about the issues and work on them.
- she was probably playing me the whole time, never giving whole truth
- myself that I was naive not to see this (or did but just wished it wasn't true)
- that she got over the relationship WHILE IN IT it and is happy now but Im left in this emotional hell
- having to be alone now.
- that someone else is getting her attention and affection now.
- at myself for not trying harder to correct my side of the issues.

DESIRE to know....
- Did she ever consider us in a relationship or did I make it up?
- did she cheat or not and if so with was the person I think it was?
- what was the real reason of all the many she said?
- did she ever love me or just played the part while she was just entered for a while then left when wasn't fun anymore.

I have days where I am really mad at her and feel OK about not being with her. Then other days where completely bash myself for failing being able to keep her.
Right or wrong, thats what comes up.

Anyone have success in dealing with the above and if so, what did you do?

Last edited by hp1; 15th March 2019 at 6:14 AM..
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Old 15th March 2019, 7:36 AM   #120
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moving on w/o closure: was she cheating and left me for someone else?

Part of me WANTS to know so I know I wasn't crazy and those signs I saw were true. I want to know so I know what kind of person I was really with and gave my all to.

At the same time, I DON'T want to know because it would be really more painful, especially if it was with someone I know. I think I'd sink to another level of anger and depression.

Of course even I ask, I wont get the truth. I missed my window while in the relationship to get proof since only way would have been hiring a private detective.

I dont talk with her (NC 1 week) and I dont look at her social media because I dont want to see more questionable signs (many likes of a guys posts or photos that could be something but maybe not).

I want to know but I don't. how to move forward with this gnawing question?
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