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Getting cold and disrespectful to get me to break up first? **Updated**


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 2nd March 2019, 12:08 AM   #46
hp1
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I know I have received great advice here and appreciate it. I'm just so trapped in fear that I couldn't bring myself to execute. It was not that I didn't agree with it
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Old 2nd March 2019, 12:15 AM   #47
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The thing is, man, you've got this. You CAN handle it. It does not matter whatsoever WHY this woman is leaving you. She is making up excuses, changing her story but the fact of the matter is, she is not interested in a relationship with you anymore. Yes, that hurts, but it's reality.

Do you really think you would feel better if she said "hey, the reason I'm leaving you is I've met another guy and he's incredible and I'm sleeping with him now?" Of course you wouldn't. All you needed to know in the first place was that she had lost interest in you. From that moment, you should have immediately bailed.

Let this whole thing be a learning experience. Understand that you have attracted this woman, so you will be able to attract many others like her, even better. This is a BIG world, with millions upon millions of women in your age group alone. This isn't the end of your life. You can work on yourself, get healthy, then emerge a stronger person.
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Old 2nd March 2019, 12:42 AM   #48
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Thank you, I appreciate the support and wisdom. I dont see a clear path to a career here (im living abroad and want to stay) or even back home and maybe that is the depression or just poor choices I made until now.

If I dont know the real reason, then I cant work on it in case there is chance in future. I would not feel better if knew was another guy but it might make me see her in negative light and know I wasn't crazy. But chance that I would still obsess over why and nothing would change. I have feeling she just wants to be free to be with this persons and I fell short of the mark for too long.

The thing is, at least now, I dont want any other woman. I just want her. I have no idea how to fix my job issue and the depression is getting worse. The friends and opportunities I did have are tainted since ive talked about this issue with them too much. My professional and personal reputations has been affected by this issue with her. She was all I had and I ruined everything and now dont even have her to show for it.
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Old 2nd March 2019, 5:43 AM   #49
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the circuluar reasoning is playing in my head ( I know I know, pointless). But to say first its because her kids need more attention, then to say its because doesn't se future with my job here and unstable life. I say if I get good job, then? she say s dont feel love anymore. Its like she leaves no room or desire to try. Id like to know how much was my fault with the neediness and not telling her about my depression earlier (which affected my drive), and how much was her character from the start. She said if I had great job then we could be married, but she doesn't think I can do it at my age and situation here. So she must be seeing other guy for long time and waiting to finally get rid of me. Just a feeling, but could be wrong. I know, whats the point of knowing. Might help me hate her more than pining for her. But she will never tell me. So I cant know. Today I will not text her.

I was so freaked out last night by this I asked can we sell talk and text and she said yes, but I know I dont want that or can handle it. Ill may reply if she text me but I wont text her. She eFFIN broke my heart. I was hesitant to open to love again because I know I cant handle breakups but I took a chance since I thought she was a keeper. Big mistake.

If I knew she left me for another guy I dont know if get over faster since angry and betrayed or take longer. Either way, I cant believe she gave up instead of trying to talk to me about these issues earlier. Im just venting and writing, instead of texting her...thanks
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Old 2nd March 2019, 12:49 PM   #50
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the circuluar reasoning is playing in my head ( I know I know, pointless). But to say first its because her kids need more attention, then to say its because doesn't se future with my job here and unstable life. I say if I get good job, then? she say s dont feel love anymore. Its like she leaves no room or desire to try. Id like to know how much was my fault with the neediness and not telling her about my depression earlier (which affected my drive), and how much was her character from the start. She said if I had great job then we could be married, but she doesn't think I can do it at my age and situation here. So she must be seeing other guy for long time and waiting to finally get rid of me. Just a feeling, but could be wrong. I know, whats the point of knowing. Might help me hate her more than pining for her. But she will never tell me. So I cant know. Today I will not text her.

I was so freaked out last night by this I asked can we sell talk and text and she said yes, but I know I dont want that or can handle it. Ill may reply if she text me but I wont text her. She eFFIN broke my heart. I was hesitant to open to love again because I know I cant handle breakups but I took a chance since I thought she was a keeper. Big mistake.

If I knew she left me for another guy I dont know if get over faster since angry and betrayed or take longer. Either way, I cant believe she gave up instead of trying to talk to me about these issues earlier. Im just venting and writing, instead of texting her...thanks
Dude, one thing you've got to understand about women, and I've experienced this myself over the last couple of years, is that they don't take too kindly to being made accountable for their emotions. Women act on their emotions, hence why many of their actions can't be deconstructed to make sense of in a logical way.

Wanting to know "why" is actually irrelevant. The pursuit of "why" will lead you down a frustrating path but ultimately fruitless path in most cases. Only very recently I yearned for the knowldge of "why" as well. Knowing "why" can help me understand and make better choices in the future, so it was in my best interest to glean some kind of explanation for a situation. Why also can help give closure.

Now, the problem here is that why isn't simply a black and white concept when it comes to women. The reality is that she is no longer attracted to you. That's really all you need to know. "When someone acts like they don't care about you then you should believe them."

You WILL NOT get any closure from seeking out why! Why? Well, you won't get an honest answer in most cases. You'll get the answer which she thinks will be the easiest for you to digest and move on. At least if she's a half decent person. See, the brutal truth is something very few women can handle when received. So, it stands to reason that in most cases, women also have a hard time delivering the brutal, honest truth.

You see, women are akin to electricity when it comes to actually facing harsh, emotional realities in relationships. They will take the path of least resitence. Especially in the case of your relationship, there's no way this woman will want to tell you the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. If she's already headed for the exit, you can be damn sure she's going to say whatever it takes to pave the easiest path to get there. "Why" is just an encumberance, so you can be damn sure that she'll navigate around that the quickest way possible.

Men and women engage in relationships for different reasons, but the objective is always the same. It's always self serving. If two people meet, both fall in love together then it is fair to say that at that static moment in time, the transaction of two self serving individuals have reached an equalibrium.

The problems start to arise when that balance starts to move in any which direction. Whether this woman ever loved you is probably up for debate, but what is certain is that whatever it was that culminated in her finding you initially attractive has diminished in some way.

Of course, you're going to want to know "why". It's going to drive you crazy as you'll think, "if I just know the one, two or however many little things I need to fix then I'll be able to win her back, right?" Wrong! I mean, let's just entertain the notion for a second that it's even possible to get a somewhat accurate account of why, you're going ro do one of two things. One, you'll walk away with whatever dignity you still have in check.

Unfortunately in your case, you will most certainly do the second thing, and that is to scramble to try and fix the thing/s which she's told you which need fixing. Immediately this will cause her to lose even more respect for you, assuming the behavior exhibited by this woman can be traced back to her having lost respect for you to begin with. And, let's face it, no woman who has the utmost respect for their man goes cold or pulls away. Quite the contrary; a woman who respects their man completely sees their man as complete, so she'll do whatever it is she can to keep herself relevant. But, I digress...

The thing about this woman is, for whatever reason she's going cold, it's a message she's sending you. She's not going to tell you directly what her problem is. She's either angry and hurting, or she wants to leave you but can't muster up the courage to dump you. Either way, she's trying to tell you SOMETHING and only hopes that you get the message, and act upon it in the way in which she hopes you will. She's outcome driven, but too emotionally immature or weak to actually communicate this to you straight, so she's doing it in the only way she knows how to; through passive-aggressive ways.

Honestly man, just realize that it's over and get out of the relationship. You need to do a lot of introspection. I have been lately. It's been enlightening. Learn to only rely on yourself for emotional support. Learn to fill your life with activities that give you, yourself meaning and purpose. Learn that you should never, ever give someone the power to your happiness.

"A man's loyalty is tested when he starts becoming successful and a woman's loyalty is tested when her man's success starts diminishing"

That quote is absolutely true. Many men and women stave off any thoughts of transgressing if other aspects of the union are still positive enough to maintain some sort of an equilibrium. Unfortunately, in your case they aren't. Your girlfriend has at least spoken with you about your lack of success. However, if she was still being fulfilled in other ways, it may not be a deal breaker. As it stands, what you bring to the table is no longer keeping her engaged. The deal is off to her, and now she's exploring her options.

Take it as a lesson, don't take it to heart. Use this experience as a way to learn, move on and grow so you can continue to attract viable partners. Remember, you landed her, so you can land someone else. Half the battle is already won when they agree to be your girlfriend. The hardest part is keeping them, however, understanding how they work instead of trying to understand why they, women, work the way they do, will provide you with the best possible chance of keeping them.

Just finally, in future you should try to be of the view that it's never be your job to convince someone why they should stay with you, it should be them trying to convince you why you should keep them around. Know your worth, act your worth and they'll know it, too. If they don't appreciate your worth then send them packing - they were never right for you to begin with. Just like this woman!

Last edited by Trail Blazer; 2nd March 2019 at 1:00 PM..
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Old 2nd March 2019, 1:44 PM   #51
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Trail Blazer has made some excellent points. Read his post multiple times.

To reiterate: IT DOES NOT MATTER WHY she wants to end it, the only thing that matters is that she wants to end it. That is the only message you needed to hear.

This is not meant as an insult to you, but any self-respecting man would leave immediately when a woman tells him that she has lost interest in him, does not want to have a relationship anymore, etc. They are gone like the wind.

This woman has tried everything she knows, short of telling you to eff off and to never call her again, to show that she does not want a relationship with you anymore. When you are pressing her for reasons she's trying different ones to see what will work to get you to go away. Yet you are acting like a stage 5 clinger. It's making you look weak and pathetic in her eyes. She has told you as much, yet you're asking if you can still text her, etc., while she sees/sleeps with other guys? C'mon, man, this is really, really weak, needy and bad.

You HAVE to wake up and start looking at the behavior you are displaying. It's not acceptable as a man in a relationship. Women want a guy who is strong, in control of himself, and who doesn't make a woman the center of his universe. Your whole identity became her, and you weren't working on your life or being the best version of you that you could be. I'd argue you are not even ready for any relationship right now.
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Old 2nd March 2019, 10:33 PM   #52
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Very good points thank you. I guess you might have missed the last few posts where she dumped me. She gave me her reasons but I know it's not the whole story. You guys make great points and I agree with everything you are writing. I already know my behavior is st least part of why she left. Other parts may be on her like maybe never being committed to wanting a full on relationship which are not about me. But what you are hearing is that I'm EXPERIENCING my own worth having gone through this experience with her. My esteem wasnt super high to begin with but I was confident, happy, ok with my work and felt ok about myself. Being with this woman and the intermittent reinforcement she gave me and mixed signals just wiped out any esteem I had. All the comments towards the end how my thinking was wrong on this or that and how she was never ever wrong made me doubt myself. She is a narcissist and they play mind games. If you read my posts she was always shady and I never felt secure in the relationship but I kept hoping if I loved her enough she would. I'm not blaming her but my particular history and abandonment issues combined with her cluster B type personality just made a toxic mix. I didn't have it in me to stop. I invested so much emotion, time, effort, hope, resources, and let my whole life be affected in a negative way that to lose her meant it was for no reason and I end up alone with nothing to show for it.

Point is I know person with worth in their eyes would leave I get that. What you are g hearing is I lost what worth I had being with this woman and believing all she said of me combined with uncertainty about career and life choices made until now.

So please need to keep saying how weak I acted. I know what I did wrong. I already know that. It's just making me feel worse to hear how I failed with her over and over. What I need to do is figure out how to get out of this depression the relationship caused and start to find some esteem again. She is gone. I said I wanted to keep texting her while still reeling from her acting saying she can't do anymore. I haven't texted for 36 hours. Also I'ts not helpful to imagine her sleeping with someone so I'd rather not think abouf it. Especially I have no proof or she told me there is someone else although I know it's likely.

I know the general reasons why or some of them and I'll work on them to make me better in future for whoever. Right now I'm trying figure out hue cope with this while severe depression, no friends or famuky or work while in foreign country. So please temper back on how lame I've been. This is the worst period of my life

I told her once while things were great between us and both happy that "you are the best thing that ever happened to me. And I meant it, that's how much I loved her. Her reply was how do you know I'm not going to be the worst thing that ever happened to you? Writing on the wall

Last edited by hp1; 2nd March 2019 at 10:36 PM..
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Old 2nd March 2019, 11:15 PM   #53
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When I was talking about your weak, needy behavior, I was referring to this:


Quote:
...I was so freaked out last night by this I asked can we sell talk and text and she said yes...

The sentence indicates you were still talking to her last night despite all that has happened. You should not be talking to this woman anymore. Period. Given what you've posted about her, I don't even know what you see in her.


I promise you this: You are making things MUCH harder for yourself by continuing to be in contact with this woman. The best way forward for yourself and your mental and physical health is to delete every form of contact you have for her and move on.
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Old 2nd March 2019, 11:31 PM   #54
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That asking her about texting was at the end of her break up call with me on the phone. She sent me a text the next morning wishing me good day and I replied hours later with thanks. I haven't texted since and struggling now not to do so but I'm not. I know it changes nothing. Despite our unhealthy relationship, as I mentioned with no friends or family here, she was all I had so it's hard but I'm refraining hour by hour. It's an addiction and a trauma bond I guess. I'm not defending it I'm just saying what I'm experiencing. We can crave something that isn't good for us and realizing it's not good doesn'tage ht easier. I don't smoke but I could say to someone "I don't know why you would want to do something so harmfulness to yourself, even you know it". So it's like that. Anyway that comment was made in a panic state and during the break up call from her. I'm not 100 percent Jedi master of my emotions I felt panic at hearing this news and reacted. That's it. I regret making the statement but now fighting not to contact. You can't explain or rationalize attachment or addiction to something or someone. I'm just trying to cope with this and a major depressive episode fur the last 5 months. Of course I'm not going to say or display strong attractive traits. I don't know if you have ever been in a clinical depression but it every aspect of your being. Trying my best here man. Appreciate the support and being here and getting replies is helping despite what I may seem like

I fell for the wrong girl, a flirty, selfish attention whore who drinks too much, incites jealousy, and has promiscuous past. I thought my love and attention would be enough for her but it wasnt. Her style sparked all my anxieties and insecurities and I fell apart. End of story so to speak. She always had one foot out the door.

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Old 2nd March 2019, 11:48 PM   #55
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I invested so much emotion, time, effort, hope, resources, and let my whole life be affected in a negative way that to lose her meant it was for no reason and I end up alone with nothing to show for it.
You fell for the Sunk Cost Fallacy. I've done the same thing before, it's hard and I get it.

I am sorry, I did miss the part where you said she'd dumped you. She got tired of waiting for you to do it so she did it for you. I'm sorry for the pain you must be going through, but this is certainly the best outcome.

You have a lot of healing to do and you also need to seek professional help for your depression.

Know that nothing said here should be taken personally. I don't think anyone has set out to try and make you feel lousy. Anything that's come across as harsh has been delivered with the intention of it being thought provoking for your own benefit.
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Old 3rd March 2019, 12:14 AM   #56
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Keep in mind that text on the screen here appears much harsher than it really is. The responses you have received here are based upon the facts you have shared. I can tell you this: You can do much, much better than this woman. For your own dignity, self-respect and mental health, it is of the utmost importance you go no contact completely to begin healing.
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Old 3rd March 2019, 1:29 AM   #57
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thank you everyone, I know there are 'snap out of it' types of help and many styles to motivate someone - its all appreciated trust me. Im grateful the time and intention. I just have her so high up on a pedestal and see her admirable qualities (strong, confident, intelligent, lively, social, funny) as well as our physical relationship and her being beautiful to me (physically) - and not seeing the dark side that react to just this. I will keep writing all the ****ty things she did and things I dont like to see if balances out.

Its almost like stockholm syndrome where you start to agree with you abuser or adapt their views.

Once I told her early i in the honeymoon period that "you are the best thing that ever happened to me". and I meant it. I was so happy. She said "how do you know I wont be the WORST thing to ever happen to you?", I felt bothered by her reply and confused and asked why would you say that. She explained that no way to tell how it wlll work out and no one knows. I disagreed with her then, but have lost myself and identity so much in this relationship, that now I guess she has a point and turned out she was right. This is the worst thing ive been through romantically.

Little statements like that or she would often say "if you ever feel you cant be with me, i'd be sad but I would understand if you couldn't deal with me anymore and my situation" (kids, no time..etc). Or "I feel so bad for you" or "im such a bad girlfriend, I dont know why you are with me". Things she said like that and couldn't explain exactly what she meant by it just created splinters in my mind that made me feel really insecure with her and never comfortable she was mine entirely. Talking with every man we came in contact with didn't help either. I think it would take a super confident guy to be with this woman.

Once at a beach party she was drunk and this guy we just met was sitting in a chair (he was drunk too) and we talked with him and she poured a drink in his mouth by touching his chin to open his mouth and pour it in. At the same party, she let another guy we just met lift her above his head to try an acrobatic pose she wanted to try. My shoulder hurt so couldn't do it. (she is a dancer). I told her I didnt like both of these things and it was not right. She said she liked that I got jealous. I should have left right then. No wonder I never felt secure. But I already fell hard for her.

No excuse I know. But these are the things that affected me to get me to where I am now which is an emotional wreck. I KNOW I should have bailed and not tolerated it. I know...but I kept rationalizing since I loved her so much. Anyway, some of the background and this was when things were actually pretty normal (before the pulling away and acting cold).

Last edited by hp1; 3rd March 2019 at 2:13 AM..
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Old 3rd March 2019, 1:00 PM   #58
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Do you really think you would feel better if she said "hey, the reason I'm leaving you is I've met another guy and he's incredible and I'm sleeping with him now?"
In my case, I actually would. Then again, I've always been transparent and prefer the same in the people I date.
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Old 3rd March 2019, 1:38 PM   #59
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Iím finding this thread heartbreaking.

Op, there would have been some point in your life before you met your ex that you were happy. What were you doing then? What was going on in your life? You need to have faith that you can get back to that place. Replicate what was happening then to help you get through now.

You will get through this but you need to believe it and you need to help yourself.

Iíll say one thing I donít think youíve considered: I donít actually think youíre in a place to have a relationship with anyone at the moment. Emotionally I donít think youíre ready. You need to focus on you, particularly in building your self esteem. You also need to focus on managing your depression and sorting your employment situation out. Once youíre in a better place and emotionally and financially healthier- then you will be ready for a relationship.


You sound like a really good decent person. Donít lose that! However you will find that as your self esteem builds so will your boundaries. You will look back at this and in the end be grateful it happened as she would have never shown you the respect you deserve
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Old 4th March 2019, 6:18 AM   #60
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Having tough time today. reading about NC to try to help with the urge to contact. To know the real reasons (I know never get), to know why she could just give up and not communicate to me and work together on this? Was she ever really in this and I just projected the whole thing? I dont know. It just kills me because I think of her and the memories are coming in (good ones). That person from the honeymoon phase is gone I know, but I can still see her in my mind and remember how good it felt. or maybe I liked how I felt about me and thats what I miss . That this sexy, stylish, fit, hottie acted like I was the best thing since sliced bread. She is so outgoing, funny, smart...she knows how to capture any guys attention easily. So I know she has guys lined up and probably had before we finished. Me on the other hand had no backups like an idiot so I am left alone and devastated now while she is out having fun. Im not being a victim here (ok a little) but I cant see how she could do this since I never ever treated her with a harsh word and always tried to make sure she was having fun. But the neediness and smothering I guess cancelled that out. I guess I liked her so much I didnt think about what I SHOULD do to maintain interest, I just did what I felt which was talk everyday and try to meet her as often as I could. I should have kept focus but I see that now. The worst are thoughts of her with a guy, its hard to deal with those, but nothing I can do. its probably happening. She left me. She doest care anymore and probably checked out 3-4 months ago. I did ask her why distant but she either said its my imagination or nothing wrong.

Anyway, not texting her today.
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