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Getting cold and disrespectful to get me to break up first? **Updated**


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 27th February 2019, 9:05 AM   #31
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Trail Blazer, not to hijack the OP's thread, but if you're saying you're getting the short end of the stick with your girlfriend, why don't you just break up? Why put yourself in the vulnerable position of asking her to decide your future?

I know, easier said than done... However, you seem certain that you don't wish to continue this. Not sure why don't you just take ownership of the situation and make a decision yourself.
Because I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt until we talk things through. I'm also not getting hung up like the OP. This situation is really affecting OP negatively. It's crystal clear in OP's case that the woman he's with doesn't want to be with him. It's not the case of being so clear in mine, yet... it just feels that way.

If and when my gf doesn't want to move forward with the relationship I won't be hanging around, begging her to change her mind. If her issues are outside my control to fix, it's untenable. I do hope OP realizes that no relationship is worth more than your own self respect and being in a relationship doesn't define your self-worth.
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Old 27th February 2019, 2:01 PM   #32
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Originally Posted by Morello View Post
Trail Blazer, not to hijack the OP's thread, but if you're saying you're getting the short end of the stick with your girlfriend, why don't you just break up? Why put yourself in the vulnerable position of asking her to decide your future?

This is such an important point, and one that a lot of guys are ignoring. When a woman goes cold and starts mistreating you, you send her packing, because there is never a good reason to allow somebody to treat you poorly.

Further, when a guy resorts to trying to talk a woman into not leaving him, it's OVER. You are losing respect by the minute. That is not in the least bit attractive to them. Women want a strong man who has the spine to say "I completely understand, I wish you the best" and then move on.

Has there ever been a lasting relationship where the woman says "gee, I was trying to dump him for the longest time but he talked me into staying and I love him so much?" No.
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Old 28th February 2019, 12:37 AM   #33
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I just wanted to know the reason behind and see if was something I could work on to see if could salvage it. If she really wanted to be done with me I dont think she would still be talking with me. Ive done a lot of needy behavior and lost a lot of respect. I am sure she is going on dates to see her options, which she has many. I know its probably too late, but I want to try addressing her issue and see. I have an unhealthy dependence on her I know this. I guess because of feeling bad about myself and how I let this ruin so much in my life, there is not much there to stand up for. Im not seeing value and I need to find somehow and quickly.
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Old 28th February 2019, 9:06 AM   #34
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Sometimes you are not compatible. She wants someone different than you. Apparently she didn't like version 1, so you became a more passive version and she didn't like version 2.


I like to date women who are independent but also warm and sweet. It makes it hard because the more independent women I date are more abrupt and have a hard edge but the sweet women are very passive. If I don't find the right mix I have to move on because trying to change my preferences doesn't work and trying to change them to fit doesn't work either.


I will say it sounds like you know being passive and needy is not going to work with most other women so the first step of not being so Beta for lack of a better word, is step up like a man and end it. Tell her directly you two are not a fit and you are moving on. Then, actually move on. It doesn't sound like this will ever work between you two, but if you take charge and move on she will respect you and YOU will respect you.
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Old 28th February 2019, 9:30 AM   #35
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From what you write, the things she says to you and the things she does are not in any way attractive or appealing. The only positive things you've described are how you think she's so hot and physically perfect.

Your priorities are way, way off. If you aren't willing or able to see that and seek and demand something better for yourself (hotter is NOT better), then there's not much anyone here can do to help you.

Obsession with your love for someone to the point that you cannot give appropriate attention to other areas (your career) is a huge red flag that you are in a dysfunctional unhealthy relationship.

Consider talking to a counselor to help understand why you are so obsessed with her. What you describe IS obsession - not healthy love.
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Old 28th February 2019, 12:30 PM   #36
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I just wanted to know the reason behind and see if was something I could work on to see if could salvage it. If she really wanted to be done with me I dont think she would still be talking with me. Ive done a lot of needy behavior and lost a lot of respect. I am sure she is going on dates to see her options, which she has many. I know its probably too late, but I want to try addressing her issue and see. I have an unhealthy dependence on her I know this. I guess because of feeling bad about myself and how I let this ruin so much in my life, there is not much there to stand up for. Im not seeing value and I need to find somehow and quickly.

Your weak, needy behavior was/is a turnoff to her, yet you continue it. The kind of man who allows a woman to date other men while he waits around, hoping she will not find anything better and choose to stay with him is a cuckold. You've happily accepted doormat status, while you continue to grovel at her feet.
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Old 1st March 2019, 2:30 AM   #37
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I know you are trying to make a point but adding some of those words and saying I'm happily accepting is not true. Im not happy. I'm in a bad state right now where I realize what I need to do but having trouble executing. The negative casts on me are just making me feel worse than I do. Yes I've lost my self esteem but shaming me about it is not going to help. No need to add that layer. I'm already really struggling to hold it together.
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Old 1st March 2019, 7:15 AM   #38
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No one wants to make you feel bad. The "negative" things are trying to make you see reality.

Most of us have been stuck in a fog at times in relationships, so there's no need to feel bad about that. But try to see the reality and snap out of that fog. Sometimes it takes a metaphorical slap in the face (the "negative" comments) to do that.
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Old 1st March 2019, 8:05 AM   #39
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Thanks, I know the intention and I appreciate it. I'm doing all myself while in a severe depression, no friends, no family, no workplace. Better or worse she was my main social and emotional connection. I know that's part of problem and I need to fix that. I am hanging in to my sanity by a thread, and counseling isn't seem to help me snap out of it so I'm concerned.

Met her briefly tonight. Mentioned I had some job opportunities that look promising and adresskng that. I asked her to give bit more time then says ok, then not sure, then ok, then not sure can do this anymore.

Tells me (has been for months) her teenage boy getting worse with not attending school, etc and says it's because she isn't home on time when he gets home so feels it's her fault since she was meeting me a lot after work. Says doesn't tell me a lot of this but he is not good and needs to be more there for him.

So if this is true I understand of course. But she gave this reason before but then others about job insecurity. I can't know if this is true. Also she says has not gone on dates, slept with anyone, and I don't have any proof except common signs and my imagination, which has been wrong few times. Not saying it's not happened, but really I have no solid proof. Should I believe it anyway based on signs?

For example last night says going somewhere after work and couldn't meet. Didn't even Read my texts for 4 hours and never replied that night. I assumed she must be meeting guy. I asked her and she told me was for son"s lesson and had to cancel for him and running here and there related to that. I'm so paranoid that this could be true and I'm just imagining the worst. Or I'm blind to it and she just very good at lying. Feeling worthless and I've read jealousy can be worse in that state

I do suspect she is bored of me and the relationship and she is stressed about her kid. For all I know she likes me a lot but mom instinct kicking in and sees me as taking time away from her being good mom and also not a good provider so is pushing me away. I don't know the truth here. Facts are she is making less time, is not happy when we meet, texts are all from me, replies are short and emotionless and sometimes ignored. She does have 2 kids and is single mom with her own hobbies too. I don't know what is truth

Last edited by hp1; 1st March 2019 at 8:08 AM..
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Old 1st March 2019, 10:41 AM   #40
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update: pretty sure she just broke up with me. Said cant do this anymore. needs to focus on herself and her kids. Also said waited 1 year for me to get stable job, anything, but I didnt. I told her she didnt tell me was so important and I didnt know clock was ticking. I said Ill get the job in next few weeks she said great, but cant wait anymore. If I had stable job and decent income we could get married an not have to meet after work, etc...she already too busy with life. She said she is not looking to date anyone else. She also saiid doesn't really love me like before., so thats another factor. I told her I will get job and I will show her but she said she doesn't know how will feel by that time and cant promise me. Said we cam still talk. I am in shock .
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Old 1st March 2019, 11:43 AM   #41
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Guess better if I don't text her and go NC for a while. Nothing I say right now is going to change her mind. Im not giving up, but I know talking to her is too painful and lead to friend zone. I must figure way to find good paying stable job. She saw I lost drive and focused on her. I can't believe how bad I effed this up looking back.
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Old 1st March 2019, 11:51 AM   #42
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NC is absolutely a great idea. Strictly adhere to it, no exceptions.

If it helps look at it as temporary while getting your career and life in general in order so that you're in a better situation if you get back together with her sometime in the future.

Ultimately you'll probably find out you really don't want her back at all. But either way, you're improving yourself and those improvements will increase your self-esteem and happiness.
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Old 1st March 2019, 12:22 PM   #43
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Thank you, I'm bedside myself right now and I'm so upset. I wanted this to work so badly and I made so many mistakes. I can't seem to forgive myself. I'm inconsolable right now. This was the one I wanted to spend rest of life with. And she lost feelings for me. As obsessive as you all know I am by now NC is going to be quite a challenge. I am hoping this is just a bad dream but I know it's not. This has been coming for months. If I find out it's another guy I'm going to completely lose it
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Old 1st March 2019, 5:36 PM   #44
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Thank you, I'm bedside myself right now and I'm so upset. I wanted this to work so badly and I made so many mistakes. I can't seem to forgive myself. I'm inconsolable right now. This was the one I wanted to spend rest of life with. And she lost feelings for me. As obsessive as you all know I am by now NC is going to be quite a challenge. I am hoping this is just a bad dream but I know it's not. This has been coming for months. If I find out it's another guy I'm going to completely lose it

The emotions and feelings you are having right now are the same that everybody has when they go through a breakup or get dumped. It's immensely painful. But you have to face it and go through it. There is no alternative.


I'd suggest first and foremost you re-read this thread another 2 or 3 times, because despite the excellent advice you have received, nothing has resonated, and you have continued the same very behaviors over, and over, and over again. It's like you have lost control of yourself.


Why is it that she, and everybody else, can tell you that your needy behavior is driving/has driven her away, yet you continue that needy behavior, begging her to give you another chance, trying to talk her into loving you again after you get a job, etc.? You are repelling this woman.


This is the ONLY thing you do from this point forward. You tell her:


"I really enjoyed meeting you and the time we spent. I'm sorry you feel differently about the future than I do. I am going to respect your wishes and I will not be contacting you ever again. If you have a change of heart, you know how to reach me. Best, X."


And then you NEVER CONTACT HER AGAIN, PERIOD.


Further, if you feel like you cannot control yourself and you are going to contact her, you need to delete her number/email, etc. Use this thread to write anything you would write to her, but do not call her or contact her in any way, shape or form.


Lastly, you have been in a suspended state of breakup for some time, which is only exacerbating the pain. Once you go no contact period, accepting the breakup, you are going to start healing. It is going to be hell for a while, but you WILL emerge, I promise.

Last edited by Highndry; 1st March 2019 at 5:42 PM..
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Old 2nd March 2019, 12:05 AM   #45
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Just writing as thoughts come up. First she says it was her kids and no time for relationship with anyone. Then later we talked about not having secure job or stability to provide fur a family. She said if did, we could marry and then she wouldn't have to find extra time to see me since would be together at home. When I said then if I get job then all ok, and she said other factors too like her feeling. Admitted not love anymore, did before. So says it's lots of things. I think she found someone who is stable and good job and is more exciting/less needy but not telling me. I wish I knew the truth and real reason. If she met someone else then she gets to stop seeing me guilt free. I keep replaying all the ways I lost her confidence. Being in major depression didn't help and i didn't tell her. Probably not make difference. She says she is very practical and with 2 kids and 40s to be with guy who doesn't have good income and isn't driven and is needy was not good for her. I should have tackled this depression sooner.

I told her I didn't know the job thing was so critical for her and she was waiting. She didn't make it really clear. She says she not good at telling her feelings so kept it in.

Now I feel like complete failure and not sure what kind of job I can get with my skills and age and with depression. I'm seeing her dumping me as confirmation I've got nothing going for me and no woman will want me. Her judgement of me is spot on. I've lost the woman I was crazy about. I failed
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