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Getting cold and disrespectful to get me to break up first? **Updated**


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 24th February 2019, 3:41 AM   #16
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You know what to do. It's time to stop talking all of this nonsense and kick this trash to the curb. You don't even need to talk to her. Like a previous poster said, she's trying to break up with you and you're begging her to stay. If you never call her again, she'll probably never call you. This is already over, man.
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Old 24th February 2019, 4:14 AM   #17
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@Basil67: I guess physically, sexual compatibility, intelligence, charm, wit, and that certain quality about someone that is just about them (their uneven smile, mannerisms, etc..things particular to them that are familiar and adorable).

Sure traits like never being wrong, or overly flirtatious are not perfect but can't have it all I guess. she is only woman I never got the itch after a while that maybe could do better. I guess she got that about me ;(

Last edited by hp1; 24th February 2019 at 4:18 AM..
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Old 24th February 2019, 7:26 AM   #18
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So just met her for quick chat. She said basically lost respect for me since haven't followed through with advancing my business or going after my goals or trying harder for the whole year she has known me. She feels I keep making excuses and too passive and dependent on others to make something happen for me. She is not entirely wrong. She said that affected her feelings for me and makes her start to not want relationship. She has 2 kids so I understand but other times she said was fine if we didn't get married and were like partners.

So basically she lost respect and it's too late to mention I've been hiding a crippling depression for months (my fault should have told her and gotten treatment sooner) since would probably see as another excuse.

With or without her I need to find stable work ASAP so not hours every day to think about this issue. She said not sure she can't wait the 2 months we agreed for me to find something. Her feeling is low right now to try now

Well, feeling pressure now but maybe that's good since force me to find something despite the depression and negative thinking/hopeless feeling that goes with it.

I don't know

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Old 24th February 2019, 4:24 PM   #19
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This isn't right....you should be doing this for YOU and only YOU, not because you need to do it to win her over.
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Old 25th February 2019, 7:24 AM   #20
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Yes, I know and I am as I need to. I might take a bit longer to find something if she wasn't part of it, but at the same time if not I might just keep waiting for a perfect situation for work.

I know her feelings are very low and told me lost respect for me. She did say she would wait so if really not any feeling or hope, I think she would say 'no im sorry I can't' instead of "ok" or "im not sure". Not a big chance granted.

She did break up with me before and came back early on, but I think now she has more 'material' for feelings changing so may take longer time, if at all.

I know I am clinging to hope here, but she is still responding to my messages (albeit short and no emotion) and did say would wait a bit more. She is right in a lot of her assessment of how I dropped the ball, but she doesn't know the part depression played in it. Anyway, focusing on finding stable work now.

I reduced texting down to 1-2 day and just 'have a good day', etc. Its almost like she is angry with me, perhaps because I let her down or anger is better to feel than guilt?
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Old 25th February 2019, 3:09 PM   #21
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She's not "waiting for you," she's letting you down easy. She's actively dating other guys, probably screwing them. I think you're deluding yourself.
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Old 25th February 2019, 8:41 PM   #22
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you don't know that for sure, so why make such a statement? I may be in denial about the chances here but believing shd is cheating when I have no concrete proof is not helping. I know the intention is to get me to move on but believing that at this point with no evidence will just make me feel more desperate and act in worse ways. You may be right in the long run but I don't need to hear that kind of assumption and take it as fact at this point. I want to stick with facts because my imagination is already running away with me. What she told me is what she told me, could be untrue but truer than my imagination.
She says she will wait and sometimes says not sure she can. Either way I'm trying to hold myself together here and just function, contact her less, and get my job sorted. It's all I can do. Texting her a lot and pretending all is ok will only make worse I know.

Let me address what she says is the reason and gives another reason than will know it was all BS

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Old 26th February 2019, 2:41 AM   #23
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My friend, you're the one who said that she's going on "dates." Of course I wouldn't just make that up. You have got to move on and stop getting your hopes up. Everything you have posted highlights a woman who has broken up with you and is letting you down easy.

She has treated you so poorly that you should be angry and disgusted with this woman, and you should dump her. I wish you would see your own value and how hard you tried with her while she took you for granted. I know you are hurting but there's light at the end of the tunnel, but not when you're hoping for something that's not going to materialize.
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Old 26th February 2019, 11:38 AM   #24
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Yes, I know I'm having false hopes here. I guess the pain I'm predicting by this letdown, especially my role in it, is greater than I (imagine) can bear. I also know there are selfish and manipulating people in the world but I've never been that close to one or ever had to deal with fidelity suspicions. It's my first time. I guess it's the hard truth that life isn't fair sometimes and things you regret doing or not doing have consequences. I guess unconditional love is just for parents to children. I'm late to the game I guess these concepts of social proof and dating value, etc. I guess she got bored with me and wanted more. Didn't like things about my personality and with low self esteem herself couldn't handle that since reflected poorly on her maybe. Well I'm sure I don't want to know the things she has done or said behind my back. Maybe better I don't know. With no respect left for me I'm sure it's pretty bad. I'll try just l acing her alone and try Day by day I guess to expand network and get working. Hate the idea i became all beta and lost frame with her. Guess won't get another chance with her
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Old 26th February 2019, 9:10 PM   #25
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So what you said was you have been seeing a woman for a year who doesn't want anyone to know about you, doesn't respect your job, doesn't like how you dress or chew, isn't working out for you in the bedroom, gaslights you and wants you to get jealous, leads you to believe she is cheating and makes you feel completely depressed.


Let me guess, you find her really hot? Because nothing you mentioned would make you stay with her unless you thought she was super hot and I fail to see what you are actually getting out of being with her besides depression.


I like to go by the car mechanic rule. My mechanic is an ok guy, I mostly trust him. I don't really know him except in passing but he seems honest. He is fairly straightforward but generally pleasant. I expect anyone I am dating to treat me at least as good or better than my mechanic treats me. It's the least anyone can expect. Does she treat you better than a mechanic? If not, don't waste another minute on her.
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Old 26th February 2019, 9:39 PM   #26
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OP, I know I tend to be overly blunt, so I will attempt to temper my response.

No one is responsible for your happiness but yourself.

She can't cause you to become depressed. Some people go through unimaginable hardships yet do not succumb to depression.

Depression and anxiety say something about you, and your current mental health status - they do not say something about her.

Like others have said, time to quit fooling yourself and let her go. Compatibility has been questionable from the start it sounds - and now, as things have progressed, she has lost all respect for you, and just doesn't have the balls to tell you it's over for good.

When I read your lead in, it reminded me a younger, less mature version of myself. The time when I would have a very hard time just being up front and breaking up with people.

Instead I would grow cold, I would treat them ways that they shouldn't be treated in the hopes that they would get the clue, or not like me anymore and end it.

Sometimes it worked in a slow fade. But once or twice I remember men who would essentially end up grovelling - which absolutely and totally killed any last shred of attraction or respect I had for them.

Time to brush you self off. Perhaps seek some counseling so that you can become empowered with some tools to combat your depression.

Personally to me it doesn't sound like you are in the right state of mind to date anyone. Definitely not her, and I think you need to get yourself into a better place before you consider dating.

People are attracted to people that are happy and content with their lives. People that have their s*** together so that they CAN have a healthy relationship.

Your first goal should be getting healthy and finding stable work - the love life stuff will fall into place when you have your life together.
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Old 27th February 2019, 1:37 AM   #27
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Thanks for your replies. Well, the critical part started once I think she lost some respect and attraction. In fairness she has seen me say things like I have this opportunity or that and present it as if I already had it. She noticed I depend a lot on outcomes based on others and am a bit naive in how I handle some job related things. She said once that I sound like or think like her teenage son. I was basically ok before the relationship and was working at having my own business/income, but fell for her so hard I lost focus and the never knowing my status with her sparked insecurities in me.

She has valid points about me not trying hard and says if no kids wouldn't care but I think even with no kids she doesn't respect certain ways about me that I'm truth could be improved. She is high achiever and I guess seeks same. She doesn't know how bad depression is and how affected my confidence and drive. She just heard excuses.

Other things like acting like I understand something said in foreign language and I didn't (living abroad) irks her because she knows I didn't understand. That's flaw on my part. Basically just became a people pleasing version of me because didn't want to go through break up with her again (she did and we got back but was still in high attraction phase).

I want her to know I agree with some things I could improve and I am about to take job to bring in income and focus something even though not sure can handle it. I hope this give her some faith I can follow through which is her main complaint I guess. But if she dating or feelings for gus with their sh-t together and kicking ass then she may not wait. I want to tell her about the job offer but not until it's final. Even it's not what I want to do I need some income and can focus on something I guess is good for me.
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Old 27th February 2019, 3:26 AM   #28
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RecentChange View Post
When I read your lead in, it reminded me a younger, less mature version of myself. The time when I would have a very hard time just being up front and breaking up with people.

Instead I would grow cold, I would treat them ways that they shouldn't be treated in the hopes that they would get the clue, or not like me anymore and end it.
I feel that this is what is happening to the OP. I also think that's happening in my relationship. I like it how you said the "less mature" version of yourself. I'm sure the OP appreciates the honesty, and being upfront about this sort of behavior being immature is correct.

The best advice anyone can give is to move on.

@OP, I'm having "the chat" soon with my gf. I'm at the point where I'm so frustrated about the slow drift I just want an answer either way. I don't want to be let down gently; I just wish she'd rip that band-aid off if that is how she feels.

Good luck. I hope you can seek closure soon and move on. Don't beg or plead with her to stay with you. If she's not feelin' it, there's nothing you can do. You've just got to move on, man!
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Old 27th February 2019, 7:28 AM   #29
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Trail Blazer, not to hijack the OP's thread, but if you're saying you're getting the short end of the stick with your girlfriend, why don't you just break up? Why put yourself in the vulnerable position of asking her to decide your future?

I know, easier said than done... However, you seem certain that you don't wish to continue this. Not sure why don't you just take ownership of the situation and make a decision yourself.
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Old 27th February 2019, 7:33 AM   #30
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I do appreciate the honesty and I can relate as well to your situation. ive been given some great advice here. I must have something that just wont let go until its painfully clear or something snaps me out of denial. She did try to break ups a few times and while I didnt beg, I did ask her to continue a bit more and let me work on it. She agreed. But I know she isn't happy. I dont know where that woman went. She might have simply got bored and needs more excitement type of person. Or she sees things in me that she knows cant live with long term. Or my needles and nice guy behavior just killed everything. I dont know. She broke up with me before and we got back, but that was before knew me well and during honeymoon phase.

This experience and her personality and way of being just triggered all my insecurities 10x. I have zero self esteem or confidence and I need to work on these now. It's like letting her go confirms im undesirable and so I seem to need to stop her doing it. Since I agree with a lot of her complaints. I guess this is why I dont feel confident to be the one to break up because I dont feel anyone will want me if they get to know me or my situation.

She is still replying to texts, but almost like robot output and told me getting more and more busy but might be able to meet one day this week. I cant bear losing her to some guy who has his stuff together and I blew it. I lost the one woman I thought I could spend rest of life because I lost my focus and became weak in her eyes. I have so much regret I cant even begin to say. Ive effed everything up and now need to take a job I dont even want to do but should since I need to do something, I ruined my life and mental state for a relationship with someone who was never all in to begin with.

Last edited by hp1; 27th February 2019 at 7:36 AM..
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