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Did I overreact/jump to conclusions re: break/breakup


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Old 20th February 2019, 2:21 PM   #1
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Did I overreact/jump to conclusions re: break/breakup

Hi everyone,

New poster here. Have been reading the boards for quite some time, and I know I will be given the most useful and impartial advice regarding my situations. I truly am confused and torn.

Apologies in advance for the novel ... :-)

We are both in our 40's. Both divorced with kids. We met a few years ago thru our kids sports teams. We were friendly but nothing more as he had a girlfriend at the time and I was happily single. We'd comment on eachothers social media from time to time. I'd see pictures of him and his gf and thought nothing of it. We were acquaintences. I did find him attractive at that time, and unbenownst to me, he felt the same.

Fast forward to about 6 months ago ... he began texting me. (We had eachother #'s from our kids team roster). I would text back, purely platonic.
The texts became more frequent and so I asked him about his girlfriend, to which he told me they had broken up. Cool, I thought ... as I was still single and now he was single ... and through our texting we talked about how we were interested in one another but never did anything about it.

The texting became more intimate and personal and we had our first date around Christmas. Needless to say, it was wonderful. Then we had our 2nd date, our 3rd, etc. We were dating.

During this time, he would tell me that he's falling for me. That I make him very happy. Which I reciprocated and told him the same. Our emotional and sexual chemistry was off the charts and we were having fun. However, he also talked about our kids, and how we should tell them about us (as they know eachother/used to play sports together). He'd want us all to do stuff together, to which I told him that I was in no way ready for that. Not even close. He also mentioned that he was scared I was going to hurt him.

The problem was that our custody schedules were very different, and we only had one day a week that be both didn't have our kids, so in order for us to see eachother more, we'd have to do it with 'all of us'. He would also make little comments about future stuff, which I thought was sweet, but I don't think I gave him the validation or security that he was looking for. I would usually just laugh and say 'yeah .. maybe'. Not that i wasn't interested, but that these feelings that I was developing were scaring me. And I didn't know how to react. It was still relatively early in our relationship to be taking about our kids and future plans. So, needless to say, our dates were only happening once a week and while I really really really liked him, in order for me to consider our kids meeting, the two of us need to find a way to spend more one on one time together. We discussed it and we were on the same page.

In the week leading up to our 'break up', he told me on 2 different occassions that there 2 different women that were interested in him. I'm not sure what kind of reaction he was hoping to get out of me but I just said, both times, "oh, okay. do you want to go out with either of them?" He laughed and said "NO, I just think it's funny". Yeah .. hilarious.

A few days after that, I texted him to ask when we were going to see eachother again and he responded with "I don't know .. it probably won't be until next week. I'm sorry, I know it sucks, but with everyting I have going on right now, I don't think I can give you the time you want. I'm stressed, and tired and have some life stuff I need to figure out". To which I responded "I see, well okay. You do what you need to do and I will do the same." I didn't argue. I didn't ask many questions. I took it to mean that he's done with me and basically just said goodbye.

It's been 12 days. He texted to wish me a Happy Valentine's day last week. I responded with 'thank you, I hope you are doing well'. To which he replied that he wasn't doing very well, but he's doing what he needs to do and that he hopes we can come back together in a few weeks when he's able to give me 100% of himself.

But ... where did this all come from? I'm throughly confused. I'm giving him what he has asked for (I think), but I don't even know. Did he want me to fight the break? Is he actually breaking up with me? Did I not give him the reassurance he needed? Does anyone have any insight? Part of me wants to talk to him but my pride says let him go. I'm really sad.

Lucky.
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Old 20th February 2019, 2:37 PM   #2
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I get the impression that he pulled away to see if you would cave and decide to see him more often with your kids. I think that's also why he mentioned two women were interested in him. He wanted to see if he could make you a little jealous, so you would decide you needed to see him more.
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Old 20th February 2019, 3:35 PM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lucky21 View Post
Did he want me to fight the break? Is he actually breaking up with me? Did I not give him the reassurance he needed? Does anyone have any insight? Part of me wants to talk to him but my pride says let him go. I'm really sad..
Yes, and no, respectively - but allow me to elaborate:

It seems pretty clear that he was trying to provoke a little jealousy in you by mentioning the other women, and was probably hoping you'd try to stop him from walking away from you. It's an immature strategy, but there you have it.

It also sounds as though your relationship needs are quite different. To be clear, I don't think you needed to give him more reassurance than you were comfortable with - but his need for this is simply different from yours. He wants someone who is on-board from the beginning, and he was looking for that by mentioning the kids meeting and whatnot. You were clear it's too soon for you to involve the kids, and didn't seem interested in talking about the future yet. I get not wanting the children part of it yet, as I also think it's quite soon for that. As for other future plans, what exactly was he hinting at? I think it would have been better to address that head on rather than laughing it off.

My guess is that he has decided to go out with another one of these women and is seeing how that goes but isn't actually ready to let go of you just yet.
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Old 20th February 2019, 3:57 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by Lucky21 View Post
. . . he's doing what he needs to do and that he hopes we can come back together in a few weeks when he's able to give me 100% of himself.
In other words, after he's done testing driving his other options and they don't work out, he'll be coming back to you . . . back burner girl. Take the kettle off the stove . . . block, delete, forget.
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Old 20th February 2019, 6:29 PM   #5
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Thank you, BC and Expat. I think you're both right in that he really was tying to provoke a reaction out of me, which was counterintuative, and reacted based on what I gave him (or didn't give him).

Redhead - you are right too. And, since he just texted me with nothing more than "how are you?", I have to believe that he is not all that worried about losing me altogether.
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Old 20th February 2019, 11:52 PM   #6
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Why would your feelings scare you?

Also did you pull back because they scared you?

Could he have seen a change in you?

He might be going off cues from you.

The thing to do is talk this out, you both might be on the wrong page.
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Old 8th March 2019, 7:09 PM   #7
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Update: Did I overreact/jump to conclusions re: break/breakup

Just want to add some updates to this to see if anyone has any more insight:

Since his request for space/time around 4 weeks ago, he has reached out to me probably 6 or 7 times. Every single one initiated by him.

Granted, we didn't necessarily 'break up' and we didn't agree on or even discuss going NC, but I did tell him (when he requested the space) that he needs to go off and do what he needs to do and take care of whatever it is he needs to take care of and that I would do the same.

I fully thought that he was going to take his time away and not contact me at all. But although that hasn't been the case, i'm confused as to why he's checking in and/or giving me a play by play of his life every few days. These texts range from "how are you" to "i'm sick" to "I have jury duty" to "my mom is in the hosptial" to "i'm building a bedframe" to "what are you doing this weekend".

Yes, I respond. My answers are short and closed ended ... except for one.
When he asked me what I was doing over the weekend, I asked him if we could talk to clear the air on a few things. I really wanted to know why he was maintaining contact when he asked for space. I was not attached to the outcome, I just truly wanted to know. But, naturally, he ignored answering that one. But he continues to text about the weather and life.

I'm torn between thinking he wants to stay connected during this 'break' and
thinking he's just clueless and mean.

Thoughts?

Lucky
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