MegaEmme Posted February 16, 2019 Share Posted February 16, 2019 (edited) Hello everyone, sorry for any errors that may occur. I am 28 years old and my boyfriend (or ex, I don't know...) is 25. I am European and he is West african. We got togheter 8 months ago. Our relationship was very intense and I really loved him. He told me that I was the first girl he opened up to and I think he loved me, he also told me many times; he has a lot of problems opening himself up, he doesn't talk about his problems at all. Also, he get offended VERY VERY easely. I started our relationship after almost 3 years single. I suffer from anxiety ,depression and low self esteem but I am so much better now thanks to therapy. So, this past Monday (11 th of February) we had sex , but the condom broke...I was very scared and started crying, he didn't say anything to help me out or cheer me up. He NEVER talk during arguments, but we RARELY had arguments! The main problem is that he doesn't talk so I don't know what he is thinking, especially during an argument. He isn't capable of helping when you are emotionally down. He is a very , I'd say "raw" person. I guess I justified him too much because of his life story (he came from Africa to live here and start a new life). I also guess that I overrated him (I don't know if I can say this in English) and I also guess that I just wanted to be loved and love. I took the morning after pill by the way... So, after I went to the pharmacy he basically (while never talking...) stormed off and went home!!! he took the subway and left me at the station. Keep in mind that during this argument after sex (which basically WASN'T an argument) I DIDN'T insult him, I just asked for some compassion and help because I was scared...he only said that crying isn't a solution and that I was acting like a baby. So I was very sad. He doens't talk during discussions or confrontation!! So basically after he left me alone I sent him an audio which said " since you left me alone like a dog in the street, we will never see each other again!" but I was angry! I think is normal during an argument to be angry! I wanted to make him understand that I too, want to be supported when in need; he replied me :"fine, you will be more happy and at peace if we never see each other". 2 days later I wrote to him " I was angry because you stormed off and left me alone, don't take my words literally, I know you did and that you are offended." He didn't reply but he has read it. Then later in the day I wrote him again "ok. I really care about our relationship and I don't want to lose it. It can happen to argue strongly sometimes. I fell so bad when we argue. You are free to believe me or not. Have a good day." He still hasn't replied. So I basically said sorry even if he was wrong, in my opinion. I always contacted him first after a discussion (rarely happened btw to discuss). I am afraid to call him because I know he has left me. I mean he got offended because I said to break things off, but it was clear I was angry! didn't mean to left him, I was angry that's it. Also, how can you break things off in such a way??? I mean we didn't even talk !!! Also, if you love a person, how can you lose love after less than 2 days?? He made an Instagram story with a stupid beak up song. wft. He is so emotionally immature. I know I have non existent self esteem, I feel trash and a loser because I am an over sensitive person and I always suffer. Also, with him I was always extremely calm and kind, caring and loving, because I wanted things to go very well since I suffered a lot after my last relationship. I need advice from you guys. Edited February 16, 2019 by MegaEmme Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 16, 2019 Share Posted February 16, 2019 I'm sorry you had a scare with a broken condom, but as you had easy access to a morning after pill, I can't see why you'd be scared and crying. He was correct in how he described your behaviour. Breakup words are MEANT to be taken literally. Walking away from you after what you sent was the only reasonable option for him to take. Learn from your experience. Continue learning to manage your emotions so that you can deal with life's challenging moments as an adult would. Learn to not break up with a person in a fit of pique. We all make mistakes in life and dating and the trick is to not repeat them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MegaEmme Posted February 16, 2019 Author Share Posted February 16, 2019 I'm sorry you had a scare with a broken condom, but as you had easy access to a morning after pill, I can't see why you'd be scared and crying. He was correct in how he described your behaviour. Breakup words are MEANT to be taken literally. Walking away from you after what you sent was the only reasonable option for him to take. Learn from your experience. Continue learning to manage your emotions so that you can deal with life's challenging moments as an adult would. Learn to not break up with a person in a fit of pique. We all make mistakes in life and dating and the trick is to not repeat them. but he stormed off before I sent him the audio... Link to post Share on other sites
emeraldgreen Posted February 16, 2019 Share Posted February 16, 2019 You're all over the place and he's quite distant. It's not a good match. A little drama is natural, but what you said was a relationship breaker. He just agreed with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MegaEmme Posted February 16, 2019 Author Share Posted February 16, 2019 You're all over the place and he's quite distant. It's not a good match. A little drama is natural, but what you said was a relationship breaker. He just agreed with you. thanks for your opinion. I think that ending a relationship this way seems absurd to me...after all this intense months it seems crazy to cut things off this way. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 16, 2019 Share Posted February 16, 2019 but he stormed off before I sent him the audio... And you may well have been able to sort it out later had you not sent the audio. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MegaEmme Posted February 16, 2019 Author Share Posted February 16, 2019 And you may well have been able to sort it out later had you not sent the audio. yes, the problem is that I was angry because for all these months I always gave emotional support and he did it maybe one time only, so by sending that audio I wanted to tell him that, also I don't understand his reply Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 16, 2019 Share Posted February 16, 2019 yes, the problem is that I was angry because for all these months I always gave emotional support and he did it maybe one time only, so by sending that audio I wanted to tell him that, also I don't understand his reply So why do you want to be with a guy like this? You two are very incompatible, based on what you described. Breaking up was probably best for both of you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 16, 2019 Share Posted February 16, 2019 I think that ending a relationship this way seems absurd to me...after all this intense months it seems crazy to cut things off this way. Yep. He's probably thinking the same thing about your audio. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MegaEmme Posted February 16, 2019 Author Share Posted February 16, 2019 Yep. He's probably thinking the same thing about your audio. right but I sent him an apology text 3 times...I'd like to at least talk with him again...we didn't even talk. I also have my grandmother that is dying at the hospital since December and I'd like a little bit of empathy. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 16, 2019 Share Posted February 16, 2019 right but I sent him an apology text 3 times...I'd like to at least talk with him again...we didn't even talk. I also have my grandmother that is dying at the hospital since December and I'd like a little bit of empathy. OP, you can't always take back words with apologies. I wouldn't reply to you either if you'd told me in an audio message you never wanted to see me again. This is why you really need to learn to think before speaking, particularly in an angry moment. Sometimes certain things cannot be undone. I'm sorry for your grandmother. Reach out to your friends for support. The guy you just dumped isn't the one you should expect empathy from. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted February 16, 2019 Share Posted February 16, 2019 I got dumped once by somebody who didn't mean it, it hurt, it was a spiteful act, in fact, and I never saw her in the same light again, even though she tried to make nice... spiteful... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MegaEmme Posted February 16, 2019 Author Share Posted February 16, 2019 OP, you can't always take back words with apologies. I wouldn't reply to you either if you'd told me in an audio message you never wanted to see me again. This is why you really need to learn to think before speaking, particularly in an angry moment. Sometimes certain things cannot be undone. I'm sorry for your grandmother. Reach out to your friends for support. The guy you just dumped isn't the one you should expect empathy from. I know I made a mistake but came on...I was always respectful and also we NEVER argued! is not like I always dumped him and then apologized. I guess that if I love someone and he out of anger said some harsh words I would understand. At least this is how I think about lobe. I am not saying that I was right, just that things shouldn't be so black and white Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 16, 2019 Share Posted February 16, 2019 right but I sent him an apology text 3 times... Unfortunately, you can't unring a bell. And apologies aren't always sufficient if you crossed someone's boundary. That said, even if he did come back, he doesn't sound like the kind of guy who can give you the empathy you want. Best to move on and find someone who's got a softer side. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 16, 2019 Share Posted February 16, 2019 Listen, you should let this one go. The condom broke. He had nothing to say about that. Maybe he did it himself. He should have been just as concerned about an unplanned pregnancy as you. So this tells me he is NOT a responsible person. And then he got mad that you did the morning after. I think he was trying to force you into have his baby for whatever reason. People who are too touchy are a nightmare to live with. You can never win. They are irrational. There is something wrong for him to be so easily offended all the time. I want to say bravo for you looking after your own birth control. Condoms are the easiest way to have an accident. Wear condoms AND get on a patch or pills to be really safe. And if you can't talk to a man about important things or if anything you talk about, he's offended, walk away! There are a billion other guys on earth! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MegaEmme Posted February 16, 2019 Author Share Posted February 16, 2019 Unfortunately, you can't unring a bell. And apologies aren't always sufficient if you crossed someone's boundary. That said, even if he did come back, he doesn't sound like the kind of guy who can give you the empathy you want. Best to move on and find someone who's got a softer side. I know, he is too hard. I am too caring... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MegaEmme Posted February 16, 2019 Author Share Posted February 16, 2019 Listen, you should let this one go. The condom broke. He had nothing to say about that. Maybe he did it himself. He should have been just as concerned about an unplanned pregnancy as you. So this tells me he is NOT a responsible person. And then he got mad that you did the morning after. I think he was trying to force you into have his baby for whatever reason. People who are too touchy are a nightmare to live with. You can never win. They are irrational. There is something wrong for him to be so easily offended all the time. I want to say bravo for you looking after your own birth control. Condoms are the easiest way to have an accident. Wear condoms AND get on a patch or pills to be really safe. And if you can't talk to a man about important things or if anything you talk about, he's offended, walk away! There are a billion other guys on earth! Thank you for your reply. That's why I got so angry and sad that day, because he didn't care about my safety, he said "just wash yourself" ! He is muslim but drinks, smoke and so on! so I think that even if he is open minded (or seemed) he got offended that I run buying the pill! Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 16, 2019 Share Posted February 16, 2019 I know I made a mistake but came on...I was always respectful and also we NEVER argued! is not like I always dumped him and then apologized. I guess that if I love someone and he out of anger said some harsh words I would understand. At least this is how I think about lobe. I am not saying that I was right, just that things shouldn't be so black and white Exactly. This is what you don't seem to understand. Not everyone shares your view of love; you are not entitled to anything after you dump someone. Take this as a tough lesson learned, and remember that you can't expect people to react the way you think they should. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MegaEmme Posted February 16, 2019 Author Share Posted February 16, 2019 Exactly. This is what you don't seem to understand. Not everyone shares your view of love; you are not entitled to anything after you dump someone. Take this as a tough lesson learned, and remember that you can't expect people to react the way you think they should. when we were togheter I thought that we shared the same idea of love or at least I thought that in case we would (really) break up, we would at least talk in person about it, or at least clarify better Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 16, 2019 Share Posted February 16, 2019 Thank you for your reply. That's why I got so angry and sad that day, because he didn't care about my safety, he said "just wash yourself" ! He is muslim but drinks, smoke and so on! so I think that even if he is open minded (or seemed) he got offended that I run buying the pill! You know, it's likely that because you are a woman, that his believe is he will always be right and can do or say whatever he wants. Wash your hands of HIM!! Good for you for having the self-respect to do the right thing despite his bad attitude. Get rid of him. Find a nice person who respects your opinion and will communicate. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MegaEmme Posted February 16, 2019 Author Share Posted February 16, 2019 You know, it's likely that because you are a woman, that his believe is he will always be right and can do or say whatever he wants. Wash your hands of HIM!! Good for you for having the self-respect to do the right thing despite his bad attitude. Get rid of him. Find a nice person who respects your opinion and will communicate. yes, thanks to therapy I became more assertive...I mean I know that my background is different from his and that I am more emotional than him, but he is too raw, and I always put his behaviour in perspective of his culture...I think that some things are universal Link to post Share on other sites
Author MegaEmme Posted February 17, 2019 Author Share Posted February 17, 2019 EDIT: the situation is solved!! I overreacted as usual ,we are good now! thanks to all. Link to post Share on other sites
emeraldgreen Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 I'm glad it's sorted, but I still think you went very easy on yourself in this situation. Please hold yourself accountable to how you'd like to be spoken to as well. It seems like you both need to hone your communication styles to avoid further misunderstandings. Link to post Share on other sites
healing light Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 This guy sounds like a dick. No concern for your welfare or well-being after a scary incident with the condom breaking. Just wash yourself? That isn't going to take care of a baby in 9 months. Not everyone can take the morning after pill, so this guy should have been more empathetic for your situation. Leaving you all alone at a station after a vulnerable moment also would have been a dealbreaker for me. While being angry doesn't excuse empty ultimatums (you always have to be prepared for people to take you at face value and threatening breakups is immature), I think his demeanor makes you guys incompatible in the long-run. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MegaEmme Posted March 2, 2019 Author Share Posted March 2, 2019 thank you all for your posts, I need every point of view ... Link to post Share on other sites
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