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NC? Do I reach out? Does she? Move on?


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 23rd January 2019, 10:22 PM   #16
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Originally Posted by fallinginreverse54 View Post
The reason I feel guilty and everything is because I told her to stay out of my life. I told her she was disgusting for going behind my back and snapping this other guy in our bathroom and on our couch, literally right in front of me. Is that the worst thing I could say? Is she gonna think back about what I said and never reach back out? It was just a reaction to finding out what she doing after 5+ years together and her admitting it.

Should I have given her a hug? Tell her I want her to be happy? Would that have made me look like a bigger man in the end?

I Just dont know if she wanted out of the relationship because of this other guy or maybe she said she felt disconnected to not hurt me more.

The light has literally gone from my life, its so hard to move forward.
Dude, I so get you. Break ups suck so hard. I'm 3 months and change out and it still sucks a lot. There's no getting around it.

BUT, do not worry about being a bigger man or any of that crap right now. Protect yourself at all costs. She hurt you, what were you supposed to do? I think we would all have done something pretty similar. I cringe when I think of things I said to exes in the past. And things I did. Not pretty and I did not like who I was at that time. You know what helped a lot? Staying NC and realizing (at least with my older ex, still working on current ex) that I didn't deserve the way he treated me. I realized how bad he was for me and that the reason I acted the way I did was in direct response to things he did or things he said. I don't completely absolve myself, I should have walked away a long time before I did. But the reason I was so low about myself was because he sucked and I let him affect me.

Please don't worry that she hates you or whatever. Let time do its thing. This is extremely hard because it takes SO LONG to feel better. But eventually you will. And it is very likely that she will move past whatever resentment, anger, whatever that she has for you - might take a while. That's why I said wait to send. Let the emotions die down a bit.
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Old 23rd January 2019, 10:22 PM   #17
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Originally Posted by loversquarrel View Post
How about waiting for her to send you a similar message? I guarantee she won't until plan A fails. Don't send it, you will look weak and she doesn't give two turds anyway. Respect yourself.
I just feel like maybe she will never reach out because of what I said. Because I told her to stay out of my life.
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Old 23rd January 2019, 11:18 PM   #18
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Regardless of what you said remember that she DID. You used mere words, she was being physical and emotionally connecting with someone else while with you. She neglected to respect you enough to break up with you first, you owe her nothing.
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Old 23rd January 2019, 11:39 PM   #19
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I think, in the end, being a centered and well-balanced man all comes down to a man who says and does what he knows he wants.

I wouldn't send it if I were you. But do not let us decide your life.

If you REALLY feel the need to send it. If you REALLY think it will make you feel better to send it.

Then do it.
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Old 24th January 2019, 12:10 AM   #20
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It isn't uncommon for dumpers to have someone lined up. Let me give you some truth, whatever she may have going with this new dude is a fantasy. Whatever rebound she has going will not last (it is scientifically unlikely), and I doubt she'll address the problems she brought to your relationship. I wouldn't send the message.



In the aftermath of my previous breakups and divorce, staying silent and starting again on my own were my proudest moments. The moments I regret? The one's where I was still trying to get in touch with my exes. Go No Contact (you can start by reading up on the NC guides littered throughout the forum), get into therapy if you have access to it, and know that this feeling doesn't last forever, but in about 8-12 weeks, that dark ****ty feeling you have will slowly dissipate, and then you'll find yourself on the mend for a while. Think of it as a detox from your ex. Sorry about what you're going through. We've all been there, it is f*cking horrible and you feel like dying for the first few months.
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Old 24th January 2019, 12:33 AM   #21
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Originally Posted by nolanola View Post
Dude, I so get you. Break ups suck so hard. I'm 3 months and change out and it still sucks a lot. There's no getting around it.

BUT, do not worry about being a bigger man or any of that crap right now. Protect yourself at all costs. She hurt you, what were you supposed to do? I think we would all have done something pretty similar. I cringe when I think of things I said to exes in the past. And things I did. Not pretty and I did not like who I was at that time. You know what helped a lot? Staying NC and realizing (at least with my older ex, still working on current ex) that I didn't deserve the way he treated me. I realized how bad he was for me and that the reason I acted the way I did was in direct response to things he did or things he said. I don't completely absolve myself, I should have walked away a long time before I did. But the reason I was so low about myself was because he sucked and I let him affect me.

Please don't worry that she hates you or whatever. Let time do its thing. This is extremely hard because it takes SO LONG to feel better. But eventually you will. And it is very likely that she will move past whatever resentment, anger, whatever that she has for you - might take a while. That's why I said wait to send. Let the emotions die down a bit.
The thing is, she was so good for me and I just feel like its all my fault for just getting to comfortable, to maybe not paying enough attention to her, I really dont know. SOMEHOW i feel guilty to lead her to find someone else. Like i really couldnt think of a more perfect gf for me. She was everything and now she is nothing.

a lot of me wishes we could fix what happened, to go back to how we were when we were happy. We had such a cute apt together, it was surreal, especially around christmas. The tree was lit, the dog was just laying down being all cute, the apt looked great and everything just seemed....perfect. And now its all gone. NC is the best move right now, and I get that. But everything in me wishes I could turn back time and fix what I was doing wrong. I wish we had talked about why she was unhappy before it all led to this.

I have social anxiety and work overnights, so it prevented me sometimes from going out with her friends, or going to her job to work out with her, or even going to her family Christmas party (even tho I spent christmas eve with her and her parents all day). Knowing this now, I would have done all of that and more to save the relationship. It just worked and I knew she loved and cared for me. It sucks to see it end like this, it really does. I cant see a future for myself at all now. I cant see any other girl care for me as much as she did at the time.

How do you deal with regret? we cant go back in time, but every bone in my body regrets not doing the little things, which most likely led her to find comfort in someone else. Every bone in my body wishes I can talk to her again. How do you go from 5 years of doing everything together, to...nothing?

I feel like im falling into a deep depression and I dont want to allow myself to do that.
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Old 24th January 2019, 12:40 AM   #22
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Originally Posted by Endnote View Post
It isn't uncommon for dumpers to have someone lined up. Let me give you some truth, whatever she may have going with this new dude is a fantasy. Whatever rebound she has going will not last (it is scientifically unlikely), and I doubt she'll address the problems she brought to your relationship. I wouldn't send the message.



In the aftermath of my previous breakups and divorce, staying silent and starting again on my own were my proudest moments. The moments I regret? The one's where I was still trying to get in touch with my exes. Go No Contact (you can start by reading up on the NC guides littered throughout the forum), get into therapy if you have access to it, and know that this feeling doesn't last forever, but in about 8-12 weeks, that dark ****ty feeling you have will slowly dissipate, and then you'll find yourself on the mend for a while. Think of it as a detox from your ex. Sorry about what you're going through. We've all been there, it is f*cking horrible and you feel like dying for the first few months.
I do agree with you. From a past breakup of 4 years, I begged, pleaded and looked like a total fool. I tried to stay away from that this time. I wasnt constantly messaging her, I was giving her space while all of her stuff was at my apt. Little did I know she already had someone lined up. It f*cking hurts so bad.

I know Im going to have to suffer until these feelings go away. How long? I dont know, hopefully not long. I need to learn to be alone, but I feel like im at the age (30) where all my friends are settling down, getting married. I wish I had committed earlier, proposed or had kids, then maybe none of this would have happened?

It is f*cking horrible, and yeah you are right, I feel like I dont want to be on this earth anymore without her. I just want this to go away, but I know time will tell.

I will 100% see a therapist, I do have a great support system in my family and friends...and you guys on this forum. I will start exercising more but I just dont see a point to anything right now.
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Old 24th January 2019, 12:22 PM   #23
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Originally Posted by fallinginreverse54 View Post
I was never the jeaous type in our relationship...ever. I let her do what she wanted,
Well, I am judging that by what you put in your post. I think you were jealous, insecure, etc.,...but you just don't understand that your were. The longer relationships don't end that quickly and easily, and women in a longer term relationship like this do not just stop and switch that suddenly. So I think it had begun decaying away long before you noticed it. A guy can easily be strong and confident at the beginning, but gradually become weak and jealous over time and he never sees the change in himself. This is the #1 cause of women ending things the way she ended this one.

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She broke up with me, but only after I asked if she was happy and could see a future with us.
I'm not new to this. I see this play out over and over and over. When you asked her this it showed a lot of weakness. It may not seem like that to you, but it would be like this to her. She would not be surprised by it because it would have been "working on her" for a while now. This one instance was just the opportunity for her to finally pull the trigger.

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to know she moved on so quick. To just forget about me so easily.
This is another thing I see over and over and over. Women have a tendency to hang onto "hope" of it working out until they just have nothing left to hang on to emotionally. I often describe it as they wait till the "Love Tank" has completely run dry before they finally walk away. So they are able to make such a total and sudden break because the "tank is dry",...they feel nothing,...there isn't any feelings left. The guy that gets dumped is almost always completely SHOCKED when it happens.

I am telling you this because it is important that you understand this dynamic. If you don't learn from it, then you will just repeat it with the next one.
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Old 24th January 2019, 1:56 PM   #24
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Well, I am judging that by what you put in your post. I think you were jealous, insecure, etc.,...but you just don't understand that your were. The longer relationships don't end that quickly and easily, and women in a longer term relationship like this do not just stop and switch that suddenly. So I think it had begun decaying away long before you noticed it. A guy can easily be strong and confident at the beginning, but gradually become weak and jealous over time and he never sees the change in himself. This is the #1 cause of women ending things the way she ended this one.

I'm not new to this. I see this play out over and over and over. When you asked her this it showed a lot of weakness. It may not seem like that to you, but it would be like this to her. She would not be surprised by it because it would have been "working on her" for a while now. This one instance was just the opportunity for her to finally pull the trigger.

This is another thing I see over and over and over. Women have a tendency to hang onto "hope" of it working out until they just have nothing left to hang on to emotionally. I often describe it as they wait till the "Love Tank" has completely run dry before they finally walk away. So they are able to make such a total and sudden break because the "tank is dry",...they feel nothing,...there isn't any feelings left. The guy that gets dumped is almost always completely SHOCKED when it happens.

I am telling you this because it is important that you understand this dynamic. If you don't learn from it, then you will just repeat it with the next one.
I dont think you understand, that she has been talking, texting, snapchatting some dude for the past couple of weeks before I even asked if she was happy. She was literally cheating on me in front of my face. I asked her if she was happy because I noticed she didnt want sex and was acting very distant and odd. I think that may be the reason why she was able to leave so quick, because she had some guy literally waiting for her on the sidelines.i

Yeah i missed out or blatantly ignored the red flags because i trusted her, because I wasnt jealous. I may have been jealous of her girl friends, because they would always go out together when I couldnt or when I had to work. Or maybe I was jealous of her best girlfriend because towards the end they hung out alot, basically stole her away from me. I think the reason tbh is that we got too comfortable and didnt pay enough attention to each other.

I do agree that it was most likely decaying way before we broke up, I just failed to notice because we were coasting and kind of existing living together. The spark was gone and we were acting like adults, husband and wife (im 30) shes (26). We just cleaned the house, did chores watched netflix...we never had time to anything together because of our odd schedules.

Last edited by fallinginreverse54; 24th January 2019 at 1:59 PM..
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Old 24th January 2019, 2:00 PM   #25
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Originally Posted by fallinginreverse54 View Post
I think the reason tbh is that we got too comfortable and didnt pay enough attention to each other.

I do agree that it was most likely decaying way before we broke up, I just failed to notice because we were coasting and kind of existing living together. The spark was gone and we were acting like adults, husband and wife (im 30) shes (26). We just cleaned the house, did chores watched netflix...we never had time to anything together because of our odd schedules.
I can agree with that.
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Old 16th February 2019, 1:58 PM   #26
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What do I do? This is long but I cant move on

Thanks all

Last edited by fallinginreverse54; 16th February 2019 at 3:07 PM..
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Old 16th February 2019, 3:06 PM   #27
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NC? Do I reach out? Does she? Move on?

Where do I even begin. I just turned 30 and my EX gf is 26. I was dating my ex gf for 5+ years, we lived together for 3. I payed the rent and most of the bills while she payed utilities and food here and there. It was a seemingly healthy relationship, we usually split everything and it just worked. We laughed together, small arguments here and there, play wrestled each other, had weird nicknames for everything. She got me into a lot of shows like Game of Thrones. We spent a lot of time cuddling up next to each other, sleeping together. We moved places, got new jobs together. Traveled to Colorado together. We had our ups and downs. We were more than gf bf, we were also best friends. We basically did everything together.

Towards the last year of our relationship, our schedules conflicted a lot. I worked overnight doing IT support and came home early in the morning, while she worked 6 days a week and came home at night. The only time we really got to hang out was Sunday. On Sundays we usually did errands or cleaned the house, watched Netflix or go out. A lot of the time, her parents would want to hang out on Sunday and it would kind of irk me because I wanted to spend time with her.. (I still saw her parents here and there, they would invite us to dinner and holiday parties, so I thought it wasn't a big deal). We started getting into arguments about it, telling me I dont see her family enough. I would tell her to take a day off or switch to 5 days a week but she never did. We argued about that too. It got to the point where I would have to wake her up in the mornings to go do things, and I could tell she wasn't interested but did it anyways.

When we first met she was a bit overweight and so I guess she has been self conscious of it ever since. She was working at a salon (she hated it), but then transferred to her dads Kickboxing Studio (where she worked 6 days a week) and she lost a bunch of weight and I guess brought her confidence back up. She was obsessed with it, eating healthy and working out, and it became her passion. I should have supported her more with it, I went with her at one point, but stopped going because I was tired from my overnight job and was it was a lot of cardio and I was already skinny as is. Although I did hit the gym every now and then. She would always ask me to go kickboxing with her, or watch her teach a class but stupid me never did. I regret it so much. I sometimes think she just became too good for me at that point. Her parents would also invite us to her Christmas parties, or there house, I was hesitant and last year didn't go to her Christmas party (she had weird relatives) BUT I went to church and spent Christmas eve with her parents, and her with mine, so I thought we were cool? I just had bad social anxiety which is why I tended to not go to the parties.

I admit I smoked weed a lot, played video games and got somewhat complacent in the relationship AND comfortable, acted like a damn child in front of her, although I still loved her and thought I showed it. I took care of her old dog while she worked and she was happy about that, I payed the bills, gave her love and affection but I definitely could have been a better boyfriend nonetheless. She was really good to me. Wherever I went or whatever I did, I just wanted her to come be with me and she would. Towards the end of the relationship, we barely saw each other and I could tell she just wasn't happy whenever I wanted to do stuff in the mornings, I just thought she was tired. We became like an old married couple, doing chores, errands, watching shows sleeping and working. I wanted to travel with her more, and do fun stuff but we could never because of our schedules and her reluctance to take a day off work (I had 3 days off a week so I was always down to do whatever). She started getting distant, hanging with her friends more, not sleeping at the apt when I worked overnight.

Towards the last couple of weeks, I noticed her being really sketchy with her phone (any time I walked by, she would put her phone down). I brushed it off because I trusted her (stupid me). Anyways, one day we did our usual stuff together (went out for breakfast, went grocery shopping, redid the bathroom, cleaned the apt), everything seemed normal. Towards the end of the night I wanted to be intimate but she was acting odd and distant. I knew something was up and has been up for a while now. I asked if she was happy and for some reason asked if she saw a future with us. She started crying and said she was struggling with that thought and ultimately ended up breaking up with me. We both kind of started crying, and talking about the issues we had. I asked if there was anyone else, she said no. She said she felt detached that I didn't go to her Christmas party, as if it was normal that I was never there. She also told me she wished I would have gotten her a promise ring to show some sort of commitment, but I do not remember her ever asking for one, not like she should anyways. She also said she wished we would have gone to couple therapy but its all too late now. I had bad anxiety hearing her say this stuff, pleaded with her to try to fix it but she just mentioned she felt disconnected. She kissed me on the forehead, I rubbed her hand over my face, just sobbing and she took the dog and left. I was left in the apt alone, just miserable. I texted her the next morning asking if she was okay, and she said yes and hoped I was too. The next day I called her, no answer, but left a short VM. She didn't call back so I gave her space for a few days.

This is when something weird happened, the next morning I got a message at 2AM from a fake Facebook profile that ended up being my best friend at the time. He would come over and chill with us here and there, so he was friends with both of us. What he told me just ruined me, that while he was on the couch with her, he noticed she had been snap chatting with some dude, taking selfies, and going into the bathroom for a while doing who knows what. He literally saw her doing it, while I had my back turned or was on the computer. He saw her flipping to snap chat and then flipping to Facebook once I walked by or when she thought someone noticed. I guess she had been doing it for a while since I had noticed weeks before that she was being sketchy with her phone. I got pretty angry with this and it kind of made sense as to why she was acting the way she did. I never thought she would do this or would leave me, but that was my mistake for being too comfortable. I packed up all her stuff into garbage bags, and the next day acted like I didn't know and texted her asking if we can talk, since I didn't know what we were at this point. She had been gone for 3-4 days with barely saying anything. She texted me back saying she made her intentions clear and she could pick up her stuff while I was at work and leave the key under the mat and she was going to come pick up her stuff soon.

I was pretty angry with this as she still did not admit what she was doing. I told her to try and come tonight when she got off work so I can have the key back and she agreed. I wanted to confront her in person, face to face. When she came back to our place, she noticed all her stuff was already packed, It was all in my car at that point. I mentioned that I did all the hard-work for her. As we were walking to our cars, I asked about the dog and she was being very friendly with the convo. I told her to park her car next to mine so I can give her things back and that's when I confronted her. I tried to get her to admit multiple times if there was anyone else but she kept denying it. I just peered into what felt like her soul and I finally mentioned the guys name, told her I knew everything and she just looked dejected and she knew she was caught. She said she f***ed up. I asked her why (she said she felt disconnected), I told her I trusted her and how could she do this literally behind my back, on our couch, in our bathroom. After 5 years I felt like I meant nothing to her. She admitted to it but didn't really seem sorry, just caught. I asked to see the snaps, and who he was and she argued with me saying she didn't want to do this right now. I took all her stuff (makeup, clothes, food) that were in the garbage bags out of my trunk and dropped them next to her car. I regret saying this but as I was walking to my car I told her to stay the **** out of my life and I just got in my car and drove off to my friends house.

That was the last I heard from her, it has been a little over a month of strict NC, removed her from all social media. I have had time to think about everything and realized how much I took her for granted, how there was no communication about how she felt, but she still did what she did. I wish I reacted better when confronting her but my emotions took over me. My main thing is, I still love her, more than anything. I know you will probably tell me to move on but 5 years seems so long for it just end the way it did. I want to reach out to her, but I don't know if I should. Do I say sorry for my faults in the relationship, for reacting the way I did or should she? did I react badly and close the door to any future reconciliation? I don't know what to do, have no idea if she actually with this guy, I can only assume. I've been working on myself (hitting the gym, working, hanging out with friends, stopped smoking) but I feel so low and empty. I dream about her all the time and I miss her so much. Do you think she will ever reach out to me again? Or should I? I almost feel like this was my fault, taking her for granted, being to comfortable thinking she wouldn't leave and pushing her into another mans arms.

Help.
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Old 13th March 2019, 9:00 PM   #28
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She started getting distant, hanging with her friends more, not sleeping at the apt when I worked overnight.



Dude, you said yourself. She wasn’t just texting him.

She started getting distant, hanging with her friends (him) more, sleeping at (his) apt when I worked overnight.

She had monkeybranched out of the relationship and was hiding her time to leave you.

How can some people be so blind?
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Old 13th March 2019, 9:38 PM   #29
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Text and ask her if she wants to try marriage counseling before calling it quits entirely. Then probably stay separated unless the counselor thinks it's okay to stay together temporarily during counseling.

I wouldn't write her "I forgive everything" because truth is, once you feel betrayed, you will never feel the same about her again. You may be secure enough and unjealous enough to get past it, but it will stay in your mind.

But reaching out after being together that long to just ask if she wants to go to marriage counseling together, where you BOTH work on your issues, is a mature reasonable thing to do. Just saying "I forgive you" really isn't. It's crawling back and once someone thinks they can do that and you'll come back, they have no reason to stop.
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