My girlfriend of 10 years left me because I've made mistakes

[jasonkconcertfan]

In my life, I've mostly had long term relationships. I'm 43 and I've only been in a major relationship with like 5 people. Two of those relationships were in excess of 5 years. My most recent relationship would have been 10 years old this September.

 

We moved in together after a year and everything was pretty great initially. I had a number of negative life issues happening back to back after that. I lost 3 businesses, went bankrupt, she had to go bankrupt due mostly to association with me, I lost both my grandparents, we turned dirt poor for years due to those business issues even when they were over, my mom was diagnosed with a terminal stage 4 cancer and given two years to live, and three years after that, I had to move in with my mom states away leaving my house behind. There have been tons of other badness along the way. My mom was almost evicted. I had to work nonstop for the past year to get her and our financial lives back on track.

 

I've been living with my mom in St. Louis, MO since November. My girlfriend stayed behind in the Memphis, TN area with our pets. She couldn't move all of the pets here (she has like 70 geckos, 2 dogs, cat, etc) as my mom was forbidding all of the pets. I didn't stick up for her and my girlfriend indicated a desire to stay with the pets for a while.

 

I've been working 12 hour days 7 days a week and up to now, bills were still always late. I had paid a $500 car note for my girlfriend but it wasn't enough as it was still behind and they repoed her car. I really tried to fix this fast. I quickly came up with another $1600, took me a few days (took money away from other expenses), got that Western Union'ed to her and she got the car back.

 

I guess I should have seen this coming but the next day after getting her car back, I was sent a text informing me that she had moved out of our house to her brothers house in Kansas City, MO and blocked me on all social media. She said that she "could've live like this anymore". I get it. Things have been horrible. But she's been the only good thing about my life these past 10 years.

 

I've made mistakes. I was so depressed and trapped by all the negatives around me that I've been neglecting her bigtime. I stopped doing anything that she considers fun (going to zoos, reptile shows, etc). I didn't even notice she was only doing things for me lately. I knew our living situation was horrible but I just figured we were all going through it together. She got her haircut weeks ago and I thought it looked great but I realize now I didn't even tell her.

 

Like everyone trying to be my friend tells me she shouldn't have left me while I'm having such a hard time if she was really my friend or with a note after so long, but I realize what the last few years have been for her. I have never asked her for another chance for anything. We've never even had a major argument before. But I can't seem to convince her to give me a second chance.

 

She tells me she wants to get a job there and be on her own. She tells me maybe someday we could be friends but we didn't make good relationship partners. She doesn't feel that I showed her I loved her.

 

I did tho. I just got so sidetracked. I didn't even realize what I had become and how obsessed I had become with all the negatives. I had become like a zombie version of myself.

 

We've had two voice calls since she left. One was the very first night when she just told me she was tired and wanted to sleep. It was about 5 minutes. The third night was a much more successful call. She did say she didn't love me anymore but still cared for me. I told her all kinds of things I would do to change. Told her I wanted to be the old me. I wanted to stop obsessing over bad things and finances and just wanted to appreciate our lives together like I did. She told me I was saying all of the right things but she wasn't sure. She told me her leaving had nothing at all to do with any other guys. That she isn't even interested in dating now or sex at all (she wasn't ever much of a sexual person). She said if something came along she wouldn't be opposed but she wouldn't be looking. She said our breakup would be better for me as I could have sex a lot more often now. I told her that wasn't what I wanted - that I would rather be in a completely sexless relationship with her. I told her many times that I loved her, that I realized how much I hurt her, and that it wasn't intentional, and that I was sorry.

 

It just seemed like a semi pleasant call. She told me things like to not get my hopes up and said that her family would never understand her if she went back to me (which led me to believe at least she was considering it).

 

After that, she wont take my calls.

 

She accepts my texts but they are answered randomly whenever she wants, usually short/cold replies, things like the thumbs up icon, etc. I don't feel like I'm making any progress at all with the texting system.

 

I asked if she would meet me on Valentines Day as it was the only day off from work I had this month. She just answered "too soon".

 

I asked her if she would want to go to a reptile show with me this weekend. She said she "had no money, couldn't go in the snow storm, and might have a job by the weekend" so she couldn't. At least the reasons do seem semi legitimate.

 

I feel like I could make progress on the phone or in person. I feel like without this I have no chances to show her that I really do love her more than anything. I feel like sending her text messages is likely pushing away but another girl gave me some advice that I should keep checking in on her and just try to be friendly for now maybe not pressuring relationships so much.

 

Her family is mostly not thrilled with me and my economic situation. They all immediately blocked me on social media and I've heard they are advising her to stay far away. They have convinced her that "we are on two totally separate pages" - a line she used to describe the breakup to one of our mutual friends before saying she'd rather not say more as she doesn't want to be negative towards me.

 

Please help me. I can't even sleep more than an hour (explaining my rambling) and I am just a total mess. I hate that I feel like I could do so much better if I had it all to do again. I've already got my mom to agree that the pets are okay so we could all be in the same household. I finally understand now that I was making her feel unloved and unappreciated. I don't want to be that guy anymore at all. I want to spend time with her. Do her things. Appreciate her. I want to be that person to her because I really did have those feelings. I just took her for granted and I realize now that I wouldn't have wanted to live with me either. But we had so many good times too over 10 years. Before my moms situation, we were spending everyday together as best friends.

 

Is it too late? She has now been gone 9 days...

Edited February 16, 2019 by jasonkconcertfan

[Marc878]

You are not only fighting her but her family as well.

 

If you chase they just move farther away from you.

 

You have zero control over her. Better back off for now.

 

Text or email pestering her will just make this worse if that's possible

[Highndry]

I'm sorry, man, 10 years is a long time. But she's gone. She has told you everything you need to know. She does not love you anymore, ignores your calls, and barely responds to your texts. When you asked her out she flat out rejected you ("too soon"). She is putting major distance between you two because she does not want to talk to you or see you.

 

The worst thing you can do in this situation is chase after her to try and force conversation or any interaction. It's not respecting her wishes. I think she's made up her mind, which is that she no longer wants a life with you. She's had plenty of time to figure this out. It's a bitter pill for you to swallow, but you have no choice but to move on. It's going to be tough, but you just have to be strong and do it.

[jasonkconcertfan]

Wow. Negative crowd.

 

You all don't see any positive signs in the 70 minute phone chat that went okay? That she's actually taught me something that I totally wasn't realizing and that I can totally fix and change it? That we haven't even been in the same household for months but now that's changed so that we can be?

 

I mean if she gave me another chance, so much negative could be gone.

 

She doesn't seem like she's flat out rejecting the idea of a future meeting.

 

In fact, we're both volunteers for a Pink concert in March in Nashville, TN. She's told me often that Pink is one of her bucket list performers. Our volunteering gets us into the show for free. I really can't tell for sure if she will go or not but i have this feeling that she might.

[S2B]

Is she working 24/7 to make ends meet?

 

Why does this look like all the responsibility (and blame) is on you?

 

A great partner should be helping you, not dragging you down.

 

If she isn’t in this 150% then cut her loose - she isn’t in it to be a partner.

[darkmoon]

$1,100 on her car? and then she drives right out of your life - sue her - money back

[Jamess1]

I can tell you aren't very experienced with women; you are blaming yourself for her leaving, her leaving has nothing to do with all the things u listed. And u don't seem to get the message behind her words..

 

She most likely left u for somebody else, don't get surprised or angry when u find out : I think the family also knows about this new guy. She was certain in her leaving u, and it was well planned, they must be somebody else..

 

All women are sexual, she is interested in sex and dating, just not with u at the moment. This was test :

She said our breakup would be better for me as I could have sex a lot more often now.

, and u failed it.

 

Stop contacting her at all, if she does, give her the impression that things are going great without her, tell how you think she was right to end the relationship and how u now both deserve to see new people..and u r enjoying meeting new people now..make the conversion and perspective about u, tell how u realized that u deserved to be in relationship with a girl whose family respects u....play with her imagination and create anxiety...

[Simple Logic]

Ifvit were me I would forget her and get my financial situation in order.

[FMW]

Clearly she is not financially independent if YOU had to send her money to keep her car from being taken away. It's ridiculous that a girlfriend expects someone else to pay their bills. And her family not liking your financial situation? What do they think about her not being able to pay her own car payments?

 

Sure, there may be positive indications that maybe she'll come back to you, but I think you need to spend this time apart looking at HER part in your relationship before you put too much effort toward that.

 

You're under a lot of stress with your mother's situation. Right now you should be focusing on getting yourself financially stable and not on holding on to someone who makes things more difficult for you.

[Wallysbears]

Neither of you are adulting well.

 

You need to get your own financial houses in order before either of you are good partners for anyone

[jasonkconcertfan]

Thank you for your comments.

 

I've been left for another guy before (other 5+ year relationship). This is not that. I do believe her sincerity when she says she has no current interest in dating or sex (she has pains related to endometriosis).

 

I do believe that we need to get our financial orders straight first. That's why I'm doing all of this working. If I were by myself without my mom or a girlfriend, I'd be doing fine. All I do is work, almost no current expenses. I've been making $200/day at my current position.

 

She was working as well but in the $600-800/month (I know, not as much). It would just get deposited into our joint account and we would pay all of the household expenses with it. I've been putting out fires so the things that require the most attention get dealt with first. With my moms situation, we've been behind forever. Just this month I've gotten us all caught up on bills. This is a tremendous accomplishment as before some were behind up to like $3k.

 

I know that she isn't great for me financially. Not usually bad either. It's a bit of a breakeven. But that isn't why I'm with her. I love her.

 

But now that my life has become all for this job I don't even know the point of it. I mean I've been doing all of this to enjoy our future together. I feel like I have no direction. The only thing in my life is this work that I don't enjoy, and my mom with her poor health. Most of what she does all day is sleep.

 

I didn't realize until she brought this to my attention just how much of a zombie that I've become lately. I've been so obsessed on fixing everything these negative things have consumed me. I have taken her for granted. I know I could change and I don't want to change just to get her back. I want to change because I feel it would actually make me a better person and both of us happier.

[preraph]

Why can't your girlfriend pay the note on her own car? Does she work? I wouldn't shoulder all the blame here. You have a lot on your plate. When you had to knuckle down, she should have taken two jobs as well and worked with you as a team. Nothing you could do about the pets. NO one wants to live with 70 geckos, cute as they are. That's over the line and good luck her finding a rental who'll put up with it. Sounds like she needs to stop collecting pets and take two jobs and take care of her own self and you should stop worrying about it and do what you have to do. Good luck.

[Maverick1983]

You seem as though you had to put up with alot not even taking her into consideration. Someone who is a good match for you is not only someone who will understand but someone who will shoulder the burden.

 

Yes you may have neglected her at times but your reasons make up for it. She seems a little bit scattered herself in terms of her own responsibilities but she is somehow expecting this to be your fault. When someone is right for you they attempt to be that light at the end of the tunnel or that person that makes you feel everything you do is appreciated. You are actually knocking yourself down and almost trying to validate her but she from what I can see has flaws of her own that don't help the situation. You are obviously a caring person from what you have said and you would be more suited to being with someone similar not someone who had the ability to make it easier for you but chose to not only not bother but also leave you high and dry when you needed her.

[FMW]

I know that she isn't great for me financially. Not usually bad either. It's a bit of a breakeven. But that isn't why I'm with her. I love her.

 

It's not about whether or not she's pulling her weight financially, it's the attitude. She and her family having an issue with YOUR financial situation is telling. You may not be with her to better your financial situation but it appears that just may be part of her motivation for being with you.

[S2B]

I’m wondering how she figures she is going to live on 600-800 dollars a month?

 

Did she explain how she expects to support herself on that money?

[jasonkconcertfan]

She's looking for new job opportunities now. I've been encouraging her for a bit to try to make a little more just because it would've made everything easier. She's been stating that I've been "controlling" with finances. (I've told her she could totally separate her own income/expenses if she wanted although personally those systems haven't worked well for me in the past)

 

We were both working from home taking customer service calls. She's completely given that up with the news which sort of surprised me as she could've done that from anywhere but I guess she wants as few associations with me as possible at the moment.

 

But her next car payment is due 2/20 and she is on thin ice with the lender. Unsure if they have the capability to determine where the car is but I suspect that they do. She has told me during that phone call that "her brother told her she can keep the car if she can find a way to make the payments". He doesn't plan to help at all. I thought that was an odd thing for him to tell someone. Talk about controlling?

 

I wish finances could totally be taken out of the equation. They really do suck and I'm so tired of them controlling my life. We've had so many amazing times and I don't totally want to discount that. I don't know if she was "the one" but she was closer than I've been.

Edited February 17, 2019 by jasonkconcertfan

[basil67]

She went bankrupt because of you. You don’t thiink this is a good reason for her parents to be displeased with you?

[Marc878]

Sounds like it's been too much of a struggle. 10 years is a lot of life.

[bathtub-row]

You may have a chance to get her back but you need to get your act together first. And you need to step back and examine your views on money. It’s almost like you’re addicted to poverty. You may want to read “Right Riches for You” by Gary M Douglas.

 

Despite what anyone says, money is extremely important in our lives and constant struggles with money is the number one reason for divorce. Mostly, it reflects an energy that revolves around you and your relationship. You and your gf have had extremely trying situations. Filing bankruptcy once is enough pressure for anyone. But three times in 10 years - that’s like a whirlwind of drama. I have to say, given everything that’s happened in those 10 years, and the emotional neglect, I would’ve left long before she did. It’s most likely her love for you, and the fact that you’re an overall good guy, that kept her there.

 

I’m sure she loves you and misses you but she’s emotionally drained and can’t feel her love for you right now. I’m really sorry you’re going through this and with your mom. It’s a lot to deal with.

 

If I were you, I’d start by reading the book I mentioned, or find something else along the lines of your spiritual path (not meaning that in a religious way). You need to find your center before you can bring balance to someone else’s life.

Edited February 17, 2019 by bathtub-row

[jasonkconcertfan]

These details aren't really important but just to clarify.

 

One BK for me, one for her (wasn't totally due to me but her own bills and my situation wasn't helping her at that time)

 

I do appreciate everyone that's offered advice up to now. At this point, she's cut off all calls/texts from me and so I guess at the moment we're done. My mom fell again and I feel so alone. I do wish I had someone to help me and feel constantly overwhelmed. I wish I had the ability to run away sometimes.

[S2B]

Cut her lose. She needs to learn on her OWN to support herself!

 

In other words she needs to grow up! She needs to work more and provide for herself.

 

She’s been sucking the money out of you... when she should be providing for herself!

 

Stop helping her to be a mooch. Support yourself and let HER worry about her problems! She can learn to fix her own problems instead of dumping them onto you.

 

Get a boundary! One that shows you don’t need your problems and everyone else’s problems too.

[elaine567]

My mom fell again and I feel so alone. I do wish I had someone to help me and feel constantly overwhelmed. I wish I had the ability to run away sometimes.

Investigate cancer support services and charities in your area and speak to her medical team as regards respite or hospice care.

[Highndry]

DEFINITELY don't even think of making that car payment for her. She dumped you and blocked you at a low time in life. Kick her to the curb. Let them repo the car.

[bathtub-row]

These details aren't really important but just to clarify.

 

One BK for me, one for her (wasn't totally due to me but her own bills and my situation wasn't helping her at that time)

 

I do appreciate everyone that's offered advice up to now. At this point, she's cut off all calls/texts from me and so I guess at the moment we're done. My mom fell again and I feel so alone. I do wish I had someone to help me and feel constantly overwhelmed. I wish I had the ability to run away sometimes.

 

It’s really sad you’re going through this but maybe you’ll feel better recognizing that you’re bringing comfort to your mom by being there for her. It probably means the world to her. I’m sorry you feel alone. Do you have any family or friends you can talk to?

[jasonkconcertfan]

It’s really sad you’re going through this but maybe you’ll feel better recognizing that you’re bringing comfort to your mom by being there for her. It probably means the world to her. I’m sorry you feel alone. Do you have any family or friends you can talk to?

 

I feel very worthless with my mom. She isn't happy with the level of care I provide, says I do everything wrong, etc. I'm put down every second that I'm doing something for her and told it isn't good enough. It's extremely unrewarding. Anytime she is not nagging, she's sleeping or hallucinations. This afternoon while I was eating, she thought we were at a football game (Coach was on TV) and she was being given an award for getting better after her fall.

 

I really don't have friends. I've been living out of state for 10+ years. My main and only friend for so long has been my girlfriend. We did spent every single day together until I had to leave the state. When I left, I've been mostly all working but we'd still exchange messages throughout the day.

 

I get off work at 11p so meeting people even just to talk to (which would be SO helpful)... I mean, I've posted to a couple message boards online but I don't really think that's going to be happening.

Edited February 18, 2019 by jasonkconcertfan