Want her back

[Ronni]

Ok just like the other threads. She broke up with me 3 weeks ago and I moved out 3 weeks ago on that same day. It hadnt been great and we had some arguments over the years that left their scars. Both of us to blame, maybe myself more often than not. The break up came after a series of bickering, nothing big. She admitted her feelings had gone and she wasn't in love with me.

 

We lived together for a few years and I have a step daughter with her. I've tried reconciling and she tells me she doesn't know. It's too late, it's not what she wants anymore etc. We've still text each other occasionally to see how each other is and she has said I can still have a relationship with child. Truth be told, I want us to be together again like a family I know we can be. I've explained how much I've used these last few weeks to reflect on my behaviour and I want to put things right, I want to prove to her we can be happy and have a great life. She told she was unsure again. I put my plan to her and told her I will be more supportive and helpful, told her I know it can work out if we try. Her last words to me was "Let me think about it"

 

I also picked up on things on the phone call like, I said "I can't wait round forever, I have to move on at some point to which she replied "I can't stop you from moving on, it'll be my loss"

 

I get the feeling she might want to try again in the future but I'm not sure and don't know whether to accept it for what it is. I'm struggling without them and I've lost the two most important people in my life. She hasn't felt the loss yet because she has been really busy and had a few stressful weeks over finances etc. She told me "She hasn't had time to think about the break up"

 

To get her back, is it best if I just go NC? Not saying it's guaranteed but she needs to miss me, right?

 

I'm genuinely struggling without her. I need to get out more but it's a struggle to do so. Even going to the gym is hard but I manage to go.

[Marc878]

Well let's see. I don't love you anymore.

 

What part if that did you not get?

 

It's over but you are projecting your feelings onto her. I love her so she must love me too thing. She dumped you. So her feelings are not the same as yours.

 

At this time YOUare keeping yourself bound to her for what?

 

No contact and move on like she already has.

 

Chasing, needy behavior will get you nothing here.

[loversquarrel]

You have to start not giving a shyt. Once you do that you will either be in the right mind to meet someone else or she'll come crawling back. If it were I, I'd choose the former.

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't know, OP, I don't see much hope in her words or actions.

 

But you're right, the only way she will miss you (if she does) is if you give her a very wide berth and let her feel your absense.

 

It might be far too late for that but you don't have much to lose by taking a big step back now.

[Highndry]

It's over. The sooner you accept it, the sooner you can move on and start to heal. She left absolutely nothing to the imagination. She is not in love with you anymore, she broke up with you, she's done. You are experiencing denial and wishful thinking.

[Ronni]

She's getting on with life like nothing has even happened. I called her yesterday and she tells me she hasn't had time to think about the break up. I told her it's probably best if I move on and get on with my life. I told her she's not interested and must definitely want this. She replied with "It's only been 3 weeks". What does that mean? What does she mean by that response? To me it sounds like she needs time away but I'm just confused. If she wanted to be together then surely she would tell me.

[Marc878]

if you chase they move farther away.

 

She's moved on like she told you.

 

Do the same

[Ronni]

if you chase they move farther away.

 

She's moved on like she told you.

 

Do the same

 

I still have hope. End of Feb sound about right before giving up?

 

Why did I let it get to this? If she comes back things will be 200% better. I've seen life without her and realised what I want.

[GirlInTrouble]

I still have hope. End of Feb sound about right before giving up?

 

Why did I let it get to this? If she comes back things will be 200% better. I've seen life without her and realised what I want.

 

I know what you are feeling. I'm going through a similar phase right now, despite our relationship lasted much shorter time.

 

What I've realized while going thru hard times is that it's a good time to reflect and look at yourself from a different angle, which I see you've done already! Also, I've understood that I can't get him back because I WANT! Because there is more to it!

 

There are a lot of things going on in our subconsciousness when we want something. There are things like obsessions, some things that our mind is used to, some insecurities etc. You name it! We just can't claim the person back out of these feelings and we can't put a timer on it when it's gonna happen. It happens when it happens or it never happens.

 

I've been having many thoughts going thru my mind during this hard time and I've realized I need to free myself from I WANT, I need to free myself from my obsession for him. I need to go thru my daily life (just like a person that left us), take care of my existence and not think about it much at all. Every night I meditate on the feeling of freedom from obsession. It feels so good! Why am I doing this? Because obsessive relationships never work, you need to give the other person love in one way or other, in a way they want! Even if it is to do with you having to leave her alone! If you love her and she doesn't want your romantic love, leave her alone and stay in the distance that pleases her! You can try and cross the borders every now and then, but if there is no chemistry from her side at all, just love her from the distance and start seeing other people!

Also, another reason that I need to free myself from the obsession for him, is because I want to expose that pure selfless feeling what I feel for him, I want to see how strong it is, is it actually romantic? Or is it my obsession that makes it feel like romantic? Because on the day I reach out to him, I want to know for sure what exactly what I feel for him deep in my heart. And even if it happens to be a romantic love, this love is pure enough from all of my selfish intentions, and when he decides to reject me, then I will be fine, just because I love him! If you truly love someone you will respect their choice and move on.

 

This is what I am doing. I'm not saying that this is what you are going to have to do. But I hope it will help!

 

LOTS OF LOVE TO YOU!

GirlInTrouble

[Ronni]

I know what you are feeling. I'm going through a similar phase right now, despite our relationship lasted much shorter time.

 

What I've realized while going thru hard times is that it's a good time to reflect and look at yourself from a different angle, which I see you've done already! Also, I've understood that I can't get him back because I WANT! Because there is more to it!

 

There are a lot of things going on in our subconsciousness when we want something. There are things like obsessions, some things that our mind is used to, some insecurities etc. You name it! We just can't claim the person back out of these feelings and we can't put a timer on it when it's gonna happen. It happens when it happens or it never happens.

 

I've been having many thoughts going thru my mind during this hard time and I've realized I need to free myself from I WANT, I need to free myself from my obsession for him. I need to go thru my daily life (just like a person that left us), take care of my existence and not think about it much at all. Every night I meditate on the feeling of freedom from obsession. It feels so good! Why am I doing this? Because obsessive relationships never work, you need to give the other person love in one way or other, in a way they want! Even if it is to do with you having to leave her alone! If you love her and she doesn't want your romantic love, leave her alone and stay in the distance that pleases her! You can try and cross the borders every now and then, but if there is no chemistry from her side at all, just love her from the distance and start seeing other people!

Also, another reason that I need to free myself from the obsession for him, is because I want to expose that pure selfless feeling what I feel for him, I want to see how strong it is, is it actually romantic? Or is it my obsession that makes it feel like romantic? Because on the day I reach out to him, I want to know for sure what exactly what I feel for him deep in my heart. And even if it happens to be a romantic love, this love is pure enough from all of my selfish intentions, and when he decides to reject me, then I will be fine, just because I love him! If you truly love someone you will respect their choice and move on.

 

This is what I am doing. I'm not saying that this is what you are going to have to do. But I hope it will help!

 

LOTS OF LOVE TO YOU!

GirlInTrouble

 

Thanks for your reply. How did your relationship and and who ended it? How long have you been in NC for?

 

I agree we can't force someone to love or want to be with us. If they come back they have to do it from within themselves. It is something we have no control of. That's the hardest part to accept. Loving someone who no longer wants us. There could be a time they choose to come back and we might be in a better place and not want them. Now is the hard part, every day is hard. The last thing I want her to think is I'm sitting around dwelling. After a period of NC she will begin to wonder what I'm doing and hopefully it causes her some anxiety. That could be the time when she reaches out but it's not guaranteed. In the mean time I'm getting on with my life.

[GirlInTrouble]

Thanks for your reply. How did your relationship and and who ended it? How long have you been in NC for?

 

I agree we can't force someone to love or want to be with us. If they come back they have to do it from within themselves. It is something we have no control of. That's the hardest part to accept. Loving someone who no longer wants us. There could be a time they choose to come back and we might be in a better place and not want them. Now is the hard part, every day is hard. The last thing I want her to think is I'm sitting around dwelling. After a period of NC she will begin to wonder what I'm doing and hopefully it causes her some anxiety. That could be the time when she reaches out but it's not guaranteed. In the mean time I'm getting on with my life.

 

Please read my thread to understand better the situation I'm in:

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/676931-he-admires-me-but-he-doesn-t-feel-love-me

I reckon NC stands for No Contact.

Just for additional information: a couple of weeks ago he really disappointed me. We made plans for a sleep over. He said in a phone call he could sleep over at mine or I can come to his. Anyways, he ended up calling me back telling me he was so hungry, but still wanted to do some surfing before it gets dark. After a discussion we decided he would come and eat at mine. Before he reached my house, I felt so much love for him and wanted to shower with my love by taking care of him. Once he reached my house, I didn't feel like that anymore. I can't put my finger on it, but I may have felt coldness on his side. While he was eating my food, he mentioned he didn't think that he was gonna stay over that night - he still had A LOT of his laundry out on the line outside his house. A LOT! Well, that set the mood for me for the whole evening we spent together. I was pretty withdrawn, I could have been better really, if basically he hadn't compared me to his socks out on the washing line. Of course he didn't literally compare, but that's the idea I got - his laundry is more important than staying with me. He only lives 10min away from me and I could have come up with at least 10 versions of ways to spend that evening together and getting his laundry back in at the same time. This really knocked me off and made me sad! Once, he left my house that night, I can't describe the feeling I felt... I didn't take the initiative to text him the following days. He texted me on the third day apart saying we have been like really quiet. I said something like yeah. Next day he texted again, saying he needed something from my house that belonged to him while I was at work. He wanted it ASAP. I was like what's the hurry?! I arranged my housemate to sort him out and give that thing to him before I finished my work. Dunno, if it was a coincidence or he really didn't wanna see me that day. A couple of days later he texted me saying I could come over to his house for a talk. I said you can come to my house and talk. Then he gave me a funny reason why he couldn't come - like he has a lot of things to do. That didn't make any sense - as if coming over to his house for a talk would have helped to get his things done. I said it doesn't work like that. Anyway, he said he would come to my house the next day. Next day I waited till late, he hadn't texted me. I picked up my phone and texted him, things like I'm not a toy etc. Then he told me everything, basically - he likes me very much, but he is not sure if we are compatible as partners AT THE MOMENT. He feels love for me, but not that kind of love. And his mind is not there. I told him, shame on me, I knew it all (as I'd sensed lack of passion on his side the whole we had been together), shame on you, I had to read all these things over the text msgs from a guy who's trying to use less of a phone and trying to experience things in a real world. He then said he would come to my house and explain everything properly face to face. Then a couple of days later he came to my house, told whatever he needed to tell. I couldn't tell much. It was him speaking most of the time - less than an hour, then he said he needed to go, he was really tired. I didn't really get to explain myself..

He said we could talk the next day. Next day, guess what, no text again. Had to pick up my phone again, he said he'd been busy with this and that ... like always. the whole time i'd known him, he'd had really little time for me - always something happened just to interfere with our plans. Anyway, he said he would talk to me the next day... guess what.. didn't happen.. I picked up my phone to express my frustration to him.. he was tired again and had to do some stuff.. which I believed was true.. before we finished chatting, he said he wouldn't say that we could talk the next day, he had changed it to "Can we speak in the future?" Far out! I told him I just drop everything now and I will be getting better on my own and he can take care of his own life. We haven't talked since. It was on thursday last week. I've been taking care of my life, done meditation and stuff, met some other guys to see what's out on the market. See, how we go, if I will have feelings for him or not. Basically I'm waiting for him to get in touch with me, because he's got something that belongs to me, that he's promised to fix. That was about a month ago, but never got it fixed and just sitting in his house. Last time he came to my house, he said he would get it fixed this week. Well, will see...

 

He's also said he never wanted to hurt me and feels sorry that it has happened and I deserve the best things in life. That if I really knew how much he admires me, I wouldn't feel any resentment at all!

I really don't know what to think about that...

 

Yes, it has been hard for me too to slip thru every day life, including work and doing different things, like even cooking. My energy levels are pretty low. But I'm slowly healing.

 

Sorry for a long story, just to had to get it off my chest only to answer your simple question.

 

Lot's of love and let's be strong!

[Olivia_daviss]

If she doesn't like you it wasn't meant to be move on unless she says something you aren't going to get her back

[abotha5]

Well let's see. I don't love you anymore.

 

What part if that did you not get?

 

It's over but you are projecting your feelings onto her. I love her so she must love me too thing. She dumped you. So her feelings are not the same as yours.

 

Well put Marc Spot on

[GirlInTrouble]

how are u doing OP?

still coping?

everything's ok?