Unhappy chappy Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 (edited) Ok this is my first time here and I hope I don’t offend anybody . To start off I’d Like to just say I’m A nice caring guy who doesn’t want to hurt anyone but it’s getting harder and harder to pretend. I’ve been with my GF now for 6 months and I’m really not happy any more but I don’t want to hurt her. She is very very needy and from the beginning of our relationship she’s basically insisting that I stay in her house constantly and questions me when I want to go home and if I do manage to go home she wants to come with me. I haven’t slept or spent more than 5 hours in my house since I started seeing her . She has two kids and it’s become a running joke with the daughter that my house is a storage locker and that I’m on house arrest. She has a son who has a kind of autism who is also very needy . my GF is very strong willed and and definitely wears the pants. I forgot to mention at the start that she has a lot of pets , 3 cats , lots of of snakes and bearded dragons , and two dogs . Now I like reptiles but there’s like 20 of them which smell , her dogs drive me insane as they crap constantly which I have to help clean up and they destroy everything. She has made me bring most of my belongings to her house and wants me to move in but I keeping stalling as much as I can. She has a huge jealous streak and a temper also I including the kids tread very carefully when she is in a mood like traversing a mine field. I’ve been made to cut off contact with any female friends and not allowed to talk to any exes. She wants me to play a paternal role to her kids and pushes me to tell them I love them , especially the autistic son who tells me he loves me a lot and did so a week into the relationship. She does look after me but it’s very over whelming how far she goes like it’s almost controlling .She has also started work recently with random shifts which leads to me doing a lot of baby sitting for her son and cleaning up after the animals. I have to get out of this before it goes to far but I’m worried about the potential explosive reaction , I need to also get my belonging as most of what I own is in her house, clothes , medication , personal stuff , iPad , computer , vape stuff. How do I get out without hurting her and and losing all my stuff. Please help any suggestions or advice will be very much appreciated. Edited February 14, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator I apologise for all the crazy punctuation issues on this thread , I really don’t know why it’s happening Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 Without hurting her... that is of course, impossible. However you can minimise it: - Don't be indecisive. Once you have decided to end it, end it. Don't say maybe or try again or compromise. It might seem like being nice but in the long run it is just dragging it out. - When you tell her, make sure the kids are not around. You don't want her throwing a wobbly in front of them. - When you give reasons for breaking up, make sure the reasons you give are your feelings. If you complain about how she is X or Y then she will get more hurt. Tell her you can't carry on because you feel.... Keeping your stuff safe: - Well, you mentioned she started work recently, when you're babysitting you can move the majority of your stuff. - Start moving the more important stuff (documents, personal stuff, etc) first. The rest of the stuff will presumably have to be moved after you tell her, but make sure to take it with you when you go, because you might not get another chance!. - Make a list of what you have at hers, so you don't forget anything. When you leave, assume she won't let you back in. If you can't fit all your stuff in 1 trip then prioritise, ie. computer and iPad first, nice clothes and work clothes next, old clothes last. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 (edited) If she works or goes anywhere by herself use that time to remove your most valued possessions. Face the fact you may lose some of what you have at her house unless you get legal help. Just read PegNosePete's advice. It's very good! Edited February 13, 2019 by LivingWaterPlease Link to post Share on other sites
Author Unhappy chappy Posted February 13, 2019 Author Share Posted February 13, 2019 (edited) Without hurting her... that is of course, impossible. However you can minimise it: - Don't be indecisive. Once you have decided to end it, end it. Don't say maybe or try again or compromise. It might seem like being nice but in the long run it is just dragging it out. - When you tell her, make sure the kids are not around. You don't want her throwing a wobbly in front of them. - When you give reasons for breaking up, make sure the reasons you give are your feelings. If you complain about how she is X or Y then she will get more hurt. Tell her you can't carry on because you feel.... Keeping your stuff safe: - Well, you mentioned she started work recently, when you're babysitting you can move the majority of your stuff. - Start moving the more important stuff (documents, personal stuff, etc) first. The rest of the stuff will presumably have to be moved after you tell her, but make sure to take it with you when you go, because you might not get another chance!. - Make a list of what you have at hers, so you don't forget anything. When you leave, assume she won't let you back in. If you can't fit all your stuff in 1 trip then prioritise, ie. computer and iPad first, nice clothes and work clothes next, old clothes last. That is very good advice , my concern is that she will notice my stuff is going and ask me why . Do I try to do this All in one go and tell her as soon as she comes back from work , it kind of feels crappy and sneaky , she also doesn’t see that i’m not happy so it is gonna come as a hell of a surprise . She will also challenge all my reasons why and I won’t know what to say Edited February 13, 2019 by Unhappy chappy After thought Link to post Share on other sites
Author Unhappy chappy Posted February 13, 2019 Author Share Posted February 13, 2019 (edited) If she works or goes anywhere by herself use that time to remove your most valued possessions. Face the fact you may lose some of what you have at her house unless you get legal help. Just read PegNosePete's advice. It's very good! Thanku . I’m actually getting very nervous about all this now , feeling sick thinking about it . I’m just so scared of hurting her even tho I know it’s inevitable . There’s also the another edit I need to male to the original post which I will do now It won’t let me edit so I will do it here After thought Every month I give her £200 towards bills so if I don’t do this before I give her the money i’m Gonna be very broke for the month Edited February 13, 2019 by Unhappy chappy Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 You can't break up with someone without them being hurt, so you have to just realize that and deal with it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Unhappy chappy Posted February 13, 2019 Author Share Posted February 13, 2019 If she works or goes anywhere by herself use that time to remove your most valued possessions. Face the fact you may lose some of what you have at her house unless you get legal help. Just read PegNosePete's advice. It's very good! After thought Every month I give her £200 towards bills so if I don’t do this before I give her the money i’m Gonna be very broke for the month Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 almost controlling? ha. You don’t plan your escape if someone will willingly let you go. If you can’t take everything at once take the least obvious things first. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 You never should have moved your stuff in in the first place. She has a lot going on & none of it is healthy for her kids. IMO having a new "daddy" figure living in the house after only knowing him 6 months is crazy. Sadly you can never break up with somebody without hurting them. Don't worry too much about that. This woman will go out & replace you quickly. As for the lack of drama, again probably not possible. Between her poor impulse control, her willingness to live in filth, her bad parenting & all the chaos she creates, she will rant & rave. You just have to be strong. Tell her that this isn't working out for you. You don't have to mention all the awful stuff to her but if she doesn't go away then you can start being more specific. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 After thought Every month I give her £200 towards bills so if I don’t do this before I give her the money i’m Gonna be very broke for the month Then don't give her the money. Isn't she receiving child support from her kids father? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 You won't be able to avoid hurting her. She evidently has a deep and unhealthy attachment to you, so it's not going to be good news for her. But you need to do it anyway. There are so many things wrong with this relationship and it won't have a happy ending now or later. Follow PegNosePete's advice above to at least mitigate the fallout as much as you can. And then, spend some time with yourself understanding why you let yourself get involved in such a toxic dynamic, especially this quickly. She has issues, no doubt. But there's a lesson to be learned here for you, too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted February 14, 2019 Share Posted February 14, 2019 Unhappy Chappy, you could also tell her that you think it was the wrong thing to do for the kids for you to move in. And that you need to move out for their best good. That's not only true but it should also help you get all of your things out (since she'll think you're doing it for the kids' sake). After you're out you can break up with her. This is just a suggestion, not the only way to do it. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted February 14, 2019 Share Posted February 14, 2019 my concern is that she will notice my stuff is going and ask me why . Do I try to do this All in one go and tell her as soon as she comes back from work Yes, that would be my suggestion. If you weren't worried about your stuff then you could do it in a more gentle manner but you have 2 issues to balance here. She will also challenge all my reasons why and I won’t know what to say That is why the reasons you give should be all about your feelings. She can't challenge or contest or argue with your feelings, like she could if you gave practical reasons. Your feelings are inside your head. Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted February 14, 2019 Share Posted February 14, 2019 do a moonlight flit just vacate her home when she is not there... chuck your stuff in bin-liners and run Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 14, 2019 Share Posted February 14, 2019 After thought Every month I give her £200 towards bills so if I don’t do this before I give her the money i’m Gonna be very broke for the month Well you need to be fair and pay the bills you feel you owe her. As she is no doubt relying on your "rent" money, and she relies on you to baby sit while she works, you need to give her prior warning. It is the adult thing to do. You are not in some teenage relationship, where you can just storm off in the dead of night, there are kids here to consider. When you take on a family, which is essentially what you have done, then you need to get some back-bone, talk it through and if leaving is still best then at least leave them in an adult way. Link to post Share on other sites
skriti659 Posted February 14, 2019 Share Posted February 14, 2019 Well, try to talk to her patiently instead of shifting your things in one go. Shift your most valuable things as soon as possible. And then talk to her to discuss the matter politely. Tell her you'll be there to help her anytime to avoid hurting her at an extreme level. Show your care and respect to her so that you can continue your friendship in future as well. Link to post Share on other sites
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