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boyfriend being distant after saying I love you **Updated**


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 7th February 2019, 6:22 PM   #46
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What your therapist told you makes perfect sense.

Hang in there, it gets better.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 7th February 2019 at 8:47 PM.. Reason: Fix spacing
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Old 7th February 2019, 6:24 PM   #47
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I hope it does, because I've been through breakups but this is hell.

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Old 7th February 2019, 7:31 PM   #48
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I'm telling you. You have to take a mans "I love you" with a grain of salt. Not saying this dude lied to you but the fact of the matter is many men say it without really understanding the meaning. I know this hurts. Focus on moving on and judge a guys actions towards you over time hun.
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Old 7th February 2019, 8:25 PM   #49
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Very sorry to hear that.
You must be very hurt and confused.

As your therapist said, it does sound like he has intimacy issues and is afraid of being close.
Unfortunately they are for him to figure out, and since he is quite young, he probably won't for a long time.

Although it's nice to understand, it can be unhelpful in some ways to diagnose someone because you end up putting up with a lot (out of understanding) when really you need to focus on how his behaviour makes you feel and set your own boundaries.
You've been anxious throughout this relationship and being with someone avoidant sets YOU back in your own development.

If he comes back again, you need to not let him waltz right back in your life.
He needs to prove he has the motivation to work out his issues or you will be abandoned again.
But like I said, since he is young, it's probably going to take a lot of failed relationships to get to that point of conquering his fears.

I speak from experience, having gone through this cycle many times with my fiance who finally overcame his avoidance.
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Old 7th February 2019, 9:40 PM   #50
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Thank you, if he decides to come back even with promises of change I don't think I could say yes. He had his second chance, and you're right that the issues he has will likely take a very, very long time to fix. And this is what I need to remind myself of when I get scared of him moving on, even if he gets in another relationship he will still be the same guy towards her. I need someone who can support me and enhance my life, not bring me down with him.

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Old 8th February 2019, 1:08 AM   #51
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This guy sounds wishy washy. Inconsistency is a bad sign in relationships.
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Old 8th February 2019, 4:19 AM   #52
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OP, this isn't the first time he's broken up with you. It's time to forget him, for good. "I love you" doesn't mean much to him; I don't think he's got intimacy issues. I think he's young and fickle and his feelings were just not as deep as yours, and he used big words without sincerely meaning them.

It won't be easy, but you need to remove him from your life as much as you can. He isn't the right boy for you.

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Old 8th February 2019, 8:00 AM   #53
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Aren't you both in college? I'm not being dismissive, but it's so, so different when you are so young. He doesn't have any concept of what it means to love someone in a mature way. You are learning and practicing adult relationship behavior, figuring out what works and what doesn't. You will learn how to break a heart, how to recover from a broken one of your own, how to make up from fights, how to communicate respectfully, how to work towards a goal, and all that. It will come in time.

Your ex is not an actor or a liar or a sociopath. He is young and exploring feelings, like you are. Don't be too hard on him or yourself. You are both going to go through such dramatic changes over the next few years you'll hardly recognize the person you are today. Trust me, that's a good thing.

Keep going to your therapist, spend time with friends, and try to keep your chin up. It's fine to hurt; it's part of being alive. If you ever catch yourself spiraling down (which you don't seem to be) then lean on your loved ones for help. But be proud of who you are and get excited for what life will show you next.
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Old 8th February 2019, 1:37 PM   #54
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He said that he lost feelings for me. But that makes absolutely zero sense. How do you lose feelings for someone days after saying I love you for the first time? I could understand if he had been distant for weeks or we were

Sounds like he has an Anxious/Ovoidance Attachment style. Comes from his childhood. Ask him to see a therapist and if he doesn't want to , be done with him. He will make your life miserable
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Old 9th February 2019, 4:17 PM   #55
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I agree but sometimes I can't tell if I'm just making up stories because somehow him having intimacy issues hurts less than him losing feelings for me over the span of 3 days after 6 months. I'm just having such a hard time processing all of this right now and it hurts and I feel like he's totally fine.

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Old 9th February 2019, 4:20 PM   #56
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ExpatInItaly View Post
This.

OP, this isn't the first time he's broken up with you. It's time to forget him, for good. "I love you" doesn't mean much to him; I don't think he's got intimacy issues. I think he's young and fickle and his feelings were just not as deep as yours, and he used big words without sincerely meaning them.

It won't be easy, but you need to remove him from your life as much as you can. He isn't the right boy for you.
The thing is I love you means a lot to him which is why he took so long to say it and he said he felt it but didn't mean to actually say it to me yet because he was afraid of something happening and not being able to take those words back. He's never loved anyone before and those aren't words that a guy like him who has so much trouble opening up just throws around.

I agree that it's time to move on, I just wish I knew what was going through his head and if this is like what happened in October when things got serious and he ran the next day.
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Old 9th February 2019, 4:26 PM   #57
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Originally Posted by Curiousroxy86 View Post
I'm telling you. You have to take a mans "I love you" with a grain of salt. Not saying this dude lied to you but the fact of the matter is many men say it without really understanding the meaning. I know this hurts. Focus on moving on and judge a guys actions towards you over time hun.
He definitely takes those words seriously though. He has such a hard time opening up/expressing emotions that he would never be the type to just throw that around. And that's what hurts, I know he meant them and I've known for a while he loved me, it showed through his actions, the way he looked at me, the little things he did and the way he wanted to spend every second with me up until the end. I watched the way he slowly started letting me in over the months, the way he built this relationship with me, the way he began to trust me and let me love him when no one else ever really has.

And I think that's why it hurts, knowing he loves me but would rather run from it when things get serious and label it as loosing feelings.
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Old 9th February 2019, 4:39 PM   #58
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Originally Posted by hope18 View Post
I just wish I knew what was going through his head and if this is like what happened in October when things got serious and he ran the next day.
That should be all the confirmation you need that he isn't the guy you're meant to be with.

Whether he's got intimacy issues or whether you don't know him as well as you think you do and he's just not that into you - it doesn't change the bottom line for you. A relationship isn't what he wants.

Take it from those of us who have been there and done that with this type of boy: they're rarely ever the ones you will go on to have a happy future with. They will break your heart again and again, if you let them, and then they'll bail for good.

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Old 9th February 2019, 4:42 PM   #59
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But what I mean is men say I love you and really believe it at the time they say it and really have those intense feelings. But many don't understand what love really is. They are speaking off how they FEEL. When you treat love as a feeling well feelings can change easily. anybody can have really great "loving" moments together because at the time the person feels really good. but you don't judge a guys love for you by how he looks at you or what he says or how long it took him to open up. You judge a guys love by how he treats you OVER TIME. Time and good treatment together is the only true test of anybody's love, loyalty, and commitment. becsue anybody can say it today and is gone tomorrow and that's what literally happened to you. It doesn't matter what he said to you. Atleast Accept the fact that he did NOT love you enough to stay with you or love you the way you wanted to be loved.
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Old 9th February 2019, 5:04 PM   #60
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Originally Posted by ExpatInItaly View Post
That should be all the confirmation you need that he isn't the guy you're meant to be with.
I know he's not the guy I'm meant to be with, and I think I've known that for a while. It just hurts because I put so much time and energy into making it work, trying to get him to let me in. And he finally did, things were great, and then he was gone.

I'm just trying to manage the grieving and processing at this point. The wondering how much of it was real, if he's hurting right now or if he's already thinking about seeing other people. It hurts and I just feel lost going from building my life around him, spending every second of free time together, to acting like we don't even know each other. And it's such a small campus so I see him everywhere and it sucks and I'm so scared of seeing something that I don't want to see.

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