LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Breaking Up, Reconciliation & Coping > Breaks and Breaking Up

boyfriend being distant after saying I love you **Updated**


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

Like Tree119Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 13th March 2019, 5:13 PM   #196
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 17,530
Quote:
Originally Posted by hope18 View Post
I know, I just don't know what it is about him that I cannot let go. I've been in serious relationships before and when it was over I had no problem moving on after some time to process. But I just can't let him go.

I think it's because he's come back so many times before that now when he leaves it just feels like a waiting game, less an "if" he's going to come back and more of a "when" will he be back. I know I need to have more respect for myself and I'm mad that I keep letting him walk in and out of my life but I just do.

When we talked I was planning on holding my ground, telling him everything that needs to happen and what's unacceptable if we were to give it another shot, but we never got to that conversation because of his grandmother's passing. I still want to say all of this to him, that if he wants me in his life even as a friend he cant just pick me up and use me and then drop me whenever he pleases, but I don't know when that conversation will get to happen, if it ever does.

And I think what's also so difficult about this is that none of his behavior is intentional, if it were I would be gone in a second. I know it's hard for anyone who doesn't personally know him to see this, to anyone else he looks like he's playing mind games and trying to screw with me. But he is the most innocent and naive guy I've ever met and he has a really big heart and would never intentionally hurt anybody. And that's why it's so easy for me to keep forgiving him, because I know it's just an immaturity thing and him being a clueless boy unaware of how his actions make me feel, and that's no excuse, but it's what makes me let him back in every time.
Then what are you expecting from LoveShack?
stillafool is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th March 2019, 6:01 PM   #197
Established Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 269
Quote:
Originally Posted by hope18 View Post
Thank you for your response, I think after this past week I've finally reached my breaking point. I'm just torn now between telling him I'm done directly or letting my actions prove it by not engaging with him, after all he never gave me an explanation so why should he deserve one?

I'm just exhausted and it's not worth it anymore.
It's ok. We all have our own thresholds if when/if we hit bottom.

Let me tell you tho, I wasted 4 yrs going back and forth with a guy who was a trainwreck. Don't make my same mistake! lol

You will look back and go..WHY did I waste so much time?

You're young. Go have some fun. Get on a dating website and just date for fun. Get guys to take you out to nice dinners (don't go with the "let's do happy hour" thing..lol)..maybe join Meetup. Pursue some things you're interested in.

I guarantee you won't regret it
sandrawg is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th March 2019, 6:03 PM   #198
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 1,285
Quote:
Originally Posted by stillafool View Post
Then what are you expecting from LoveShack?

We're collectively her BFF.
Normm is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th March 2019, 7:49 PM   #199
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 165
Quote:
Originally Posted by sandrawg View Post
It's ok. We all have our own thresholds if when/if we hit bottom.

Let me tell you tho, I wasted 4 yrs going back and forth with a guy who was a trainwreck. Don't make my same mistake! lol

You will look back and go..WHY did I waste so much time?

You're young. Go have some fun. Get on a dating website and just date for fun. Get guys to take you out to nice dinners (don't go with the "let's do happy hour" thing..lol)..maybe join Meetup. Pursue some things you're interested in.

I guarantee you won't regret it
Thank you, I think the hardest part for me in all of this will be having to see his face every day where it's such a small campus. That's what's made it so hard to move on so far. But thankfully it's summer in less than 2 months so I'll be able to fully physically distance myself from him soon.
hope18 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19th March 2019, 11:07 AM   #200
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 165
begging me to wait

A few days ago I reached my breaking point, I hadn't heard from him in days and I felt like I was just sitting around waiting for my heart to get broken again. Last I heard he didn't know what he wanted, so I took that as him saying he didn't want to be with me.

I sent him a text simply saying "I can't do this anymore, I'm sorry." I fully expected him to just not answer or to say something like "ok, sorry". Instead, he sent me an essay in response. To summarize, he begged me to wait for him. He said that when I spent the weekend with him it meant the world to him, but that he shut everyone out right before the funeral and then after the funeral he went numb and felt like he lost something emotionally. So he said he began to distance himself from me because he's trying to "get his sh*t" together because he wants to be with me more than anything. He said he was also afraid of saying something opposite of how he feels about me because he does that as a defense mechanism (i.e when we broke up and he said he "lost feelings"). He said he's just trying to take time to make things right because he doesn't want to rush back into a relationship with me where he's still numb because that wouldn't be fair to me. He said he wants to do what's best for us in the long run and he wants to be able to be there for me in the relationship mentally and emotionally, not just physically. He said he understands how scared I am because he's terrified too. But he said he knows he doesn't want to be with anyone else. He said he just needs more time but he promises he will talk to me soon if I could just wait a little longer, but he understands if I don't want to.

I was really surprised by this response, I told him I'm willing to wait and work things out, but I can't wait forever. I think I scared him because I've never been the one to walk away, it's always been him. That was five days ago, we've texted once in between. I guess it's just up to me whether or not I want to wait. I'm just afraid his feelings are going to fade the longer we go without talking or he'll change his mind, but I expressed this concern to him and he said he promises he would tell me if that happened but he doesn't see that happening.
hope18 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19th March 2019, 3:01 PM   #201
Established Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 269
He is a hot mess.

I don't get why he wants you to wait. This all sounds like immature games to me.

I think you're wasting your time.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 19th March 2019 at 9:03 PM.. Reason: quote removed
sandrawg is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19th March 2019, 4:11 PM   #202
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 165
Quote:
Originally Posted by sandrawg View Post

I don't get why he wants you to wait.
Because my original theory was right from the day we broke up. He's inexperienced when it comes to deep emotions and so when he realized he loved me and things got serious he got scared, cut and run, telling me the "opposite of what he felt" (his words), that he lost feelings. He never lost feelings, hence all of the odd behavior over the last month.
hope18 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19th March 2019, 4:59 PM   #203
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 13,196
Oh, dear.

You are going to learn the hard way that this guy is not worth the hassle.
ExpatInItaly is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19th March 2019, 5:03 PM   #204
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 268
Quote:
Originally Posted by ExpatInItaly View Post
Oh, dear.

You are going to learn the hard way that this guy is not worth the hassle.
My thoughts exactly! This cat and mouse game is never ending. The outcome won’t change, it’s always going to be the same thing, but whatever argument we bring will be brush aside. OP will defend him saying he’s in love with her, just can’t handle strong emotions like that! Been there, done that... we basically all went through something like that... but she’ll have to experience the heartache on her own.
SophieG is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19th March 2019, 5:42 PM   #205
Established Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 502
OP, I fear this guy is going to break your heart and waste your time. He might be immature, but he doesn't have much respect for you if he's stringing you along like this. I know when you're in it, it seems like no one else understands and it seems so complicated and intense, but it's not. As outsiders, we can see what's going on here. Him saying he can't be with you right now for all of his reasons is basically like him saying no. Because if he really loved you and wanted you in his life, he would either make it happen (ask you to get back together) or make sure he gets it together quickly so he doesn't lose you. And I'm not talking about half-a**ed snapchats. I'm talking "here is what I'm doing to work on myself and get it together". Otherwise he's just jerking you around.

I'll say it again. Take a step back, don't text him or reach out to him in any way and see what he does. My gut says that if you stop reaching out to him, he will disappear. Maybe not, but I think he's trying to do his own thing but keep you around as a possible "back-up" in case. I would strongly advise you not to be that person. It will destroy your self esteem and his respect for you.
nolanola is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19th March 2019, 5:58 PM   #206
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 165
Quote:
Originally Posted by nolanola View Post
Because if he really loved you and wanted you in his life, he would either make it happen (ask you to get back together) or make sure he gets it together quickly so he doesn't lose you. And I'm not talking about half-a**ed snapchats. I'm talking "here is what I'm doing to work on myself and get it together". Otherwise he's just jerking you around.

I'll say it again. Take a step back, don't text him or reach out to him in any way and see what he does. My gut says that if you stop reaching out to him, he will disappear. Maybe not, but I think he's trying to do his own thing but keep you around as a possible "back-up" in case. I would strongly advise you not to be that person. It will destroy your self esteem and his respect for you.

He did tell me what he's doing to work on himself and that he "should be okay soon so we can talk about getting back together", he said he wants to be with me long term so he's taking time to get out of this emotionally numb place that he's in right now so that he can be fully present in the relationship if I decide to give him another chance. He said he doesn't want to rush back into the relationship while he's still grieving and can't give me what I deserve. I did tell him directly "I feel like I'm a backup plan sometimes that you keep around when you need someone" and he was upset that I ever thought this and said I'm not nor have I ever been his backup plan, he reiterated that he wants to be with me and no one else and sincerely apologized that I felt like some kind of back up.

This isn't me defending him, the way he handled this was wrong. I'm just giving you guys the facts.
hope18 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19th March 2019, 6:08 PM   #207
Established Member
 
BC1980's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 8,015
Quote:
Originally Posted by hope18 View Post
Because my original theory was right from the day we broke up. He's inexperienced when it comes to deep emotions and so when he realized he loved me and things got serious he got scared, cut and run, telling me the "opposite of what he felt" (his words), that he lost feelings. He never lost feelings, hence all of the odd behavior over the last month.
You just described a stock character in romantic comedies. The guy who is too scared of his feelings to commit. Gimme a break. This dude is gonna burn you for the third time.
BC1980 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19th March 2019, 6:30 PM   #208
Established Member
 
hippychick3's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Northeastern U.S.
Posts: 1,681
Quote:
Originally Posted by BC1980 View Post
You just described a stock character in romantic comedies. The guy who is too scared of his feelings to commit. Gimme a break. This dude is gonna burn you for the third time.
Exactly. Life is not a Nicholas Sparks novel/novel turned into movie.

This guy is NOT in love with you. A guy who really loves you would NEVER risk losing you regardless of what is happening in his life. He’d want you there by his side if he really wanted a future with you.

But I know you won’t listen. You’ll learn the hard way. Lather, rinse, repeat.
hippychick3 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19th March 2019, 6:54 PM   #209
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 174
Quote:
Originally Posted by SophieG View Post
Been there, done that... we basically all went through something like that... but she’ll have to experience the heartache on her own.
For sure... we've all been here. It feels sad to read the updates and know exactly what's going to happen every step of the way.

OP, remind yourself of what your attachment style is: go read up on it again and again. Your ex-boyfriend or whatever he is right now is pushing all the right buttons to get you sacrificing your self-respect and emotional health in the name of waiting for him.

Anyway, the most important thing is this: folks will be here to support you through the inevitable heartache when it does happen. Don't forget that.

Also, seeing as he says he's taking this time to work on himself and improve himself, it wouldn't hurt you to do the same. Focus on yourself, your emotional health..
Acacia98 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19th March 2019, 9:13 PM   #210
Established Member
 
Blanco's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 3,016
Even if he does come back, you have no idea how exhausting a relationship with someone like this is going to be. Conflict resolution is usually tough enough within a relationship, but if one of the involved parties is emotionally shut down, the stress of each issue that arises is going to be amplified.

My guess is he will resurface and you two may even have a reunion of sorts. You'll likely run yourself ragged doing everything you can to make sure he doesn't emotionally shut down, even if that means compromising your own needs and wants from the relationship. You'll be periodically anxious, even when things seem fine, because you never quite feel certain what will make him disappear emotionally.

Like others have gauged, I think this is something you're determined to find out the hard way. It's OK. We all have to burn our hand on the stove to find out for ourselves.
Blanco is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
He went from saying "I love you" on the first date to not saying much now Newheregirl Dating 4 29th November 2018 1:38 PM
Male friend fallen for me? He's now acting distant! ***Updated*** Toshop89 Dating 20 23rd November 2017 4:15 AM
Is he being distant or am I being paranoid? [UPDATE: Boyfriend broke up with me] StarGirl17 Breaks and Breaking Up 65 17th January 2017 10:07 AM
Guy Acts Distant After Saying He Wants a Relationship nightdreamer Dating 17 5th November 2014 12:03 AM
Saying you want to wait until marriage is like saying you've got the ebola virus... Veronica2025 Dating 66 3rd June 2013 3:28 AM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 11:43 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2018 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.