LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Breaking Up, Reconciliation & Coping > Breaks and Breaking Up

boyfriend being distant after saying I love you **Updated**


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

Like Tree119Likes
 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 25th February 2019, 7:08 PM   #151
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 165
There's just no need for it, honestly. No, he doesn't owe me anything, but that doesn't give him the right to go out of his way to intentionally make me feel like crap.

There's no reason for him to even still be talking to my friends, he has his own. It's not like he knew them before we were together. They never got close with him, he would just tag along and hangout with us. And now he's suddenly so desperate to be talking to and hanging out with them when he knows damn well I'll be there. I would never make them cut him off or vice versa, but it's not fair for him to go out of his way to make me feel like crap. I don't deserve it and I won't put up with it.

If it happens again I'm not planning on reacting, I'm just going to remove myself from the situation or at least act like I don't care. But I addressed it the other day so that if he wasn't aware of how he was making me feel he definitely is now and if he continues the behavior I'll know he's just being an a**.
hope18 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25th February 2019, 7:23 PM   #152
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 1,307
Quote:
Originally Posted by hope18 View Post
If it happens again I'm not planning on reacting, I'm just going to remove myself from the situation or at least act like I don't care.
Perfect!....

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 28th February 2019 at 1:30 PM.. Reason: Fix spacing
Normm is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 28th February 2019, 11:25 AM   #153
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 165
Another update

I'm giving you guys all of the updates because sometimes it just helps to get strangers perspectives on situations lol. I can't express how helpful you all have been through this.

Last night I was in the library by myself studying on one of the couches. Out of nowhere, he came up behind me and leaned over my shoulder against the back of the couch. He was like "hey whatchya studying?" We talked for like a minute, I tried to be as politely disinterested as I could, and he went and sat by himself somewhere else.

About 15 minutes later I went to use the bathroom. When I came back, he had moved his stuff and was sitting next to me on the couch. For about two hours he didn't say much. We had some normal conversation but other than that we just studied. I had my notes lying in between us on the couch, and every time I would look over at them I would catch him staring at me and he would immediately look away.

Again, he did not seem like himself. He's normally a very happy, energetic, sarcastic and outgoing guy. But he was very quiet and just seemed down. He didn't really flirt or anything, but at one point he told me a joke his coworker told him and he was like "but was that the highlight of my day? No."

I needed a power move, and since he wasn't really saying much I packed up my stuff and headed out. He was like "you're done...?" and I said yeah for the most part so I was going to head back. He was just like "oh..." and so I was like see ya and he was like and he said bye and rested his head in his hand which was propped on the arm of the couch. I wanted to be the one to leave so that it sent a message that I wasn't sitting around waiting for him or looking for an excuse to be next to him.

I'm feeling pretty good, I expected that this would give me hope that he's coming back, but it hasn't. Yes I do believe he still has feelings, but he isn't acting on them so unless he does I'm moving on and taking his word for it that he "lost feelings". I'm going to take this as him just trying to be friends like we agreed. I feel more confident about the situation, like the ball is in my court now since he's been the one initiating these interactions.
hope18 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 28th February 2019, 12:19 PM   #154
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 13,409
Yes, best to just forget him.

Heís just playing games with you at this point. This type of thing almost never amounts to anything but the exact type of on-off situation youíve already experienced with him.

One day, you will find happiness and a long-term boyfriend. It just wonít be this guy.
ExpatInItaly is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 28th February 2019, 1:07 PM   #155
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 1,307
Quote:
Originally Posted by hope18 View Post
I would never take him back after the way he's treated me post-breakup
Quote:
Originally Posted by Normm View Post
Not sure I believe you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by hope18 View Post
I expected that this would give me hope that he's coming back, but it hasn't. Yes I do believe he still has feelings, but he isn't acting on them so unless he does I'm moving on
I hate being right all the time.
Normm is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 28th February 2019, 1:13 PM   #156
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 3,324
Let me provide a different (though by no means innovative) perspective. The guy has no feelings for you. But he also has expected you to chase after him and beg him to get back together. I think your not doing that as much as he has wanted is a blow to his ego. That’s why he’s doing all these odd things.
JuneL is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 28th February 2019, 1:30 PM   #157
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 165
Quote:
Originally Posted by Normm View Post
I hate being right all the time.
I still would not take him back. I mean engaging with him or trying to figure out what his intentions are. If he decided he wanted to have an actual conversation about things, then I would hear him out, but I wouldn't give him a third chance after all of this. Maybe a few weeks ago I would have, before he started all of this hot and cold, but not now. I deserve better. But that doesn't mean I wouldn't let him say what he has to say.
hope18 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 28th February 2019, 1:35 PM   #158
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 165
Quote:
Originally Posted by ExpatInItaly View Post
Yes, best to just forget him.
exactly, I don't mind being polite and having conversations with him (if he initiates them), but as far as anything more than that I'm done.
hope18 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 28th February 2019, 1:38 PM   #159
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 165
Quote:
Originally Posted by JuneL View Post
Let me provide a different (though by no means innovative) perspective. The guy has no feelings for you. But he also has expected you to chase after him and beg him to get back together. I think your not doing that as much as he has wanted is a blow to his ego. Thatís why heís doing all these odd things.
I suppose this makes sense, just seems like a lot of effort and wasted energy. I feel more like he just has no clue what he wants, so he acts on based how he's feeling in the moment. I know it is hard for anyone who doesn't know him to see, but he's not the kind of guy to intentionally screw with someone's head or play mind games. Yes that's what he's doing, but I think it's more out of his own confusion than anything intentional.
hope18 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd March 2019, 12:58 AM   #160
Established Member
 
TheFinalWord's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: † Calvary †
Posts: 6,773
Quote:
Originally Posted by abotha5 View Post
He said that he lost feelings for me. But that makes absolutely zero sense. How do you lose feelings for someone days after saying I love you for the first time? I could understand if he had been distant for weeks or we were
He said I love you to see if that would trigger an emotion in him. It's kind of similar to couples having a kid to salvage a relationship, though a lot less risky.

Another thing to keep in mind is what people say in a relationship, "I love you", "You're the best guy I've ever met"...only means something in that exact moment. It doesn't mean it holds true a second later. It's irrational, but emotions are irrational.
__________________
If I have seen further than others, it is by standing upon the shoulders of giants. - Newton
TheFinalWord is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th March 2019, 3:35 PM   #161
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 165
Update: everything is a mess

Bare with me, this is a long one.

But hey everyone, with this update please refrain from any kind of judgement, I really just need help.

Friday night we had a formal dance, I saw him there and one of my friends pointed out that he was with another girl. They were holding hands at one point, she had her head on his shoulder, she asked him to take pictures etc. He came over and said hi to me but I was so furious and hurt that I walked away without saying anything. I immediately/impulsively deleted him from social media as well. He texted my friend later asking "what the hell was that?" She told him why I was upset and his response was "that girl is literally just my friend from one of my classes, she has a boyfriend and she was drunk and I didn't want to leave her alone. Hope always jumps to conclusions and it always causes problems... please just tell her it was literally nothing, I don't want to message her and make things worse."

I felt really bad after this so I texted him Saturday morning and apologized for basically being a total b*tch to him, just that I was hurt and realized I'm not ready to be his friend and see him with another girl. He said he understood, that I'm allowed to feel how I feel and it just hurt him and confused him because he had no clue what happened and thought we were friends. I left it at that, but then he texted again and said "we can always talk about things..." and I said "I know, I just wouldn't know what to say to you or how to put anything I'm feeling into words." He asked if we could meet up, I had a friend from home over so I told him maybe later that night or the next day (Sunday) and that I would get back to him.

I texted him around 8 and said if he wanted to talk I was free, he texted back "I can't tonight, sorry". This stung a little, but I brushed it off and went out with friends and had a great night. As I was leaving a party in his building, I ran into him walking into the dorm, I said hey and so did he. I went back to my room with my friend and 20 minutes later I got a text from him (this was around 1am) saying if I still wanted to talk I could come over. So I stupidly (and still somewhat drunkenly) said yes. I got to his place and sat on the end of his bed and just apologized again for the way I acted and he listened. Again he reassured me that it was literally nothing with that girl. Then he said he was sorry if it felt like he blew me off earlier, but that right when I had texted to meet up he had just found out someone in his family died. At this point, he broke down crying. I was literally in shock, he hardly shows any emotion let alone to that extent. He said he just didn't want to leave me hanging because he knows I get anxious and he didn't want to be unfair to me. I grabbed his hand and pulled him into a hug and he just fell apart, it broke my heart.

When he calmed down I told him we didn't have to have any serious talks that night, I didn't want to be selfish and talk about "us" when he just got this horrible news. Then I got quiet and looked away, and he just grabbed me and kissed me. It was so fast and abrupt I didn't see it coming honestly. It was so intense and it almost lead to other things but I stopped it and told him I couldn't, he said he understood and that was probably smart. So I just laid on him for a while and he had his arms wrapped around me. He got really quiet and then was just looking at me with his hand on my face. He asked me in such a sad and quiet voice "do you still love me?" like he was expecting me to say no. I started crying and said "yeah that doesn't just go away, but neither does everything else that's happened." He didn't say much back, just nodded and kissed my lips, nose, cheeks and forehead. We talked for a little while longer just about what's been happening in our lives, we laughed a lot and it was nice. Eventually I had to leave, but I hugged him and he held me tighter than he ever has and kissed me again. He texted me when I got back to my dorm to make sure I got back okay.

In the morning (Sunday) he called me, I was at dunks and asked if he wanted anything because he hadn't been eating. So I brought him a bagel and my friend and I stayed with him for a while just hanging out until I had to bring her to the train. He asked me to come back after, and I did. Again, we just cuddled and kissed a lot. And he broke down crying again but this time worse than before and I just held him for like an hour and wiped his tears away and he said no one has ever comforted him in that way. He asked me to stay the night, it was probably stupid but I said yes, I wanted to do anything I could to make him feel better. We didn't have sex, just watched netflix and he went and got us ice cream and it was just a nice night. When we decided to go to sleep he told me he loved me (he's only said it that one other time that initiated this thread, when he was drunk and it was over text).

Monday was a snow day so we spent the day in just talking and watching tv. We kissed a lot the whole weekend but again I didn't let it go further. He got me coffee and piggy backed me through the snow and it was like I was living in this alternate reality where we had never broken up.


Yesterday and today he's been pulling away a little. Yesterday I didn't really hear from him until he texted me a heart and then I saw him in the library, today I saw him at breakfast but he hardly said a word. I started panicking thinking he's about to drop me again, but then I texted him
"is everything ok? You seemed quiet at breakfast. I know we haven't talked yet about us but I want to be there for you, but I'm also trying not to push or force anything because I don't know where we stand and I don't want to get hurt again." He just said that he wasn't okay and didn't say anything else. I ran into him leaving his class in a suit, turns out he's going straight home for the funeral. I feel so selfish, like I was pressuring him to talk about us while he has this going on. I just had no clue the funeral was today and now it explains the distance. He was in a hurry but I grabbed him and hugged him and told him to call me later if he needs to talk.

I genuinely have no idea what to make of the situation. My head is spinning. This is NOT how I was expecting things to go. I cannot let myself forget everything that happened over the last month, but every part of me just wants to fall right back into where we left off which is how it felt this weekend. Once things calm down with his family I'm going to talk to him. A big part of me is scared he's just grieving and lonely and emotional and needs someone, but then again he wanted to talk to me before he even found out about the death in the family, it's just hard to separate the two situations. I'm going to give him (and myself) some space so he can grieve and so I can clear my thoughts with some distance and think about what I really want/need. I know if I get back with him I'm only going to get hurt again, but I also don't even know if he wants to be back together. There's just so much up in the air right now. My biggest difficulty right now is controlling my anxious thoughts and reminding myself that him being distant is because he just lost a family member and is processing.

The situation is just so complicated and I'm trying not to analyze everything or take anything personally while he's going through all of this. I just want to be there for him and take away all of his pain, but I can't let myself forget everything that's happened.
hope18 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th March 2019, 4:06 PM   #162
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 13,409
Abort mission, girl.

You're about to get back on a merry-go-round that will end the same way the previous two rides did.
ExpatInItaly is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th March 2019, 4:29 PM   #163
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 165
And I know that's exactly what I should/need to do, but it's like I physically can't. I feel like an idiot, I know 100% that if we go back into this I would get hurt again whether it's weeks or months from now.

But I don't even know where things stand after this weekend, like I said we didn't get to talk about "us". I feel like he thinks we're back together, last night in the library he made a comment about how we should go see a Red Sox game this summer and that kind of caught me off guard that he's thinking into the future.

Everything is just so up in the air and we need to talk but I don't want to push while he's grieving.
hope18 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th March 2019, 6:29 PM   #164
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 1,307
Did I say I hate being right all the time?



Anyway at least you didn't have sex with him.
Normm is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th March 2019, 6:36 PM   #165
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 165
In all honesty I just said in my post that I don't need people's judgment or criticism. I genuinely need help and advice because I am struggling with a complicated and painful situation so if you aren't going to offer that please refrain from commenting. I'm on here for support, not to be made to feel worse.

I am well aware of the risks and complications that come with this and I am well aware of the consequences of any decisions I have made as well as the ones that come with decisions I have yet to make.
hope18 is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
He went from saying "I love you" on the first date to not saying much now Newheregirl Dating 4 29th November 2018 1:38 PM
Male friend fallen for me? He's now acting distant! ***Updated*** Toshop89 Dating 20 23rd November 2017 4:15 AM
Is he being distant or am I being paranoid? [UPDATE: Boyfriend broke up with me] StarGirl17 Breaks and Breaking Up 65 17th January 2017 10:07 AM
Guy Acts Distant After Saying He Wants a Relationship nightdreamer Dating 17 5th November 2014 12:03 AM
Saying you want to wait until marriage is like saying you've got the ebola virus... Veronica2025 Dating 66 3rd June 2013 3:28 AM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 10:42 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2018 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.