Girlfriend broke up just out of the blue

[James5791BBB]

Hi all started seeing this girl start of December she’s 38 I’m 43 all was going good we had agreed to take things slowly which works best for me I was taking control, we were seeing each other 2 days a week and on the 3rd date I got introduced to her family I sort of went with the flow , we were getting on fine and by the third date we were getting physical which was all good no complaints, she has 2 kids who seemed to like me and the younger want her mum a lot so I made room for her and every Sunday made a point of taking her kids out , we had made plans to go away for my birthday this weekend her idear and also booked a trip to Las Vegas in nov 19 which see new about and was so excited as I was paying for the hole thing I’m kind like that that was booked 20 days ago , 10 days she cancel at date stating she was feeling overwhelmed now I no I can be super caring super attentive and would go out of my way to help anyone and I had told her not to get this mixed up with codependency are needy which I’m not I’m just a very caring and helpful guy , anyway when I got the text cancelling the date I texted back ok , 7 days latter I texted her asking what was going on did she need help are space , I got a reply stating she needed me to move on and that she should never have got into a realationship after the last time ( I don’t no what that meant ) I texted her last night to see how she was replayed ( everything is still **** and I really don’t want to talk about anything as it won’t help , what should I do is there anyways I can go about trying to win her back as that would be my no1 objective are do I just cut my loses and put it down to a life lesson all be it a very expensive one , any help would be so so much appreciated

Many thank james

[PRW]

You didn't take it slow.

 

To early to start playing as the new daddy to the kids, but this one is a grey area and can be complicated.

stating she was feeling overwhelmed now

Vegas trip was way too over the top way way too soon.

 

I didn't even see where you both agreed to even be exclusive yet. At 43yo I can tell you that things are not like when you were a kid and the girl was your "girlfriend" right from the first date. It doesn't work like that any longer.

 

Spend some time with Harry Wilmington's material. Here's his YouTube channel. He hasn't been doing new vids,...he seems to have switched to audio only and you have to go to his site to listen to those. But the vids are still great material.

https://www.youtube.com/user/StopLosingWomen/videos

 

I can be super caring super attentive and would go out of my way to help anyone and I had told her not to get this mixed up with codependency are needy which I’m not I’m just a very caring and helpful guy

It doesn't matter how you try to spin it, it is still smothering.

 

I got a reply stating she needed me to move on and that she should never have got into a realationship after the last time ( I don’t no what that meant )

It just means too much, too fast, too soon,...and she fled from it.

 

 

Not much chance of "winning her back". A break up is like getting fired from a job. If you get fired do you actually go back a beg for you job back? It doesn't work. Even if you got "re-hired" it doesn't last.

[skanzer]

Hi all started seeing this girl start of December she’s 38 I’m 43 all was going good we had agreed to take things slowly which works best for me I was taking control, we were seeing each other 2 days a week and on the 3rd date I got introduced to her family I sort of went with the flow , we were getting on fine and by the third date we were getting physical which was all good no complaints, she has 2 kids who seemed to like me and the younger want her mum a lot so I made room for her and every Sunday made a point of taking her kids out , we had made plans to go away for my birthday this weekend her idear and also booked a trip to Las Vegas in nov 19 which see new about and was so excited as I was paying for the hole thing I’m kind like that that was booked 20 days ago , 10 days she cancel at date stating she was feeling overwhelmed now I no I can be super caring super attentive and would go out of my way to help anyone and I had told her not to get this mixed up with codependency are needy which I’m not I’m just a very caring and helpful guy , anyway when I got the text cancelling the date I texted back ok , 7 days latter I texted her asking what was going on did she need help are space , I got a reply stating she needed me to move on and that she should never have got into a realationship after the last time ( I don’t no what that meant ) I texted her last night to see how she was replayed ( everything is still **** and I really don’t want to talk about anything as it won’t help , what should I do is there anyways I can go about trying to win her back as that would be my no1 objective are do I just cut my loses and put it down to a life lesson all be it a very expensive one , any help would be so so much appreciated

Many thank james

 

You started dating her in December, and you already booked a trip for November 2019? That is a lot of pressure. It's as if you're keeping her on the hook until that trip comes which is so far off, don't you think?

[James5791BBB]

Thank you for all your reply’s I do realise I made a lot of mistake probably born out of marriage breakup , but these trips were mostly her ideals , and tbh there was no signs that things were getting in top of her , anyway I now realise my mistakes , and I’m now thinking there would be any going back , would I be wise sending her a letter stating my mistakes how I’ve learned from them and how different it would be in the future and if I do send a letter should I leave it for a while , are would that be a stupid idear

[PRW]

But these trips were mostly her ideals , and tbh there was no signs that things were getting in top of her

It doesn't matter if things were her idea. Women aren't dating robots either, they make bad decisions too. It is your job as the guy leading the dating situation to regulate it an keep the pace under control. I'm certain there were plenty of signs but you just didn't see them because you are out of practice and don't know what to look for.

...be wise sending her a letter stating my mistakes how I’ve learned from them and how different it would be in the future

That would look weak, over-invested, and groveling. It is also the kind of non-sense you see in stupid Hollywood movies. It doesn't work in reality.

...would that be a stupid idea

Really bad idea. If she contacts you,...try to make a date (a very simple one) without dancing around the idea. But if you don't hear from her then move on. The one who does the dumping has to be the one to make contact.

[James5791BBB]

No problem PRW thanks for your advice I sort of do no we’re i went wrong it’s sort of nice to get it confirmed learn from it for future dates , you no I did go into the realationship knowing wat not to do , but over Xmas I lost my way ( I don’t see my 4 kids still fighting for them ) so Xmas was particularly hard and in knowing I’ve lent on her to much big mistake if I had to do it again it would be done differently thats for sure , but PRW I was in away lead into this overwhelmed situation as she discribs by 3 weeks I had meet all her family she had not meet any of mine on the second date I meet her parents , and I never tried to play daddy I seen her Friday nights and sundays both times her parents babysat the kids but on the Sunday the kids were unhappy at her parents house and I thought instead of the lady in question feeling tourn I suggested on sundays doing a park n walk my thinking was that would hopefully keep everyone happy and also she organised the weekend for my birthday I played no part at all and also she new I was a chef and asked me could I help her lose weight not that she needed to but I was making her unhappy so I agreed and she lost 5ib in a week she was elated , also I helped her with chours around the house as things were getting on top of like tidying her back garden put 2 tv brackets put a punch bag up for her son for Xmas lots of things like that ( she always asked me I never interfered our suggested, the only mistake I made was that she new how I felt about and the reason I did that was because life was getting on top of her and I thought a bit of affection mite make her feel a bit better , the only obvious mistake I made was booking Vegas of which we had talked about from the start and she said it was a life long dream of hers to go to Vegas my reply was my divorce settlement was coming through the middle of this year her reply was that would be fantastic and wen I did book it and told her she was like nobody has ever treated me the way u do with so much care n attention this is the best present I’ve ever been bought 2019 is going to be OUR YEAR only for a week later to get the I’m overwhelmed text just fancy a nite with her child I also was for bringing down all her food for the impending week to help her with her diet she said bring them down tomorrow £80 worth of food and I actually believe she was gonna ghost me as she never contacted me for 3 days I contacted her only to get the ( I need u to move on it’s me it’s not you , you are way to good for me , in fact on thinking about it twice during the realationship she eluded to not being good enough for me what ever that means , thank u PRW for taking time to read help and help me understand wat is happening it’s been enlightening

Thanks james

[Normm]

You state that you aren't needy and then you go on about how to win her back. Sorry but that's a huge contradiction in what you say vs what you do.

 

 

If you weren't needy you wouldn't even be posting on here about her and contemplating sending her a sappy letter full of apologies and beating yourself up about your mistakes. You'd already be clicking through dating profiles.

[PRW]

No problem PRW thanks for your advice I sort of do no we’re i went wrong it’s sort of nice to get it confirmed learn from it for future dates , you no I did go into the realationship knowing wat not to do , but over Xmas I lost my way

I understand. It happens all the time.

Go to the link I gave in my first post. It is time to start somewhere, and that is a place to start.

[PRW]

Here's a good one to start with:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8kpbLrVh0Gw

[James5791BBB]

You state that you aren't needy and then you go on about how to win her back. Sorry but that's a huge contradiction in what you say vs what you do.

 

 

If you weren't needy you wouldn't even be posting on here about her and contemplating sending her a sappy letter full of apologies and beating yourself up about your mistakes. You'd already be clicking through dating profiles.

 

Oh I honestly don’t think I’m needy in 3 years I’ve rebuilt my life from losing my marriage kids house job living on the streets due to opied addiction got clean got a house got 2 jobs lost 2 stone weight I’m feeling really good , I’ve never had a problem getting girls ( it’s just keeping them some of them) in fact I’d a new girl the next day after breaking up from the girl in question granted I lost my way for a couple of weeks over Xmas due to what I’ve stated above , the reason I want to win her back was because she was special she stood out and I no I made mistakes and I just wanted to no would it be wise to try and win her back , it would not be a grovling letter it would be a letter would be highlighted my mistakes and why they happened and how it would be different n reminding her of the good times wee really did get on well she finished my sentences I replicated , but if this was not to work I can take it on the chin I’ve had way way worse I was just looking some good advice some impartial advice as to the way forward

[James5791BBB]

Here's a good one to start with:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8kpbLrVh0Gw

 

I will look at YouTube tonight PRW and let u no how I get on , see things for me r a little bit harder I’m 3 years outta a 18 year marriage and I no how things work wen I take a step back my issue seems to be wen I’m in the thick of a realationship I get blured with realationship fog , I get caught up in trying not to do the things that led to my marriage failure get caught up with that n lose site of all the other important issues if u get me PRW

Thanks again janes

[Cersei]

I don't know if this is good or bad advice but good people of Loveshack please feel free to weigh in.

 

What if you ignore her and don't contact her for 2 weeks; then at that point call her up and say "Look we moved way too fast. Are you interested in starting again and getting to know each other more slowly?"

 

That way she will have time to miss you and if you get no answer or a bad one at least you will know that you tried.

[James5791BBB]

I don't know if this is good or bad advice but good people of Loveshack please feel free to weigh in.

 

What if you ignore her and don't contact her for 2 weeks; then at that point call her up and say "Look we moved way too fast. Are you interested in starting again and getting to know each other more slowly?"

 

That way she will have time to miss you and if you get no answer or a bad one at least you will know that you tried.

 

Yes that’s exactly the sort of thing I was thinking, holding my hands up telling her how it’s gonna be n reseting cause we were really good at the start I lost my way I no what went wrong I no how to fix it , summit like that

[PRW]

I don't know if this is good or bad advice but good people of Loveshack please feel free to weigh in.

 

What if you ignore her and don't contact her for 2 weeks; then at that point call her up and say "Look we moved way too fast. Are you interested in starting again and getting to know each other more slowly?"

 

That way she will have time to miss you and if you get no answer or a bad one at least you will know that you tried.

Nope! Not gonna work. It might work on a needy clingy woman that you don't want anyway.

 

It is true that she needs to miss you, but it doesn't mean that she is going to miss you in the first place. You will only know if that is true by when she makes the contact and responds to a date offer. She might even make contact for some kind of side reason,...still reject a date offer,...because she STILL doesn't miss you and still isn't interested.

[Normm]

the reason I want to win her back was because she was special she stood out

 

 

She doesn't want to be with you anymore. After a short month she made it clear that she intends to move on and expects you to do the same. Stop making it about what you want she's not some sort of inanimate object to add to your collection, she's a person with her own needs and wants and you are not part of her future plans.

[PRW]

Yes that’s exactly the sort of thing I was thinking, holding my hands up telling her how it’s gonna be n reseting cause we were really good at the start I lost my way I no what went wrong I no how to fix it , summit like that

I know the logic and thought processes here,...but it just doesn't work. I know you may not think so right now because you have to study this stuff more first,...but this would be a very needy thing to do and you would completely give up your power. It would take way way too much for me to explain all of it here, but it would make you look really bad and she would lose respect for you. She would end up looking down on you for it. You can't negotiate a women's feelings like you were buying a car or something. It is never about what she thinks of you,...it is always about how she feels about you.

 

Rejection breeds obsession. You feel like you do because it was you that got rejected and it wasn't on your terms. This happens all the time. You just have to recognize it for what it is.

[James5791BBB]

PRW you stated , true by when she makes the contact and responds to a date offer , does that mean u contact her about a date offer are what , is that a typo error

[PRW]

PRW you stated , true by when she makes the contact and responds to a date offer , does that mean u contact her about a date offer are what , is that a typo error

She contacts, you respond with offering to get together somewhere. In her case I would say somewhere neutral, not her place or your place. No you do not initiate the contact, it has to come from her.

[James5791BBB]

She contacts, you respond with offering to get together somewhere. In her case I would say somewhere neutral, not her place or your place. No you do not initiate the contact, it has to come from her.

 

Ok buddy I understand, I really appreciate your constructive and educating advice it’s been enlightening and confirming for which I appreciate a lot your a credit to this forum , I’ll just maintain radio silence for now any updates I’ll let u no

Thank you James