Can I trust this woman?

[172029]

I have never felt this bad in my entire life, I feel as though someone has died and that the person I fell in love with simply does not exist. Even my friends have seen a decline in me, have said she is controlling, and that they are concerned.

 

My girlfriend has displayed severe outbursts of anger of the past 3 months for the smallest things, her mobile phone has always been an issue in our relationship as she has to answer everything immediately, and she says it causes her anxiety because she feels like whenever any messages she may be in trouble. Her mother is narcissistic and abusive, but I am often left wondering if there is more to it.

 

We have been seeing each other on and off for 2 years, with an actual official relationship since the middle of last year. It took my that long because I came out of a really abusive marriage, so I know I have my own trust issues also.

 

During our time together I noticed a lot of red flags. She had a message from a guy in November which read "Hey, how's it going? Xxx" which she told me was someone from Tinder in October 2016, just before we started dating. I find it hard to imagine a guy would message after 2.3 years, and if they did why such a casual message like you've spoken recently? This along with other signs was my first doubts.

 

Having talked about this with her, two weeks later she had deleted the message and she had another from August 2018 which was different from a guy with 3 lines of text on instead of one. She told me that this was the person from Tinder in October 2016, where as I know that because she changed her story she had lied to me. This really hurt, and before these she did have messages with guys but I trusted her. She never replied to those messages and blocked them but I can't stop thinking about why she would lie.

 

Within the last month or maybe 6 weeks she started having panic attacks recently and I wonder if it's guilt. She did go through a traumatic experience but my gut is wondering otherwise. Another example of something else that didn't add for me was the fact that I noticed a change in pattern and that she was online (Facebook/WhatsApp) an awful lot (like constantly).

 

I noticed she was on their from 10am until 1.35am which sounds fine, but here is the weird thing. She said to me that she messaged back a friend, and spent loads of time writing and rewriting messages within the App to a friend she had fallen out with. The hard part for me with this was that she kept changing her story, I know I should not be questioning these things but up until this point and with the first lie my gut was screaming something wasn't right. So having spoke with her about this, I found that when she said she went on to reply to someone, that this person she replied too was actually the day before she was online for this long, and for that entire day even though she was on for 14 hours probably logging in and out maybe 10-20 times there was not a single message in there. Who logs into WhatsApp 10-20 times in a day without receiving or sending a single message?

 

I feel like she has lied to me, my gut is telling me bad things yet she begged me for 5 hours not to leave, on the floor on her knees crying her eyes out, she said she hated herself for hurting me but she always refused any admittance when I brought these things up and told me it wasn't the case, even though she didn't have a straight story for either of them. I left it saying I need a 1 month break to get myself back together as this was affecting me along with her very fragile state currently over the last month (she's signed off work). So I guess the question is, if she swears her innocence yet I catch her lying and I love this woman, could this be purely what she says, am I thinking too much into it, or is there more? During our break she was texting a lot of guys and sending selfies, nothing dirty but it made me uncomfortable because if she loved me like she says she does then why would she contact someone at midnight with selfies of her on a night out? It's a work colleague, and she says she was drunk.

 

This is ripping me apart because I had an amazing connection with this woman, something I have never experienced in my life and she continually tells me I am the love of her life. My head bounces between these things and I wonder if she's honest or whether she is simply manipulating me and someone I don't know who will cheat at the drop of a hat. My friend is an anxiety coach and when I asked her to speak to her for help with her initial issues surrounding this traumatic experience she refuses multiple times which we both found strange, then she did one night and my friend said she saw what she thought was a red flag. She asked her when her first panic attack was (which she told me initially she couldn't remember) and she replied it was something about work but not at work, so my friend said she felt it could be guilt from someone at work. I know this is all open debate and questionable but I literally don't know where to turn with this, I am worried I have got involved with someone I really didn't know, as she was very controlling with me at times and had anger outbursts over nothing on regular occasions which has affected my own health. I would really appreciate any advice and rational thought on this?

[El Duendecillo]

Question: Why are you still holding on to this woman?

 

If she is as big of a mess as you've described here, just end it. There are plenty of normal women in the world to date.

[Redhead14]

"I came out of a really abusive marriage" - I think you may have "frying pan" syndrome -- out of the frying pan and into the fire. It appears that history is repeating itself. You were so used to being abused, you don't know what a healthy relationship looks like so you fall into another bad one.

 

"I would really appreciate any advice and rational thought on this?"

 

That is what you need from her . . . send her to the scrap heap. She's a train wreck and making you an emotional wreck.

 

Don't date for a relationship for a long time. Give yourself a chance to breathe and just date casually, for fun for a while. Take time to see "how" other women are, what they have to offer, what you like or don't like. You know for sure you don't like what this woman is offering you. There's better out there and you deserve that.

[ChatroomHero]

From everything you said, she is not honest and she is cheating on you in one way or another, there is no doubt. People don't say sorry for hurting you if they did nothing wrong.

 

 

When she gives an excuse for when she was tied up for hours on FB on Friday but really the reason she used you can pinpoint to Thursday, it's a lie to cover her tracks, but it is a huge red flag because it means she thinks on her feet and will give you an excuse just plausible enough to throw you off. But then when you find it is a definite lie, I would guess she turned it around on you somehow rather than come clean.

 

 

Here's what it comes down to:

You: Why were you on FB so long on Friday?

Her: I had a falling out and was writing and editing what I was going to send to my friend.

You: Ok, that makes sense.

…

You: Wait, that was Thursday, not Friday! I caught you in a lie, 100%, no doubt about it, as red-handed as red-handed could get!

Her: I like Chicken.

 

 

When you deal with a liar like her, if you expect to get your answer from her, you are wasting your time. She will never give you a true answer and every answer will be hedged with how much she thinks she can 'justify' her lie or make it plausible enough that if she wasn't lying, it could be true.

 

 

You already don't trust her. Your gut doesn't trust her. I guarantee going forward anything she does, you will not trust. But you will have many times when things will not add up or you just get a "feeling" that something is not right. Down the road you will piece things together almost subconsciously. Like on February 1st she will say, "Hey, I am craving Ice Cream. I am going to the ice cream store". You'll think ok, odd it's 12 degrees out and she wants ice cream but whatever. It will bother you but it is not completely unnatural, you're kind of a jerk for questioning it you think. Then a month or two later you will have an ah-ha moment...the 2 closest ice cream stores close at 5pm during the winter and you know she left at 5:30pm. When she didn't come home with ice cream and was gone for an hour and a half for what should have taken 15 minutes, she says there was a huge line and since she was craving it so much she ate it in the car and stopped at a gas station 1/2 a mile from home to throw away the napkins...and it will dawn on you there was no huge line in the middle of winter, 1/2 hour after the place closed, and there is no reason she would have stopped at a gas station when she was 30 seconds from home... it was all BS.

 

 

Once the trust is gone, it won't be there in the future. Even if you trust her on Monday March 10th, you know somewhere deep down that on July 7th you likely may have an aha moment and realize you were duped on March 10th.

 

 

If you ask me, it's a crappy cloud hanging over your head. I would bail, if what you wrote is true, there is more than enough to prove she is cheating. You will NEVER get her to admit it though. You will NEVER get validated proof, from her at least. You could walk in on her having sex with a guy and she'd say it was her gynecologist and she asked him to perform the exam at home because she has anxiety of hospitals. You'll get more frustrated that she won't even admit to what you see right before your eyes first-hand. Just bail man, save yourself the trauma.

[loversquarrel]

Does the phrase "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree" mean anything to you? Her mom has a serious issue with her psychological health which in turn no doubt had a negative impact on your girlfriend. She also has problems of her own. Time to move on, it's only going to get worse.

[172029]

From everything you said, she is not honest and she is cheating on you in one way or another, there is no doubt. People don't say sorry for hurting you if they did nothing wrong.

 

 

When she gives an excuse for when she was tied up for hours on FB on Friday but really the reason she used you can pinpoint to Thursday, it's a lie to cover her tracks, but it is a huge red flag because it means she thinks on her feet and will give you an excuse just plausible enough to throw you off. But then when you find it is a definite lie, I would guess she turned it around on you somehow rather than come clean.

 

 

Here's what it comes down to:

You: Why were you on FB so long on Friday?

Her: I had a falling out and was writing and editing what I was going to send to my friend.

You: Ok, that makes sense.

…

You: Wait, that was Thursday, not Friday! I caught you in a lie, 100%, no doubt about it, as red-handed as red-handed could get!

Her: I like Chicken.

 

 

When you deal with a liar like her, if you expect to get your answer from her, you are wasting your time. She will never give you a true answer and every answer will be hedged with how much she thinks she can 'justify' her lie or make it plausible enough that if she wasn't lying, it could be true.

 

 

You already don't trust her. Your gut doesn't trust her. I guarantee going forward anything she does, you will not trust. But you will have many times when things will not add up or you just get a "feeling" that something is not right. Down the road you will piece things together almost subconsciously. Like on February 1st she will say, "Hey, I am craving Ice Cream. I am going to the ice cream store". You'll think ok, odd it's 12 degrees out and she wants ice cream but whatever. It will bother you but it is not completely unnatural, you're kind of a jerk for questioning it you think. Then a month or two later you will have an ah-ha moment...the 2 closest ice cream stores close at 5pm during the winter and you know she left at 5:30pm. When she didn't come home with ice cream and was gone for an hour and a half for what should have taken 15 minutes, she says there was a huge line and since she was craving it so much she ate it in the car and stopped at a gas station 1/2 a mile from home to throw away the napkins...and it will dawn on you there was no huge line in the middle of winter, 1/2 hour after the place closed, and there is no reason she would have stopped at a gas station when she was 30 seconds from home... it was all BS.

 

 

Once the trust is gone, it won't be there in the future. Even if you trust her on Monday March 10th, you know somewhere deep down that on July 7th you likely may have an aha moment and realize you were duped on March 10th.

 

 

If you ask me, it's a crappy cloud hanging over your head. I would bail, if what you wrote is true, there is more than enough to prove she is cheating. You will NEVER get her to admit it though. You will NEVER get validated proof, from her at least. You could walk in on her having sex with a guy and she'd say it was her gynecologist and she asked him to perform the exam at home because she has anxiety of hospitals. You'll get more frustrated that she won't even admit to what you see right before your eyes first-hand. Just bail man, save yourself the trauma.

 

Thank you so much, yes I know everything is a lie and I feel like an idiot for falling for such a person, I am out completely even though she thinks we are on a break, just can't believe I let all this happen and didn't get out sooner.

[172029]

Does the phrase "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree" mean anything to you? Her mom has a serious issue with her psychological health which in turn no doubt had a negative impact on your girlfriend. She also has problems of her own. Time to move on, it's only going to get worse.

 

You're completely right her mum is controlling and aggressive and life very much centres around her and her only, and yes she's a carbon copy but much worse in the fact she no doubt goes to any lengths with all kinds of men to feel any kind of validation.