Not making enough time for relationship; boyfriend decided to end it!

[lovesfool]

I've been seeing a guy for 3 months now and out of the blue he has decided to end it. He is really into me, but he told me that I am not making enough time for him and that he doesn't think I will ever be able to be in a serious relationship until something changes.

 

I work in a very demanding job, and I also have a very rigorous fitness regime of running and some gym time. Weekdays are not very good for me for dates as I'm usually stressed from work and try to unwind with some exercise. I think he has an expectation that I should meet up with him 3 times a week (at least on average as he knows things can crop up), but I find it difficult to commit to that. He also has a lot of free time which makes it all the worse.

 

At best I saw him twice a week, but I'm pretty inflexible and I would have to plan in advance so that I know what my weekly routine will look like. I'm a creature of habit unfortunately.

 

He seems to be crazy about me and truly did not want to break up, but also does not want to spend his time on someone that won't be there for him, which I totally understand.

 

I'm wondering if it's because I'm not as into him as he is into me and as a result I'm not willing to sacrifice other priorities in my life. The only other thing it could be is that I'm not spending enough time with him to develop a closer bond. I'm not a very emotional person, and it takes me a long time to get emotionally attached.

 

Is it important to make sacrifices in your personal life now in order to develop a relationship, or is it a bad sign that I find it difficult to give up some of my fitness regime for the pursuit of love?

[losangelena]

Why do you have such a rigorous fitness regime? Are you a competitive athlete in your spare time?

 

I think being inflexible to the point of not making any time concessions for someone you’re dating is a problem you’ll continue to run into, because part of early dating is wanting to spend lots of time together. I’d say though that if you were truly into a guy, it’d be easier for you to make those sacrifices. This guy just didn’t cut it for you.

 

Alternatively, maybe try dating someone who shares your zeal for fitness, and you can spend time together working out.

[Normm]

I totally get where he's coming from. I don't need to see a girl every day but twice a week and she's so inflexible with her personal routine that she won't make any changes to see me more? No thanks.

 

 

 

Your inflexibility and prioritizing your own personal needs over that of a person you enter a relationship will always work against you. Unless you find a guy that's ok with a part time thing, sort of like a friends with benefits, or some guy who is so noncommital and avoidant that there won't be any real depth to the relationship.

 

 

 

If you're looking for something expect to be disappointed. You can't have it both ways.

[Els]

If a guy didn't want to see me more often than twice a week after having dated for 3 months, my impression would be that he wasn't really interested in me. So I can see where your guy is coming from.

 

 

WERE you interested in him? If you truly were, but you just don't care to see a person more often than twice a week (even if you're into them), then that's probably something that you need to communicate early on. Some men might be OK with that as long as they're given the heads up - although I personally think that a high proportion of those men would be men who aren't particularly interested in you either, or who are desiring a more casual relationship. If you're OK with that, I don't see why it wouldn't work.

[stillafool]

Well you made it clear that he's more into you than you are into him so I imagine that is the real reason you don't want to spend more time with him. When or if you meet a man that you actually want you will make time for him. So obviously this isn't the guy and you are wasting his time. He was right to end it and find a woman who is more interested in a real relationship.

[d0nnivain]

Dating is about finding compatibility. It's not about changing yourself to fit somebody else's ideal. You should haven't to give up who you are to find love. True love fits in your life almost seamlessly. Maybe if you were more into him you would have found some time after your work out routine to share your refueling with him or you would have been willing to get up earlier to work out then to have evenings free for him, but for now, it's just that you & him didn't fit. It's not that you are incapable of love or you are prioritizing wrong.

[preraph]

You are just not compatible. I always think it's weird if a guy or woman says, I want three days a week, or some set time. I mean, life fluctuates, work fluctuates. And I never heard that type stuff when I was young, those type demands. You'll find a guy who also is into fitness and that will help some.

[lovesfool]

Why do you have such a rigorous fitness regime? Are you a competitive athlete in your spare time?

 

No, but I do love the benefits of it - destressing, improvement in health and better physical appearance.

 

WERE you interested in him? If you truly were, but you just don't care to see a person more often than twice a week (even if you're into them), then that's probably something that you need to communicate early on.

 

I was/am. Am I crazy about him? No. That's not to say that it won't happen, I think I just develop feelings slowly. I haven't had a "relationship" that didn't last more than 3 dates since my first love which is maybe 5 years ago now, so that is saying something.

 

Dating is about finding compatibility. It's not about changing yourself to fit somebody else's ideal. You should haven't to give up who you are to find love.

 

I do wonder how true that is. I've always been told that relationships require compromises. I think if I stuck to being that demanding, I would never find love.

 

You are just not compatible. I always think it's weird if a guy or woman says, I want three days a week, or some set time. I mean, life fluctuates, work fluctuates. And I never heard that type stuff when I was young, those type demands. You'll find a guy who also is into fitness and that will help some.

 

Neither of us demanded any number of days a week. I was just doing whatever came naturally and it happened to be 2 days a week on average. He just said that wasn't enough, especially as it usually ended up being the weekend so there's the full 5 day gap between seeing each other.

 

I find it so hard to make a decision in these situations. This is only the second serious relationship I've ever had and I feel that if I didn't give it more time I could be throwing away something special. The other side of me is saying, what if it doesn't work out and I never develop those deep feelings? I just don't know how much to commit.

[d0nnivain]

I've always been told that relationships require compromises. I think if I stuck to being that demanding, I would never find love.

 

There is a difference between compromising & fundamentally giving up who you are.

 

I like the beach & sun. My EX liked to fish. I hate fishing but I would go fishing with him because he liked it. My husband hates the beach so we go on cruises. I get sea & sand . . . he is near me but don't have to come outside during the heat of the day.

 

I'm chatty. DH is quiet. I have learned to appreciate silence more. It has not fundamentally changed who I am but it does give us both breathing room.