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Being rejected - low self esteem


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I just want to get this off my chest.

 

You can read more details about my story with this guy here:

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/sexual-reproductive-health-practices/671239-mixed-feelings-after-great-sex

and here:

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/671983-guy-doesn-t-text-while-vacation

 

But long story short, I dated this guy for ~6 weeks, then he left for his vacation for ~4 weeks, and when he came back, we continued seeing each other for another 3 weeks and now we broke it off. Essentially he rejected me and made me feel incredibly insecure about myself. I guess I just want to it off my chest and get some perspective on the whole thing...

 

The last night that we were together, which was a week ago, I finally had a direct conversation with him about us. I said I liked him and that I wanted us to get to know each other seriously, and that I was not interested in just being a hook-up. It was not like I wanted to a relationship immediately right now, because I recognized that I actually still did not know him very well. I just wanted us to spend more time together, do more fun things together, in order to get to know each other.

 

And so this is what he told me:

- He does not see a future with me because I am still a student (I'm 30 years old and currently full-time in grad school) and don't have my things together yet. Plus, I want to move to another city post-graduation (Yes, it is my preference, but it is not a decision yet, nothing is set in stone).

- He isn't over his ex. His ex of 1.5 years recently came back and wanted to get back together. They broke up in August. He had a close female friend who agreed to comfort him for a month (which female would agree to do that???). And then he and I started going out at the end of October and apparently he wasn't seeing anyone besides me (although we didn't talk about exclusivity or anything). The whole 1.5 year with his ex was long-distance. In the end, she cheated on him, so he broke up with her. But she's been begging and made a lot of effort for him, including moving to a nearby city last month (so the long distance has now reduced from 2 different countries to 2 different cities (roughly 5-hour drive). Also, she recently called his mother to talk about them and wanted him back. And he's considering going to see her to talk things out.

 

There was no concrete/explicit break-up talk between us, but I suppose that was implied somehow... That night, we lied next to each other but neither of us could sleep. The next morning, he dropped me off on his way to work. He was very quiet in the car ride...and he kissed me goodbye on my lips when I got off. He hasn't texted me since - it's been 1 full week.

 

All in all, the relationship is definitely doomed. and I guess that was it. I probably will never hear from him again. I have personally deleted his phone number...

 

However, what he said struck right in the heart of my insecurity. I used to have an international high-paying job, and I used to date super successful men. But I decided to quit my job and went back to graduate school (at one of the most prestigious schools in the world, btw)... The fact that I stepped down in social status and reduced to zero income already took quite an emotional toll on me. It made me feel really insecure but I tried to play cool and make the best out of my situation. But now that someone else verbalized it out loud to me and used it as the reason to reject me, really really broke me down. I came to him with such an open heart, and yet he used my insecurity against me. Further, he used me as a rebound and now he's back with his ex. I feel humiliated. I feel used. I feel really stupid.

 

He also kept telling me how smart his ex was... again, and again. Okay fine, she is a medical doctor. But I was also a strategy consultant at a top-tiered firm. I solved really complex business problems and right now I'm at world's top-tiered business school -- Isn't that smart enough for him??? Like, why did he keep telling me how smart his ex was???? What did he want to imply about my capability??? He also said his ex "was difficult to connect with" and that he now looked for "a girl with good emotional intelligence". And he has told me that I "know how to connect with a man". So I know, it's not that I'm socially awkward or anything like that. It's mostly about brain power, which I personally take pride it. And I feel like, it is such an insult to my intelligence.

 

Furthermore, this guy took a lot of photos with white, blonde women - he posted these photos on his online dating profile (where we met) and his instagram also follow exactly women of this type. I recently learned that his ex was also exactly just that - tall, white, blonde. She's also a native Spanish speaker (which is his native language). I'm petite, Asian, black hair, and I speak English. She and I cannot be any further. I somehow suddenly also feel rejected physically (though this has never been explicitly stated by him). When he first approached me on the dating site, he asked me whether or not I was a Latina because my English name is a Latin name... Like, I feel like he wanted a latina/spanish speak but somehow got stuck with me???? Everyone has a type right? Why did he even bother with me to start with???? Gosh, I ****ing wasted 3 months of my life.

 

I don't know how to get over this. Fact is, this guy is basically gone. But my ego, my self-esteem is seriously bruised. I cannot change my student status any time soon - it is a 2-year program and I still have 1 more year to go. The thought of having to live with this kind of insecurity (and humiliation) for another year is seriously unbearable. I wish I could do something to "level up" fast and make myself feel better, but I physically just can't - I have to follow the program's duration...

 

Can someone please give me some perspective?

Edited by pc31
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Rejection hurts.

You've been rejected. You hurt.

 

You'll heal.

You sound like an attractive intelligent woman who just expanded her boundaries and limits of desire which made you vulnerable.

As you heal, you have the opportunity to explore those new boundaries and limits on your terms, not his terms. Enjoy

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Gosh, I ****ing wasted 3 months of my life.

 

A pretty short term relationship, no?

 

The standard break-up advice is to get drunk once, spend two days listening to sad love songs and then call three friends.

 

Hope this isn't really making you question your graduate program? Life has a way of testing us, I'd guess this is one of those times. Keep your head up and eyes forward, this too will pass...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Time heals. When my last almost-relationship vanished last month for no good reason, I was really hurt for 2 weeks and obsessed a little about the man. I did some reading to process it. Then one day I stopped remembering him all the time. And just like that, he's mostly out of my mind.

 

I wish I was still in grad school, THE BEST place to meet a boyfriend.

 

Don't waste your time suffering for a guy who came up with lame excuses... he was just not that into you, and this is not about you, it's about him and what he's looking for in life... Alain de Botton the philosopher says men look for women who are the opposite of their mother (exciting and/or good girl types) so let's say it's usually our of our control to convince them to like us - my point is you will never know why he wasn't into you, but it's not something you did or didn't do, so stop beating yourself up.

 

Allow yourself 2 weeks to heal from the pain, but pick the pieces up and start looking around at other grad students... use the time you are there, as after that, it gets much more difficult in the real world to find suitable partners.

 

We should all let the people who were not that into us go... and create space for that man who will be crazy about us as we are into them. Hugs. This too shall pass.

 

I don't know how to get over this. Fact is, this guy is basically gone. But my ego, my self-esteem is seriously bruised. I cannot change my student status any time soon - it is a 2-year program and I still have 1 more year to go. The thought of having to live with this kind of insecurity (and humiliation) for another year is seriously unbearable. I wish I could do something to "level up" fast and make myself feel better, but I physically just can't - I have to follow the program's duration...

 

Can someone please give me some perspective?

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I cannot stop crying. I was so good to him. I was so nice to him. Yet the whole time he was thinking about her and used me to fill in his boredom. My god, i feel so humiliated. I have never been in this kind of situation before. I just want to curse him and his life.

 

How do i heel myself?

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I cannot stop crying. I was so good to him. I was so nice to him. Yet the whole time he was thinking about her and used me to fill in his boredom. My god, i feel so humiliated. I have never been in this kind of situation before. I just want to curse him and his life.

 

How do i heel myself?

 

Stop the pity party, stop wallowing in sorrow and hurt, stop writing a love story, get angry and focussed, and then banish him from your thoughts and your life.

Onwards and upwards...

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The fact that I stepped down in social status and reduced to zero income already took quite an emotional toll on me. It made me feel really insecure but I tried to play cool and make the best out of my situation. But now that someone else verbalized it out loud to me and used it as the reason to reject me, really really broke me down.

 

He also kept telling me how smart his ex was... again, and again. [...] It's mostly about brain power, which I personally take pride in. And I feel like, it is such an insult to my intelligence.

 

I dont understand why he gotta make me feel incredibly insecure. And why he gotta compare or insult my brain power/intelligence.

 

I could have repeated something around how my ex had a big dick (which is true)(without having to make any direct comparison) and see how he feels. But i didn't. I could have said something about his super heavy spanish accent when he speaks english. But i didn't. Why does he gotta do this to me??????

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So you say you wasted 3 months...then dont waste 4 months. You are giving him way too much power over you...for what? Shrug him off, and dont waste another day on him. So you're having a pity party for a week or so, thats fine. Sounds like you've got a lot going for you. As long as you keep looking backwards, you'll never find anyone in your future. He's done and over with. Onward and upward.

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Why he made you feel insecure? 1) he’s a dick 2) you’re not secure in yourself enough to drop him right then and there.

 

Work on your own insecurity and ability to spot bad guys.

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This is a man who has such little self-respect that he needs to knock others down to feel better about himself.

 

And you’re going to let him get the best of you?

 

The truth is he was never good enough for YOU.

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OP, based on what you said, I don't see how he insulted your intelligence at all.

You're reading into things.

Take it as his loss that he did not appreciate you because he is so hung up on his ex.

 

I do understand you are hurt because you got attached, have been rejected and feel used as a rebound.

However, the relationship should have ended a long time ago as your needs were not being met and the signs were there that this was more casual for him than you wanted for yourself.

 

Learn from this and don't settle next time.

I hope you feel better soon.

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Sweetie, I wouldn't allow anything a guy says or does that I've only known for three months to affect me the way it's affecting you. He doesn't deserve to have that kind of power over you.

 

That being said, you opened a conversation with him and he was very honest about "where" he was at with you and his reasons were lucid and valid. He didn't do anything wrong.

 

And, you know what's worse than wasting 3 months of your life? -- Wasting 3 months and 1 day. Don't waste another day fretting over this one.

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There was no concrete/explicit break-up talk between us, but I suppose that was implied somehow... That night, we lied next to each other but neither of us could sleep. The next morning, he dropped me off on his way to work. He was very quiet in the car ride...and he kissed me goodbye on my lips when I got off. He hasn't texted me since - it's been 1 full week.

 

 

He whatsapp'ed me today afternoon asking how I am doing (8-9 days after we last met/spoke). I didn't reply because I went hiking and turned off the internet. When I got home in the evening, I saw his message, but I didn't reply. Then, just now, I received an SMS from him, asking if everything is okay?

 

Should I reply to this??? What should I say?

Edited by pc31
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Ignore the SMS then block him from all platforms. He lost the right to be in contact with you when he left.

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Be careful, its been 8-9 days.

He is no doubt a bit horny and is testing you out...

 

Keep "he sees no future with you" and "he is not over his ex" uppermost in your mind and do not let him use you.

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I made a mistake! I replied to him. And now he ignored me. O m g

 

Yesterday 4.34pm: he texted me on whatsapp: "Hey [insert my name], how is it going for you?" (what an awkward way of asking btw, plus the original verison from him has a grammatical mistake)

 

Yesterday 6.47pm: he texted me on SMS: "Hey [insert my name], is everything ok with you?"

 

Today 9.52am: I replied on whatsapp and ignored the sms: "Hey! I'm good. How are you? "

 

And now it'e already 4pm. No reply. How great. Is he playing game or what? HE was the one who wanted to talk to me!! Jeeeeezzz. Grow up.

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girl, this guy is a tool. if he couldn't see you for who you are and not what your current job status is, then why would you be sad about losing such a loser? you're changing into being who you really want to be. your previous job may have had all sorts of social perks, and I get that, you miss some of that, but you are building into something much bigger and brighter.

 

like seeks like. find one who better matches your values. and please, do not respond to him again. you do not need validation from this bozo.

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When you didnt answer him, he probably found someone else to spend time with.

 

Do yourself a favor and block him. Or dont and feel like a loser everytime he texts you. Which he will, when he wants....

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paisleypanther

You're a strong, intelligent, capable woman. Honestly, HE'S the one who is missing out. He's pining over an ex who cheated on him. What does that say about who he is? You can do so much better, and you WILL do so much better. If he couldn't see your worth, that's a him problem.

 

I'm most certain this hurts, but don't let this stop your upward climb. He's gonna look back and think "damn, she really is the one who got away." Men like him are insecure too, but worst of all, they don't know what they want. And then they waste other people's time and emotional support trying to figure it out.

 

When you said you "wasted three months of your life," that's only true if you didn't learn something. I hope you'll be able to look back at this as a learning experience. Also, think of it this way: you're one relationship closer to meeting Mr. Right.

 

I know this hurts, but you will pull through. You've made it this far already.

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To give you an idea of what happened, I'm gonna try to provide some timeline now:

 

Feb 3rd (Saturday) afternoon: He texted on whatsapp: Hey how are you?

Feb 3rd evening: He followed up by SMS: Hey is everything okay?

Feb 4th early morning (10am): I replied: Hey i'm good how are you?

Feb 4th late evening (like 9.30pm): He replied: Good. Kind of busy with [whatever he has been doing]. How are you doing? The last time we met you were really busy.

Feb 5th (Monday) noon: I replied: Of course I'm busy. Everyone is busy. But that's just life.

He replied immediately: Take care of yourself. Dress warm. Don't get too stressed blah blah blah [ as if he cared]

 

Then I replied also almost immediately: You don't have to make small talks. Thought we were done. You aren't over your ex blah blah blah. I wanted to get to know you, while you wanted to use someone to have fun and forget your past. It's really normal that when people don't want the same thing they go their separate ways. Good luck.

 

Then he replied on whatsapp: Saying how I misunderstood him. Quote: "It is none of what you just said. I think you are overthinking". The only reason why he talked about his ex was that "it is because I wanted to share the things, because I trust you, because we're sharing our stuff." And "I don't have anything to do with my ex". And he suggested meeting "for tea" on Feb 7th.

 

I turned off my wifi because I was in class the full day and didn't want to be distressed with his reply. I was gonna turn back my wifi on when I get home. Anyway, I guess cos his whatsapp messages didn't go through, so He copied and pasted them again to SMS, really chased me down, and wanted to meet.

 

Feb 6th (Tuesday), I replied around noon: I thought you made it clear with me that you didn't see a future with me, blah blah. Regardless of your ex, it doesn't change the fact that I'm not happy with whatever we are doing. But if you want, I can meet you on Feb 7th, but meeeting has to be late because I finish class late (at 9pm).

Almost end of Feb 6th and no reply. So i doubled texted: Hey, are we meeting or not, because i need to arrange my day.

 

He replied almost immediately, saying He wants to, but I finish school so late (9pm), so he's not sure if he can make it, he will let me know tomorrow.

Then I said, Well, then just set another day. My next availability is Sunday. No reply from him.

 

Feb 7th (Wednesday), noon time: He said Yea maybe Sunday is better. And then he said he was going on a business trip from the 8th and only comes back on Sunday afternoon blah blah. And he tried to have some more small talks with me, and then of course, once again he dropped off the conversation without saying goodbye.

 

---

 

Today is Saturday. No conversation with him from Wednesday evening until now. Now I know a time to meet tomorrow, but I have no idea of the location. Sigh, this guy doesn't really plan. He takes everything really casually/laid back.

 

I don't know what else to talk to him. I already said what I wanted to say over the 2 text messages that I sent. Personally, I don't see the need for F2F discussion.

 

Why do you think he wants to meet me? To break up with me in person? What should I prepare myself mentally? I'm very soft, emotionally. I feel like if things get heated, I might cry, which I don't want to. I want to prepare myself mentally.... Thank you.

Edited by pc31
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We had a chat about his behavior on instagram - I think I jokingly mentioned (but in a disapproval tone) to him that he followed like a million accounts of half naked people blah blah and he said he was just excited to test the app (wtf?) and that he didn't know he could follow all these people (??) and what he got excited that he could (??). But he didn't like these people blah blah ... So anyway I have noticed that he has stopped using instagram or used it at a very minimal. he doesn't follow new random account and doesn't like half naked photos anymore. The last time we spoke, we were scrolling through his facebook and instagram together. There was one other time that he let me look up something using his phone. It made me feel good when he did that to me. But still, i know he's still on several dating apps. and none of these changed what he said about how he didn't see a future with me :/ jesus. it is so sad :/

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I think you are way, way too emotionally invested in what is essentially a brand new, uncommitted relationship. You seem to lash out at him. It does not sound like you are in a good place to date right now.

 

Further, we are not defined by our jobs. You come off as having an entitlement mentality and view society in almost a caste system, being very judgmental of others as well as yourself.

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Further, we are not defined by our jobs. You come off as having an entitlement mentality and view society in almost a caste system, being very judgmental of others as well as yourself.

 

This has nothing to do with this situation.

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This has nothing to do with this situation.

 

 

It has everything to do with the situation. Look at how your self esteem is suffering because, in your own words, you "stepped down in social status." You said that it had already taken a toll on your emotional state before any of this. You're living with a "keep up with the Jones'" mentality, and it's poisoning you and your relationships.

 

It's ok to want to get a better job, achieve grand successes, but to think it puts you in some special class of people, a higher "social status" as you put it, is elitist, and not what achievement is all about.

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You've got to learn to get back in the saddle. You only dated for six weeks. That was too soon for you to start pressuring for a serious relationship. Especially since you know all this other stuff going on with him! He must think you're delusional for wanting a "serious" relationship with him when he's still going through things with his ex and having other women "comfort" him. Remember, this stuff does not go unnoticed. He's thinking, Boy, she chooses to ignore a lot.

 

Nonetheless, obviously, he's not ready for a new relationship, and you're not blond, and he's a bit of a snob. You've got to know when to hold em and know when to fold em. He's not a match for you. He's still in a relationship. He's critical of you for no reason, so that alone would make me back off him. So snooty! Likes to take you down a peg. He's not anyone you need to be involved with.

 

We all try and get disappointed, in life, work and love. But you've got to learn to accept when something just isn't right and walk away and not take it personally! This is more about him than you. Just accept it was never right and move on.

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