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Will he feel sad later?


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 31st January 2019, 9:14 AM   #1
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Will he feel sad later?

I was in a relationship from last August until last Saturday. We are in our mid-twenties, but I was his first in everything. I could tell he was nervous, as we didn't even officially call it a relationship until November. However, I thought I did see real love in huis eyes whenever he looked at me and he always did the sweetest things for me. He was the one I felt 100% safe with. The problems started in December when my recurring depression made a reappearance. It felt like he wasn't really ready to be there for me and that he didn't know what tot do. He dumped me this week, saying he 'doesn't have any feelings anymore and they won't come back'. I made the mistake of calling him on Tuesday and he mentioned how he wasn't really bothered by the breakup at all. Meanwhile, I am here completely devastated and so confused.
How can be throw away his first relationship so easily? How can he go from finally being certain in November to this within 2 months? Is he just not ready for a relationship? Will he later on feel upset? Will he ever come back?
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Old 31st January 2019, 10:00 AM   #2
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No he won't come back. You have unreasonable expectations in that you expected a 20 something in his first relationship to know how to deal with your medical issues. He's not a doctor. He may eventually feel nostalgic but I doubt reconciliation is in the cards. You best focus on your healing.
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Old 31st January 2019, 4:37 PM   #3
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Originally Posted by CPpanther View Post
The problems started in December when my recurring depression made a reappearance. It felt like he wasn't really ready to be there for me and that he didn't know what tot do.
Well, no, he probably didn't. At his age and with his lack of relationship experience, it's understandable that he didn't know how to respond. Few really would, at any age, if they haven't already had some experience with depression either within themselves or with a loved one. It's a lot to process, but particularly when the relationship is so new. A partner of mine once suffered a pretty intense depressive episode for a while, and I can tell you it was incredibly draining for me - and we'd already been together a couple years by that point. I knew he was struggling, and I tried to support him the best way I knew how, but I would be lying if I said that it wasn't that hard for me. It was.

You also have to consider what your own expectations were. When you say your depression re-emerged, what happened exactly? What symptoms did you experience? In what did you feel he wasn't there for you?

It's hard to say if he'll be back, but I am going to lean towards no. Depression isn't your fault, but it is a lot for a partner to walk that road with you when you've only been together a few months. He knows he can't give you what you want, and he isn't ready to sign up as your supporter on your journey back to an emotionally-healthy state. Are you currently receiving any treatment for your depression?

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Old 1st February 2019, 3:40 PM   #4
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Well, no, he probably didn't. At his age and with his lack of relationship experience, it's understandable that he didn't know how to respond. Few really would, at any age, if they haven't already had some experience with depression either within themselves or with a loved one. It's a lot to process, but particularly when the relationship is so new. A partner of mine once suffered a pretty intense depressive episode for a while, and I can tell you it was incredibly draining for me - and we'd already been together a couple years by that point. I knew he was struggling, and I tried to support him the best way I knew how, but I would be lying if I said that it wasn't that hard for me. It was.

You also have to consider what your own expectations were. When you say your depression re-emerged, what happened exactly? What symptoms did you experience? In what did you feel he wasn't there for you?

It's hard to say if he'll be back, but I am going to lean towards no. Depression isn't your fault, but it is a lot for a partner to walk that road with you when you've only been together a few months. He knows he can't give you what you want, and he isn't ready to sign up as your supporter on your journey back to an emotionally-healthy state. Are you currently receiving any treatment for your depression?
Thank you for the detailed reply. It is good to hear what it is like from the other side. I am mainly dealing with issues of fear of abandonment, so I would mainly just get really scared of losing him, him not liking me, etc. Of course this only makes this happen. He had more of a fear of attachment so as you can imagine we probably took eachother down.
However, I had a talk with him today. I told him I agree that I need time alone to deal with my issues (I am having a therapy intake session next Tuesday). But that I still have hope for a future. Maybe our feelings are not gone but simply covered up by this situation. He said that he could not promise anything but that he would keep an open mind about me. We will talk in a couple of months when I hopefully will at least have some knowledge about how to deal with my emotions. I really hope I am doing the right thing.
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Old 1st February 2019, 4:32 PM   #5
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I am mainly dealing with issues of fear of abandonment, so I would mainly just get really scared of losing him, him not liking me, etc.
And how often did you question him about these things?

The problem with this dynamic is that it puts the partner under too much pressure - pressure to reassure and soothe and not upset the applecart. Most people are afraid of losing their partners, but it's how you deal with the anxiety that makes the difference. The inability to self-soothe can be very detrimental to a relationship, when one person is expecting the other to bear the burnt of their fears and ultimately make them responsible for their emotional well-being.

We all need reassurance now and again, to be fair. It's important to feel loved by your partner. But when this need for soothing starts happening frequently - especially when your relationship is still in the honeymoon stages - it can quickly kill the spark and make the relationship seem more like a drag than a pleasure.
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Old 1st February 2019, 4:56 PM   #6
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And how often did you question him about these things?

The problem with this dynamic is that it puts the partner under too much pressure - pressure to reassure and soothe and not upset the applecart. Most people are afraid of losing their partners, but it's how you deal with the anxiety that makes the difference. The inability to self-soothe can be very detrimental to a relationship, when one person is expecting the other to bear the burnt of their fears and ultimately make them responsible for their emotional well-being.

We all need reassurance now and again, to be fair. It's important to feel loved by your partner. But when this need for soothing starts happening frequently - especially when your relationship is still in the honeymoon stages - it can quickly kill the spark and make the relationship seem more like a drag than a pleasure.
I agree with everything you're saying. Since I started having this issue again, which was late December, I probably had a breakdown once a week. It must have been emotionally draining for him.
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