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Hard time continuously facing my ex


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Old 31st January 2019, 9:11 AM   #1
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Hard time continuously facing my ex

Kind people of planet earth,

A couple months ago I put my full story on here and received some harsh and some helpful responses. I just came out of a relationship with a girl that suffers from ptsd. She cheated on me, I reacted badly, and then she blamed me for the reaction. People on here confronted me that I was in a toxic situation. There were other 'red flags' too. I think she really doesn't mean to act the way she does, but it was a very turbulent period because she took most of her issues out on me and has some self sabotaging tendencies. She is also extremely avoidant and due to a previous relationship I have been in, I guess I have become anxious. The girl has gone into therapy. The last real contact we had was me sending her a card saying that I am proud that she went into therapy and that I hope she will recover from her past trauma. We ran into each other at a party after I gave her the card, and then she hugged me for a very long time (like fifteen minutes), thanked me for the card, and then went off into the crowd again.

My ''issue'' now: I am on the board of a mountaineering club (that she is a member of) which means I have to attend most meetings/parties/climbing events of the club. After this turbulent relationship/break up, she seems to attend almost every activity (also activities where there's really no point for her being there in my opinion - but that could be my perception). Most people say she just really enjoys being at club meetings - and to the outside world she does seem like the happiest person alive.. It might sound a bit stupid, but I almost feel scared of her. She was very accusatory at the end of the relationship/was somewhat manipulative/could lash out which impacted my self esteem badly...

I have a hard time with her being 'hot and cold' and not knowing which person I am going to face. I also find it hard seeing her act so happy while I know that it's not really 'true'. Sometimes she comes up to me to hug me/chat as if nothing ever happened. Other times she ignores me completely. I know she struggles and still deals with panic attacks/ptsd so I know she's not purposefully doing this but I don't know what is a proper way to cope. Seeing her so often makes it harder to move on. I tried initially to reestablish contact and reconcile but she has a lot to deal with and is very confused. Atm there wasn't much more I could do than what I did by sending her a card saying I still care for her and support her decision to go into therapy. Whenever she's around I just don't feel comfortable, and find it hard to focus on conversations.

I try to focus on my work, my friends and my music. I picked up new hobbies and am volunteering at a homeless shelter, but it seems like whenever I make some progress in my recovery I fall back again when I see her. Maybe it's only a matter of time but these feelings have now lasted for the same amount of time as the relationship... So I am somewhat at a loss and needed to vent. A response is much appreciated. Thanks for listening.
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Old 31st January 2019, 10:12 AM   #2
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Ignore her as best you can. I'm sure there are members in the group who you are not close to. Treat her like one of them, not affirmatively mean but certainly not like a warm friendship. When she tries to hug you step back. When she is coming toward you, walk away. In short be a little impolite to her & do not engage. Otherwise quit the board & avoid her altogether.
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Old 31st January 2019, 1:15 PM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Formanian View Post
Kind people of planet earth,

A couple months ago I put my full story on here and received some harsh and some helpful responses. I just came out of a relationship with a girl that suffers from ptsd. She cheated on me, I reacted badly, and then she blamed me for the reaction. People on here confronted me that I was in a toxic situation. There were other 'red flags' too. I think she really doesn't mean to act the way she does, but it was a very turbulent period because she took most of her issues out on me and has some self sabotaging tendencies. She is also extremely avoidant and due to a previous relationship I have been in, I guess I have become anxious. The girl has gone into therapy. The last real contact we had was me sending her a card saying that I am proud that she went into therapy and that I hope she will recover from her past trauma. We ran into each other at a party after I gave her the card, and then she hugged me for a very long time (like fifteen minutes), thanked me for the card, and then went off into the crowd again.

My ''issue'' now: I am on the board of a mountaineering club (that she is a member of) which means I have to attend most meetings/parties/climbing events of the club. After this turbulent relationship/break up, she seems to attend almost every activity (also activities where there's really no point for her being there in my opinion - but that could be my perception). Most people say she just really enjoys being at club meetings - and to the outside world she does seem like the happiest person alive.. It might sound a bit stupid, but I almost feel scared of her. She was very accusatory at the end of the relationship/was somewhat manipulative/could lash out which impacted my self esteem badly...

I have a hard time with her being 'hot and cold' and not knowing which person I am going to face. I also find it hard seeing her act so happy while I know that it's not really 'true'. Sometimes she comes up to me to hug me/chat as if nothing ever happened. Other times she ignores me completely. I know she struggles and still deals with panic attacks/ptsd so I know she's not purposefully doing this but I don't know what is a proper way to cope. Seeing her so often makes it harder to move on. I tried initially to reestablish contact and reconcile but she has a lot to deal with and is very confused. Atm there wasn't much more I could do than what I did by sending her a card saying I still care for her and support her decision to go into therapy. Whenever she's around I just don't feel comfortable, and find it hard to focus on conversations.

I try to focus on my work, my friends and my music. I picked up new hobbies and am volunteering at a homeless shelter, but it seems like whenever I make some progress in my recovery I fall back again when I see her. Maybe it's only a matter of time but these feelings have now lasted for the same amount of time as the relationship... So I am somewhat at a loss and needed to vent. A response is much appreciated. Thanks for listening.
Hello,
I have gone through this myself and I know how hard it is. Once you finally start accepting your new single life you look at your ex and your fall apart again.
I have broken up with my boyfriend over a year ago and I still see him. Sometimes he waits until I get out of my classes just to stare at me and it has been a long time.

Personally, I am over it now. I donít want him and I just ignore and follow my life and I am rarely affected by his presence anymore.

Time is whatís going to help you the most. Most people will tell you to take your mind off the situation and find distractions but if you know deep down youíre running from the thought of that one person she is going to pop in your mind in your free time.

The only thing you can do to help yourself is accept reality. The reality is that youíre not with this girl. Itís easier said than done, I know. What helped me accomplish this acceptance was reflecting on the relationship and understand why it needed to end. Once you understand that it needed to end without trying to justify her actions or what you could have done better it will be a lot easier for you.

Take care.
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Old 31st January 2019, 1:53 PM   #4
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I agree with d0nnivain, you treat her like somebody you barely know. And yes, when she goes to hug you, step back. Put some distance between you two. She will get the hint.
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