GF Ended Relationship - Guidance Needed

[lookingforguidance]

As the title suggests and my username suggests I am here looking for some input and guidance.

 

I am a middle aged guy who suffers from social anxiety and because of that I have only ever had one relationship before this one and that was a long time ago.

 

The lady in question I have worked with for a couple of years and her last relationship ended last year.

 

Over Christmas we got texting and got together in the new year, unfortunately she decided a few days ago that she is not actually ready and has too much on her mind to be with me. Literally in the space of 24 hours she went from loving kiss to the end and it was all done electronically she made any excuse not to do it face to face, seeing her in work afterwards she looked petrified and nervous. Just 24 hours before we had dates planned, days off from work booked and planning get togethers etc.

 

Her words were that she felt it wrong to blow hot and cold with me and that she needed space mentally. She felt I needed and wanted more from her than she can give - personally just being together was enough. She says she hopes to come back in the future as she has fallen for me but does not know when and does not want to feel pressured. When she ended it she said she wanted to remain best friends with me, and that she still wanted to be able to have a hug from me and meet up outside of work. Essentially this only ruled out kissing and committing to being in a relationship which to me seems a little like the old expression of having ones cake and eating it.

 

The lady in question has never had a good relationship they have all been mentally / physically abusive from mild to extreme one way or another until this one, I could not abuse her if my life depended on it and she knows this full well. Its one of the reasons she fell for me, that and I listen and guide her not control her.

 

She is helping a friend that is going through a similar experience and not coping well so it is taking alot out of her mentally and physically and will be for a while. I totally supported her doing this as it was something she wanted to do and knew I was down her priority list. Then just before the end she found out another family member had been abused years ago.

 

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Given my history I was overjoyed as you can imagine to be in a relationship and felt a lot for her and had for a while (months). I at times did come over a little strong which she noted and asked to slow down which I did as at that point she had told me her history and one complaint she had was never being listened to. She acknowledged that I listened, did what she asked and when I was told of her history I did and said everything correctly - in her words "I got it"

 

She thinks I now hate her because I cannot fully give her what she wants, we have spoken and I have told her why which essentially is I only have to look at her and I melt and she knows that I had fallen for her hard. She is everything I ever wanted in a woman.

 

At the moment I do not know what to do:

 

1. Walk away completely, be just work colleagues.
   
2. Walk away, be just work colleagues and just wait and see.
   
3. Get some mental barriers up, which is hard given how I feel and then give her more of my time or rather what she has asked for. We were very good friends before getting together. I have told her that I will never turn her away if she is in need but at the moment I have asked for some space. We do interact on a business level.
   
4. Drop little hints, and if so what, that I am still here and want her.
   

 

Hope I have given enough for some help and guidance. She knows without being told that she has broken my heart.

Edited January 30, 2019 by lookingforguidance

[PRW]

 

1. Walk away completely, be just work colleagues.
   
2. Walk away, be just work colleagues and just wait and see.
   
3. Get some mental barriers up, which is hard given how I feel and then give her more of my time or rather what she has asked for. We were very good friends before getting together. I have told her that I will never turn her away if she is in need but at the moment I have asked for some space. We do interact on a business level.
   
4. Drop little hints, and if so what, that I am still here and want her.
   

Either #1 or #2 The others will just dig the hole deeper.

Given my history I was overjoyed as you can imagine to be in a relationship and felt a lot for her and had for a while (months). I at times did come over a little strong which she noted and asked to slow down which I did as at that point she had told me her history and one complaint she had was never being listened to. She acknowledged that I listened, did what she asked and when I was told of her history I did and said everything correctly - in her words "I got it"

 

She thinks I now hate her because I cannot fully give her what she wants, we have spoken and I have told her why which essentially is I only have to look at her and I melt and she knows that I had fallen for her hard. She is everything I ever wanted in a woman.

All the reasons she gave tell me one thing. You over-persued her, plain and simple. You said this started over Christmas, so it has only been a month. In a healthy situation where both parties are "on their game" you're not going to be "boyfriend/girlfriend" until around 2 months (7-8 weeks). So you wasn't in a relationship, and if you thought you were, or treated it like you were that will clearly send the woman running.

 

Don't take serious the reasons she gave. Those are the age-old reasons most any woman gives for practically any kind of similar situation. It is a woman's nature to want to smooth over things and not hurt your feelings. They will "blame themselves" to avoid making you feel bad if they think they need to. Don't look at it as dishonest, look at it according to their intent, which is to make you feel better,...and just let it be.

Edited February 14, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[lookingforguidance]

Thanks, to be honest she did the majority of the pursuing, she made the first move on everything. Getting together, hug, kiss etc.

 

We have known each other for near two years, and although it got serious at Christmas the closeness was probably back in October with a lot of flirting and innuendos.

[FMW]

Trying to just be her friend will hurt you even more. You need to keep your distance from her as much as possible.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting.

[Highndry]

The best thing to do in this situation is NOTHING. You go to work, you treat her like any other co-worker, you go home. You are not interested in a friendship with her so the answer is "no" on that. If she has a change of heart, she will come to you.

[ExpatInItaly]

Just treat her as you would any colleague. Be professional when you see her, but don't attempt to be friends right now. It will hurt more when you try to stay friendly outside work but she still keeps her distance from you.

 

I also get the sense you got ahead of yourself. You refer to her as your girlfriend but if I understand the timeline correctly, you two only dated for a few weeks. You also acknowledge you probably came on too strongly, so I am curious what that means, exactly?

 

It's always important to keep healthy perspective when dating, especially in the early stages. Let things unfold naturally, and take a more measured pace. Even when it's the other person doing most of the pursuing, remind yourself to take things one step at a time and not rush into a relationship. Something to remember for the future.

[PRW]

Thanks, to be honest she did the majority of the pursuing, she made the first move on everything. Getting together, hug, kiss etc.

They don't usually give those kinds of excuses if that was the case. The other things you describe indicated the same. But if you don't want to check out the material I mentioned that is up to you.

[lookingforguidance]

They don't usually give those kinds of excuses if that was the case. The other things you describe indicated the same. But if you don't want to check out the material I mentioned that is up to you.

 

Hi, have bought his book on kindle. Been reading it already, very interesting read. Will make a difference. Thanks

 

It is confusing, today we needed to speak reference work and everything was friendly. She even offered more background on her historical abuse without any prompting. All I did was ask if she needed anything else, i.e. normal work conversation.

Edited January 31, 2019 by lookingforguidance

[PRW]

Great that you got the book!

She even offered more background on her historical abuse without any prompting.

Don't become her therapist. That is the fast-track to the friend zone. Now, don't interrupt her or be rude, but find a gentle friendly and gracious way to get off the subject. She may have mentioned it to "backup" her previous decision to you if she thinks you don't fully accept her reasons she gave earlier. But in any case there is nothing productive in getting into that. She needs to associate positive feelings with being around you,...but "her past", and the recent "breakup" events between the two of you, are not classified as "positive". Edited January 31, 2019 by PRW

[PRW]

One last thing if you read his book,...be careful about following his advice "to the letter" when the context is not the same as what you are in. For example he says that you should never agree to friendship with a woman who dumps you and says that she wants to "only be friends". That only works in a context where you don't run in the same circles, don't have common friends, and don't work together. Obviously, if you are going to be around each other you are not wanting to be "enemies". So you have to use common sense and figure out the proper way to apply principles in a given situation.

[lookingforguidance]

Yes totally understand, we have to work together so trying hard to find that balance. Bottom line at the minute I can see where my inexperience caused issues and can see where she is coming from given her past and how the two collided in the wrong ways.

 

Her nearest family member is several hundred miles away and his world has just caved in like hers this past weekend when new revelations came out about the past.

 

I think all I can do is take what she says at face value, take one day then one week then one month at a time and see what happens. Won't become an enemy to her, but likewise must hold my own values and not prove myself to be a liar. I believe I am the only one locally that knows the details of her past so promised her before we got together, well before that if she needed support whilst helping this other friend of hers who is a wreck at the minute. That is the bit I am struggling to hold true on, but where do you go.

 

On the one hand the reasons she gave maybe true and she just needs to get her head straight before trying again in which case if I have proved myself a liar and untrustworthy in that time by turning my back too much then I am doing more damage. Obviously it could all be a bunch of words that she does not mean. Only time will tell, think it best keep it simple, clean, clear. She is used to having her opinion and control removed in previous relationships she has not had, not been listened to.

 

Stuffed if I do and stuffed if I don't, really.

 

Thanks everyone for the replies and learning alot no matter what happens.

[PRW]

Her nearest family member is several hundred miles away and his world has just caved in like hers this past weekend when new revelations came out about the past.

.....................

I believe I am the only one locally that knows the details of her past so promised her before we got together, well before that if she needed support whilst helping this other friend of hers who is a wreck at the minute.

That fact that you even know this stuff, is a bad thing. You should not even know this stuff about her. When she is around you, guess what,...she is going to emotionally associate you with this stuff because you two have talked way too much about it.

 

If you have a real therapist you see,...and you bump into that therapist on the street,...what is the first thought in your mind? It will be the problems that you have been seeing the therapist about. The last thing you want is for her to have all of her problems "flash before her eyes" every time she sees you.

 

Your job as BF or possible BF is NOT to "be there for her", that is the therapists job. Your job is for you to be sexually and emotionally desired by her because being with you makes her feel happy, warm, fun, relaxed, and aroused. But if when she is with you she feels like you need to get out the clipboard while she lays on the couch and begins with her childhood,...well,...that ain't gonna cut it.